Her latest tantrum

[Dragon72]

The tale of the king-size bed

As I have often mentioned, my wife has, except for a couple of short stints, slept in our son's bed since he was born 4 years ago.  At the end of each of those short stints, she has complained about the mattress in "my" bed and urged me to get a new one.  Initially I said we couldn't afford it and she suggested we could get it on monthly payments, but I still resisted because we just can't afford an extra $X going out of the account every month. We struggle to make ends meet as it is.  However I agreed with the idea of a new mattress as I wanted her to have one less excuse for her and me not sharing a bed and sleeping with our son.

So this weekend was Black Friday and I figured I could pay for a new bed on my credit card and then use my Xmas bonus to pay off the cc balance next month.  My wife was happy with that.  So we went to the bed shop and asked about prices.  She asked initially for prices for a queen size. I said I'd like to get a King size because I prefer a little more space when I sleep and don't want to be so squashed up.  And for once I pushed for it, while normally what she says goes in these situations.  And so we bought the King which will be delivered tomorrow.  She seemed happy.

This morning I dismantled the old bed to make space for the new one and as I was doing so, I said to her that I would reassemble our son's bed (in which she has been sleeping too) which at the moment is just a mattress on the floor.  It has been like that since he was small because she has been afraid that he might fall out of the bed.  I said that he's 4 now and he'll be fine sleeping in a bed that's raised off the ground.  She didn't like that idea.

That's when she exploded.  "Your just a macho dictator saying how our lives have to be and I don't get a say, is that it?"

I think that was a trigger for me too. "Yes I'm the macho dictator who is daily following your orders and also doing things for you without being ordered. The macho dictator who mops all the floors every weekend, who cooks and cleans for you to lighten your load, the macho dictator who hangs up and takes down the laundry, the macho dictator who irons clothes for the whole family when you do everybody else's except mine, the macho dictator who bathes and feeds and reads bedtime stories to our son while you're at the hairdresser."

She then goes on the attack.  "You said that the master bedroom was "your" bedroom like I don't count". 

"Well you haven't slept there for the last 4 years, so naturally I've started thinking of it as mine. I'm buying the bed because I want us to be closer. I want our son in his bed and you in our bed. I want you to spend time with me in the afternoons and evenings too.  Whenever I'm at home, you busy yourself with housework, or you go and pray in your room or go to sleep early.  I want us to be closer. I feel like you avoid me."

"That's only your interpretation of it. And besides I tried coming down to watch TV with you and you wanted to watch something different".  (She has come downstairs maybe 4 times in the last couple of years, and we have watched what she wanted to watch)

"So let's chat instead of watching TV. Let's be friends.  I want us to be close and for us to want to be together"

"How can we do that with the way you treat me?  The worse you treat me, the more distant I become."

"How have I treated you badly?" 

Then she dodged the question and it all became circular with her mentioning that it was obvious that I didn't want to be with her because I told the man in the store I wanted a king size not a queen because I didn't want physical contact with her.  I repeated that I am buying the bed precisely because I want to be more close to her.

I wasn't going to carry on the conversation because it wasn't going anywhere.  I told her I would discuss it later.  Then she got all 4-year old on me and gave me the "I'm not talking to you" treatment.

So I left.

I think I hit the sweetspot that triggered not only her abandonment fears but also her fear of intimacy.  I am getting ever closer to making a date with a lawyer.

[Dragon72]

Today I stuck up for myself and I answered back and I got things off my chest about how much I put up with and how little she makes herself emotionally available in the marriage.

I was probably very invalidating to her.  But you know what, I'm through with caring too much about her emotions and appeasing the monster and burying my own emotions.

So I'm glad I said to her what I did, even though it was probably not helpful to our relationship.  But anyway, I'm realizing only now that our relationship ended very soon after it became a committed one years ago. I just didn't see all the many red flags.

[Turkish]

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