Wanting to let go

[Hopeful83]

Hey guys,

I haven't posted in a few weeks because a lot has been going on - a family illness followed by a massive move for me. Just over a week ago I moved back to the city in which my ex and I lived for two years. This is a huge achievement for me; last year when our relationship fell apart, I said I could never return here (we had left the city as we were travelling together and we were planning on moving to my home country). I felt it would be too painful to come back. But alas, over time I realised that what I need right now is stability and a stable pay cheque, and I was cutting my nose off to spite my own face by not coming back here (all my job contacts etc are here). So I'm back and trying to figure out whether I want to stay or not.

The move back did stir up some old feelings, but I'm pleasantly surprised to see that I don't feel any sadness, which is unexpected. I was right to wait until I was far along enough in my healing to not let this affect me deeply, and while I do find myself thinking wistfully of certain things when I am in places that remind me of him, on the whole it's more of a strange feeling - like I dreamt my life with him. Like it never really happened. I prefer this to being sad or upset.

The problem is, though, I realise I haven't let go fully yet. And the reason I know this is because I'm still holding on to the hope that a) karma will bite him and his family on the butt (they were instrumental in our breakup because they wanted him to marry someone of his own race/culture, so, in short, I was pushed out and replaced with their ideal bride within weeks) and b) that someone would have the decency to tell me the truth of what actually happened back then. When I say someone, I mean him, but anyone would do.

I was fed hurtful lies, gaslighted, thrown into a room full of smoke and mirrors, and repeatedly deceived. I had my heart trampled all over by not just him but everyone in his close circle. And despite all this, I didn't retaliate. I didn't hold on to him. I walked away with my head high and for this I must admit I am proud of myself for. I did my best to deal with the whole thing with dignity. And over the months, with the help of my amazing family and friends, we pieced together the puzzle of what happened, and it dawned on me how horrific it all was. And while I'm 99 per cent certain I know what went down, I never had it confirmed.

I'd lie if I didn't think to myself back then "I'll let karma deal with it" and it seems this karma thing is something that's keeping me in some way attached to the whole situation.

Being back here and knowing that he's also here has given rise to a slither of hope that he'd have the decency to reach out to me and apologise. And this is nuts given the fact he hasn't done a thing in 12 months to make anything about the situation better. Just because I'm the country isn't going to make a difference, but alas, my thinking here isn't logical and I know that. It saddens me how detached and switched off he appears to be, how firmly in denial. How on earth is he continuing to do that?

Furthermore, I know that his mother who was the mastermind behind the whole thing has been obsessively checking my travel blog ever since I landed here. Four/five times a day when she used to log on once a week if that. And it made me happy to see that, to think that perhaps she's paranoid about me being in the same city as her precious son and she's worried her dirty work will unravel.

And still, I'm clutching at straws and I know that. I don't know anything for sure. And it frustrates me. And it doesn't matter how many times I think of the fact he looks absolutely miserable in his photos, how everyone who has seen photos of him and his new wife think they look odd and staged, that no one believes a word of what rubbish came out of their mouths, I still can't seem to lay it to rest.

I don't want him back, I want to make that clear here. That isn't what this is about. It's about the hope that someone with whom you spent three years of your life with would wake up and have a bit of decency and respect for you, and do the right thing.

Something Turkish said on his latest thread resonated with me, though. To admit the truth to me would mean to admit the fact the whole facade that him and his family have painstakingly created on social media and otherwise is just that - a facade, fake, unreal. And that's huge stuff. Logically I know this isn't going to happen. So how do I let go knowing that I'll probably never get the answers that I seek?

Hopeful

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry that your exe's family put you through all of that. I would feel hurt, embarrassed and not good enough. I would find that hard. 

So how do I let go knowing that I'll probably never get the answers that I seek?

If I'm following this correctly, are you asking for a reasonable explanation from your ex about why the r/s ended? Are you looking for closure?

[Hopeful83]

Hi Mutt,

Yeah, it was horrific. But they hid behind a bunch of lies and manipulation, so once I saw it for what it was months later I also had to come to terms with what they had done.

Well he gave me an explanation back then - one that both my logic and intuition tell me is absolutely rubbish. An explanation that I suspect was designed to keep me away, one that hurt me to my core at the time. But I refuse to believe it. And everyone - family, friends, therapist - also tell me it's not the truth.

So I cannot accept it, but I have no concrete proof so to speak. The only way I will ever know is if he, or someone in his immediate circle, owns up to it. And I know that this may never happen. So I guess in essence I need to learn how to let go while knowing I may never know, if that makes any sense. Which, I'm finding, is incredibly difficult to do. I know I've made amazing progress since this time last year, I know I'm stronger, wiser, kinder to myself etc. But I'm realising I'm having difficulty truly letting go because the answers he gave me don't add up.

Hopeful

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful,

So I guess in essence I need to learn how to let go while knowing I may never know, if that makes any sense.

I'm following what your saying. Letting go could also mean learning to trust your judgement and your intuition.

[Hopeful83]

Mutt,

Letting go could also mean learning to trust your judgement and your intuition.

It's funny that you say this - I feel that, especially since I've been back here, certain interactions that I've had with friends have highlighted that one of the lessons I need to learn is to trust my own judgment and intuition (interactions that have nothing to do with the situation with my ex). It seems to be a 'message' that keeps coming up and I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last few days.

I have self-doubted most my life. I realised now that in the past, everyone else's opinions mattered more to me than my own. It's like I don't trust my own judgment, even though I have myriad examples of how many times my intuition or judgment has been absolutely spot on. And despite this, I'll search high and low for answers (i.e. the opinions of others) take them all on board, get discouraged by things that don't add up to me, and, in short, just become more confused.

It isn't helpful, and at the end of the day, when it comes to my personal life, doesn't my own opinion matter the most?

So perhaps this is what I need to focus on here?

[Mutt]

You matter, your opinion matters. I think that a big part of healing is learning about who we are - self discovery. Learning to trust ourselves can be a part of that self discovery.

[Hopeful83]

I like this, thanks Mutt. Do you know of any books that can perhaps help with that?

[Mutt]

I'm glad that you liked that. I dont have a book that I can personally recommend, I'm sharing my from own personal experience. A quick search on the internet suggests, listening to the first thing that comes to mind, mediation, listening to your gut.

I can relate with you. I self doubted and often seeked reassurance but I started to discover what I'm made of in my journey of healing and I found that my intuition is often right, I'm level headed, pragmatic, things that i either rejected or didn't realize that I have. I'm more intuitive than some people that I sought reassurance from but their strengths are different than mine.

Instead of rejecting my intuition I started listening to it, it took some practice but I started paying attention to my intuition and trusted it. My ex distorted many things because that's how her mind works and I already knew the answers or was close enough, I learned to accept what my gut was telling me and realizing that was good enough - and let go.

[once removed]

It isn't helpful, and at the end of the day, when it comes to my personal life, doesn't my own opinion matter the most?

i understand youre no longer in a relationship with someone with BPD, and neither am i, but ive found the communication tools on here to be life changing for me, in terms of building my confidence. i can be very indecisive and self doubting. learning not to JADE, using BIFF and SET have helped me: state my truth and stand by it, have confidence in it and learn to turn off the nagging thoughts, deal with challenging/difficult people, made me a better listener and improved my interpersonal relationships.

i think in general, "skills" are great for learning to trust yourself, and those communication tools are skills. on top of that, learn new ones. build confidence in yourself while learning more about yourself and liking what you see. surround yourself with people that love you and reflect the best things about you back to you. and not only that, but do a whole lot of what youre already good at, and makes you feel good about you. it helps to internalize those feelings.