I rang her friend who told me where she had been. In a hotel. All weekend.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m sure you’ve heard this all before but here goes.
I met this girl n we went on a few dates n things were getting serious, she was the greatest girl I’d ever met n we just clicked n everything seemed perfect?
Two months go by n I couldn’t be happier, she goes out for lunch with a friend n ends up on a ‘mad one’ as she calls it for two days, she doesn’t get in touch n I’m worried sick. She eventually calls me n says she feels empty n wants to kill herself... .I now know this was probably shame for her actions? Anyway I stay on the phone with her for 6 hours to calm her down n bring her back to normal... .if that’s even a thing. We write down how she feels so she remembers and she goes to the doctor to seek help. A few days later she gets diagnosed with BPD. Her mum takes her home to look after her and she tells me, she doesn’t want to put me through this, she’s a burden and I should leave, I reluctantly agree and give her some space. A couple days go by and I assume she is at her mums being taken care of, I cave and message her... .no reply. A couple more days go by and she rings me saying she’s been on another ‘mad one’ but won’t tell me where she has been, only that a man hit her. She tells me not to dig for info from her friends because that is ‘scheming’ but I had to know, I rang her friend who told me where she had been. In a hotel. All weekend. With an old man who uses her. It breaks my heart to hear n I have a go at her telling her to f**k off and leave me alone, she eventually does. This has honestly broken me, but I couldn’t leave it on such terms. I read endless amounts of stories on BPD and I tell myself she can’t help this? So I message her for closure telling her I’m sorry I was just angry, I hope she gets back on track and that I don’t hate her n I’m sorry for scheming. I then block her on all social media... .which kills me to do. I didn’t block her number though, she rang me today and after going around in circles, I told her that she scares me. She told me that she would leave me alone and that she won’t bother me again. Part of me wants her to... .I feel really lost and depressed, she’s bad for me I know it, but I miss her so much. Is there hope for her? It seems to me like she is trying to protect me on some level. Was any of it real? Thank you for listening. Talking about this and listening to people’s stories is helping so much.

[MD89]

I’m sure you’ve heard this all before but here goes.
I met this girl n we went on a few dates n things were getting serious, she was the greatest girl I’d ever met n we just clicked n everything seemed perfect?
Two months go by n I couldn’t be happier, she goes out for lunch with a friend n ends up on a ‘mad one’ as she calls it for two days, she doesn’t get in touch n I’m worried sick. She eventually calls me n says she feels empty n wants to kill herself... .I now know this was probably shame for her actions? Anyway I stay on the phone with her for 6 hours to calm her down n bring her back to normal... .if that’s even a thing. We write down how she feels so she remembers and she goes to the doctor to seek help. A few days later she gets diagnosed with BPD. Her mum takes her home to look after her and she tells me, she doesn’t want to put me through this, she’s a burden and I should leave, I reluctantly agree and give her some space. A couple days go by and I assume she is at her mums being taken care of, I cave and message her... .no reply. A couple more days go by and she rings me saying she’s been on another ‘mad one’ but won’t tell me where she has been, only that a man hit her. She tells me not to dig for info from her friends because that is ‘scheming’ but I had to know, I rang her friend who told me where she had been. In a hotel. All weekend. With an old man who uses her. It breaks my heart to hear n I have a go at her telling her to f**k off and leave me alone, she eventually does. This has honestly broken me, but I couldn’t leave it on such terms. I read endless amounts of stories on BPD and I tell myself she can’t help this? So I message her for closure telling her I’m sorry I was just angry, I hope she gets back on track and that I don’t hate her n I’m sorry for scheming. I then block her on all social media... .which kills me to do. I didn’t block her number though, she rang me today and after going around in circles, I told her that she scares me. She told me that she would leave me alone and that she won’t bother me again. Part of me wants her to... .I feel really lost and depressed, she’s bad for me I know it, but I miss her so much. Is there hope for her? It seems to me like she is trying to protect me on some level. Was any of it real? Thank you for listening. Talking about this and listening to people’s stories is helping so much.

[Mutt]

Hi MD89,



Wow that must of been very stressful talking her down from a leg for 6 hours at least she got a diagnosis. There is not much to go by after the two months it sounds like push / pull behaviour, what I would suggest it read as much as you can about the disorder it will do two things for you, you'll come to understand the behaviours and the reason why she acts the way that she does and you'll learn that it's personal to you it's something that she's going through. Every person with BPD is different just like non's some non's refuse to do self work and some do, the same goes for pwBPD. Did she sound like she was willing to get help?

[southside420]

I promise you that is not the last time you'll hear from her. My ex has said that countless times since I left her in November of last year, and she keeps coming back, which sucks since I am trying to move on. The latest was 2 weeks ago, when she said she'd not contact me again, and yet 2 nights ago she did, angry saying she heard I was talking to another girl - all while she's dating someone else. Just very bizarre behavior. Why does she care what I am doing? Who knows.

[Speck]

Hello, MD89:

 

I want to join both Mutt and southside420 in welcoming you to the forums. I wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

I told her that she scares me. She told me that she would leave me alone and that she won’t bother me again. Part of me wants her to... .I feel really lost and depressed, she’s bad for me I know it, but I miss her so much. Is there hope for her?

I would think so if she is willing to face her diagnosis of BPD and also undertake a great deal of specific therapy (DBT) in order to help her to regulate her emotions.

It seems to me like she is trying to protect me on some level.

This may be true, and she may be facing some shame at being diagnosed with a personality disorder.

Was any of it real?

Yes. Whatever you experienced was real for you and whatever she experienced was real for her.  The only difference between you and she is that she has a hard time holding on to a sustained feeling... .as soon as she has it in her hands, the wind blows it away. It's quite sad, but without help and training, pwBPD struggle with regulating their emotions. In other words, without focused and specific therapy, they will feel all the feelings that anyone would, but those feelings will continue to be fleeting at best.

Thank you for listening. Talking about this and listening to people’s stories is helping so much.

I'm glad to hear that. I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as far as it relates to surviving the ramifications of a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD.

And speaking of that: What are your next moves going to be? Do you wish to continue this relationship, or are you ready to detach and heal?

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to let us know how things are going for you. Someone here is always listening.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[MD89]

-Speck

Thank you for taking the time t read and reply to that, it really is helping. I didn’t know I could feel this strongly in such a short time, noboby has ever had this kind of power of me I feel like an addict and scares me. I’m not myself at all right now. I don’t know what my next move is to be honest? She said she will leave me alone to move on... .I don’t believe her though, on the phone she said “ I’m fine now I’m back to normal “ I was struggling to hold it together, I felt crushed as I was speaking to her like somebody was sat on top of me, she was casually eating a sandwich. She said that she’s worried about me n that I should see a councilor and “take some time for myself” I asked her if she will do that, she said that maybe at some point, but she’s isn’t going to let the diagnosis effect her life, she goes back to work Friday and still intends to go traveling at the end of the year. I’m worried sick about her, I’m angry at her, I miss her like crazy but every instinct in my body is telling me to walk away from this. If I’m like this after such a short time ( it was really intense) what will be left of me if I keep her around? I can’t bring myself to block her number. I want it to go back to when we first mate. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. She is 21 and has been diagnosed 2 weeks. It’s just such a shame, it really is  I don’t know how to reply on here? Hope this is right

[Speck]

Hello, again MD89!

Thank you for writing this here, so I can respond to you where others members can see.  I have some things to add:

I don’t know what my next move is to be honest?

It's perfectly okay to not know. The aftermath of a relationship with a person suffering from BPD can be a really confusing time. I've been there, and so have the vast majority of members here. You are among a legion of peers.

I asked her if she will do that, she said that maybe at some point, but she’s isn’t going to let the diagnosis affect her life... .

It most likely already does and everyone else around her. Of course, her not going to therapy is her choice to make. You can make other choices.

I’m worried sick about her, I’m angry at her, I miss her like crazy but every instinct in my body is telling me to walk away from this. If I’m like this after such a short time (it was really intense) what will be left of me if I keep her around?

I'm sure that after some time and deep contemplation, the answer to this question will materialize for you.  The thing to NOT do is to go down a path that will cause you further anguish. Only YOU will know what that path looks like.

I can’t bring myself to block her number.

You don't have to do that right now.

I want it to go back to when we first met. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. She is 21 and has been diagnosed 2 weeks. It’s just such a shame, it really is.

The idealization phase is extremely intoxicating. In my experience, and from what I've ever read about it, once this phase is over, the devaluation phase begins. From what you've shared thus far, this is where you are right now. It's a cycle.

If you want to experience the idealization phase again, the devaluation phase first has to end. The caveat to all this is, unless your ex gets the help she needs, you will have to tolerate these idealization/devaluation cycles in perpetuity. There's other things you can do to lessen the harm done to you, such as reading all you can about BPD, and learning helpful communication techniques. Our site has scads of these articles available to you at all times. It's all up to you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[MD89]

Everything reminds me of her. I can’t stop thinking about her at all. I’m dying for her to contact me. Is there anything that helps with this? I’ve been for a run, I’ve spoken to other girls and nothing is working or taking my mind off her.

[Speck]

Hello again, MD89:

Everything reminds me of her. I can’t stop thinking about her at all. I’m dying for her to contact me. Is there anything that helps with this? I’ve been for a run, I’ve spoken to other girls and nothing is working or taking my mind off her.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It's a tough spot to be in. I felt the exact same way when my uBPDw left me the third time.

If you are still considering a detached path with your ex, maybe you could write down a list of all the ways that this relationship is no longer a good match for YOUR future wellness, happiness, harmony, and peace. This exercise really worked to comfort me after my uBPDw left me the fourth time.

Do you think you could try it?


-Speck

[MD89]

I’ve been thinking as if my only option is to walk away, that this is the of the world in some sense, but is it? Can I not stand by her n help her through this sh*t? I mean she go diagnosed, she said she hates being this way. By abandoning her am I just confirming that the way she feels about people is correct? I’m really confused. I don’t know if I should walk away from this. She said from the very begging, the very very beginning “ Don’t get close to me I don’t want to hurt you “ and I did and then I have a total depression session when she goes wild? I go wild n sabotage my relationships too, maybe I have this on some level? I’m quite confused at the moment, I don’t really know what to do. I just know I was happier with her in my life, brief as it was. Thoughts on this? Am I in denial? Am I being a fool?

 Thanks for listening

[Speck]

Hello again, MD89:

Can I not stand by her n help her through this sh*t?

You can, indeed. There is a whole host of people here doing just that. Check out the Bettering Board if you'd like to consider this.

By abandoning her am I just confirming that the way she feels about people is correct?

That may be true to some extent. Those suffering from BPD fear abandonment... .so they push others away so that they do not get hurt.

I’m really confused. I don’t know if I should walk away from this.

It's okay to not know the answer to this question right now.

I go wild n sabotage my relationships too, maybe I have this on some level? I’m quite confused at the moment, I don’t really know what to do. I just know I was happier with her in my life, brief as it was. Thoughts on this? Am I in denial? Am I being a fool?

No, you're not a fool, however, you do appear to be quite confused about how you feel, and that's okay. Just sit with this for a bit. The answer will come.

That's my best advice tonight.


-Speck

[MD89]

Okay so I caved n messaged her... .in summery she said “ I appreciate you forgive me and would give me another’s chance but I don’t want to be in a relationship, I don’t need to be saved. If I knew you were getting emotionally involved I would of broken it off sooner, we were just suppose to be friends who had sex. You’re a good person and you’ll find somebody who makes you happy, but that’s not me. Take care x “ FYI I’m not a good person. Is this part of one of these stages? Is this genuine? I’m so confused, any insight, advice would be really helpful.

Thanks

[MD89]

Please someone reply

[Speck]

Hello, MD89:

I'm sorry I did not see this before now.

FYI I’m not a good person.

Do you have any insight into what makes you say this about yourself?

Is this part of one of these stages?

I'm sorry, MD, what do you mean by this?

Is this genuine?

From what I can tell, unfortunately, it appears that your reaching out to your ex has been rebuffed. She is trying to let you know that she doesn't want to resume a relationship with you. As hard as it is to do, all you can do at this point is to learn to accept what she is trying to say to you. Believe her.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this level of confusion and pain. We can help you sort out your understandably painful thoughts and feelings regarding all the above.

Keep writing, keep processing!


-Speck

[MD89]

I just didn’t know if this was part of these push pull stages I’ve read about.

[Speck]

I just didn’t know if this was part of these push-pull stages I’ve read about.

Based on what you've shared thus far, I would think so. I am sorry. It's tough.

Please let us know how we can best support you right now.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi MD,

Is this part of one of these stages? Is this genuine? I’m so confused, any insight, advice would be really helpful.

Just out of interest, does what she said directly conflict with something else she said recently?  From what I read, you said previously that she encouraged you to take time for yourself, seek counselling etc. and you felt that she was trying to protect you?

Love and light x