How to react to rages

[AgnesBy]

I’m new here and looking to gain some help.  My not young and this is a new relationship.  Married two years only. I did not know that there were mental health issues until after the marriage, and things started to change.  I realized that my husband was taking medications that gave me the hint that his moods could be based on a mental illness.
He agreed to have some testing because he was having memory issues and agreed that the testor could share information with me. Thats when I realized he had the diagnosis of adjustment disorder with cluster B .  His rages and moods started to become more frequent.  
I dropped off the pedestal quickly and he started to accuse me of saying things I did not say and controlling me with his moods and displeasure.  
He has been married and divorced twice before .  I have been widowed twice and can not believe I’m in this situation.  He flies into rages over things that seem so senseless.  I have no idea how to react or to avoid them. For example, I was going to wash clothes this morning and asked if he had any clothes to add to the hamper. He went into a rage about why did I have to do things on my time.  He was not ready to put clothes into the hamper right now. I always want things my way. I was frightened and angry. And said fine and going to get some air.
And that angered him more. It’s always your way, never mine , he yelled getting into my face. How do you react to something like that?  It’s just one example.  He can flare over things that make no sense. He gets depressed. Does not get dressed or out of bed. He is type 1 diabetic and neglects to eat or forgets he insulin. He threatens to take too much insulin and end it all.  I found out he has been hospitalized for two attempts in the past.
He has 2 daughters that are supportive of him but do not take any guff so sometimes there are rifts.  
Their mother reached out to me and said that if I ever need to talk she’s there. He would be furious if he knew she had talked to me. She said he was hell to live with and stayed as long as she could but there came a point where for her mental health she needed to break off the relationship.  He says she abandoned him.
Help. I’m not sure what I should be doing
J

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Agnesby, 



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry to hear that borderline rages can be scary and they wear you down. I remember fighting and looking at he clocking timing how long the fights were it was an hour and a half once.

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD can’t self regulate it self sooth and it takes them much longer to get to their emotional baseline. You can’t control what he does but can control how you react and act. I would suggest to remove yourself from the situation if he’s that dysregulated because you’re not using your logical side of your brain you’re using the primitive side. I’d say I’m nlt going to get treated this way then find someone to change the tempo around the house go put to the garage and clean your car, go out and run an errand etc.

If you’re at this stage I check out the side bar choosing a path and stop the bleeding  

[Speck]

Welcome, AgnesBy!

 

Let me join Mutt in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Help. I’m not sure what I should be doing.

From what you have written, it seems as though setting some boundaries around your husband's rages is in order. So, I agree with Mutt that a good next right step for you to take is to stop the bleeding by diffusing as much conflict as you possibly can. Can you read the article and tell us what you think about it?

It is extremely difficult to deal with the behaviors of someone who suffers from BPD, and it can be quite confusing and terrifying at times. I am so sorry you are feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out to your local support group (your husband's daughters), as that will be key to your healing and understanding. Another positive thing that you have done for yourself is reached out to us. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AgnesBy, Welcome!  Speck and Mutt make some excellent points about dealing with BPD rage, which is a common problem nearly all of us have faced.  I agree w/Mutt that it's wise to remove yourself from the situation when he is triggered, which you did by going to get some air.  Leave the room, leave the house, etc., as needed.  I concur w/Speck that boundaries might help to protect you.  See the Tools button above for tips on employing boundaries.  Another technique that I used with some success is disengagement, whereby you don't take things personally and basically refuse to engage in drama.  In other words, you stay above the fray.  It takes practice to get the hang of this technique, but might be worth a try.

Keep up the good work by posting here, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear AgnesBy-

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through with your husband and your new marriage.  The rages are frightening, I understand from experience.  And it appears your H may have hidden this side of his personality during your courtship.  Is that accurate?  If so, to me that means he does have the ability to regulate his emotions to some extent.

Is your H still working outside the home? 

One thing that is so important for you to understand, and I mean truly understand, is that you are NOT really a trigger for his outbursts.  You just happen to be a "safe" person for him to rage at.  You have zero to do with his mental illness and no matter what vile things he may scream at you, you are NONE of those names he may call you.  I agree with the others who've stated that you have the control to remove your ears and your body from the rages.

You can quietly tell your H that you cannot be a part of such a painful conversation and you will return in 10 minutes (an hour, or whenever).  And yes, you can begin to study the tools on the right side of the page.

Again... .I am so sorry.  Sometimes we think we've found our happiness after heartbreak; and we find we've made an error.  But there are ways to modify the situation.

Please keep posting.  People in our community have a deep understanding of what you're going through.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Speck]

Hello, AgnesBy:

How have things been going for you at home since you've last shared?

We're always here if you need to talk.


-Speck