Miss My Ex

[TheRose]

I guess I just need a place to write and share.

Everything had been great and fairytale like between me and my girlfriend for 2,5 months when all of a sudden she started getting headaches. Stress seemed to be getting the best of her and she kind of demanded every second of my attention. Unfortunately instead of feeling better, the headaches got worse and worse, depression sinked in. She started telling me how empty she felt, said that she was lonely and how she was hurting on the inside. Soon after, she started lashing out.

Every episode of rage and anger (in which she falsely accused me of things I had said or did) was followed by apologies and words of sincere love and affection. She told me how guilty she felt for treating me like that and that she wanted to grow old with me. I believed her and said that she didn't have to feel guilty, because we could work on her issues together. Apologies accepted, until, of course, a few days later she lashed out again.
Then afterwards apologized again. It went on like that for a few times until I told her to seriously stop treating me like that. I told her that her anger was very hurtful, and I said that I missed the woman I fell in love with. At the end I told her I didnt want to talk to her for a while if she decided to treat me like that.

She wrote me, gave me a lengthy response saying she needs help and how I was the best thing that ever happened to her and asked me to not give up on her. I decided to forgive and forget, because to be honest, she was the prettiest girl I had ever met. The prettiest, sexiest, smartest and funniest girl ever.
Things went pretty well after that. Until, sure enough, she started raging again. Apologies. Rage. Apologies. Rage. Then one day she, out of the blue in the middle of a normal and quiet conversation, said: "Leave me alone, just go away!"

At this point of our relationship, her anger could be triggered by just anything. I could get her to yell at me by just blinking the wrong way or by not wearing my hair the right way.

After she told me to leave her alone I kept quiet all day, until she called me in the evening, sounding happy and lovely, asking me how I'm doing and how my day was. I was shocked. I asked her if she was nuts, since she pushed me away pretty far last time we talked and was now acting as if nothing happened. I told her I was pissed and that I did not deserve to be treated like a doormat. She of course apologized, said that I was perfect and that she loved me.

But then five days later she broke up with me. Saying how I tricked her into this relationship and how I don't look anything like my pictures. So. That was that. The end of our love story.

She reached out to me once after we broke up four weeks ago. We texted back and forth a bit, and then she stopped replying. We haven't been in touch for 3 weeks now.

I decided to not reach out to her, although I miss her and a huge part of me wants her back. I'm tempted to find a way to reach out and try to get her back. But then there's this part of me that says I will never be able to be happy with her if she refuses therapy.

I miss her deeply and quietly hope she will reach out to me again. However, I feel like that is not going to happen. Ever.

Even reading this it seems pathetic to even miss someone who treated me like I was her doormat. It all seems so wrong. But then it all felt so good when I met her. It all felt "too good to be true". And it was.

Just wanted to share my story, thank you for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi TheRose,



(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

A hallmark criterion for BPD is displaying disproportionate anger, what that means is that the level of anger does not warrant the situation that triggered a pwBPD in the first and it can difficult if not impossible what triggered a pwBPD in the first place. For example a pwBPD fear rejection and are hyper-vigilant with rejection and are constantly scanning for signs of it,  perceived or real. If a pwBPD feel like they are being rejected that could trigger borderline rage. There are skills that can be taught to a pwBPD to manage anger through dialetical behavior therapy or schema focused therapy. Also, anger is more intense and last longer for a pwBPD compared to a non disordered person.

I miss her deeply and quietly hope she will reach out to me again. However, I feel like that is not going to happen. Ever.

Some times I can get stuck on idea about something and I have to step back and look at the whole picture. Many of us can relate with missing our ex pwBPD and hope that they reach out again, motivation may be something to look at? For now, she may not reach but when you step back things may change later on and she may reach out, I would prepare myself for that possibility. For me, I wanted to heal and detach for my ex so that I didn't feelings for her when she was going to reach out again. Are you looking for closure, friendship, romantic r/s?

[hope2727]

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. I miss my ex too. I know its hard to accept but pwBPD struggle to maintain stable relationships. Even though it seems so ideal at first it is not sustainable in the long run. So its ok to be sad, or mad, or miss your partner. You are grieving and that is totally acceptable. Meanwhile keep posting and reading and we will be here to support you.

[TheRose]

@Mutt - thank you. That explains. I remember how she used to rage at me because her sister said I had beautiful eyes. That did make me raise my eyebrow. Seems quite unfair to get mad at me for having eyes that her sister happened to like. She said that I wasn't allowed to fall in love with her sister.

For me, when I step out of a relationship, I always wish my ex all the best, tell them I appreciate the time we enjoyed and then I always detach completely by doing no contact. I throw away their number, delete them from Facebook and make sure my ex doesn't even know if I'm alive or not. And this time it's no different. I do it to avoid getting hurt. But because pwBPD lack object constancy, it also makes me feel like she won't return. Is she able to miss me? I'm not looking for friendship, I think I'm looking for closure. And deep down inside I'm looking for a relationship again. However, that's just playing with a consuming fire. But I can't help that after four weeks I still have hope. Which is stupid. Because she'll rip my heart out and leave it bleeding somewhere. I can never be friends with her, because I love her.

@hope2727 - thank you so much. I'm sorry to hear you miss your ex too. This message board has helped me these past few weeks. It helps to know that there are so many out here that understand. I feel like my friends and family don't understand how hard it is to detach from someone like this. They say "Oh you deserve better, go out on dates." However, I'm not even able to think about a romantic situation with another woman without my stomach turning ten thousand times and making me feel sick. I just can't.