How to Respect Their Wishes When We Don't Agree

[5xFive]

UBPDh has been dysregulating pretty often. I’ve been really working on validating and not jadeing. Along with NOT texting him when he’s at work (his request) even if he texts me 50 times in a row (so far this morning) and either won’t answer the phone or hangs up on me when I call... .
Well, he left for work this morning, and then stopped back home with a gift for S6 who is turning 7 tomorrow. 2 hermit crabs in a gross and dirty habitat that his friend was throwing away. So I googled how to care for hermit crabs and while it’s not a crazy amount of stuff, they do need to have clean and sterile everything and the right salinization for their water. S6 was so excited. He said it’s the best birthday he’s ever had in his whole life since he got his very own pets!
So on to the issue. I called h to let him know that I was going to take S6 to the pet store today (I try to discuss all purchases even though I am in charge of the budget- he works really hard!). H says he doesn’t want to spend any money and just throw the crabs away. Then he texts me to take S6 to the creek nearby (more like a river but it’s called a creek) and release them. So, I’m working really hard at respecting all of h’s wishes- he maintains disrespect from me is why he rages out- but I don’t think this is right! You can’t give a kid a pet and then tell them they have to let it go... .can you? So again, bc h was completely impulsive, he wants me to clean up after him. I don’t want to hurt my son. Any advice?

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[Tattered Heart]

Awww... .your poor daughter.

Can you stall his decision to make her get rid of them so that his mood passes? When he gets home could your daughter tell him this is the best present she has ever had and let him know she wants to keep them?

Stop cleaning up after him. Let him handle the hard and dirty work. If he wants to dump them in the creek, let him do it. Validate his concerns about having to spend extra money on them and then let him know that you won't be the one to get rid of them.

[hope2727]

Every time we clean up their messes we enable them. This encourages them to repeat the behaviour. Also it teaches this pattern of behaviour to others in the situation like your son. He will either learn to be the enabler or the enabled if he sees that as normal and acceptable.

It is totally cruel to give and then take away a pet. You are absolutely right about that.

Also it is teaching irresponsibility to "dump" the crabs (which is illegal btw). When we choose to take in a live creature (and I realize you didn't choose this it was dumped in your lap) we become responsible for that creature's safety and well being. Would this be different if it were two puppies, or two ponies? The crabs will not survive in the creek. It is illegal to dump foreign species in local environments as introduced species can cause havoc in ecosystem. Hermit crabs are intelligent, fascinating creatures that can live up to 20 years the wild. They can have distinct personalities and be very interesting. They are relatively easy to keep and have amazing behaviours and habits. I have a friend with a couple who are totally fascinating. Her kids have had them for years. I've baby sat them over holidays. They shouldn't cost to much to keep and are pretty clean. Be grateful it wasn't a turtle! They can live 100 years! This is an amazing opportunity to teach your son empathy and responsibility. By caring for another he can learn so much that will help him in life. Even when they finally die pets teach us how to grieve.

Think of this is an opportunity for you and your son to bond over something that he really enjoys and can learn so much from.  

You've totally got this. Make it a success that you look back on fondly. If you want to get them a bigger enclosure try 2nd hand, lots of old aquariums out there looking for new homes. You can get playground sand and coconut fiber from a good horticultural supply place, green house or hardware  store for about $10 total in huge amounts. I buy them in 50 pound bags for my garden and my friend just takes a scoop or two for fresh crab bedding every spring. Wash the sand just in case. A bottle of water purifier is about $5 at your local pet store. You can pick up crab food there too but my friend supplements with kitchen scraps. They are scavengers in the wild after all. Then you just need a warm spot and some little shallow dishes or saucers from the thrift store and a small log or two for climbing and hanging out on. That might be something you and your son can collect up over time together. A few extra shells is helpful too so your son's new pals can be more interactive. You've totally got this. I attached a good website for resources that my friend suggested. I am sure there are many others you have already found. There may be a fanciers group in your area for them too. I think you can turn this around and make it a huge success!

[hope2727]

https://www.hermit-crabs.com/care.html

Sorry I forgot to include the link.

[5xFive]

Thank you both so much and Hope2727, thank you for the info! I was feeling a little lost. Sometimes I find myself questioning whether I’m right or h is right and I just don’t know anything (like whether this is fair or I’d be enabling etc). I definitely need extra input. I haven’t done anything and I while I knew it wasn’t a good idea to take them to the creek, I didn’t know it would kill them! Our son is so excited, he keeps going to check on them, . I couldn’t hurt him like that.
So, h recently sent me a text asking how our son was enjoying his hermits. It makes me feel like I’m crazy! Ugh.
The tank definitely needs to be cleaned. The previous openers did NOT take care of the poor things. They said they were fed this morning so I’m not going to stress it but I’m definitely going to talk to h again about getting what we need!

[Tattered Heart]

Ahhh! I see what happened. He gave the present and thought he did a good job. When you said you needed to get supplies to clean the tank he felt rejected and that his gift wasn't good enough. He reacts and says to just get rid of them.

Sounds like he has mellowed a little, knows that he may have been irrational in wanting to get rid of them and is again looking for validation that the present was a good present.

If what you need for the crabs isn't too expensive, can you just go buy it? Don't make a big deal out of the dirtiness of the tank. Maybe even play up how the crabs are lucky to have you as their owners now because you guys will take better care of them.  WHen he comes home let him find a clean tank, a happy crab, happy daughter, happy 5Xfive.  

Does that make sense?

[Frankee]

Ahhh! I see what happened. He gave the present and thought he did a good job. When you said you needed to get supplies to clean the tank he felt rejected and that his gift wasn't good enough. He reacts and says to just get rid of them.

Sounds like he has mellowed a little, knows that he may have been irrational in wanting to get rid of them and is again looking for validation that the present was a good present.

WHen he comes home let him find a clean tank, a happy crab, happy daughter, happy 5Xfive.

Does that make sense?

Ha!  Wow that sound very familiar.  The initial hurt/rejection/attitude.  I have seen that too many times.  I have tried to be careful on my responses when presented with a gift my H put thought into.  Kind of like a child.  I once saw a quote that kind of went like... when a child gives you a rock, that may mean the world to them because that is all they have. (I think of this when my toddler gives me something he finds and he has such a huge grin about giving me something).  Now while I'm not saying treat your H like a child giving you a present, they do look for the same appreciation/validation.  My H will do this thing where he gives me something and acts like its not a big deal.  I think he does that to protect himself from being hurt if I don't like what he brought me, but I know he's trying to hide the fact he's happy to be able to give me something he may think I like.  

I agree though, if your H comes home and sees what Tatterted Heart said, I think he will realize he was overreacting and it was a good gift.  Just needed a little freshening up from previous careless owners.

[hope2727]

Sounds like your child and crabs are on their way to a happy future. I think sometimes we just have to do what needs to be done and set the better example no matter what our pwBPD is doing. I am glad you are feeling a little better. Like I said there are lots of larger aquariums available used for very little. Many communities have free give away pages on kijiji or Facebook. My girlfriend found one for a salamander her son found that way. Buying sand and cocoa fibres from a hardware store or greenhouse is way cheaper than the pet store. Hermits eat crab food but can be supplemented with table scraps (I'd do a little research on what kinds are good for them). Water treatment solution is cheap and lasts for a long time. Driftwood or coconut ½ shells make great hiding places. Your son will have a blast re-arranging the "furniture" for his crabs and watching them play and comb and hide. The website link had some great ideas on how to introduce crabs and kids. I think learning about them together will be a great experience for your son. I can't wait to hear how it goes. 

[BasementDweller]

I'm happy to see this is resolving, and I agree with everything Hope said. Hermit crabs are really cool, and I think I'd just as soon dump my pwBPD in the creek before I'd do that to a live animal.   

I agree that there are ways to get cheap materials for the tank, and I'd just go do it myself without saying much about it to him. If you can't acquire a new tank right now, just clean up and fix up the old one the best you can. Maybe don't mention that part either, but do tell your partner later how happy you and your son are that he brought the hermit crabs home, and that thanks to him, they will have a much happier existence.

[5xFive]

Hello all. I took s7 to the pet shop today for his birthday. We didn’t spend a lot but we got everything you suggested Hope2727. We cleaned out the tank and added fresh sand, coconut fiber, new dishes fresh water and food, a little house they can tunnel in that says “The Crab Shack” on it (I love this), a heater, and a humidity monitor, and some stuff to climb. They hadn’t moved much since we got them but the moment we put them back into their new crabitat, they came to life! They ate, they drank, they dug in the fiber. My son was so excited.
Thank you for your advice. So much.

[hope2727]

I am so very glad to hear this. I would love to hear crab updates. I was reading (no OCD here ) that terracotta plant pots make good climbing structures and hideouts. They also mentioned branches as long as they aren't resinous as in give off sticky sap. It especially recommended drift wood as that is smooth and clean from being in the ocean for so long. I am curious as to what is the best food for the little guys. I know my friend gave hers table scraps but I am not sure if it was meat or veggies or what. As for the rest it sounds like you have it under control. I was reading that a terracotta plant pot saucer is good for keeping humidity up or a shallow dish with a natural sea sponge. Both absorb the water and then act as a wick to evaporate it. I know my mini orchids love their terracotta pots for the reason. I am kind of excited about these crabs. I have been thinking of them all day.

It would be fun to research them with your son and learn all about them together. I am currently researching glaciers with my step son. He is a reluctant reader and I am tutoring him so absolutely anything he shows an interest in we google and learn everything we can about ... .by reading! What do you know. Reading can be fun.  

Like I was saying maybe hit up your local flea markets, charity shops, kijiji or Facebook buy and sell pages to find a bigger aquarium. A glass shop can cut you a shatter proof top for it for a few dollars to help keep the humidity in. Garden centres will have terracotta for very little money (I bought some for less than $5 last spring). You must have a second hand shop or thrift store around... .You and your son can frequent it for fun little saucers that he can change out when he wants to rearrange their home. He can also watch for flat little rocks to place in the bottom of the water dishes to help any smaller crabs climb in and out for a bath. I used to just run my canaries dishes through the dishwasher to disinfect them every week or so. The chlorine in the dish soap and heat of the water kills the germs. I kept a few extras so that I could have one clean all the time to switch things out.

Think of all the amazing things you are going to learn and do together. This is such lovely adventure that has been dropped in your lap. Your son will learn responsibility, empathy, animal husbandry, about the hermit crabs natural environment and so much more. Most of all it will be such fun.

Please keep me posted. I am dying to hear crab updates.

Merry Christmas. I hope you don't experience any crabbiness through the holidays.    

[hope2727]

Oh and maybe santa will bring him a couple of extra shells for the tank so his crabs can switch things up. My friend told me that hers change shells all the time and her kids get a total sickout of seeing who is "wearing" what shell today.

[BasementDweller]

5XFive - I'm really happy to hear this. It sounds like the hermit crab situation is working out, and they have a great new home! I look forward to hearing more about how things progress as well. Happy, Crabby Holidays to you and yours!   

[Frankee]

Glad to hear that things are working out great and just in time for the holidays!
     

[5xFive]

Hope2727
Wanted to give you an update. I was able to buy a 10gal glass tank for the Hermies. When I added their new substrate to the critter keeper, they both buried down and I haven’t seen one of them since. I was struggling to keep the temp and humidity right, so I knew I needed glass.  The other came up today, just before I moved them. I moved the buried one super carefully to the new tank and covered him with a mug. I added new playsand and coconut fiber. Lots of toys, fresh water and salt water. The little one is still on the surface, and in the 3 hrs since I moved them, she (I think it’s a she) has already changed her shell! That was really cool to watch. I don’t know how the buried one is doing. He was so far into his shell and I didn’t want to bother him too much. I assume he’s still alive but I don’t actually know for sure. I’ll let you know if he surfaces!
I am really enjoying these crabs. More than anyone else in my family. Who knew I loved hermit crabs? Lol

[hope2727]

Oh I am so glad you wrote. I was thinking of you yesterday. I was so curious about what happened to the crabs. I had the urge to get some after reading about them.  I was thinking about putting an as on kijij to see if anyone had any they wanted to get rid of so I could build a colony. Apparently they are way more fun in large groups. Although I read you should wash them off before introducing them to one another for a whole bunch of reasons including so that they don't smell one another and think FOOD and eat one another. Yikes!

As for humidity. I raised cage birds for a long time and used live plants in their aviary to help keep humidity up. I liked ficus for the job but anything nontoxic would work. I put them in large terracotta pots with terracotta saucers and kept them well watered. The terracotta wicks the water off of the soil and into the air. The plants themselves took up a lot of the moisture and released it back into the air. I currently use terracotta pebble trays to keep my orchids humid. I also use a little tiny table top water fountain with a tiny pump to raise humidity. All of these things should be available second hand cheaply. I was reading that a natural sea sponge on a saucer will work too. It slowly releases the moisture from the saucer to the air.

Sorry I have a few OCD traits so I like to know how things work and how to fix things.  It drives my friends nuts.  

Why did you put a mug over the little hiding guy? It that to protect him or keep him warm? How do you sex the little guys/gals? Is your sone enjoying them too? Are you learning about them together? Has he named them?

How is hubby reacting to the project now? Is he feeling any better about the whole thing? Is he less crabby? Sorry bad pun.

Ok well I'm super glad to hear the update. Hugs  

[5xFive]

I think I would LOVE a group of them. But then I need a bigger tank. Lol.  
Great idea about the plants! I’ll look into that.
I put a mug over him bc he was buried to the bottom of the substrate in the first tank and I moved him to the top of the substrate in the new one. IF he’s molting, it’ll protect him. And he can dig out under it really easily I hope if he’s not. (Read this online. Idk if it was the right thing to do but it made sense.)
When we got them, the previous owners told us what they were. No idea if this is true or not. My son likes them. Thinks they’re cool but I think he’s not as awed by them as I am. Lol.
He did name them. Jeffrey and Petunia. And I’m teaching him everything I’ve read.
H saw me adding the sand and coco fiber to the new tank and s7 wanted to stay up late and help me add it so he told his dad that he thinks I need help. They came over and took over the project, which was fine by me. So a little bit involved but I think h forgets about them. He asked me to move them into another room bc they were making weird noises, . So I put them in my office where I check on them a million times a day. I seem to have figured out the humidity and temp for now. The glass tank makes a huge difference. Petunia has been all over the place since I relocated them and the new shell shell she took glows under the black light so I’m enjoying watching her roam her increased living space.

[hope2727]

SO COOL! 

Keep your eyes peeled for a bigger tank being given away. I gave a HUGE one away when I sold my farm and moved to the city. I just couldn't take everything so I just let it go. I am sure there are tons of them out there.

I bet there are also lots of little hermit crabs out there being ignored that would love to join crabville. 

The mug makes sense. Well done on the research.

Thanks for the update. hugs.   

[5xFive]

Jeffrey came up! Out from under the mug. I saw him in the water bowl last night around 10. I was so excited. Then he dug himself down again and I haven’t seen him. But Yay! He’s ok! I was slightly worried.
Petunia changed her shell 4 more times before falling asleep under “The Crab Shack”. She changed into a glow in the dark one and then back to her old one and then into a different one and back to her old one and the glow in the dark and finally the original one again. Lol. Her two little shells that she likes are sitting in a divot waiting for her to try again.
I guess they really like their new tank. I gave them some calcium sand in an oyster and I saw Petunia eating it. And they also have crab food and I have them some unsalted peas and part of a kiwi last night. I feel much more comfortable with this new tank. I won’t worry so much if I don’t see Jeffrey for a while.
Thanks Hope for all of your advice at the beginning. I was so lost and I feel way more confident now.

[hope2727]

I am so excited that they are ok. I am also impressed at how you turned a difficult BPD situation around. You reached out for support. Did your own research. Decided what did and did not require a response to your pwBPD. Then you found available resources, came up with creative solutions and took action. Great job.