As a Recovering Alcoholic - Resentments, Step Work, and dealing with BPD Spouse

[LostHusband76]

I've been with my wife for a total of 6.5 years and we have a 5 yo together. The past 4 years have been hell for me and my son - the various forms of abuse, violence, drinking, drugging, compounded by the numerous affairs, porn shoots, and escorting that I just found out about and demonstrated that she was lying to me, therapists and family members. The hurt and betrayal has been unimaginable, and I filed for divorce in early October, and she has not been back since.  Her grandmother finally told me that she has BPD over Thanksgiving. I had never heard of it until then, but I have been studying it and learning as much as possible about BPD.
What has made things more difficult, is I was a heavy drinker that turned full blown alcoholic trying to deal with everything (I am not blaming her, it is my problem, and my addiction issue; I own it and work a strong program). I finally got help, have been active in AA, and now have 2.5 years sober now. During that period, she has continued to drink and drug and has tried to sabotage my sobriety by filling water bottles in the fridge with vodka, and done everything in her power to get me to relapse on top of all of he other insanity.
 I have been trying to apply the steps and what I have learned through my program and network, only to have more questions and be further baffled. My question is whether or not it's possible to work and apply the steps,  especially 4-10, when I'm dealing with someone that I must co-parent with for the rest of my life with who is mentally ill and CONSTANTLY DOES EVERYTHING in their power to be verbally abusive, selfish, manipulative, and burns everything down around them?    How do you apply a sane  rational humble spiritual program of action in your interactions with someone who, due to no fault of their own,  is insane, irrational, destructively self centered, and driven by a warped ego and not a spiritual plan? Is it even possible?  Amy advice and guidance is needed and much appreciated. Thank you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome LostHusband76:   

The past 4 years have been hell for me and my son - the various forms of abuse, violence, drinking, drugging, compounded by the numerous affairs, porn shoots, and escorting that I just found out about and demonstrated that she was lying to me, therapists and family members. The hurt and betrayal has been unimaginable, and I filed for divorce in early October, and she has not been back since.      

I'm so sorry for what you and your son have been through.  You have been through a lot of pain.   

How do you apply a sane  rational humble spiritual program of action in your interactions with someone who, due to no fault of their own,  is insane, irrational, destructively self centered, and driven by a warped ego and not a spiritual plan? Is it even possible?  Any advice and guidance is needed and much appreciated. Thank you.       

You can't change your wife (soon to be X).  What you can do is set boundaries and change the way your react to her and interact with her.  One way to look at your situation, is that God led you here to gather the tools you need to deal with you current challenges.  In my opinion, I don't think the AA 12-step process is suited to recovering from a relationship with a BPD person. (or for the basis for co-parenting).

You need some specific steps, to deal with a BPD person.

STEP 1:  LEARN ABOUT FOG: FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILD (Check out the link below)
FOG

STEP 2:  LEARN ABOUT AND SET BOUNDARIES (Check out the link below)
SETTING  BOUNDARIES

STEP 3:  LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS (Check out the link below for an overview of skills that can be helpful and that you might want to study more fully):

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

STEP 4:  LEARN ABOUT VALIDATION - OR HOW TO AVOID INVALIDATION: Validation doesn't mean agreeing.  It means acknowledging feeliings (Check out the link below)
VALIDATION

STEP 5:  LEARN HOW TO AVOID THE DRAMA OF UNHEALTHY TRIANGLES AND ARGUMENTS (Check out the link below)

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

The above skills are a starting point.  I don't want to overwhelm you with links, so take things a step at a time, a topic at a time.  The links above can get you started with some basic skills.  There are a lot of helpful people here.  Feel free to ask questions to help understand things and put some tactics to work.

[Mutt]

Hi LostHusband76,



I can see how it would feel hopeless, there is hope. I pondered on a similar thought after the split, but things were emotionally raw and I was under an emotional barrage with my ex, you can stop the bleeding. What do you have arranged for custody? Have you heard of parallel parenting? I parallel parent, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for father's in the 80's when they didn't have parallel parenting. You could try a combination of both, parallel parent to stop the bleeding and remove that boundary and replace it with co-parenting when things have calmed down.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239557.0

www.parentingafterdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/ParallelParentingForHighConflictFamilies1.pdf

[LostHusband76]

Thank you both for your replies. If she ever decides to quit stalling and sign the settlement agreement, we will have joint 50/50 custody, with solid provisions in case of a stalemate regarding decisions concerning schools, medical needs, etc. I know what parallel parenting is, and that's the way it's going to have to be period.
She is a serial cheater, pathological liar, violent, abusive, cares only about appearances and this insane false reality she has created for herself due to major abandonment and self hatred issues; she is the ever constant victim, and has tried to perpetuate this by projecting her problems and dysfunction onto our son.
Trying to get and stay sober as well as working and applying a strong program have been impossible and maddening at best. I have accepted that my program can't entirely apply here because of the complex contrary nature of BPD. Applying the principles as a whole and/or entirety inadvertently permits and promotes my stb ex's destructive and toxic behavior. I learned this the hardest because I did not know she had BPD or what it was until her grandmother informed me Thanksgiving. Her insanity has gotten exponentially worse since I filed for divorce October 10th.  Being a type A personality and recovering alcoholic (sober for 2.5 years), the insanity of my marriage to a transparent BPD caused me to engage and act in ways that I know now just made things worse. Now, NC, assertiveness, and strict adherence to boundaries are what I employ.
This site has been a life and sanity saver because resentments, amends, personal inventory do not and cannot apply in this situation. Similar to parallel parenting, it seems that I'm going to have to practice parallel programs: AA for life in general and then the program that you and other kind members have shared with me when dealing with her and enforcing the terms of the divorce settlement.
Detachment and healing have been especially hard because of the I hate you don't want you - I love you need you I'll get help cycle she has been in over the past month. I want to help her, and she desperately needs it, but how do you get someone into treatment when you can't confront them and they don't truly admit they are ill?  The lies, betrayals, deceptions, use, abuse, and all around dangerous and destructive behavior have destroyed all trust and and my part oin the relationship. Yet, I love her with all of my heart and would probably continue the insanity if she truly recognized and admitted her illness and fully engaged in treatment, which is a pipe dream and never happen. How do we let go, save ourselves and children, when dealing with the duplicitous and coniving nature of BPD and those that suffer from it?  Is it possible?

[Mutt]

Hi LostHusband76,

Yet, I love her with all of my heart and would probably continue the insanity if she truly recognized and admitted her illness and fully engaged in treatment, which is a pipe dream and never happen. How do we let go, save ourselves and children, when dealing with the duplicitous and coniving nature of BPD and those that suffer from it?  Is it possible?

It may be difficult to see now, I suggest set boundaries, it's impossible to go NC with kids involved, minimal contact is more practical. Minimal contact and especially boundaries will protect you, it will give you space away from her chaos so that you can heal and detach. If detachment is your goal, goals are attainable if you set them, have determination, you'll slowly reach them.

How's your son coping?

[LostHusband76]

He's doing ok.  He's a happy loving smart and energetic little guy. However, this has been rough on him. He's much more withdrawn, anxious (bites his nails until they bleed - it's worse after he's spent time with her), tired, and has a lot of questions, especially regarding her treatment of us, why she can't be with us, and why she is so angry at me. I just tell him that I love him, mommy loves him, and that I'll always be here for him and take care of him. He can't and won't sleep unless he sleeps in the big bed with me. I allow it because he needs security after all of this strife and turmoill, and, it's therapeutic for me too. Knowing what she's done and exposed him to in he past, I really worry about him when he's with her, but can't do anything about it at this point. I'm told that I have a great agreement and have to get this in place so that I can hold her accountable to get primary and/or full custody in the future.

[Mutt]

I'm told that I have a great agreement and have to get this in place so that I can hold her accountable to get primary and/or full custody in the future.

I'm sorry to hear that he's going through this. It's stressful for kids, luckily he's young enough, kids are resilient, it would be more difficult if he were a teenager. That's great to hear that you have shared, possibly full custody, he's going to need a parent that can give him stability and routine, that's where you come in. Hang in there.