Last meeting with ex partner now NC

[hopefullyfreenow]

I went NC with my ex uBPD partner a few weeks ago. Always had a feeling he had another relationship but I chose to trust him rather than my gut instincts. After going NC for a few weeks I was feeling happier but something I found on social media (almost) confirmed my suspicions of his infidelity and triggered me and I quickly became an anxious mess all over again.

He found a way to get in touch with me and abused my empathy to get a meeting out of me, threatening to show up at my door for a conversation if I did not reply or give him closure. Our situation was on and off for about a year, we must have broken up and got back together at least 10 times.

I met him for a drink and gave him 10 minutes to explain himself, listened to the excuses of him being too busy to repair the damage of our breakup, he couldn't stop thinking about me, his life was miserable without me and how much cutting him off had affected him and his mental health so harshly. I then bluffed  that I knew about the other relationship, that I had found out through a mutual friend and that I knew they were living together. He confirmed my suspicions and turns out he's been with her for the same length of time as me. Maybe even longer. She doesn't know about me or that he isn't monogamous in their relationship. He told me he had never hurt someone he loved this much before, that he would have to live with being responsible for driving me away, the best thing he ever had in his life, that he was an awful person. Then his apologies changed to pleas of me staying in his life, if he finished with her would I take him back, did I still love him etc. Told me he was going to tell her everything but I'm doubtful. I feel so broken knowing I was sharing him and that he was probably making all the same declarations of love to her.

I know this is unacceptable behaviour, even from someone with mental health issues, but the betrayal coming from someone that I loved, that I still believe loves me, its causing me to break down. I confronted him about her months ago and he looked me in the eyes and lied to me, made me feel guilty for suggesting it. I was always made to feel guilty for his emotions and the lies. This reminds me of a previous relationship where I had to live through almost the exact same situation and is bringing forward all my previous trauma. I listened to him apologise for an hour, vented my frustration and hurt, then left asking him not to contact me ever again. He can no longer contact me on the platform but as he has recently moved to my city there is still a chance he could show up at my door or that I will see him on nights out or public transport.

I start CBT classes in a few weeks, however I'm sceptical if this will help as there is no talk therapy involved and I think having done my own research my anxiety is actually PTSD as i keep reliving the lies, the breakups, the trust betrayals and the previous times he (and my ex) has abandoned me. This has devastated me. How do I move on from this? How do I stop finding myself in relationships with people who are emotionally abusive when I am a good person and want to trust the people I love?

Love to the community and all the help you give x

[Mutt]

Hi hopefullyfreenow,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know that betrayal is something that is painful. Some people are hard on themselves with misplaced trust. I don’t hear that from you, you mentioned empathy, perhaps you’re a very kind hearted person that likes to give second chances? There are a lot of people here that are the caretaker type and unfortunately people with toxic behaviours exploit then if they have little or floating boundary.

You can’t control what someone else does you can only control yourself. If he does Y then I respond with X. My point is he’s probably going to get in touch with you and I think that anyone would get frustrated with that. Set the boundary and expect him to try to get in touch but if he gets touch then give him silence, keep doing that because if you pay attention to him it reopens the door, eventually he’ll get the picture that if he contacts you, you won’t respond and eventually he’ll.

You ask a good question about why you attract a certain kind of person and how do I change that? I mentioned boundaries earlier, in simple terms boundaries keep the good stuff in and bad stuff. Take inventory of the people in your life and pull the good ones closer and have boundaries on the ones that have toxic behaviours. If they disrespect you boundaries, just add more boundaries.

That being said maybe take inventory on the things that are not acceptable to you in r/s’s today and what characteristics you are looking for i.e reciprocal r/s,  domine that concentrated on you, etc... .I posted this in another thread tonight and I’ll share with you here. It has both unhealthy / healthy features in r/s’s.

Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopefullyfree, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, which sounds quite painful.

How do I move on from this? How do I stop finding myself in relationships with people who are emotionally abusive when I am a good person and want to trust the people I love?

The place to start, I suggest, is by learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  It sounds simple, but is actually pretty challenging, because most of us Nons have trouble with self-esteem and self-acceptance.  It involves changing one's r/s with oneself, if that makes sense.  The goal is to get to a point where you can honestly say that you love yourself too much to ever allow yourself to get in another abusive r/s.  That's my credo!

LuckyJim