3 w NC - Friday rants and ruminations. Help, pls.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 

Hello all. I’m new here at the Family. It’s been 3 weeks now since my still undiagnosed gf (since 1 yr) told me in that icy voice that “I never want to see you again”. Prior to that we’d been to a restaurant, when she falsely accused me of having slept with someone else (again... ). I responded “I’m not discussing this once more, we’ve been through this so many times”. She left. I calmly finished my dinner - last supper - since I could sense this. was. it.

I then went back to her place, where she ignored me completely for a while, then breaking the silence with “If you do not apologize now in an adequate manner, I never want to see you again” (well hello there queen & commander of beheadings). I stood my ground, looked at her, and said nothing since this time I’d basically given up. She repeated this once. The evening then ended with her wanting back her keys, and my taking back mine from her (which she of course didn’t like... .sigh). That was it, she broke up with me for the fourth time, this time final. Just like that.

Please bear with me.

It’s been three weeks now. I wrote her after one week, a sincere e-mail, telling her that if she continually breaks up with me like this she _w i l l_ eventually lose me in the end. I also wrote that it’s vital we now see her T asap together (she’s seeing a T and she’s expressed to him that we should meet all the three of us. Or maybe she never did that... .I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE!). Her answer? “You should’ve picked up the phone when I called you the day after” - which I didn’t, angry and sad as I were - and “I can finally BREATHE. I have already moved on.” Come last Monday and then she sends the following: “I miss you” - nothing more than those three sweet and nought-containing words. Now, that just made me even more angry and once again hurt! I just couldn’t take that seriously. I’d even already sent the few belongings she still had at my place in a box - actually just a few hours before she wrote me, meaning she recieved her stuff the day after... .that counts for a reply, right?

Ok. I’m mad at her. I’m tired of her nasty antics and desperate ways of trying to fill that vast inner space of hers and not taking responsibility for her actions. I probably gave up on her earlier on, something I wasn’t honest about to myself/her. I think she may have noticed this shift in my behaviour. It’s not that I started blaming her or putting her down, on the contrary. I just started to relax a little, or maybe give myself a little more space, or just plain giving up a little. Something she of course wouldn’t approve of. Probably inflicted some narcissistic injury there, what do you reckon?

It’s just this - I effin’ cry every day, my self esteem is hovering right above rock bottom, my work as a musician is suffering, I do not look well, my mirror and my friends tell me this. I dream of her; woke up at 4 in the morning today, from a lucid dream where she was SITTING AT MY BEDSIDE :-( . When I woke up she evaporated, left me. It’s as if she’d been spying on me while I was sleeping! I don’t know where to begin with the T I’m seeing after the weekend (a T of my own). I do care about her, so much. But this is the most toxic thing I’ve ever touched - she actually abused me physically this summer, which then led to her starting to see a T (unconditionally!). Oh crap, writing all of this - and it’s only a fraction of everything - has made my head spin, I feel so faint. It just brings up everything again, the splitting, the impossible demands, the hurt she inflicted, the hurt she’s living with and the sympathy, empathy and compassion I felt for her... .everything. I AM SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE. And what to do with my co-dep issues... .I'm 40 yrs old!

FYI: Ex gf is diagnosed with bipolar II since a few years (still unmedicated), but as for BPD we've both been discussing this since spring, because of the criteria she definitely meets and because of the emotional abuse she, her sisters, and her mum suffered during her upbringing (it could even be she's been misdiagnosed).

[Keef]

 

Hello all. I’m new here at the Family. It’s been 3 weeks now since my still undiagnosed gf (since 1 yr) told me in that icy voice that “I never want to see you again”. Prior to that we’d been to a restaurant, when she falsely accused me of having slept with someone else (again... ). I responded “I’m not discussing this once more, we’ve been through this so many times”. She left. I calmly finished my dinner - last supper - since I could sense this. was. it.

I then went back to her place, where she ignored me completely for a while, then breaking the silence with “If you do not apologize now in an adequate manner, I never want to see you again” (well hello there queen & commander of beheadings). I stood my ground, looked at her, and said nothing since this time I’d basically given up. She repeated this once. The evening then ended with her wanting back her keys, and my taking back mine from her (which she of course didn’t like... .sigh). That was it, she broke up with me for the fourth time, this time final. Just like that.

Please bear with me.

It’s been three weeks now. I wrote her after one week, a sincere e-mail, telling her that if she continually breaks up with me like this she _w i l l_ eventually lose me in the end. I also wrote that it’s vital we now see her T asap together (she’s seeing a T and she’s expressed to him that we should meet all the three of us. Or maybe she never did that... .I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE!). Her answer? “You should’ve picked up the phone when I called you the day after” - which I didn’t, angry and sad as I were - and “I can finally BREATHE. I have already moved on.” Come last Monday and then she sends the following: “I miss you” - nothing more than those three sweet and nought-containing words. Now, that just made me even more angry and once again hurt! I just couldn’t take that seriously. I’d even already sent the few belongings she still had at my place in a box - actually just a few hours before she wrote me, meaning she recieved her stuff the day after... .that counts for a reply, right?

Ok. I’m mad at her. I’m tired of her nasty antics and desperate ways of trying to fill that vast inner space of hers and not taking responsibility for her actions. I probably gave up on her earlier on, something I wasn’t honest about to myself/her. I think she may have noticed this shift in my behaviour. It’s not that I started blaming her or putting her down, on the contrary. I just started to relax a little, or maybe give myself a little more space, or just plain giving up a little. Something she of course wouldn’t approve of. Probably inflicted some narcissistic injury there, what do you reckon?

It’s just this - I effin’ cry every day, my self esteem is hovering right above rock bottom, my work as a musician is suffering, I do not look well, my mirror and my friends tell me this. I dream of her; woke up at 4 in the morning today, from a lucid dream where she was SITTING AT MY BEDSIDE :-( . When I woke up she evaporated, left me. It’s as if she’d been spying on me while I was sleeping! I don’t know where to begin with the T I’m seeing after the weekend (a T of my own). I do care about her, so much. But this is the most toxic thing I’ve ever touched - she actually abused me physically this summer, which then led to her starting to see a T (unconditionally!). Oh crap, writing all of this - and it’s only a fraction of everything - has made my head spin, I feel so faint. It just brings up everything again, the splitting, the impossible demands, the hurt she inflicted, the hurt she’s living with and the sympathy, empathy and compassion I felt for her... .everything. I AM SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE. And what to do with my co-dep issues... .I'm 40 yrs old!

FYI: Ex gf is diagnosed with bipolar II since a few years (still unmedicated), but as for BPD we've both been discussing this since spring, because of the criteria she definitely meets and because of the emotional abuse she, her sisters, and her mum suffered during her upbringing (it could even be she's been misdiagnosed).

[Keef]

Every day I swing from thinking I've made myself a favour in not contacting her, to thinking this is all wrong and that she actually wants to be with me and that it's all a misunderstanding. Still waiting for her insights on this matter though. She's shown a great deal of self-insight - but still none of that, ie empathy, for me. When will I slowly start to snap out of this... ? Maybe I've already begun. It's just so messed up. I want my heart back.

[Keef]

Reading my posts I can see it's possible I come out as passive-aggressive. Please, don't judge me, I've been emotionally decapitated by her every month for a whole year. Maybe I did something wrong in the way I set boundaries, I set them too late anyhow. Sorry, I feel so bad about it all.

[Mutt]

Hi Keef,

Reading my posts I can see it's possible I come out as passive-aggressive. Please, don't judge me, I've been emotionally decapitated by her every month for a whole year. Maybe I did something wrong in the way I set boundaries, I set them too late anyhow. Sorry, I feel so bad about it all.

This is a place to get all of this out without being judged or invalidated for it. I don't think that your posts sound passive-aggressive at all. It helps to talk about your true and honest feelings.

It’s just this - I effin’ cry every day, my self esteem is hovering right above rock bottom, my work as a musician is suffering, I do not look well, my mirror and my friends tell me this

I'm sorry that you're going through this, you mentioned that you're seeing a T, have  you talked to a MD or GP? Do you think that you should talk to them about feeling depressed?

[Keef]

Thanks Mutt, it's rough right now.
I'm seeing the T on Monday, first visit. I hope he's educated in the PD/Cluster B area.

I haven't talked to my GP, I am hoping to recover by getting back to the routines I had before. But it's hard. When does it get better? I can't stop thinking about her, she's obviously still draining my energy!

NC is a tough one. I should've left her/started NC this summer after the physical abuse instead. I feel so weak... all the things she's said about me, what a coward I am etc... well, I know that I have a tendency to avoid conflicts. It's very hard for me to let go, been like that for ages. I so want to change myself.

[Mutt]

I can relate with avoiding conflict, don't be hard on yourself, I know It can be hard to let go, you're not going through this alone, talking to a T even if they're not versed in a PD is huge help and it helps to post here, keep posting. The first few weeks after a break up are the most painful.

[once removed]

hi Keef, id like to join Mutt and say

When does it get better?

i agree with mutt, the first weeks are the hardest. even then, recovery is not linear, and sometimes it can feel like its getting worse before it gets better. it may be difficult to see the bigger picture, but its all progress; sometimes progress hurts, or makes room for hurts we hadnt yet processed.

have you had a chance to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

it helps explain some of the effects this whole process can have on our bodies and might give you some idea of what to expect.

[Keef]

Thank you once removed and Mutt, thank you.

once removed: You're so right, I can see already that this isn't going to be a linear ride. Thanks for the link, I can very much relate to a few things. Interesting read, and also a bit frightening. The mind is a powerful thing, some serious forces going on there.

I never thought I'd end up an addict, but yeah, I feel like one and look like one (will start tomorrow morning with a shave   ).

I have so many questions and so much to share, such as post-break up physical reactions. I don't know where to begin, but by posting this thread I guess I've already begun. Should I start a new thread... ?

[once removed]

whichever youre most comfortable with Keef.

[Mutt]

Keef,

I understand. I had several years of things to get off my chest about my ex wife because I had no one to talk to about it. Wherever you start is a good start.