Lost...Feel hurt and abused but I love a part of him

[Blackminos]

Hello,
I've been reading you for some weeks but never posted myself. But today I feel that I need too as it is a difficult period for me.

After a very difficult divorce. I was a mess. I have been in therapy for 2 years now. And I was feeling much better. Confident, I found a great and interesting job, I was feeling good, enjoying my life as a woman and a single mother. That is when I met this man on a dating website.
From the beginning, it was different from the small talk, it is used in these websites. We talked a lot about life, society, our hopes, fears, live scars (he was raped as a child, his dad left home, can keep a job as he is impulsive and hypersensitive) etc.  We had been in contacts for weeks when I asked him to meet for a coffee as we were beginning close friends. (We don't live in the same city). First, he was afraid that we could loose something and at the same time if the bounds we have were the same in real life, it could complicate things. I was confident and we planned it. But the day we were supposed to meet, he simply disappeared and blocked me.
I was angry, and sad because I thought (all that were lies and he was surely playing games with me). I went back quite fast to my normal life and forgot about him. 2 months later, he came back, telling me that he was too afraid to meet me. That I was too good for him and it was better for me not to meet him. But at the same time, after I told him that I don't appreciate this lack of respect, we came back to our friendship again: a lot of phone calls, messages, videos calls, etc.
We didn't meet until the day he knew that I had a date with another guy. He became jealous and asked to meet me.

When we met, it was like fireworks. I was feeling so good, like if I finally met the one. He was very respectful. We just kisses and as he didn't want me to drive by night I stayed for the night but no sex. Just kisses and cuddles.

And that is when the rollercoaster begins. He told me that this night was fantastic. That we are in a mess as everything is good between us. But dats after, he disappeared again. I was angry, asked for explanation etc. Then he came back to stay 2-3 weeks and disappeared again. The in and out are routine now. He told me awful things when he is going out like he was using me just for sex, that he is with another woman, that he is using me for my kitchen (he likes cooking and I have a big kitchen), that he doesn't care for me, I never exist. But when we reconcile, he tells me that he said all that to protect me from him in order that I move on, that I desearve better, that I need to find a real man who desearve me me not a crap like him, but that between us is fantastic. He disappeared every time we have a good time together, as if he has fears or something. His absence
Are for 2 days to 2 weeks, and he came back talking about friendship but when we meet again it is not about friendship, but something more.

Now he broke up with me for a month. That is the longest period of separation. He ignores my calls and messages. But came back already 2 times calling me during the night to come to him (one for sex, the other to talk). He was very drunk at that moments (he is alcoholic and drinks a few beers everyday).  I refused the 2 times telling him that I am tired of trying to understand him, that I am hurt, that I have needs also and if he wants to see me, we can meet but like normal persons, during the day and evening. He apologized the 2 times telling me that he is a crap again. He stayed in contacts for 2 days and then disappeared again.
I love him, I miss him but I am tired of this rollercoaster. I have trust issues with him because I don't know anymore if all we shared were lies or not. That when he pushed me away, the things he told me are in the end the truth.

He told me about his problems (impulsivity, lost everyone around him, addiction , ptsd, etc.) he went to different psychologists, therapies, rehab, etc. But he told me no one understands him to help him. One doctor told him that he is bipolar but his cycles are very fast. One day for example, we were planning our weekend together and he is was so excited to see me and 5 minutes later he told me that he was over, that I won't see him again and disappeared.
I read a lot and I think that maybe he is borderline.

What do you think? Does it seem typical of borderlines? I know that only a specialist can tell it. I tried to talk about it with him but he is telling that nobody can help him and that suggesting that I am judging him.

I need to understand. I know also that he is keeping contacts with his exes... .so maybe I was just used and now he is acting the same with anothe one.

I feel hurt, abused, but at the same time I love one part of him. All the thing we have shared... .even if they are probably all lies... .

I am confused with all that story... .

Thanks for your help

[spero]

Dear Blackminos,

Hello there! I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I just want to let you know that you're not alone.
You must be feeling confused, sad, not knowing what to do at this moment.
I just wanted to drop a quick response first in the meantime.

Please be assured that i'll respond shortly later.

Takecare,
Spero.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blackminos, and welcome.

Sorry for the late reply.  What you describe sounds really painful and confusing. We can relate to that here.  I'm wondering how things are with you since you posted your introduction?  Has anything changed or developed?  Perhaps you can fill us in on your last interaction with him.

Read all you can here, and I'd encourage you to involve yourself in other discussions.  There is much to be learned from doing so, and you will find that you're not alone in your feelings.  Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x 

[Speck]

Welcome, Blackminos!

 

I just want to join Spero and Harley Quinn in welcoming you to the discussion boards. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here, so that's what you should expect.

Like you, I lurked here for a while before feeling compelled to become a member, and I'm so glad that I have. It sounds like you are having an especially difficult time right now, but I hope that you will stick around and receive the support that you need.

I read a lot and I think that maybe he is borderline. What do you think? Does it seem typical of borderlines? I know that only a specialist can tell it.

While, like you mentioned, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones and significant others feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. But, I also know that it would be very comforting to you to know for sure what you've been dealing with. That's understandable.

If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to make yourself at home. You are among peers.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .


-Speck