Ex BPD bf left again...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

To give a quick history, I posted on this site one year ago. My ex (diagnosed) BPD bf broke up with me a year ago and I was having a very hard time. I tried begging for him back for months. I was doing everything it took to be with him and he constantly played with my emotions and pushed me away. He finally said we couldn't do this anymore and he wanted all contact to be completely off. In the last couple weeks of him pushing me away I met someone else. I did not go looking for them at all but they were right there and they showed interest in me. I was very hesitant about it at first because I was not near ready for anything else but everyone in my life said I should do it to help move on from my ex. Well, not even two weeks later my ex BPD bf came begging for me back saying things were different and he was ready to work on things. I didn't trust him right away, the trust was broken. I wanted him back for so long and he was awful to me. He was adamant on proving it was different this time so I let him. Unfortunately I made the mistake of seeing both my ex and the new guy at the same time. I know I should not have done that but I was so confused and in such a low place. I made it clear to both of them that I was not exclusive to either. Fast forward just over 2 months my ex said he had a strong feeling there was someone else and I finally admitted to everything. I told him I'm sorry for what I did and that I was going to end it with the new guy that day. I am being 100% honest when I say that was my plan, however my ex beat me to it. I was going to tell him everything because I wanted to get back together. I truly felt like things were going to be different for us.

So my ex and I got back together and things were going amazing. We moved in together after a few months and we were both so happy. We would constantly tell each other how much we loved each other and we would always be doing nice things for one another. Unfortunately, during a few arguments he would bring up the past guy and how everything happened. I tried to talk to him about it but I would get increasingly frustrated because we mutually agreed to leave it in the past as we wanted to rebuild and work on our future together. 10 months back together and he has now broken up with me two weeks ago. He said he can't get over the past and that I have done nothing to fix it. He hates me for what I did to him. He has been very awful and saying very mean things to me. He moved all his stuff out a week ago and I am heartbroken yet again. I find it very odd that it is at the same time as the breakup last year. The only difference now is I have a much better understanding of how this all works and what to do/what not to do. I was doing really good being NC for the past week even though he kept contacting me everyday for random things he left behind. I was keeping it together and staying strong until this past Saturday I had a breakdown. I ended up reaching out to him and he convinced me to meet up, have sex and talk about things. We have slept together a couple times during the breakup as he says its the only way he can show and feel loved. Well once we started talking about things he got very angry and said I don't deserve a second chance. He said very hurtful things yet again. He also told me he is talking to another girl. This killed me down to my core. He was adamant that they are just friends and its not like that at all. He said she thinks I'm gorgeous and beautiful. I find this all so weird... .he has this girl to confide in now which is not like him at all. I know a vast majority of people with BPD will find someone new right away, but he was never like that... .until now. He texted me this morning saying he was sick about his behavior and he is so sorry for everything and that he loves me very much. He was actually very emotional and you could tell he was struggling with everything happening. I know I need to go NC now but wow am I ever hurting. I want him to come back to me but I am scared that if he does I don't know if he will leave me again. I feel like a terrible person over what happened in the past and he won't let me forget about it. We have been together for 2 and a half years and I feel like he is throwing it all away... .

[myselfandi]

Hi everyone,

To give a quick history, I posted on this site one year ago. My ex (diagnosed) BPD bf broke up with me a year ago and I was having a very hard time. I tried begging for him back for months. I was doing everything it took to be with him and he constantly played with my emotions and pushed me away. He finally said we couldn't do this anymore and he wanted all contact to be completely off. In the last couple weeks of him pushing me away I met someone else. I did not go looking for them at all but they were right there and they showed interest in me. I was very hesitant about it at first because I was not near ready for anything else but everyone in my life said I should do it to help move on from my ex. Well, not even two weeks later my ex BPD bf came begging for me back saying things were different and he was ready to work on things. I didn't trust him right away, the trust was broken. I wanted him back for so long and he was awful to me. He was adamant on proving it was different this time so I let him. Unfortunately I made the mistake of seeing both my ex and the new guy at the same time. I know I should not have done that but I was so confused and in such a low place. I made it clear to both of them that I was not exclusive to either. Fast forward just over 2 months my ex said he had a strong feeling there was someone else and I finally admitted to everything. I told him I'm sorry for what I did and that I was going to end it with the new guy that day. I am being 100% honest when I say that was my plan, however my ex beat me to it. I was going to tell him everything because I wanted to get back together. I truly felt like things were going to be different for us.

So my ex and I got back together and things were going amazing. We moved in together after a few months and we were both so happy. We would constantly tell each other how much we loved each other and we would always be doing nice things for one another. Unfortunately, during a few arguments he would bring up the past guy and how everything happened. I tried to talk to him about it but I would get increasingly frustrated because we mutually agreed to leave it in the past as we wanted to rebuild and work on our future together. 10 months back together and he has now broken up with me two weeks ago. He said he can't get over the past and that I have done nothing to fix it. He hates me for what I did to him. He has been very awful and saying very mean things to me. He moved all his stuff out a week ago and I am heartbroken yet again. I find it very odd that it is at the same time as the breakup last year. The only difference now is I have a much better understanding of how this all works and what to do/what not to do. I was doing really good being NC for the past week even though he kept contacting me everyday for random things he left behind. I was keeping it together and staying strong until this past Saturday I had a breakdown. I ended up reaching out to him and he convinced me to meet up, have sex and talk about things. We have slept together a couple times during the breakup as he says its the only way he can show and feel loved. Well once we started talking about things he got very angry and said I don't deserve a second chance. He said very hurtful things yet again. He also told me he is talking to another girl. This killed me down to my core. He was adamant that they are just friends and its not like that at all. He said she thinks I'm gorgeous and beautiful. I find this all so weird... .he has this girl to confide in now which is not like him at all. I know a vast majority of people with BPD will find someone new right away, but he was never like that... .until now. He texted me this morning saying he was sick about his behavior and he is so sorry for everything and that he loves me very much. He was actually very emotional and you could tell he was struggling with everything happening. I know I need to go NC now but wow am I ever hurting. I want him to come back to me but I am scared that if he does I don't know if he will leave me again. I feel like a terrible person over what happened in the past and he won't let me forget about it. We have been together for 2 and a half years and I feel like he is throwing it all away... .

[GD39]

I can only share my experience. I am a magnet for BPD women. I divorced one, and now in a relationship with another. Once I figured something had to change in me I decided to go to therapy. In the meantime, I have educated myself on BPD as much as I can. Here are my conclusions: 1- if you end up pwBPD there is something in you that is attracted to that. Me? The "being in a pedestal" that goes in the beginning, 2- once you know that you have to accept that comes with a price, and that is the being in the pedestal one day, and in the dog house and hour later, 3- there is no hope for either of you if help is not put in place.

My current girlfriend breaks up with me EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I finally was able to learn, 1- to expect that this can happen at any moment, and 2- to be prepared and be at the ready with some tools to counteract. I learned about validation and to read emotions. Logic does not apply in BPD. In a "normal" relationship you could expect to things to be "put behind" once both parties agree. Not the case with BPD. This might, and WILL come out every time he is not doing well. All you can do at that time is use what you learn. The two books that were the most beneficial to me where, Get Me Out of Here (Rachel Reiland), and Loving Someone with BPD (Shari Y. Manning). I heard thousands of times about how to act / react to the BPD behavior, that it was not personal, yadda, yadda. These two books put it to me in a perspective that I could digest and understand. 

Here is what I know now, I have given all I can, and will do for some more time. I am building slowly, but surely, a path for her to join me in therapy. I chose a professional versed in BPD and DBT. If she does not agree to do the work, I have already my exit plan. There is no other alternative. I envisioned over and over an experience like yours. What if after investing 5, 10, 15 years, my BPD announces one day that she is done and leaves for good leaving me behind shattered? I realized that is not the future I want for myself. There is no amount of love that will make me do that. I deserve more than that.

My two cents.

[vortex of confusion]

What if after investing 5, 10, 15 years, my BPD announces one day that she is done and leaves for good leaving me behind shattered?

Why would anybody want to stay in a relationship like this for 5, 10, 15 years?

My ex would probably still be around and would likely still be doing abusive and inexcusable things if I hadn't gotten tired and stood up for myself. No matter how much somebody loves another person, that is not an excuse to allow yourself to be treated abusively.

I can completely understand feeling like he is throwing it all away. There was a lot of time when I felt like ex threw me away. He would argue that I am the one that asked him to leave. He said that he isn't the one that left by choice. Um, that completely begs the question of, "How much crap was I supposed to take?"

He may not have left voluntarily but I don't know anybody with any amount of sanity that would have continued to stick around and take the kind of stuff that he was dishing out. He wasn't leaving me or breaking up with me but he was showing me pictures of his latest love interests because we were supposed to be in an "open" relationship. It was fine for him to show me pictures of those women and tell me how great they were and how they inspired him and floated his boat and I didn't. Having somebody claim to be "IN" a relationship with you means nothing if there is no reciprocity.

When I first started seeking help from different avenues, like a 12 step group for spouses of sex addicts, one of the first questions I was asked is, "Why didn't you say something? Why did you allow yourself to be treated like that?" Um, very good question. I can love ex and see good qualities in him while making a very conscious decision to NOT be in a relationship with him because he is incapable of being in a reciprocal relationship.