Can I get through?

[ItsVal]

Hi all,

I have a question, my story is here somewhere allready, it's been almost three weeks that she discarded me and refuses all contact, no reply to the 8 messages I sent, but no block on whatsapp or so ... .

She left a couple of subtle bridges open (all my family and a few friends are still friends with her on facebook, she still responded to a mutual friend albeit in a rage kind of way).

She is heavily convinced her ex (father of her child) has a spiritual gift and he explained her that I was the reason for all the bad in her life, but he only did that so she wouldn't sell the house or allow me to buy his share of it. He also used their son (my godson) as leverage to convince her even more. He used to go out all the time, but now he seems to always spend time at home whenever he can to keep her under his spell. She moved back in with him in the house after she left me.

She got in trouble at work more than once over the last three weeks and almost resigned because of the stress and stuff. She also mentioned she wouldn't even persue getting the house signed over to her only instead of the shared loan they have now after the house was on sale for over a year they took it of the market.

I'm so worried she is going to let go of all opportunities she had now to secure the house and keep a good job ... .

Any ideas how I would be able to get through to her without even thinking of any romantic notion or whatsoever? All I want to get to is her getting the rest she needs and make the right decision for her and her son!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[obliv326]

This is a tough one. Maybe take a look at some of the lessons about communication. If she's not talking to you, then it may well be that she won't hear anything you have to say. This may be a situation where she has to hit bottom and have a moment of clarity. It's so hard to get them to hear you when they've decided something else

[ItsVal]

obliv326, thx for your reply. I have read all about communication techniques and stuff but I still can't seem to get some sort of writing down. Big problem is, and this was confirmed by mutual friends, that she stated last monday she was getting tired of her ex (he 'naggs' too much) but at the same time he is always around whenever he has spare time, they even went on a shopping spree together on tuesday. I know he is now doing all he can to keep her under his influence and doing stuff completely the opposite as he has been doing the past 2 years since they split up.

It's a really tough one indeed, I don't want her to hit rock bottom because that would mean her loosing the house and her job, and loosing the means to secure the future for her son.

Sigh ... .

[ArleighBurke]

As hard as it is - she needs to make her own decisions and live with those consequences. I get you want the best for her - but you cannot be her rescuer. 

[ItsVal]

ArleighBurke, thx for the reply.

See https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300135.0 What's up with that?

[ItsVal]

Can anyone try to help me find some sense in this all? My head is spinning ... .

[ArleighBurke]

I'm not sure it's wise to try to understand their mind. If i was to guess, I'd say she is trying to be emotionally "distant", yet still engage you somehow.

But it doesn't matter. Stop focussing on her - focus on YOU - what do *you* want?

[ItsVal]

Right I need to elaborate more I just can't get it.

Situation that happened yesterday:
At 14:29 I receive an email from her boss asking to meet next saturday to discuss some projectrelated stuff.
At 17:47 Her boss posts about the death on facebook. (I didn't notice that until late last night)
At 19:09 I get that whatsapp message from my ex telling me her boss's grandmother died and that I should send a card.
At 20:39 I reply with : Truely appreciated, thanks
At 21:13 She is checking out the project website (she sent me an email three weeks ago stating she wasn't happy with the 'bad' design and has been checking the site of and on)

Now you have to know, it was sunday, she was home alone with her son. And instead of letting the news of the death sink in, she almost instantly messages me. The one she doesn't want to hear or see anymore, she screams that same line to everyone who wants to hear it.
But NOO I'm the first she contacts, others have received a bulk email some time later ... .And on top of it she is checking the website regularly for changes ... .

I don't get it, if she really painted me black and discarded me WHY would she do this?

For now all I want is to be able to let the project be succesfull, despite her sabotaging it by not doing the part of the work we agreed to before breaking up.