Visiting parent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Staying with parent for a week who is in denial about BPD. Hoping to have a peaceful vacation, brought my 7 year old to visit with his grandmother. She appreciates that but can  Tell she is on edge already. She is very sweet with her grandchild.
However I have only been in the house for an hour and she is accusing me of not visiting her but the attractions that are in the city.
Just to be mean.
I'm
Keeping my bags packed in case I need to make an emergency exit.
Any other suggestions on how to deal with the accusations and hurtful untrue comments or how to react so nothing escalates this trip.
Thanks!

[Charlotte8]

Staying with parent for a week who is in denial about BPD. Hoping to have a peaceful vacation, brought my 7 year old to visit with his grandmother. She appreciates that but can  Tell she is on edge already. She is very sweet with her grandchild.
However I have only been in the house for an hour and she is accusing me of not visiting her but the attractions that are in the city.
Just to be mean.
I'm
Keeping my bags packed in case I need to make an emergency exit.
Any other suggestions on how to deal with the accusations and hurtful untrue comments or how to react so nothing escalates this trip.
Thanks!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Charlotte8! 

Thank you for joining us here! So glad to have you as part of our family. 

I can certainly understand why you would feel stressed for this visit with your uBPDm. Does the week seem to be stretching out ahead of you endlessly?

I think It's great that you have taken your son to visit, and it's really important that you stay aware and protect him which I'm sure you are doing. Have you tried saying to her, "We came to visit you and for your grandchild to learn about the history (or about the wonderful community) of this wonderful area where you live!" It might throw her off the projection track of feeling abandoned if you can praise the local area attractions and how great It is that she chose to live in such a great place. Or if it is a return to childhood areas that you love, perhaps encourage her sense of how much you want to show him all the favorite places you enjoyed while growing up there. Do you feel comfortable in inviting her along on any of these trips?

We'll be here for you!
Wools

[Charlotte8]

Thank you wools!
Yes I feel pretty comfortable with her coming aling and I did extend the invitation but then she accused me of not understanding her health issues and explained that she is not able to walk for long lengths of time because of her COPD. Saying you don't get it,you don't get anything.
The comment about me visiting just for the attractions and a "free" place to stay... .,,,has been a reoccurring argument for us for years.  She knows this is a trigger for me and brought it up the second day I was in town ( which is what I meant by she is being mean) but I didn't respond to it.  I have brought my child to visit her for 2 sometimes 3 weeks in the summer every summer since he has been born so they have a relationship and also to see my dad ( who has to deal with this all year long) and probably the guilt of leaving.

I have already upset her a few times ... .I offered to go to the store to pick up groceries she said cant you just help me clean for 10 minutes?
Soo
I now have just been very quiet... .and have responded to her questions with a yes/ no response  because I am afraid to say anything. Nothing will be right.


 I know responding with yes no responses is coming across as passive aggressive to her and probably is a little bit... .and will also set her off.  She actually just hung up on me when she called to chat and  to see where we were since she had plans and when I said we were at home she said I don't care if you go out when I'm not there... .go have fun.
Yes she calls to chat one second and be controlling the next... .such a .roller coaster
I can't turn it on and off like that.

I do think I can apply your suggestion to other situations though wools and know my family would appreciate it. although I have deep anger issues and am no actress I get what you are saying and will try to be kinder
You nailed it when you said she feels abandoned.

I know I'm not totally innocent and should give her a break... .a break meaning agree with her or ignore the situation and still be pleasant. I have he ignoring down its being pleasant after her attacks that is so difficult...

So far no yelling but walking on egg shells. The no yelling is the most important thing to me... .since I have a 7 year old in the house.
He has been exposed to a few and although kids are resilient I do not want it to happen again.
Yea the trip is stretching out ahead of me... .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Charlotte8,

How are you doing now? Are you back home after your visit or are you still there?

From some of the examples you listed, it sure sounds as if it is difficult to please your mom. If she accuses you of not inviting her, you invite her. Then she becomes upset that you didn't invite her in the right way or did so without thinking of her (according to her viewpoint). How frustrating you must feel at times!

Are you able to recognize that her choices are her choices, and the manner in which she responds is totally her choice? You've extended your welcome and care for her. That is awesome!  Please do not feel FOG (feelings of guilt) for a choice which she is making. You have done your job in that you were doing your best to meet her needs. They are needs which she will not allow to be met. Does that make sense? One one hand she begs for them to be met, on the other she scorns the very hand that would feed her. Such confusion doesn't allow you any comfort and only brings tons of confusion.

I am going to post a couple of links which might be helpful to you:

Empathetic Listening and Active Listening
Know the Infamous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

These articles link to topics that are along the lines of some of the things you've expressed. Please let us know how you are doing!
 

Wools