New to the site - need help with my relationship

[Doglover1234]

My partner has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but he has all the signs and symptoms from everything I have read online. 

He is currently seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't think he is being honest with the Dr.  He is taking meds for depression and anxiety.  The biggest issue I have is that he gets extremely angry at little things.  He feels like he is wronged all the time and nothing is his fault. 

I would welcome any feedback as I am starting to feel like I have no where to turn.  When he gets in his mood (as I call it) it does affect me, I can't think straight, I don't know if I am coming or going.  I suffer from depression myself.  I know I get migraines from all the stress in my life.  He is threatening to leave as he thinks he will be better off alone, but I know he won't be happy alone and I shudder to think what he might do if we split as he can be vindictive and I would be looking over my shoulder all the time.
Any insight would be welcomed !
Thanks everyone 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Doglover1234,

Welcome and hello 

People with BPD are often not honest with themselves, so the same tendency can and often does extend to others.

What are the kinds of things your partner gets angry about? How do you respond? Maybe we can help look at scenarios with you and point out the specific ways that people with BPD cope with stress and feelings of inadequacy.

LnL

[Mutt]

Hi doglover1234,



I'd like to join  livednlearned and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear. That would difficult to cope with when you have depression and migraines. I'm glad that you decided to join us. You're not alone. Maybe the P didn't tell him? You can make the symptoms worse if he were to knoe.

It sounds like you're burning the candle at both ends. What do you do for self care?

[Doglover1234]

There are so many things he gets angry about, he is angry most of the time. Whenever he gets frustrated, he responds with a violent outburst. 

If he doesn't know how to deal with a situation, he responds with a violent outburst. I generally respond by trying to calm the situation, but it doesn't always work.  I will agree with him because that is big with him... .that he is right about everything. 

The thing happening at the moment is he is accusing me of yelling at him or speaking to him with a tone/attitude in my voice.  I am not doing this.  I actually try to deliberately speak in a monotone voice and really try to keep emotion from my voice to avoid an outburst from him. He is actually the one that is yelling all the time and has the tone to his voice.  I tried to point this out to him on the weekend, and oh my... .

The one thing I do to try and calm myself is play games on my tablet... .he HATES this... .he says I am separating myself from him and I am not paying attention to the dogs (we have 3 dogs).  This isn't true, I may not respond to the dogs as quickly as he thinks I should, but I do know what they are up to... .he says he has to do everything and I do nothing.  He isn't interested in games on the tablet (he can't play them) so I shouldn't be playing the games either.  That is another thing I have noticed in the last few months... .if he doesn't like something I shouldn't like it either... .this goes to food, if he doesn't like it or eat it, neither should I... .

It just never ends !

[Jessica84]

Does he physically harm you, himself, the dogs, or destroy objects? Or are his outbursts more verbal? Either way, the first thing you should do is protect yourself (and the dogs). Have you read about boundaries? Boundaries are not demands on him, but rather a way of protecting ourselves. This is our "line in the sand" we need to know for ourselves. If he does X, I will do Y. (If he yells, I will ask him to stop. If he continues to yell, I will walk away... .) I did this with mine, and eventually he stopped yelling - he learned my boundary not by my telling him, but by seeing my actions, and he didn't want me to leave.

Be careful of agreeing with him on everything too. This is an endless cycle. Even though it may seem this calms him down, it is only temporary. Deep down he'll have trouble respecting someone who always agrees with him. Then he's right back to testing you to see how far you will go to agree with nonsense. Stand by your values. It is ok to disagree. Gently validate his feelings (letting him know his feelings, ideas, beliefs, tastes aren't wrong). Validate your own feelings as well. YOUR feelings, ideas, beliefs, tastes aren't wrong either.  Over time, he will learn what you like (or don't like) and can choose to accept the differences, or not.  

[livednlearned]

He may also be interpreting your calm face/monotone voice as a sign of invalidation (strangely enough). A lot of us have responded exactly as you describe -- trying to balance out the emotional intensity with a calm demeanor. Unfortunately, with BPD, it can be counter-intuitive.

Internally, he might be experiencing urgent pain and discord. "The house is on fire! My legs are burning!" A calm response may feel invalidating to him. "Relax, it's just fire."

Also, people with BPD (according to research) tend to interpret neutral facial expressions as threatening or negative.

So confusing!

Fortunately, with validation -- what Jessica84 is describing -- you can make small changes that might have an effect on preventing further emotional arousal. It may not completely stop it from happening, but it can give you a little room to validate the core emotional woundedness he is working through.

Because honestly, it is not about the games on the tablet.   It's about a script he is playing over and over again, something that predates you.

If you can bypass the decoy (Don't look at games on the tablet while I'm talking to you!) and instead focus on the feelings (I am feeling unworthy and ignored!) you can validate the primary feelings, which is what he is more genuinely focused on, even if he cannot articulate that to himself.





 

 

[Doglover1234]

By reading the responses thus far, I am not feeling quite as alone in this... .

Yes, he has been physically violent with me... .this has fortunately has stopped... .I think it was me setting the boundary about that behaviour... .we were having a fight and I knew he was going to take it to a physical level and when he was coming at me I just looked at him and told him... ."go ahead, do it... ." and he stopped, I think I through him off balance.  When he moved away, I grabbed my keys (which I keep at the front door) and left the house... .he came after me but stopped at the door as he wouldn't take it outside... .I told him I was leaving at least for a bit until he calmed down... .he collapsed on the floor and started sobbing saying he didn't want me to leave and not to leave... .I told him he touches me again in violence, I am gone... .he hasn't done it since.   The verbal attacks are still there, but not physical... .

You are absolutely right livednlearned, he does play a script over and over... .he says the same things over and over again... .  I know agreeing with him isn't the answer, but in the moment, it works to calm the situation... .
I have been trying lately to GENTLY disagree with him and in some situations he is ok, but not always.

I also think he creates situations in a self fulfilling prophecy so to say... .for example... .he wants a bigger TV, I tell him I think the tv is fine and we don't really need a new one and what would we do with the old one as it is perfectly fine... .he'll be mad, but leaves it and then a few days later the TV mysteriously doesn't work so we have to get a new one.   This has happened quite a bit... .he wanted new tires, I wouldn't agree to them, then the tires got slashed one night so we had to replace them... .things like that.  Does anyone else experience this?