First Post

[Ttbwrn]

I am make, 43, codependent (recent self discovery) and have been in 4 serious relationships in my life (all BPD partners). I don’t know why I am attracted to these relationships - the extreme fantasy and idealization are a drug to me. My last relationship ended 7 weeks ago (26 months) and it was an extremely traumatic experience. So much bad, trauma and pain. Yet the rumination about my ex is like nothing I have ever experienced and it’s honestly the most painful experience of my life. I imagine it as being like drug detox - not to minimize that experience. I am in therapy, I’m reading and living a healthy life. I have been no contact for 7 weeks but I want the rumination and fantasy to stop. I need to heal and move on and I don’t know why it’s soooo difficult this time. I would love any advice and tips that could be offered. I can share more details for context if needed. Thank you

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family; I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  Since this is your 4th experience with a BPD partner, you already know how difficult this can be physically and mentally.  But you also know that at some point, you're going to realize that the relationship wasn't healthy or stable.

Why is this time different?  I think every BPD relationship plays out differently, even if they have so much stuff in common.  To me, it's very sad for everyone involved and there are no "winners" when things start to fall apart.

It's great that you're in therapy and working towards a new future; it sounds like you're doing all the right things.  More than anything, your heart just needs time to process what you've been through.

With that said, please feel free to talk out anything you want- what happened, how you're feeling, where you're struggling, etc.  It helps so much at times just to vent and be around others who get it.  We really are a family here and I hope you'll take advantage of that.

[Under The Bridge]

It is indeed hard going after breaking up with a BPD. Contradicting feelings like knowing in your heart that the relationship was toxic while at the same time still wanting to be with the person.

The time for stopping rumination can vary massively - in my case I was quite happy to end things but spent a lot of time still thinking about her and, I suppose, wishing she'd have a miraculous 'turn about' and contact me as a normal, mentally healthy person. Such is the spell they cast.

It will fade though, just keep on with your own life and interests. You had a life before you met the BPD and you can have one after.  If thoughts of them with another partner are causing ruminations then realise that they will treat them exactly as they treated you. Nobody is the 'White Knight'; the only difference will be how long the new partner puts up with it before also leaving.

Stay strong and best wishes.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Also m43 with at least 3 long-term past BPD relationships (likely 4).  So I clearly don't have any answers, but you're in the right place.

With experience, I've found it's easier to see the signs earlier. I've also found that a lot of my problems are caused by me willingly moving forward with ill-advised relationships, always thinking I can overcome the BPD hurdles. And clearly there's something I initially enjoy about these relationships in the first place.

It's also interesting to think about what signs I show outwardly to signal that I'm willing to put up with a BPD relationship - how do they find me so quickly?

I know your post is focused on healing and moving on. I guess my questions are more about how this happens in the first place. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on either part.

[Pook075]

I know your post is focused on healing and moving on. I guess my questions are more about how this happens in the first place. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on either part.

After my long-term marriage to a BPD spouse ended, I started dating online and met someone overseas.  And at first, I saw some worrying trends- she idolized me, she was fiercely strict on her son, she got angry at family and exploded, etc.  But none of this was ever directed to me except in a few cases of jealousy (which is another red flag).

I kept thinking though, could this be another BPD relationship?  Or am I just being paranoid?

I've been married to this person for 9 months now and at times, I still question if BPD can be in the mix.  But the beautiful thing is that the skills we learn on this site work regardless if we're talking mental illness or not.  So when my new wife feels invalidated or brushed aside, I stop whatever I'm doing and love on her.  And 99% of the time, the problem never actually becomes a problem.

Every now and then my wife will get her feelings hurt and give me the silent treatment for a little while.  This includes dirty looks, aggressively pulling away when I try to touch her, and general pouting throughout the day.  But I'll kiss her on the cheek anyway, tell her I love her, and then I'll give her space to work it out in her own mind.  Usually by the end of the day she's apologizing and back to being her normal goofy, fun-loving self.

No matter what happens, whether it's BPD or not, I validate my wife's feelings and we have a great marriage.  And I think that's the key for any relationship, we're there to love and support the people we care about.

Does my current wife have BPD?  I really don't know, it depends on what day you ask me.  But I do know how to love her and validate her feelings, so I'm not too worried either way.