Mom with BPD Stage 3 Breast Cancer

[TravelBug88]

Hello everyone, this is my first post! I've been reading here for a bit and was so excited to find this treasure trove of advice and supportive help!

I'm 25 and my younger brother is 23, My mother has had BPD my whole life. It's been especially bad since our father passed away in 2012 since he acted as a "buffer" between us and her. My brother and I have established very limited contact with her. To her I've always been a sneaky, lying, conniving, and cheating daughter. She regrets paying for my college tuition because I was a bad investment and a disappointment and I'm clearly poisoning my brother against her. Obviously there were self-esteem issues that resulted from this, but fortunately I've had an amazing friend group to help.

In December, she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Her doctors gave her a very good prognosis: Chemo for 6 months, surgery, radiation, then she'd be good to go. But, that's not of course what BPDs hear. She's very conflicting: She's currently living by herself, and she wants me to quit my job where I live and move in to take care of her, but she also views me as a genuinely bad person. Why would you want such a bad person taking care of you? Worst of all, she will threaten to no longer pursue her chemotherapy because she does not want to be alone or feel abandoned anymore, and she will just live the rest of her days out by traveling or being alone her house and die there. But she changed her tune when she asked her doctor what would happen if she didn't pursue chemo and just decided to let the disease run its course. The outcome wasn't pretty, and she immediately changed her mind. But she still continues to use this threat against my brother and me. It's scaring me how I'm becoming desensitized because she says it over and over again.

Her friends and coworkers call me asking me what they should do. I don't want to talk to them, I feel very pressured into spending time with my mother and be subjected to more abuse than I should not be. My mother in law has suggested committing her to a psychiatric ward. I don't know if I can even do that, but she can't take care of herself, and being around her is not good for my mental well being or my brothers. Any and all advice would be super appreciated! Thank you so much!

[Speck]

Welcome, TravelBug88!

 

Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

Her friends and coworkers call me asking me what they should do. I don't want to talk to them, I feel very pressured into spending time with my mother and be subjected to more abuse than I should not be.

I am so sorry you and your brother are going through this. This is a toughie, but amazingly, I've been through the very same thing that you are going through, except that my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma rather than breast cancer. This was many, many years ago, but I remember well how crazy-making it all was.

First, although you may feel pressured, remember that you do not have to do anything in this world that you don't want to do. If her friends and coworkers are calling you, and it upsets you or puts you in a bad spot, do you think that you could just let their calls go to voicemail? Then, you could decide to return the calls at your leisure... .or not return them at all.

... .but she can't take care of herself, and being around her is not good for my mental well being or my brothers.

You mentioned that your mother has coworkers. Is she still working? Was she able to take care of herself before the cancer diagnosis? If so, what has changed? Does your mother have friends that she can rely upon?

I understand that being around your mother is extremely tough on both you and your brother. Not to pressure you further, but, do you think that you would be interested in learning more ways to cope with your mother's behavior and possibly learn new strategies with setting boundaries in order assist you when interacting with her?

It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm sorry for that. One thing that can really help with allaying some anxiety is understanding. And, it sounds like you are willing to understand BPD better, and that is pure genius, in my opinion. Luckily, you've found our website which can help you in that regard in spades. When you're ready, just start reading the site articles and do the Tools and Lessons located in the right panel of this page. The other thing that you'll find here is support for yourself.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Mutt]

Hi TravelBug88, 



Id like to join Speck and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you e been put in a difficult position and I’m sorry to hear about your mom. My mom passed away in the early 80’s from Hodgkin’d disease.

Id suggest to read as much as you can about BPD I’ll set you up with a couple of things that stick out for me in your post. It sounds like you’re mom is a borderline waif, there is a subset personality traits within BPD traits, waif, queen , hermit, witch. The waif has aliments and seeks attention, the queen is controlling, the hermit is fearful and lastly the witch is punishing. Some pwBPD have all four traits and switch between them and some of the traits are much more dominant than the other traits in some pwBPD identify it and there are strategies for it.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

But she still continues to use this threat against my brother and me. It's scaring me how I'm becoming desensitized because she says it over and over again.

I know that this is a difficult and scary time emotionally for your family  She’s throwing up FOG, or Fear in FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt ) it’s intended to make you feel scared so that you’ll do as she pleases, she’s not aware of her behaviour it’s common with pwBPD. Why does she want you as a caretaker if she wants to refuse treatment? I think that she’s scared, I would feel scared too but it’s her way of asking. Reading about BPD will help you by a) depersonalizing the behaviour and becoming indifferent to them and b) it’s a lot less scary to know what you’re dealing with when you know why your pwBPD behave the way that they do it’s not personal to you it’s something that a pwBPD are going through.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[Speck]

Hey, TravelBug88:

How have things been going for you since you last shared?

We're always here if you need to talk.


-Speck