Hey AnotherIteration, adding my welcome along with Anon guy 47
Stepfamily dynamics are already tough enough (stepmom to two here
). When untreated BPD is in the mix, it's so much harder, so we're glad you found us and are ready to get some support.
It's not impossible for a family or relationship to heal and repair after DV, though it's not easy, and not a do-it-yourself project, either. Having young children in that situation is pretty serious; good to hear you two are pursuing professional help given the impact on the kids of untreated BPD/DV.
What kind of help are you planning to get? And are any of you (kids included) in individual counseling/therapy right now?
We often don't think we'll need DV help... until we do. I made my first DV hotline call earlier this year (due to things the kids told me were happening at their mom's house -- things very similar to what your partner is doing). I called our local hotline, not the national one, and I felt really supported and understood in the middle of my confusion and anxiety. I did appreciate that if needed, the local hotline would know more about how things usually unfolded in our area (legal/CPS stuff can vary based on your location).
The national hotline is still a good resource, especially if your area doesn't have a local one.
A DV hotline won't tell you "you have to leave" or make you do anything. They can help you come up with safety plans to make sure you and your family are as safe as possible under the current circumstances. They aren't mandatory reporters and won't secretly make calls/reports to the police or CPS without your knowledge.
Calling a DV hotline doesn't mean you have to do anything particular -- it's you getting information to help you make the best choices for your family and challenging circumstances.
Do you think you might have some time (lunch break, sitting in the car, etc) to give a hotline a call, and then let us know how it goes?
We understand here.