Hi wb312,
I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, you're discovering truths about your marriage that can be difficult to digest, it can also take time to accept that our partner is suffering from a mental illness. Hopefully we can help you in your journey
You're not alone.
I always thought it was me - Or at least I was always told that we have the issues we do in our marriage because of me. I've always the problem because "he doesn't have issues in life other than issues with me."
I completely understand how confusing it is when our partner blames everything on us in the marriage, this is where I started to realize that there was something fundamentally wrong I didn't know why. SWOE explains projection, a pwBPD will project their feelings on others and particulary partners, we're the closest to them.
If you think about it, a r/s or marriage takes two people, two equal parts, it's not all one persons fault, a pwBPD or the non. Projection is a defense mechanism that protects a pwBPD's ego, it's not something that they can control, I just want to make clear that I'm not absolving mental illness and saying that it's Ok for mentally ill people to carry on that way, they still have a responsibility to themselves to get help for their mental health and to get better. My point is is that it's something that a pwBPD are going through, it's not personal to us, seperate yourself from his behaviors and depersonalize them. I also understand that it's easier said than done but you can create a goal and work towards that goal in the long run.
I think to myself, wow this is some sort of terrible Karma coming my way.
I get your point, if I think of karma, it would mean to me that I did something in the past that was less desirable and now I'm paying for it, I think that a pwBPD teach us about r/s', it's hard to believe that a disorder where it impacts or impairs a pwBPD with interpersonal r/s's but it you look inward and do the self work, you'll see how it improves your r/s with your H and not only that it carries over to other r/s's in life with family members, friends, etc.
love this person, I only want the best for him, for us but I feel like I can never move forward in life because his BP traits set us back tremendously.
Yuo're right that it's a lot easier said than done, I also understand how difficult BPD behaviors are, it's not easy, but I also understand that this is how you feel now. There are only two things that you can control, your thoughts and feelings, there are startegies with coping with a pwBPD but the biggest strategy is changing how we respond, depersonalizing the behaviors and radically accepting our pwBPD for who they are, not for what we wish for or aspire them to be.
