Just figured out BPD is the issue

[MikeLondon]

I have been in an on/off relationship with my gf for nearly 4 years. It all started out great, but I noticed very early on that she kind of seemed to get the wrong end of the stick and took offence very easily. Over the next several years I had to get away because of her rages which scared the crap out of me. I tried everything , to sit quietly and discuss, to agree on things or try to have a conversation. I have just left (again). Last year I started to suspect one way or another that she has BPD... .it matched almost completely with what had been going on. She has all kinds of ailments, constantly says she is ill, but she DOES have a diagnosis which I saw on her doctors notes it is BPD. Anyway she doesn't believe all of that. I have been so conditioned that I would avoid any talk of my friends or even my children for fear of her having some sort of tantrum. I was planning on leaving because I felt trapped and could not even say I was going to stay at my own flat... .not even for one night.  I texted that I was going to see my kids and grandchildren for a few days. Well it went nuclear very quickly. She screamed come back now, I will smash your flat up etc.
I cannot go back this time. I am worried about her... in case she starts drinking again. I care about her deeply, but nothing I have ever said to her touches her when I speak of independence and commitment, she is threatened by anything that she imagines will damage the relationship. She knows that is all my fault and cannot consider that it has anything to do with her. I am one week out but she lives nearby, I am both fearful for her and a bit scared of what she might do next. And of course I care deeply for her, loved her very much, but know that nothing works. So I sort of feel a combination of loss and sadness and relief at the same time. She will not accept any responsibility at all. It is always and I mean always someone else who is to blame in all areas of her life. I found it very depressing that  a person feels so badly about the world and the people in it. And yet she seems to be able to get on ok as long as I am not about. Like she would be ok dealing with people in business, but depressed and angry with me and at times very loving, although this has mostly turned to anger and talking about what I used to be like and how I am not loving enough and how selfish I am etc etc.
Help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi MikeLondon,

Welcome and hello 

BPD can create for very confusing relationships! The push/pull can be so baffling.

The key is to stay grounded when she is on an emotional roller coaster, which can be a challenge, especially if she is blaming you for creating the roller coaster 

It's probably good to take a break while things are intense, to let her return to baseline and for you to shore up some strength. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship, and we are here to walk with you as you sort this all out.

Glad you found the site. It really does help to post.

Is she communicating with you while you are living nearby?

LnL

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome!

I was planning on leaving

I cannot go back this time.

What do you want from the relationship? You say you are concerned for HER, which is nice, but what about YOU? What direction do you want this to go?

[Mutt]

Hi MikeLondon,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you. I can relate with how illogical the behaviors and reasoning is when your partner suffers from BPD. Like you, I didn't know what I was dealing with and it was confusing, distressing and it felt hopeless because everything that I tried failed. I was applying skills that were pertinent with someone that is non disordered, the wrong skill set but how was I supposed to know? I'm not a professional.

You know what you're dealing with now, it helps to read as much about the disorder, the behaviors are not personal to us, it's something that our pwBPD are going through, it helps to learn the reasons why they behave the way that they do and to become indifferent ti the behaviors.

That being said, I notice that you said that she can really get out of hand, what does that mean? How far does she go? Does she get violent? Does she make false allegations? It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes. It helps to talk.

[MikeLondon]

Thanks for welcoming me. My BPD gf lives nearby, she has only left message to say that my clothes are in the front yard. There is nothing I need though. I get really anxious kind of scared when I think she may be in touch or might want to contact me. It sort of makes no sense about the amount of anxt this brings up in me. She has almost been violent, making the wild gestures and throwing stuff about. She is not very big but her rage is massive, of course she always blamed me for the rage ... .because I left her, I only left BECAUSE of the rage !. The other thing is that I constantly worry that she will be ok. Does this seem familiar?
Thanks guys

[ArleighBurke]

It sounds like you love her. Despite her current behaviour, you still care. Sounds normal to me!

But again - what do YOU want to happen from here forwards? Do you want to try to patch things back to a relationship? Do you want to walk away?

[bobcat2014]

Congrats on your discovery.

It can be liberating when you define the root cause of the issue. For many of us, this discover was after many years of abuse, self doubt and wondering what "we" did wrong.

Use this platform to decide what YOU want and need from this relationship, sooner than later. I can tell you that learning the communication tools can do wonders for improving a BDS relationship, but understand this will never, ever be a "normal" June and Ward Clever type relationship.

[MikeLondon]

Thanks guys. I am almost two weeks out. I am worried that she might come round and cause a scene, funnily enough I am also kind of worried that she won't? That sounds crazy to me. I do love her but cannot go back to that situation. It was as if any subject that was not directly about our relationship was a threat to her. My world had become so small in this last year. I am relieved to be free, am sad that she will not or cannot see any of this. I looked at some emails I sent her a year ago when I had just kind of figured out that she has BPD and how naïve I seemed. I thought that if we could have spoken about it and sought help together there  would have been some hope. Of course although she had a diagnosis, she never once wanted to discuss, believing that it was all some kind of psychobabble conspiracy. Oh well, the difference for me this time is that I really know something more about it. I am probably co-dependent and can't stop thinking about her, hoping she will be ok and remembering the good bits, she was very loving at times, but the walking on eggshells and having to be so careful in what I said and at times how I looked at her was so stressful. I know that I can't go back and yet... .