Looking for answers on her behaviour.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So yes mine started out seeing a women in her mid 30s who had a long term boyfriend (yes I know what I did was bad as well) however we started out drunk one night after knowing each other for a little while. She had just lost a baby early on in the pregnancy and used that as to why we started up. She was a great manipulatator for ages telling me she was confused and loved me and didn't know if she will leave her boyfriend. This went on for a while. When I had almost given up she then said she is thinking of leaving him and they have had a fight and now sorting out what to do. She said she was seeing a therapist tho I think this was a lie as it lasted one session and she didn't want to talk about it? This turned quickly over the week or 2 and in the end she decided to stay with him again.
We decided that was it but as soon as she saw me she would txt saying how hard it is ect and boom I was sucked in again. Over time and me going away on holidays we decided to call it quits and I ignored her for almost a month. Soon as I got home though we started up again!
 
Throughout this time she did pull away and then con me back in when she felt fit. Was all on her terms, the whole relationship really.

The last 6 months were more intense and what I felt was more feelings for each other, we went on couple of trips ect, meanwhile she was still trying to have her first baby with her boyfriend!
Once she found out she probably couldn't, she told me ivf was happening and that we could still go on until then. I knew I was an idiot doing all this by I loved her and she always say she loved me or was love of her life (bs)
She would call me couple times a day, we txted all the time lovey and sex ___. Sex was awesome and prob what sucked me in and kept me around with all the bad that came with it.

Anytime I had or got close to another girl she was way to jealous or would txt me consistently until she knew that girl had left or I was home. Would make sure she would get in my head so I wasn't interested in anyone else, if I brought this up in argument tho she would then say yr free to do what u want but then fight me again later. Through oit whole time it was clear she was a liar even with small things, manipulative, self absorbed and justified anything she did. She thought people at work were jealous of her if they were knocking her.

Anyway fast forward to the last couple of months where she is still feeding me the I dunno the future crap. After a trip away together,  about 4 days later she had to start work trips with other people for while. It was when she returned from the first one I started to notice a change. Going forward I suspected she was seeing yet another guy! Acting weird, telling me she needs to pull back a bit and focus on her relationship and ivf pending ect. Didjt want to call at nights anymore and this was a girl that would do it every single time she could. As these trips went on there were more and more signs of her seeing this guy on diff level, the week before her first full week away she said next Friday my boyfriend is meeting me and we are going away for night after I finish work... I later found out the boyfriend never met her but she did go away! Clearly with the work colleague. I also heard things from other work ppl and then going forward the last time I slept with her I saw a mark on her body and when I asked she said it was me but when I said I didn't do that she said it was her boyfriend... I was suspicious as he's never done it before, turns out was the 3rd guy she was banging same time.

Going forward it got nasty as I confronted her more and more and she blamed me for everything! Way her relationship  may gone sh*t and that prob can't have kids with him and said I was crazy and paranoid and bit stalkish. She claimed this new guy going through marriage breakdown and she was supporting him so yes he's married with kids. I did say I was going to out her to her bf at the time about me and her so she took this as massive threat even though she was doing all this behind my back as well and making me this her relationship was improving when she had actually already dumped him. Anyway her blaming me was last time heard from her but later found out though talking to someone close to her that she had broken up with her boyfriend almost 2 weeks prior to her last contact with me and also means the boyfriend couldn't done mark on her body so for last couple months all my suspicions were correct! Not only did she have a year and half affair with me, she then cheated again and overlapped us all! Even I feel so sh*t and betrayed and more so that I was correct but she had guts to blame me for everything and say I was crazy while she knew what she was actually doing everything i said and was completely lying to me entire time and that's why she wanted to back off while ago becuase it meant I wouldn't know her movements. She made up massive lies about where she was at times, who with, lied about flight times and even things that didn't need to be a lie. She to this day never admitted a thing, just got ___s, said I was now harassing her and she could call cops? This was a guy that 2 weeks prior still said I love u.

What kind of piece of crap cheats twice on a guy she claims to love for so long but cheats again on someone else as well she claims to be in love with! Besides small silly fights we were still in peak and getting along great and consistent sex. The complete massive stories of lies she told me along the way and made me feel like I was just paranoid or crazy. This guy is like 12-13 years older then me and pretty ugly too I don't get it. Her personality went weird and last time I saw her it was like talking to someone I didn't know. she became so nasty and manipulated everything but biggest disgust was she slept with all 3 and probably not using protection with any of us! That's if it was only him in that time. I feel guilty for what I did now as I feel karma got me back. She moved on like me and her bf were nothing, cut off and blocked me and I was blamed for it all. She is a compulsive lair, manipulative, self absorbed and competitive, moody and most of all never takes blame for anything!

 I ignored alot of this being sucked in but now that I saw her true side once she moved on to another it's become clear. She use tell me I'd never do this again bla bla, she has moody side to which can be up and down quickly.

Thing I am confused most about is now all of a sudden she has decided to leave her bf for this one. Maybe it's becuase she thought I might out her to her ex bf im not sure as she never told him truth to why she's leaving. She is now with new guy fully now and telling people when only very short while but some ppl know what she did. Though I know I did wrong, it still destoryed me more then any other rel, I felt addicted to her and was always good to her. Looking for answers on her behaviour but closest thing I can find is BPD or a narc.

[Gunit1]

So yes mine started out seeing a women in her mid 30s who had a long term boyfriend (yes I know what I did was bad as well) however we started out drunk one night after knowing each other for a little while. She had just lost a baby early on in the pregnancy and used that as to why we started up. She was a great manipulatator for ages telling me she was confused and loved me and didn't know if she will leave her boyfriend. This went on for a while. When I had almost given up she then said she is thinking of leaving him and they have had a fight and now sorting out what to do. She said she was seeing a therapist tho I think this was a lie as it lasted one session and she didn't want to talk about it? This turned quickly over the week or 2 and in the end she decided to stay with him again.
We decided that was it but as soon as she saw me she would txt saying how hard it is ect and boom I was sucked in again. Over time and me going away on holidays we decided to call it quits and I ignored her for almost a month. Soon as I got home though we started up again!
 
Throughout this time she did pull away and then con me back in when she felt fit. Was all on her terms, the whole relationship really.

The last 6 months were more intense and what I felt was more feelings for each other, we went on couple of trips ect, meanwhile she was still trying to have her first baby with her boyfriend!
Once she found out she probably couldn't, she told me ivf was happening and that we could still go on until then. I knew I was an idiot doing all this by I loved her and she always say she loved me or was love of her life (bs)
She would call me couple times a day, we txted all the time lovey and sex ___. Sex was awesome and prob what sucked me in and kept me around with all the bad that came with it.

Anytime I had or got close to another girl she was way to jealous or would txt me consistently until she knew that girl had left or I was home. Would make sure she would get in my head so I wasn't interested in anyone else, if I brought this up in argument tho she would then say yr free to do what u want but then fight me again later. Through oit whole time it was clear she was a liar even with small things, manipulative, self absorbed and justified anything she did. She thought people at work were jealous of her if they were knocking her.

Anyway fast forward to the last couple of months where she is still feeding me the I dunno the future crap. After a trip away together,  about 4 days later she had to start work trips with other people for while. It was when she returned from the first one I started to notice a change. Going forward I suspected she was seeing yet another guy! Acting weird, telling me she needs to pull back a bit and focus on her relationship and ivf pending ect. Didjt want to call at nights anymore and this was a girl that would do it every single time she could. As these trips went on there were more and more signs of her seeing this guy on diff level, the week before her first full week away she said next Friday my boyfriend is meeting me and we are going away for night after I finish work... I later found out the boyfriend never met her but she did go away! Clearly with the work colleague. I also heard things from other work ppl and then going forward the last time I slept with her I saw a mark on her body and when I asked she said it was me but when I said I didn't do that she said it was her boyfriend... I was suspicious as he's never done it before, turns out was the 3rd guy she was banging same time.

Going forward it got nasty as I confronted her more and more and she blamed me for everything! Way her relationship  may gone sh*t and that prob can't have kids with him and said I was crazy and paranoid and bit stalkish. She claimed this new guy going through marriage breakdown and she was supporting him so yes he's married with kids. I did say I was going to out her to her bf at the time about me and her so she took this as massive threat even though she was doing all this behind my back as well and making me this her relationship was improving when she had actually already dumped him. Anyway her blaming me was last time heard from her but later found out though talking to someone close to her that she had broken up with her boyfriend almost 2 weeks prior to her last contact with me and also means the boyfriend couldn't done mark on her body so for last couple months all my suspicions were correct! Not only did she have a year and half affair with me, she then cheated again and overlapped us all! Even I feel so sh*t and betrayed and more so that I was correct but she had guts to blame me for everything and say I was crazy while she knew what she was actually doing everything i said and was completely lying to me entire time and that's why she wanted to back off while ago becuase it meant I wouldn't know her movements. She made up massive lies about where she was at times, who with, lied about flight times and even things that didn't need to be a lie. She to this day never admitted a thing, just got ___s, said I was now harassing her and she could call cops? This was a guy that 2 weeks prior still said I love u.

What kind of piece of crap cheats twice on a guy she claims to love for so long but cheats again on someone else as well she claims to be in love with! Besides small silly fights we were still in peak and getting along great and consistent sex. The complete massive stories of lies she told me along the way and made me feel like I was just paranoid or crazy. This guy is like 12-13 years older then me and pretty ugly too I don't get it. Her personality went weird and last time I saw her it was like talking to someone I didn't know. she became so nasty and manipulated everything but biggest disgust was she slept with all 3 and probably not using protection with any of us! That's if it was only him in that time. I feel guilty for what I did now as I feel karma got me back. She moved on like me and her bf were nothing, cut off and blocked me and I was blamed for it all. She is a compulsive lair, manipulative, self absorbed and competitive, moody and most of all never takes blame for anything!

 I ignored alot of this being sucked in but now that I saw her true side once she moved on to another it's become clear. She use tell me I'd never do this again bla bla, she has moody side to which can be up and down quickly.

Thing I am confused most about is now all of a sudden she has decided to leave her bf for this one. Maybe it's becuase she thought I might out her to her ex bf im not sure as she never told him truth to why she's leaving. She is now with new guy fully now and telling people when only very short while but some ppl know what she did. Though I know I did wrong, it still destoryed me more then any other rel, I felt addicted to her and was always good to her. Looking for answers on her behaviour but closest thing I can find is BPD or a narc.

[Gunit1]

If she really loved her long term bf and me then how does one cheat again and move on so quickly! She became so angry because I wasn't buying the lies.

[Gunit1]

If she really loved her long term bf and me then how does one cheat again and move on so quickly! She became so angry because I wasn't buying the lies.

Also feel through whole rel I was more used for sex than anything else but feelings and way she love bombed me at start felt so real! Even throughoit. But it was obvious once she checked out, she treated me totally differently and then cut me off.
Just wanted to add she is now playing the victim and has lied to couple ppl that I am abusive and a liar. Her new guy also believed her and told me to not contact her again as I was so pissed I did send emails and txts when I found out the whole truth

[Gunit1]

She does also drink regularly and when bit she loses total control of what she is doing.

[Mutt]

Hi Gunit1,



It’s hard to say if she has BPD traits or not there are a couple of things that stick out for me, a pwBPD blame the world for their problems if she has a long term pattern of blaming others for her problems Id consider it a trait but maybe she’s not borderline she could be emotionally immature. 

I think she was looking for an exit strategy with her then be when you met her, that’s probably hard to hear that, if the r/s solidified with you and deteriorated completely with her bf then she’s commit to you.

She could also have another BPD trait fear of aloneness a pwBPD fear being alone and will create r/s that they can fall back in while being in a primary r/s with him she had you and it’s hard to say how many other guys and then with you the new guy.

Ont ne hard on yourself i wouldn’t look at it in the terms of right or wrong but look at it like a pattern and a lesson too. If she’s willing to cheat with you while with her bad what’s to say that she’s not going to do the same thing with you? Try to brush it off and don’t be hard on yourself or lawn with guilt. It’s an opportunity to do things differently the next time because these r/s can help you develop your self awareness skills by self reflecting and look it at objectively.

You did a good thing for yourself by talking about and asking for feedback don’t look at it as doing a bad deed she was also in this r/s, she wasn’t transparent with you and maybe you were looking for a long term r/s, it just happened to be with the wrong person. Don’t beat yourself up.

[Gunit1]

Yeah I am not sure if she was using me as an exit but our relationship went on for 15months until she then started seeing a 3rd guy behind my and his back and is now soley with this new guy who has just come out of a marriage and has kids. She has none and way to selfish to take that on. She seems unhinged to me.

She def since I known her has way of blaming everyone else for her issues.

[Gunit1]

You also have to be pretty messed up if you are then cheating on the person you are already cheating with and sleeping with 3 diff people for period of time.

[Harley Quinn]

 

You've certainly been put through the mill.  Sorry to hear that you have been hurt in this way.  I can imagine that your feelings are very mixed about it all and am not surprised that you felt angry enough to lash out with texts etc. when the truth came out.  I'd have felt the same.  As Mutt says though, it's often tossed around that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so the fact she was cheating on someone with you probably indicates a high likelihood that you'd be in for the same treatment.  I know this doesn't make it any easier and it's clear your feelings had really developed past the great sex into loving her and hoping for a future together.  It's so hard when the idealisation ends, devaluation starts, only to be followed by discard and that fantasy rapidly falls away.  The love bombing being as effective as it is can mean that many if not most of us tend to ignore the multiple red flags because we're too heavily invested and emotionally attached.  It creates a very loaded bond when you throw in the dramas of the on off push pull cycles.  How are you doing right now?  What are your feelings towards her now that it's all had time to sink in?

One of the most important things I read on this site when I first arrived on this board was the article I'm going to share with you.  It quickly allowed me to identify the unhelpful thought patterns I was caught up in and begin to address them to aid my detaching and allow myself to move on, painful as it was.  This article included the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck and I hope that it is as useful for you as it was for me.  I would regularly check my progress based on this.  I'd be interested to know if you see any of these apply to your current thinking.  You'll find the link HERE.

Meantime just know that you've come to the right place to be understood and you will not be judged here.  BPD sufferers can have an intoxicating effect on us and can motivate us to quickly trample all over our own values and drop any boundaries we might normally have in place.  It's fair to say that many of us are not proud of some of our behaviour during and after our relationships.  We can get very caught up in the dysfunctional dance, especially if we - like myself and many here - are codependent types by nature.  Go easy on yourself.  Guilt doesn't help anything and you're coping with enough right now without feeling bad about past deeds.  By the sounds of it, if it wasn't you that she cheated with it would have been someone else.  The journey out of this isn't easy, and that's why this support group is here.  It does get better however, so dig in, take good care of you, keep reading here and posting as much as you find helpful.  We're listening.  

Love and light x      

[Mutt]

You also have to be pretty messed up if you are then cheating on the person you are already cheating with and sleeping with 3 diff people for period of time.

I know I was married and my exuBPDw was having an affair because our marriage was detoriating. She knew that it would eventually end up in divorce so she found someone ejse. It was pretty painful especially being betrayed like that. You probably have similar feelings.

The article that HQ linked is a pretty good article I recall retracing it over and over in the beginning when I was thinking about my ex and it brought up painful feelings that article helped me stay grounded and this board too.

Read up on BPD learn why a pwBPD act the way that they do so that you can distance yourself from their actions - depersonalize the BPD traits become indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it.  Stay away from junk psych read medically accredited information.

[Gunit1]

I know I was married and my exuBPDw was having an affair because our marriage was detoriating. She knew that it would eventually end up in divorce so she found someone ejse. It was pretty painful especially being betrayed like that. You probably have similar feelings.

The article that HQ linked is a pretty good article I recall retracing it over and over in the beginning when I was thinking about my ex and it brought up painful feelings that article helped me stay grounded and this board too.

Read up on BPD learn why a pwBPD act the way that they do so that you can distance yourself from their actions - depersonalize the BPD traits become indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it.  Stay away from junk psych read medically accredited information.

Also come to realise she's pathological liar. Found she's lied bout big things and things that make no sense to even lie about.

[Harley Quinn]

Being untruthful is a learned behaviour.  There may have been a time in her life that it served her to cover up the truth.  Having those lies directed at us is incredibly hard and feels like a betrayal of trust.  Non disordered people can be prone to this also.  What sorts of big things did she lie about?

Love and light x

[Mutt]

I understand that it doesn’t feel good to be lied to and some of the lying doesn’t make sense. I understand your frustration. Take a look out our library all the information is there.

Dissociation and lying

Id like to echo Harley Quinn about feelings. A pwBPD will dissociate or alter reality to match they’re out of place feelings.

A pwBPD self loath, self hate and feel a lot of shame. Shame is a strong emotion that makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you maybe your ex lied about something because it triggered shame. Imagine walking around carrying shame, some people might have to think about their childhood to conjure up that feeling, perhaps a parent or teacher made you feel shame.

I understand why my ex will dissociate and instead of focusing on what she said I think about what may of triggered the behaviour, whatever triggered it was not personal it’s something she’s going through internally.

[Gunit1]

Being untruthful is a learned behaviour.  There may have been a time in her life that it served her to cover up the truth.  Having those lies directed at us is incredibly hard and feels like a betrayal of trust.  Non disordered people can be prone to this also.  What sorts of big things did she lie about?

Love and light x

Biggest thing guess lying to her original bf for 15 months cheating and then cheating again behind his and my back for period of time. She lied about heaps small things to that seemed stupid prior to lying to me about seeing a 3rd guy. She is very manipulative, self absorbed and she was callous at end and didn't show any care or guilt. I don't think was first time she cheated either. Seemed to pro.

[Gunit1]

I understand that it doesn’t feel good to be lied to and some of the lying doesn’t make sense. I understand your frustration. Take a look out our library all the information is there.

Dissociation and lying

Id like to echo Harley Quinn about feelings. A pwBPD will dissociate or alter reality to match they’re out of place feelings.

A pwBPD self loath, self hate and feel a lot of shame. Shame is a strong emotion that makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you maybe your ex lied about something because it triggered shame. Imagine walking around carrying shame, some people might have to think about their childhood to conjure up that feeling, perhaps a parent or teacher made you feel shame.

I understand why my ex will dissociate and instead of focusing on what she said I think about what may of triggered the behaviour, whatever triggered it was not personal it’s something she’s going through internally.

I honestly don't think she had any shame, cheating with one and then cheating with a 2nd at same time. She got abusive and defensive and still lied about truth until the day she cut me off. She showed no care and that you don't even exist to her anymore. She has shown a lot of traits that fit diff disorders, narc, sociopath, hpd, bipolar ect

[Mutt]

Hi Gunit1,

I honestly don't think she had any shame,

. She showed no care and that you don't even exist to her anymore.

If she wasn’t ashamed then she shouldn’t be avoiding you? Wouldn’t she be more natural about the whole thing?

Seeing you and recalling her behaviours would trigger shame, avoiding you completely is avoiding her actions and feelings of shame.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you feeling at the moment?  After such a confusing time we can lose sight of ourselves a little in our quest for answers.  I know that I certainly did.  How are you taking care of yourself and what can you do to help yourself move through this difficult time without becoming stuck?  I found the Lessons really helpful, as they allowed me to see where I was in this healing process and to understand what I needed to do for myself in order to move forwards.  This stuff is hard, and we're here for you the whole way.  Keep posting and consider getting involved in others' threads, as we can learn a lot from discussing various topics and getting insight from members at various stages of detaching.  It's a bumpy road to recovery, but one so well worth travelling.

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

She's avoiding me since last time when  she blamed everything on me for her rel break down and projected everything she doing and acting like onto me. And because it went nasty at end she then just started avoiding. She showed no remorse, not admitting a thing and is now off and publicly saying she's with new bloke alresdy. Left her long term bf to in callous way

[Harley Quinn]

I'd be interested to know if this article rings true to you.  It's an explanation of the phases in a BPD relationship.  It may give you some clues to her behaviour.  The link is HERE.  Let us know if any of this seems familiar in your experience.

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

Yeah for the most part it does! The rage part near end I only really got at end when I was being discarded. But we were also in an affair so prob parts I didn't see due to being part time relationship really but the bf think got mood swings rage side

[Harley Quinn]

How does that make you feel about things?

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

Yeah opens mind up a bit. I guess questions I'll always have, I'll never get answer to. Like why did she leave after 13 years for THIS next guy. Wonder if BPD or npd ppl sometimes just replace all when it gets to hard. If juggling multiple like she was.

[Harley Quinn]

A sufferer's behaviour is driven by their emotions.  Feelings = facts.  If what we are experiencing is no longer providing us what we need, in some ways the fact that a pwBPD will seek their needs being met elsewhere is not so difficult to understand.  What is important to understand is that her needs are distinctly different to yours on an emotional level.  She has a mental illness which creates very real fears in her and maladaptive coping mechanisms in response to these.  Perhaps the bigger question is why do we as non's persist in situations where OUR needs are clearly not being met?  Something we can certainly think about.

I'd encourage you to be active in others' posts, as there is a lot to be learned from seeing how other members are coping with the same questions at different stages in their detaching.  I found it incredibly encouraging to see that I was not alone in my feelings and also to note that things do get better and there are ways to move through this.  Have you taken a look at the lessons and articles to the right of the page?

Love and light x 

[Gunit1]

A sufferer's behaviour is driven by their emotions.  Feelings = facts.  If what we are experiencing is no longer providing us what we need, in some ways the fact that a pwBPD will seek their needs being met elsewhere is not so difficult to understand.  What is important to understand is that her needs are distinctly different to yours on an emotional level.  She has a mental illness which creates very real fears in her and maladaptive coping mechanisms in response to these.  Perhaps the bigger question is why do we as non's persist in situations where OUR needs are clearly not being met?  Something we can certainly think about.

I'd encourage you to be active in others' posts, as there is a lot to be learned from seeing how other members are coping with the same questions at different stages in their detaching.  I found it incredibly encouraging to see that I was not alone in my feelings and also to note that things do get better and there are ways to move through this.  Have you taken a look at the lessons and articles to the right of the page?

Love and light x 

Yeah I have looked at a lot of posts, some come close to my story and some way off. She was never suicidal or self harming so that's diff.

I guess to answer back to your above is I will never understand but at the time she was with 2 guys she claimed to love! One for 12 years and me for 15 months and then chose to seek and cheat with a 3rd and then go off with that guy. Guess with mental illness ul never know why but Weirdly enough me and her were still good at this point and very lovey yet she still chose the need for more!

[Harley Quinn]

She may have been devaluing you under the surface.  It's hard to say.  I guess my advice at this point would be to try to turn your attention to yourself now.  Some puzzles aren't meant to be solved.  The takeaway from this is what you now do with this experience.  Do you let it damage or strengthen you in the long term?  Where would you say you are in the stages of detachment?  (see right)

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

Oh the guy she is now with has a couple of younger kids, anyone else seen this? And how a BPD or Npd will go taking on someone else's kids when they have non themselves.

[babyducks]

Gunit1

People with BPD or NPD are still individuals.   Unique.   Complex.   How they express the disorder is based on the experiences in their life.   and since everyone's life is different,... . 

Yes there are some patterns that exist in common but people with mental illness do not operate from a script.   

It seems that you very much would like to know what part of her behavior was the disorder and what part wasn't.     Why?    Would it make you feel better to say this part was real and that part was not?

what are you hoping for once you understand the illness better?

'ducks

[Gunit1]

I understand that, guess just getting understanding on why she's on such free fall and making choices that I thought she wouldn't make. Being very selfish person I find her choice very weird and what she did disturbing.

[babyducks]

I find her choice very weird and what she did disturbing.

Hi Gunit1,

She brought into the relationship a very different set of values, skills, and tools than you did.

I think it's important to identify the differences.    Not because it piles on,... .adds more trauma, pain and hurt... .because identifying the differences will help you learn what you really value in a relationship,   what tools and skill you had that were good and which ones might needs some polishing.

it makes sense to me that you find what she did distrubing.    it doesn't match up to your values,  what you expect and want in a relationship.

'ducks

[Gunit1]

Definitely didn't march up. Guess any normal person would want someone who isn't just liar, cheater, manipulator, no respect and then when they do all the bad, blames you for everything

[babyducks]

I know Gunit1.  A lot of damage was done.    It really hurts.    It's a deep hole to climb up out of.

How are you doing today?