Split Black once and for all?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, as someone who attained the object of my addiction (not to diminish him by calling him an "object" but really addiction does turn people into "objects", it's possible that your "object" might look entirely different to you with some time. Perhaps even if you win her, you might be still be posting about how difficult and frustrating she is, but now you're inextricably entwined with someone whose behavior has even gotten worse because you're now seeing her totality and she knows you know about her shame and self loathing.

Yes, I was fully addicted too. And yes, the intermittent reinforcement is powerful. As is the idealization--both in the behavior they show to us and how we also put them on a pedestal. When I looked at his good qualities, no one else compared. Of course, his good qualities are not separate from the full package, but that's not the basis I was using for my comparisons.

Bottom line, the person we seek out is mentally ill. And through chasing them, we become ill too.

[Cat Familiar]

Well, as someone who attained the object of my addiction (not to diminish him by calling him an "object" but really addiction does turn people into "objects", it's possible that your "object" might look entirely different to you with some time. Perhaps even if you win her, you might be still be posting about how difficult and frustrating she is, but now you're inextricably entwined with someone whose behavior has even gotten worse because you're now seeing her totality and she knows you know about her shame and self loathing.

Yes, I was fully addicted too. And yes, the intermittent reinforcement is powerful. As is the idealization--both in the behavior they show to us and how we also put them on a pedestal. When I looked at his good qualities, no one else compared. Of course, his good qualities are not separate from the full package, but that's not the basis I was using for my comparisons.

Bottom line, the person we seek out is mentally ill. And through chasing them, we become ill too.

[Oncebitten]

Has my chasing her and talking about a future pushed her away?

Did I just apply to much pressure to her and the relationship?

Will she come back?  we arent currently talking again, and once again she has said it is over? 

IDK what to do, part of me wants to say enough is enough and walk while the other part says you love her go after her.

[patientandclear]

 After all this evidence, I think we can say she has a very strong resistance to closing the gap and being in a truly close sustained r/ship with you (likely with anyone). You can get so far, but then she comes up with reasons to keep you away.

You can “go after her” if you want to keep doing this. It seems to have a built in limit or ceiling, but you can continue this pattern of approaching that ceiling indefinitely.

As someone who asked myself questions like the one you are asking for a very long time, I am going to suggest that you consider that the questions and the continuous self-doubt and self-scrutiny about whether there’s something you did wrong or something you should be doing to get a different outcome, is a way of avoiding grief. Grief is hard and unpleasant, but it is the way out.

[Lost-love-mind]

After all this evidence, I think we can say she has a very strong resistance to closing the gap and being in a truly close sustained r/ship with you (likely with anyone). You can get so far, but then she comes up with reasons to keep you away.

You can “go after her” if you want to keep doing this. It seems to have a built in limit or ceiling, but you can continue this pattern of approaching that ceiling indefinitely.

As someone who asked myself questions like the one you are asking for a very long time, I am going to suggest that you consider that the questions and the continuous self-doubt and self-scrutiny about whether there’s something you did wrong or something you should be doing to get a different outcome, is a way of avoiding grief. Grief is hard and unpleasant, but it is the way out.

Yes. Getting stuck with the guilt of what may have been my fault. Afterwards,  trying to get attention. Cyber stalking AGAIN.
Grief = thought I had lived through it. No. I fooled myself.
 I keep screaming in my head. Why did this happen?
It is time to move on... .

[MaroonLiquid]

After all this evidence, I think we can say she has a very strong resistance to closing the gap and being in a truly close sustained r/ship with you (likely with anyone). You can get so far, but then she comes up with reasons to keep you away.

You can “go after her” if you want to keep doing this. It seems to have a built in limit or ceiling, but you can continue this pattern of approaching that ceiling indefinitely.

As someone who asked myself questions like the one you are asking for a very long time, I am going to suggest that you consider that the questions and the continuous self-doubt and self-scrutiny about whether there’s something you did wrong or something you should be doing to get a different outcome, is a way of avoiding grief. Grief is hard and unpleasant, but it is the way out.

I concur with this as well.  Same thing I’m dealing with in my r/s and for a long time I didn’t want to have to deal with either the reality or the pain of grief.  I too am dealing with hitting a “ceiling” (over and over again) in how close my uBPDexW will allow me to get.  It’s either ok for you or it’s not.  For me, it isn’t anymore. 

[Oncebitten]

I guess that its over... .she is never going to let me get closer than we are now.

she keeps saying lets be friends... .maybe if you quit pushing then it will work itself out but she always wants it open ended... .never an end date.

[MaroonLiquid]

I guess that its over... .she is never going to let me get closer than we are now.

she keeps saying lets be friends... .maybe if you quit pushing then it will work itself out but she always wants it open ended... .never an end date.

I believe that if you continue to allow her to lead the r/s, then that is what you'll get.  By you being strong and showing what you will and won’t allow is about you.  She will either follow and live by your boundaries or not. 

[Oncebitten]

It's been a couple weeks since my last post.  Nothing ever got any better.  I stopped pushing but she never changed, told me she was drifting further away.  I told her I didnt like that and that I wanted to figure out how to fix our problems.  She blew me off as always, then got angry and brought up all the old wounds says she cant get past them and never will.  I told her then we didn't need to be anything.   can't be her friend, not now.  Its painful, to talk everyday like we always have but to have her tell me to "just stop it" if I slip and say I love you.  And yet if she has a weak moment and asks she expects me to say of course I still love you.  So its time.  Time to step away and heal, she told me to go so I am.  I guess if we are to ever have anything its on her now.  I just can't try any longer.