"Fixing" people

[Dragon72]

If there's one thing I've learned on this journey since discovering about BPD is that the only person responsible for ones own happiness is oneself.

I'm beginning to work on myself and do more for me to make ME happier.  Have stronger boundaries. Respect and love myself more. Be more selfish.

Sometimes I would just like to say to my pwBPD: "I see that you are really unhappy. I'm sorry that you feel that way.  I used to think that I could stop you from feeling bad. But know this: the only person who can make you feel better is yourself. It has to come from within YOU."

But that's not what she wants to hear.  If it's not someone else's fault then it means she's broken or bad to the core.  That's too much to bear.

[Grey Kitty]

   Great lesson!

And you are correct--you cannot impart it upon your pwBPD. Any more than you can actually fix her unhappy feelings.

The best you can do is make it clear to her (either with words or actions) that you are not actually going to take responsibility for her feelings and try to fix them.

And since her "requests" and your attempts to manage her feelings were mostly done through indirectly stated undercurrents rather than direct words, your (new) response will be similar much of the time.

One magical thing about proper validation is that it often puts the responsibility EXACTLY where it belongs... .in effect, you are acknowledging her feelings, and handing them right back to her. (Instead of trying to take away her 'bad' feelings or give her 'good' feelings!)

You can also care for her, and you can do nice/kind things for her still... .and let her choose her feelings in response. (As if you could do otherwise... .)

[formflier]

How can you say this without "pointing a finger at her".

Validate... .state the life lesson... .perhaps even agree with her... .but give her the option to "pick it up" or "leave it on the floor".

When you say "You xyz... ." You have placed it in their hands... .the only real option is do I toss it away or not.

FF

[Dragon72]

I've never actually said it to her and probably never will until the day I leave her. I fear that that day is getting nearer and nearer.
I've learned that it's pointless ever suggesting to a pwBPD that they make changes. I can only change myself.

[Lucky Jim]

hey Dragon72, I don't regard self-love as selfish.  Indeed, I think it's the acorn which makes new growth possible.  My goal is to love myself enough that I will never again allow myself to the object of someone's abuse.  That's my boundary.  It seems simple now that I'm aware of it, yet I suffered greatly from a lack of self-love.

LuckyJim

[Coconut2017]

hey Dragon72, I don't regard self-love as selfish.  Indeed, I think it's the acorn which makes new growth possible.  My goal is to love myself enough that I will never again allow myself to the object of someone's abuse.  That's my boundary.  It seems simple now that I'm aware of it, yet I suffered greatly from a lack of self-love.

LuckyJim

It is my goal now too. After two years of confusion, feeling hurt and lost, bending backwards trying to fix the relationship I decided that it's time to fix myself instead and made it a priority. I practice yoga and yoga teaches us that without self-love we cannot truly love others either.