I solved one problem... and got a hundred other problems...

[LonelyChild]

So, after a BPD r/s with an absolutely crazy woman, reading 10-20 books on psychology and PDs, going to therapy for over two years, I've finally managed to accept the reality of my insane upbringing. Both of  my parents are definitely disordered, but especially my father is an insane human being (he's now completely on his own except for my mother who is addicted to him being around, even though she despises him).

I am no longer attracted to BPD women (well, I am in some sort of childish, naive sense, but I don't really find them attractive anymore, it's more of curiosity and I have no interest in dating them). I'm assuming this is from all insights and discoveries when delving into my past etc.

However, solving that has created a whole plethora of other problems:

1. I no longer have any sense of self. I used to have one. I realize now that it was probably faux, but at least I had a *sense* of self. I no longer have it. There are no longer any life goals, no hobbies, no interests. Nothing. I live life like a robot. I get up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. I am surely depressed. This is despite me having a top 3% paying job for my age, being highly educated etc. I just don't feel *anything* anymore. The sense of self is almost entirely gone. The one thing that makes me feel ok (sometimes good) is being alone, having no obligations, lying on the couch and doing nothing.

2. I am no longer attracted to anyone. Removing my attraction to BPD women did not automatically solve me being attracted to "normal", healthy women. Instead, I've completely lost the ability to be attracted to anyone. I can find women beautiful, sexy, etc, but it never goes deeper than that. I've dated many women, and every single time I just realize that I don't care one bit if she leaves me, dates someone else or whatever else I can think of. I place *no* demands on the other party (which they find a bit off turning, it seems) and I accept *no* demands placed on me. I just take it for what it is. Which is, almost nothing. Just noise as I drift through this life time.

3. I can no longer enjoy anything (except doing nothing). I guess this ties into point 1. I've tried so many things. I forced myself to paint a wall at home, I restored a bike from the 60's piece by piece, I started hiking, biking, working out, I got a pastime job making ice cream, I bought a new car, I try new styles. I have to force myself to do anything at all, because everything feels like crap. I just want to do nothing. No talking, no working, nothing at all. I just want to be asleep, really. Dreams are ok because in them, I feel *something* (although not always something pleasant).

4. I don't feel at home anywhere. I used to feel at home in this town (moved here 4 years ago). I've considered moving, but I don't know where to move to, because wherever I go, everything feels distant and pointless. Just as it does where I live, but since it's status quo, I can't really find a reason to move anyway.

How do you cope with this? It's only getting worse. Before therapy etc, at least I felt that I was alive. In retrospect, my ex at least made me feel something. As it is now, I just want my lifetime to pass, not really having any interest in living it.

[cancan88]

 I Can Completely Relate to You Right Now. I Think This is The Part That is The Hardest. Well Learning How to Identify And Detach From a BPD Relationship is One of the Hardest Things You can do in your life. I think the hardest part is really moving on and letting go of our past. From reading everything in the forums, in therapy and in our experiences we learn to identify and working on boundaries. But the true challenge is working on the our own issues from our childhood. We aren’t the only victims, and we are responsible for our parts in these relationships.

The main point I’m trying to make is. And I’m actually at this same crossroad myself. Is ultimately trying to figure out what i want. I think we spent so much time having people tell us what we want. We ultimately don’t what else to do. I’ve spent the past few years since my ex modding two sports cars and motorcycle. I go racing every other weekend, but even while it sounds cool to people. I find it very dull. I love the project aspect and the work. But I feel unfulfilled.

 I tried dating to the point I saw multiple people during the week for almost 8 months. It was a great distraction for a while. And even that got old.

While having the option of doing so many things. I find comfort in staying home and doing nothing too. I feel this guilt for doing nothing. But then this could be burnout from everything. If you figure out the answer and solution let me know... .

[A Different Me]

I have that feeling of no joy myself and I was only interested in working as much OT as I could as an excuse not to do anything else, and I actually moved to Hawaii then started doing OT.

Can you think of something you did before your were in the relationship that you loved? It could be simply going to a Mexican Restaurant and grabbing some amazing Tacos you did by yourself, or watching like a Godzilla movie , something you have enjoyed all your life , but you just kinda forgot about -

Be easy on yourself- and good to yourself- you are your best friend- treat you like it.
Sorry you are going through this- and know eventually the tide does settle-
Wishing you well brother.

[LonelyChild]

Can you think of something you did before your were in the relationship that you loved?

Yes, many. None of them make me feel anything whatsoever anymore. Literally zero. I can't even bother to do it more than 15 minutes until I become bored. I've really tried to get back into them. Can't.

Sorry you are going through this- and know eventually the tide does settle-

Not so sure, I'm ~2 years out now.

[Coconut2017]

I can totally relate.
It feels that there is no point to anything anymore.
I am clutching straws trying to get myself out of this funk and find myself again with T, hypnotherapy, NLP, meditation, yoga and anything else I could think of... .

[stimpy]

Hi Lonelychild, I think your journey is one that I and I'm sure many others can relate to, and I too came to the unpleasant of disturbing conclusion that my father held many narcissistic traits and quite possibly was NPD, my mother lacked empathy and found it difficult to love, and her wires got pretty messed up some times, and that the childhood that my parents gave me made me very vulnerable to a relationship with a pwBPD.

So, the amount of processing to get all this stuff sorted in my mind has been enormous. Things I took for granted - about myself and my parents, were actually not right, and actually I now realise that to maintain good emotional health is something I will have to work at, maybe for the rest of my life.

What also resonated so much from your post, was that around a year ago, while I still being stalked by my ex, I think I was suffering both from anxiety and depression. I had a friend over for a meal, and I said to her,

"you know something, I'm not me, I'm just not me, I ACT me, but I'm not me at the moment". And I burst into tears. My friend, a nurse with decades of experience simply said, it sounds like depression, not clinical depression, just basically that you are unhappy, and you are having to find yourself again, you have had so much happen to you... .

And yes, I think that is right. A year later and I feel so much better, and it has just been time, NC, and re-appraising quite who I am, what I want, and what matters to me, and this has been done in the background as it were. No revelations, no tadaa... .moments. I have as it were let myself sort things out slowly and gradually. I have indulged in some alternative therapies, meditation and so on, but none made any impact on me long term, it has been my journey. And the journey continues.

I can't say whether my experience is a parallel to yours, but that feeling of who am I and what do I want, is one that I do recognise... .Perhaps you are in the process of redefining yourself, and that is a huge thing to do... ., we are all so different and unique. I wish you well... .

[LonelyChild]

I can't say whether my experience is a parallel to yours, but that feeling of who am I and what do I want, is one that I do recognise... .Perhaps you are in the process of redefining yourself, and that is a huge thing to do... ., we are all so different and unique. I wish you well... .

I think the hopelessnses consists of:

1) I have no tried SO many different things (different jobs, different dates, different hobbies, different whatever) and *every single time* I end up realizing "well whatever I want to do, it's not quite this." I literally do not know what to try anymore. My P used to say "just say yes to everything" which I did for a year (more or less literally). Still nothing.

2) It's getting worse, not better. I used to be able to at least fake some kind of enjoyment. I can't even bother with that anymore. Looking back 1.5 years (6 months out from r/s) I actually felt better than now, 2 years out from r/s. I can just barely muster the energy to get crap done that needs to be done. I literally don't do anything more than I have to anymore, because I don't have the energy and I don't enjoy it anyhow.

I think the issue boils down to the combination of:

a) Work is taking over my life. I mean, it does this for everyone, but in combination with b) below, it becomes unbearable. I can't stand having to throw away 2/3 of my waking time on something that I *know* isn't important. The truth is, most jobs are absolutely unimportant. I currently work (through my company) with Tesla, writing software for them to improve their manufacturing process. For what? So they can improve their profit just a little. So they can make slightly better cars that few people can afford anyway. So their shareholders keep smiling throughout the year. It's a really destructive system or culture. I get paid a lot, but from some ethical point of view, I'm really not doing crap for the world. And this applies to almost every job. Most of the few jobs that actually bring value (i.e. taking care of others, taking care of the elderly, educating children, picking up scrap in nature, taking care of our nature etc) are really low paying. Which brings another issue to the table; me being more dependent on work, which I absolutely hate. I want to work less, not more. As it is now, I could tell my boss to go f**k himself, and he knows that. I could live for some year without working.

b) On top of a), I don't really have any family. My dad is a narcissist and beat me with sticks when I was 7 years old. My mother is playing the victim all the time. They hate each other, but still can't leave each other. My sister is so tired of her family-of-origin, that she basically don't even want to talk to me. She is likely also depressed.

So yeah, I have nothing. Except a mountain of cash.

[patientandclear]

Every so often someone posts essentially this post and I always answer "me too." This is the most devastating impact of the BPD r/ship for me. It's like it destroyed my pleasure receptors. One of the many therapists I worked with said "he took your meaningful life."

Lonely Child, I appreciate your push back and honesty in the face of the "it gets better" assurances. If it does, the time horizon for me is super long.

The best advice I saw on the last thread about this effect was from Conundrum, who wrote that meaning can come from sources other than happiness--from knowing you are doing something valuable even if it isn't pleasurable to you. Where that connects to your post is that you can imagine meaningful work, you just note it is not well-compensated. So? You say you can afford to take a flier. Maybe, take one, and plan and make a big work shift to one of those areas you find meaningful. And see if that eventually shakes up your ability to feel pleasure.

[Karmajoy]

What about getting a dog?

[hope2727]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I too struggle(d) with something similar. I lost my educational path, custody of my elderly disabled mother, my financial ability to continue in university full time, my friends, my dreams, everything. It took years to find anything that made me feel happy again. I still struggle with this. I hate work but it pays well. I hate living in my house because his ghost is everywhere. My goals are now beyond my reach for various reasons. I too am lost.

It has been 3 years now and I have found a few glimmers of hope. I started taking music lessons and it is VERY challenging. I've had to suspend these for a bit due to financial constraints but when I am able I find the concentration required and the reward when piece finally comes together is very satisfying.

I have a motorcycle now. It is not really my favourite thing I have discovered, but I do enjoy tinkering with it and am learning to enjoy riding a bit more each month.

I have a little home in a big city and recently cut down a MASSIVE tree in the yard that broke in half during a storm. I had them leave the stump on a whim and I am going to turn it into a gnome/fairey house which is totally ridiculous but who cares I am going to do it. I am planning a raised garden boxes around the base of the tree because the roots of the tree will interfere with any lawn but the stump has given me a winter project. I can plan the little doors and windows and as stupid as it seems I am excited to create something again. Even something as stupid as a gnome home.

I am taking a masters degree (which I hate) but I will complete. Then I will probably do something further with the degree as a prerequisite.

Meanwhile for the first time in far to long I have the opportunity to ride a horse loaned to me. So somehow I am going to try and fit that into my life too.

So yes it is a huge loss of self after these relationships. However with enough time and rest (yes rest, let yourself sleep) and saying both yes to everything for awhile, and then no to everything when you need your time to yourself you can find a path to happiness again. Please consider stashing some money away for awhile and then taking a leave of absence to do some travelling. I travel alone and I never fail to dread the trip and then always have an amazing time once I am away. I meet people and see things and being away from my home helps to lift the dark fog of post BPD trauma. Its only a suggestion but it might help. Otherwise try guitar lessons. I know its stupid but they are so hard that they force my brain to work totally differently. As I slowly progress I find I laugh out loud to myself for the first time in years.

You can and will find your joy again. It will be different now but it will come. It is the end of year three for me and I laugh a little each day now. You will too. I promise.

[A Different Me]

What about getting a dog?

I was going to suggest the same thing

Sorry you aren't having joy-
I think the reason I didn't have joy for a while because I think the receptors in my brain literally got fizzled out from all the biophysical responses I was having - the anger, the PTSD Flashbacks-
I know diet and sleep have huge impacts on how we feel.
Take care and maybe that dog idea might work.

[cancan88]

I think the hopelessnses consists of:

1) I have no tried SO many different things (different jobs, different dates, different hobbies, different whatever) and *every single time* I end up realizing "well whatever I want to do, it's not quite this." I literally do not know what to try anymore. My P used to say "just say yes to everything" which I did for a year (more or less literally). Still nothing.

2) It's getting worse, not better. I used to be able to at least fake some kind of enjoyment. I can't even bother with that anymore. Looking back 1.5 years (6 months out from r/s) I actually felt better than now, 2 years out from r/s. I can just barely muster the energy to get crap done that needs to be done. I literally don't do anything more than I have to anymore, because I don't have the energy and I don't enjoy it anyhow.

I think the issue boils down to the combination of:

a) Work is taking over my life. I mean, it does this for everyone, but in combination with b) below, it becomes unbearable. I can't stand having to throw away 2/3 of my waking time on something that I *know* isn't important. The truth is, most jobs are absolutely unimportant. I currently work (through my company) with Tesla, writing software for them to improve their manufacturing process. For what? So they can improve their profit just a little. So they can make slightly better cars that few people can afford anyway. So their shareholders keep smiling throughout the year. It's a really destructive system or culture. I get paid a lot, but from some ethical point of view, I'm really not doing crap for the world. And this applies to almost every job. Most of the few jobs that actually bring value (i.e. taking care of others, taking care of the elderly, educating children, picking up scrap in nature, taking care of our nature etc) are really low paying. Which brings another issue to the table; me being more dependent on work, which I absolutely hate. I want to work less, not more. As it is now, I could tell my boss to go f**k himself, and he knows that. I could live for some year without working.

b) On top of a), I don't really have any family. My dad is a narcissist and beat me with sticks when I was 7 years old. My mother is playing the victim all the time. They hate each other, but still can't leave each other. My sister is so tired of her family-of-origin, that she basically don't even want to talk to me. She is likely also depressed.

So yeah, I have nothing. Except a mountain of cash.

This is just an opinion. But it sounds more like you think you are stuck. You keep mentioning money as the sole reason why you do what you do. But I think ultimately you’ve outgrown what you are doing. When you were with your ex and all your baggage from your childhood the job and life fit you. Now You’ve started your work on yourself when you detached. But I think you’ve ultimately answered your own question that this job isn’t right for you anymore. I don’t think any more hobbies will change that. And to be honest I think you’ve tried everything else. It might be time trying to find something more fulfilling, instead of something that distracts you for the elephant in you room.

‘For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow.’

[lovenature]

I feel the same way much of the time Lonely Child, we just need to accept that we are going through the depression stage on the way to acceptance. I need to remind myself at times just how truly awful life was when I was motivated to do things but the perfectionism was severe; very hard to see when we are depressed but things are way more peaceful and better being alone than in a BPD relationship.

Real peace and happiness comes from the inside: if a person really doesn't like who they are then there is nothing and no one on the face of this earth that can change that.
Try to accept your thoughts and feelings, go one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time, it does get better with enough NC and education.