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Topic: Help me understand and cope (Read 399 times)
Ray727
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
Help me understand and cope
«
on:
January 11, 2017, 10:43:05 PM »
Hi all!
My name is Ray, I'm a gay male in a relationship with a person I believe has a BPD; we have been together for almost five years and I am here to try to find answers, resources and empowerment to help our relationship.
I shall start from the beginning... .38 yo male with a good and stable job; I think that I am a bit more prone to become obsessive compulsive and narcissistic to any other pathology (you know, according to those online questions sites). Have a job that scrutinizes my psychological well-being every eight months -airline pilot- and well, according to tests I am still safe to be around airplanes.
Partner is 24 yo and on a regular basis develops the following conducts:
- Rapidly shifting emotions; on a minor problem he bursts angrily, becomes confrontational and takes polarized decisions (often suggesting ending the relationship). No grey or intermediate tones, it is either black and white when he gets his episodes.
- After a while from a confrontation, he feels sorry for making me feel sad and for those mood swings, apologizes but then feels it is unfair for me the way he treats me. He says we are in a vicious circle in which he commits the offense (by action or omission), I then avoid confrontation -supposedly, could be because I'm afraid to losing him-, I get "emotionally knocked out", we sleep it through and then a couple of weeks later it's all over again. He feels it is unfair and we should split up.
- Angry disruptions in close relationships; has a very, very, very bad relationship with his mother. He couldn't care less for her and in some instances he neglects her existence or blacks it out of his mind. Father is almost a non-existing figure. Could get very offensive with his best girlfriend.
- Angry reaction to stimuli; has intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the events or situations. He would bring unrelated issues out of context.
- Severe impulsivity; especially when it comes to ending our relationship.
- Reckless spending. I spend a lot for example on vacations, food or experiences, whereas he is more of a brand "shopper".
- I have been driving for about 20 years, two minor bumper hits; in a lapse of 2 years he has had not less than 5 small hits and about 5 speeding tickets.
- He changes jobs constantly; very little attachment to them. He is a professional nurse currently working out of the country in a restaurant to make some money and to improve his foreign language skills before he comes back to apply for a flight attendant position. All in two years.
- Develops shame and guilt after acting impulsively. Not on shopping, though.
- Sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness, specially from my part. Seems to remember every little negative thing I have said. I can't tell whether I have told those things or not anymore.
- Sometimes he is unsure about his long-term goals for our relationships and or professionally
I don't want to push a diagnosis nor I am qualified to provide one, but there's something there that can be improved given the mentioned dynamic. Besides the lessons on validation and not forcing into therapy (that I believe will help us tremendously, me being one of the participants for my own issues and over-controlling tendencies), what can I do? I love him more than anything else in the world. Despite me telling him that regular couples argue sometimes, the "episodes" are becoming a norm and thus he keeps bringing the need for a break.
Help me please understand!
Thank you lots for reading. You are an amazing bunch of people.
Ray.
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ortac77
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318
Re: Help me understand and cope
«
Reply #1 on:
January 12, 2017, 05:38:02 AM »
Hi Ray
Are you sure you are not me?
Sorry just kidding but your post echoes much of what I have lived with over the past 12 years so will try to help if I can.
Perhaps the first thing I would say is that you are describing many facets of BPD and there is a lot of info on this site to help you understand the condition. There are of course other conditions that could be in play and BPD is often co-morbid with other mental health problems.
Taking your points, you and I share the same career, we are thus used to handling complex situations with calmness, logic and a certainty of outcome and yes most pilots tend towards OCD - it is actually what makes good at what we do! Conversely it makes us less well equipped to deal with the type of behaviours that you are describing in your partner as we like certainty and tend to believe all problems can be solved with a satisfactory resolution.
We are also in a gay relationship and there is a similar age difference between myself and my partner. Each of the behaviours that you describe with a few minor differences exist in our lives too, initially I was at a total loss what to do but over the years have developed a good awareness and acceptance that my partner suffers from a serious mental health condition (in his case he has been diagnosed and he receives a degree of treatment, although in my opinion it is not really addressing the underlying problems).
What is harder for me (and I guess you) is coming to an acceptance of the problem and I have learnt that it is not about 'Love', nor money spent on treats, nor indeed any of the usual things we might think may help.
In fact all I can do is be supportive whilst retaining a very large degree of detachment which is not always easy as the condition tend to draw us into the chaos where our nature is to try and solve or deny the problem - it takes a lot to protect our own sanity and sense of reality.
Validation is OK if appropriate but it has and continues to take me a lot of effort to work out what I can validate and what I cannot!
I certainly have had to learn to walk away and allow myself 'me' time and I also have had to learn that although BPD is an illness, my partner still has to take the consequences of any actions he takes, it neither works nor is appropriate if I try to prevent those consequences. Neither is it appropriate to take ownership of the things that he tries to project onto me.
In essence its tough and there are times I can resent and get angry but I have had to really work hard on what are my feelings over which I am not powerless and helpless and what are his over which I am powerless.
My best advice is get some help/therapy for yourself because I can guarantee its going to get turbulent at times and you will not be able to maintain the relationship and avoid all the storms.
Very Best
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Ray727
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
Re: Help me understand and cope
«
Reply #2 on:
January 13, 2017, 01:44:57 AM »
Hi ortac77:
It feels great knowing others understand the situation and how complicated it is. Congratulations on those 12 years and my sincere admiration for your strength, love and commitment to your relationship.
"I can do is be supportive whilst retaining a very large degree of detachment which is not always easy as the condition tend to draw us into the chaos where our nature is to try and solve or deny the problem"
I have read some threads and one common thing I find is "getting detachment". Can't really be more difficult as I want to fight for my relationship, I know outside of the confusion of a BPD mind there is a beautiful world that we can share. Detaching sounds like walking alone, inevitably getting ready for a loss or ending where I -despite being one of the two- have no action capacity. How sad is that?
My best advice is get some help/therapy for yourself because I can guarantee its going to get turbulent at times and you will not be able to maintain the relationship and avoid all the storms.
I guess I need the resources, the know-how from therapy. I have taken it before (for other reasons) and loved it, I just need to make him see that our problems can be solved that way.
Ray.
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ortac77
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318
Re: Help me understand and cope
«
Reply #3 on:
January 14, 2017, 05:43:21 AM »
Quote from: Ray727 on January 13, 2017, 01:44:57 AM
Hi Ray
I have read some threads and one common thing I find is "getting detachment". Can't really be more difficult as I want to fight for my relationship, I know outside of the confusion of a BPD mind there is a beautiful world that we can share. Detaching sounds like walking alone, inevitably getting ready for a loss or ending where I -despite being one of the two- have no action capacity. How sad is that?
There are some good guidance on detachment on this site. Contrary to 'walking alone' it is more about ensuring that you can take steps to look after your side of the relationship. I used to think if only my partner could see things through 'my eyes' but had to come to realise that he cannot and it is not within my power to change that.
i can however change me and continue to learn that part of helping support my partner is to keep a healthy mindset because if I don't I too can get dragged into negative or distorted thinking.
I guess I need the resources, the know-how from therapy. I have taken it before (for other reasons) and loved it, I just need to make him see that our problems can be solved that way.
I found the more I learnt about the condition, and perhaps for me more importantly the part I play has helped me deal with some difficult situations. I could not have done that without a supportive structure in place
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