I never saw it as abuse, I thought I was being strong

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read an interesting article over the weekend about how the founder of Nerdist has been erased from the company he invented and poured his life into --  because of abuse he had heaped on his partner.  They positioned it as another victory for the  #metoo movement

It had a link to the Domestic Abuse Hotline abuse rules.   I was blown away because most of these rules were broken by my former exBPDgf:  Interestingly, the rules are written so that the abuse victim is female.  Here are the rules my ex broke:

1.)  Using Intimidation (smashing things, destroying her property)
2.)  Using Emotional Abuse (putting her down, making her feel bad about her self, making her think she's crazy, making her feel guilty)
3.) Using Isolation (Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks too, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions).
4.)  Minimizing, denying and blaming (shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it).
5.)  Using Male Privelege: (acting like the "master of the castle"
6.)  Using Coercion and Threats:  (threatening to leave her)

I never saw it as abuse, though clearly it was.  I thought I was being strong and trying to give her what she wanted to help change her.

Two Ironies --

1)  Assume the dude was BPD -- was it fair for him to be erased like this from his own company and villainized and put in the same company as Harvey Weinstein for a personality disorder?
2)  Why is domestic abuse written from a female perspective?  If it happens to women they are abused, if it happens to men they are "P* whipped"?  Feels like a double standard.


www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2016/08/Screen-Shot-2016-08-11-at-10.38.04-AM.png

[Seenowayout]

I read an interesting article over the weekend about how the founder of Nerdist has been erased from the company he invented and poured his life into --  because of abuse he had heaped on his partner.  They positioned it as another victory for the  #metoo movement

It had a link to the Domestic Abuse Hotline abuse rules.   I was blown away because most of these rules were broken by my former exBPDgf:  Interestingly, the rules are written so that the abuse victim is female.  Here are the rules my ex broke:

1.)  Using Intimidation (smashing things, destroying her property)
2.)  Using Emotional Abuse (putting her down, making her feel bad about her self, making her think she's crazy, making her feel guilty)
3.) Using Isolation (Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks too, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions).
4.)  Minimizing, denying and blaming (shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it).
5.)  Using Male Privelege: (acting like the "master of the castle"
6.)  Using Coercion and Threats:  (threatening to leave her)

I never saw it as abuse, though clearly it was.  I thought I was being strong and trying to give her what she wanted to help change her.

Two Ironies --

1)  Assume the dude was BPD -- was it fair for him to be erased like this from his own company and villainized and put in the same company as Harvey Weinstein for a personality disorder?
2)  Why is domestic abuse written from a female perspective?  If it happens to women they are abused, if it happens to men they are "P* whipped"?  Feels like a double standard.


www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2016/08/Screen-Shot-2016-08-11-at-10.38.04-AM.png

[Insom]

Hi, Seenowayout!

Wow, it sounds like you experienced a breakthrough this weekend!  I hear that the feminine pronouns in the article made it less relatable to you, but don't let that stop you from absorbing the important new info it provided about your experience.

How did it feel to recognize your experience in the article?

[Seenowayout]

Hi Insom,

It was liberating.  I mean I'm so over it and was before reading the article.  But to see this behavior actually called out as abuse.  I never thought of it as abuse, I thought of it as me valiantly tolerating her craziness.

But some guy lost his company and his reputation because he did what she did to me ... . 

Also, I see the same patterns in my childhood ... .my dad "valiantly tolerating" my mom's similar craziness.

Liberating

But what about the gender role?  Is it fair to say society still see's women who act this way as "hormonal or hysterical" and in need of hugs, while men who act this way are "bullies" and not fit for modern civilized society?

I don't mean to start a gender war, but it just feels like a double standard sometimes.  Maybe that's just my own prejudice.  I'm sure there are plenty of women who would say "It's OK for men to act like bullies, but when women do they are nags".

[BeagleGirl]

Female opinion (that doesn’t necessarily represent that of all females)

I definitely see a double standard. I also think the me too movement has forgotten about the concept of innocent until proven guilty. And I also think that harrassing and abusive behavior is perpetrated by men at a rate disproportionate enough to explain (not justify) the double standard.

I heard a saying that sums up my estimate of the “majority experience” pretty well - “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”  I do think there is a fundamental imbalance in the threat faced by women at the hands of men vs the reverse. That doesn’t mean there aren’t men out there being abused by violent women. I can’t imagine the struggle they face with not only the abuse but the societal stigma to overcome.

I guess my hope is that we expand definitions and resources to include abuse perpetrated by women rather than changing them in ways that limit the help that can be offered to the female victims of abuse.
BG

[Seenowayout]

Thanks BG, that's a good way to summarize it.

What's interesting, is the emotional abuse vs physical abuse. 

I was never afraid of her physically, but she WAS killing me, slowly, I was killing myself, really gaslighted.

I feel weak admitting that, but there you have it.

I second your hope for definition expansion.

[Lucky Jim]

That doesn’t mean there aren’t men out there being abused by violent women. I can’t imagine the struggle they face with not only the abuse but the societal stigma to overcome.

Right, BG.  Men don't report abuse, even though it happens everyday, so it's under the radar. 

my hope is that we expand definitions and resources to include abuse perpetrated by women

I'll second that, too.

LJ