What facet of BPD has been the hardest to understand?

[whitedoe]

The fact that he suffers from a mental illness which causes him to act and react in ways which make a healthy relationship impossible.  The fact that I can intellectually understand all kinds of stuff about BPD and still never cease to be amazed by his actions and my own actions and acceptance of harmful, destructive behavior from someone who claims to love me.

I could've written these words myself, allwillbewell!   

WhiteDoe

[whitedoe]

Shocked: When it comes time to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk, BPDs can't hack it. They can't do the nuts and bolts of having a r/s--negotiating, talking things through, etc. If you try to do what sane people assume one does to make a r/s work, the BPD doesn't get it and that means that you can't possibly be "the one," because "the one" wouldn't ask such things--it would be honeymoon all the time or nothing.

When my ex wanted to break up, he said we weren't "compatible as a couple." All that meant was that he wanted to chase another woman because it was easier than trying to figure out how to have a r/s.   Diotima

I was told that "I wasn't the one" and that he "needed to date other women"? This completely out of nowhere? Huh? Yes, it is far easier for them to "start fresh" with a "new honeymoon", Diotima!

pwBPD/NPD have no ability to work together on a relationship... .

I know this painful reality only too well!  

WhiteDoe

[diotima]

Yes, and then they conveniently forget they ever said these things when they come back and get all romantic again--having no clue how much damage they have done in the process, until the damage is just too much to bear--and I could not go on with it anymore.

D

[roberto516]

Shocked: When it comes time to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk, BPDs can't hack it. They can't do the nuts and bolts of having a r/s--negotiating, talking things through, etc. If you try to do what sane people assume one does to make a r/s work, the BPD doesn't get it and that means that you can't possibly be "the one," because "the one" wouldn't ask such things--it would be honeymoon all the time or nothing.

When my ex wanted to break up, he said we weren't "compatible as a couple." All that meant was that he wanted to chase another woman because it was easier than trying to figure out how to have a r/s.  
<br/>:)iotima

I didnt know I was on this site almost 6 years ago. This is exactly my viewpoint and what she told me and what I knew the truth was by her saying this.

Now I know more about myself and stuff. But it's comforting to see that, to me, this is what it was from her side of the street (trust me I know I gotta keep my side of the street clean by learning about myself) and that someone else was literally battling with the same things that I was/am.

It doesn't take my role away so I can blame her. But theres a reality to this. How can, as the quote above says, anyone with a small inkling of self worth and insight not eventually give up? I know I did. I know early on I told her "I cant help bUT feel you think this will always be like a Disney romance" and "I feel like I can't be anything but funny and joyful around you 24/7"

[once removed]

not a criteria, but the concept of "feelings = facts" is difficult for me with regard to anyone. i frankly struggle to see much of anything in black and white, including my own values. if you ask me if im a "glass half full" or "glass half empty" person ill roll my eyes at you and tell you it depends on whether im drinking or pouring 

during the relationship, it was the jealousy, and how she could be so certain and smug about things she made up in her own mind. i cant think of a single time i ever handled it well, and just as well, id prefer not to.

[Idsrvt2]

The impulsivity of dumping me so coldly, usually via text or phone. Once he did this, so I went to see him and he said let him sleep on it as most likely he would
Change his mind sure enough he did and we were back together.

I'm confused though with how he took out a RO on me yet refused to leave his mail route, meaning I've had to see him for the last four months,,now the RO is lifted and I have to pretend he's a ghost ... .no closure, not even a hey wasn't that crazy last four months... nothing from him. And in court he wanted it all dropped as once again I guess his impulse got the RO he had his atty tell me he felt terrible for the break up and only did so as he suffers from low self esteem (I assume his new therapist had told him that)

He seemed to understand all I was going thru in my life, yet did one of the worst things possible to someone that meant him no harm
And to refuse to leave a route and let me heal is the most hurtful.
To him I don't exist

[SummerStorm]

Black and white thinking - I don't understand how I can be amazing and the best friend she's ever had one second and then be blocked on everything a day or two later. 

Lack of responsibility - No apologies, always playing the victim.  Of course, this is paired with an inability to understand how her actions affect others.

Rapidly changing emotions - As someone else mentioned, it's excruciating when they just block us and refuse to speak to us for days, weeks, or months.  And then, all of the sudden, they come back, like nothing happened, which leads me to my next point... .

Inability to maintain a mature, adult relationship - This applies to friends, lovers, family.  The only time she gets along with anyone is when it's just a surface relationship.  I'm almost 32, I've known her for three years, and I've seen her at her very worst.  Despite all of this, our conversations don't get any deeper than talking about TV shows and Pokémon.  And as was previously summarized so well by another user 6 years ago, they just can't do all of the "nuts and bolts" of a relationship.  I watch her with all of her boyfriends, and everything is sunshine and rainbows and Disney for the first few months, but when it starts to get serious, she can't handle it.  She can't handle when someone else talks about emotions or when someone wants to discuss something she said or did that was hurtful.  She gets defensive or blocks the person. 

Emotional immaturity - My BPD friend sobbed last summer when her boyfriend at the time bought her a makeup kit that she really wanted.  That's great that he bought her that, but it just reminded me of a child.  She once lived with a guy who didn't make her pay rent because she was looking for a job at the time.  She wasn't grateful to him.  In fact, she just kept borrowing money from him.  But if he bought her a milkshake on his way home from work, it was just the best thing ever. 

Fleeting moments of clarity - This is the worst one of all.  Back in 2011, someone else brought this up.  Two weeks ago, my BPD friend sent me 15 texts, about how she knows she hurt me and should spend every day apologizing, how she wants me to speak freely, how she wants us to better understand each other.  I waited until the next day to reply, and it was like the texts she sent the day before had never happened.  She was defensive and even said, "Then stop trying to be friends with me" when I spoke freely, like she told me I could.  By the next day, she was back to talking about Disney movies and sending me stupid pictures on Snapchat.  When I tried to talk about serious things again, she blocked me. 

[roberto516]

Inability to maintain a mature, adult relationship - This applies to friends, lovers, family.  The only time she gets along with anyone is when it's just a surface relationship.  I'm almost 32, I've known her for three years, and I've seen her at her very worst.  :)espite all of this, our conversations don't get any deeper than talking about TV shows and Pokémon.  And as was previously summarized so well by another user 6 years ago, they just can't do all of the "nuts and bolts" of a relationship.  I watch her with all of her boyfriends, and everything is sunshine and rainbows and Disney for the first few months, but when it starts to get serious, she can't handle it.  She can't handle when someone else talks about emotions or when someone wants to discuss something she said or did that was hurtful.  She gets defensive or blocks the person.  

This could be the most confusing for me as well. I remember just pleading with her when I voiced my concerns saying things like "If we talk about this we can learn from it and grow together." Literally begging for her to tell me what she was thinking and her emotions so I could try and understand her point of view and come to a compromise. I always told her "I feel you expect a relationship to be like Disney." She actually never told me she didn't.

[Harley Quinn]

Fleeting moments of clarity - This is the worst one of all.  Back in 2011, someone else brought this up.  Two weeks ago, my BPD friend sent me 15 texts, about how she knows she hurt me and should spend every day apologizing, how she wants me to speak freely, how she wants us to better understand each other.  I waited until the next day to reply, and it was like the texts she sent the day before had never happened.  She was defensive and even said, "Then stop trying to be friends with me" when I spoke freely, like she told me I could.  By the next day, she was back to talking about Disney movies and sending me stupid pictures on Snapchat.  When I tried to talk about serious things again, she blocked me.  

I must agree that this was the most difficult for me personally.  My exBPDbf even wrote me a long list of things he loved about me which he insisted I keep always and refer to when he would say hurtful things and act out, as he didn't mean these things and this was how he truly felt about me.  So many times he'd talk about how he knew what he was saying when he was saying it, and knew that it was wrong but couldn't stop himself.  We'd talk about his treatment and he was so committed and motivated, recognising where he'd pushed back with the last therapist.  He'd come up with strategies to help himself cope with the dysregulation and make lists of these which he'd keep to hand.  Unfortunately he'd fail to implement them very consistently.  He was violent towards the end of the r/s and one day came home looking white as a sheet.  Turns out he'd researched that day all about domestic abuse and had realised that this was what he was subjecting me to.  He said the emotional outbursts alone were unacceptable and abusive and he was ashamed and sorry.  Immediately asked me to help him to get help and phoned the helpline for abusive men that I provided him straight away, securing a referral to a perpetrator programme.  These moments of clarity were the things that kept me going as long as I did.  There was a very good and rational person who was hurting and trapped behind the rages and destruction.  Very sad.

Love and light x