What does NC mean for you?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey gang,

I just wanted to a discussion about no contact and ask junior and senior members on how do they find it? What do you do with you're time when you're not responding to your expwBPD? Why do we do no contact? When is it appropriate? What do you find challenging?

In case you didn't get a chance to read our article or you want to a refresher you can find the article here:

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

[Mutt]

Hey gang,

I just wanted to a discussion about no contact and ask junior and senior members on how do they find it? What do you do with you're time when you're not responding to your expwBPD? Why do we do no contact? When is it appropriate? What do you find challenging?

In case you didn't get a chance to read our article or you want to a refresher you can find the article here:

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt,

Good questions.

No contact for me was I think the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I was still deeply in love with him, despite all of the awful things that had happened (suicide attempts, manipulative self harming, domestic violence, my son being placed in his father's care) and I was deep in the FOG, although I recognised that and was trying to work my way out of it at the time.  Making the decision and actually choosing that route had been a time of turmoil for me and I felt like I was doing the impossible when I finally sent him the message to never contact me again.  I literally felt as though I tore my own heart out, it was so painful.  The idea of never speaking to him again, never seeing him... .

Within a minute or so of sending the text I had a reply which was sardonic, saying that I was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, had destroyed his life etc. etc.   It actually made it a little easier to let myself go with the fallacy of those words and imagine that he'd remain that angry and bitter.  Unfortunately minutes later I had my last ever voice message which was the opposite reaction and hung like a lead weight from my shoulders.  He was devastated and in floods of tears.  I could hear the pain in his voice and after he described how hurt he was, he then agreed to leave me alone and respect my wishes.  He apologised for everything and if ever my resolve to not reach out to him was going to break, it was then. 

I made it through that torturous moment which stretched into hours and days, and in time this strengthened me.  If I could hold strong then, I could really value myself and my future happiness in the way that I'd failed to do so during the r/s.  What I did I knew was for the best for both of us.  We could no longer go on as we were.  He was right - we were destroying one another.  Looking back now I know that going NC in my case was the only way I'd ever free myself of his hold. 

No contact gave me the opportunity to really stop and clear my mind of all of the cognitive dissonance and start to gain some real perspective over what had been happening.  Initially I learned all I could, not only on BPD but about codependency, the PD rates in non partners, Stockholm Syndrome, the list goes on.

I'm so glad we didn't have any financial ties or children.  I know you parallel parent with your ex wife so can't go completely NC.  How did you find your detaching as a result?

Love and light x       

[Mutt]

Hi Harley Quinn,

I made it through that torturous moment which stretched into hours and days, and in time this strengthened me.  If I could hold strong then, I could really value myself and my future happiness in the way that I'd failed to do so during the r/s.

I like how you said that it strengthened you and you found your true value.
 

I know you parallel parent with your ex wife so can't go completely NC.  How did you find your detaching as a result?

It was hard like any other member here it was challenging because the problems were coming from different fronts, I was split black and extreme anger was directed at me and I had my own wounds to heal so that I can recover. The anger stemmed from another failed r/s and my rejection triggered her core wound of abandonment. I say my rejection but it was really equal parts because we both had destructive r/s skills in the marriage, she was also trying to reject me before I rejected her. Then there was the matter of the kids and she was absolutely impossible to coparent with because she doesn't listen she talks over you and tries to coherce you into doing what she wants.
 
 I had to do a couple of things and the first thing was to minimize contact and what I mean by that is to really zero in on what was valid between us for the sake of the kids after the split. So that meant that I wasn't going to ask her about personal things going on in her life and I wasn't going to personal things in my life the only subject that was valid was the kids and their welfare.
 
 It was hard to not respond to her angry emails I didn't better at the time but my automatic response was to become defensive and fight back. I had never met anyone as difficult as her in my entire life I thought that I had family members that were difficult but she took the cake. It caused a lot of unneccarry emotional distress and pain to fight with her I had to change my responses and that was tough. My natural response was to fire back a response.
 
 Just a side note I recall we were fighting about something I can't remember the details but we were arguing over email she was dysregulated and I kept replying back with JADE and I recall the email thread was at least 100 messages and all of this while I was working. It was absolutely anixety inducing I was scared to go back home I didn't want to face her.
 
I hear you on doing that to a person that I had cared so much about at the time it was hard to close that door but once that I closed it I was determined to keep it that way so that I could recover for myself and for the kids, they needed someone to go to bat for them and that was going to be me, I couldn't leave that with my ex that displayed a severe un-diagnosed mental illness. I recall warning her to really think it through with her choice of leaving because I will fight to win for the kids. That meant that I had to take control of what I could which was me and to use my strengths over her weaknesses for example she's impulsive so I had to detach so that I didn't remain attached and  fight like cats and dogs after the split. I would use my intelligence over automatically reacting to something.

[juju2]

Hi family,

Have gone low contact, since about two months, only saw him when he was in the hosp and we met at the elevator... .we co parent animals, and co own vehicles.  He also has a lot of his personal possessions at our previously shared home, left them with me,  and am looking at when he needs to completely have everything gone.
So i have only used email for communication, and that is what he uses with me.
And am close to his dtr and her kids.  Low contact has taken stress off of me, and allows me to communicate neccessary things. 
I feel more grounded, taking back my power, and it feels right, to communicate in this manner... .

Thank you for your support,
j

[Struggler123]

No Contact takes a lot of strength and courage. It literally means that you’re moving forward. I would initially do the silent treatment because it would help with temporary boundaries, why add fuel to a fire that you never started. I cared about her deeply, and wanted to be there for her. I remember, I wasn’t even mad that she got married to someone else, I was just upset at the fact that while everything was going on, I was being triangulated and hearing details that I did not want to hear. Pictures were being displayed like a show, to examplify how supposedly happy she was. Don’t get me wrong thats great and everything, but no one should do things to make another person Jealous. I provided closure numerous times, without having to block her, and everytime I would cave in whether it was the 3rd or 4th call. When I realized, I was enabling her behavoir, I decided to do what any good guy would do, walk away. I was no longer responsible for her behavoir or her life, the new guy is and I respected that. Its been a month, I know the second I click the unblock button, it will be like as if nothing happened, and we can be “friends.” To her, its not a big deal, and she can still do everything she wants to but, the truth is marriage is a big thing, it comes with numerous responsibilities, and BPD or not, if the person is not mature enough to accept some rules. Also, I think that making impulsive decisions doesn’t lead to the best results and thats why I couldn’t initiate no contact in the beginning. But, after I evaluated my rules, morals and what I wanted for myself. I didn’t see her in the picture anymore, and I think thats no contact for me letting go of the past, and looking forward to the future. A place where those that weren’t able to make it, should not be forced in. It’s almost like a bitter sweet moment, I’m sure she’s doing better off without me, as I will be better off without her and thats what takes time to accept, that it was never about me, so in a sense no contact means acceptance for me, acceptance that it didn’t work out and that’s okay. I have no hard feelings for her, and if she has them for me, thats none of my concern.

[Mutt]

Low contact has taken stress off of me, and allows me to communicate neccessary things. 
I feel more grounded, taking back my power, and it feels right, to communicate in this manner... .

For you juju2 it means putting your life in order and putting an end to the drama.


Hi Struggler123,

I didn’t see her in the picture anymore, and I think thats no contact for me letting go of the past, and looking forward to the future. A place where those that weren’t able to make it, should not be forced in. It’s almost like a bitter sweet moment, I’m sure she’s doing better off without me, as I will be better off without her and thats what takes time to accept, that it was never about me, so in a sense no contact means acceptance for me, acceptance that it didn’t work out and that’s okay. I have no hard feelings for her, and if she has them for me, thats none of my concern.

For you Struggler123 it's about moving on with your life and acceptance, acceptance that it happened and it belongs in the past.

Keep the responses coming whatever it means to you personally. We can challenge each other's thoughts. 

[Getoverit]

I'm going though this now and feel the physical effects of NC. They're not joking or exaggerating when people write that it feels like you're going through drug withdrawal. I have had begin taking medication to help myself get through the day and nights as I've failed many attempts of NC. It's been too long and I understand now that I must move on without him. My last pregnancy which I terminated after he continued to abuse me was the final straw for me. Therapy and medication have helped but I've also had to keep myself busy with things like learning a new language. I'm looking forward to feeling proud of myself again, something I haven't felt for years. I've accepted that he is who he is and I don't like who I am--in order for me to change I must actively concentrate on bettering myself. My focus now is to use my energy to improve my emotional health.

[Mutt]

They're not joking or exaggerating when people write that it feels like you're going through drug withdrawal.

You’re right Getoverit it feels like one of the most difficult things physically to go through  Sometimes you have to feel worse before you start to feel better hang in there.

[Harley Quinn]

No Contact takes a lot of strength and courage. It literally means that you’re moving forward.

I think you hit on something here that was one of the reasons I found it so hard to reach that decision.  As much as I wanted all the awfulness to end, I was still somewhere within myself holding on and moving forward felt too final.  I too had to come to a place of searching within myself and examining what I really want, what my values are and how I wish to live my life, before I was ready to move forward.  It's a big step.

Love and light x

[WindofChange]

I had a very difficult time getting to the point of absolutely NC. Like Harley Quinn, I was still in love with him when we separated and I was brokenhearted that it wasn't working out. Every time I went to pack up some of my things during the moving process, I would just sob. That was 3 months ago. He's been going through a difficult time with depression and a job loss, so I have worried a lot about him and wanted to still be there for him. We had gone to LC because I couldn't bring myself to not respond when he texted or called. The physical withdrawal was horribly painful. Even though logically I knew it was for the best that the relationship end, I still had this fantasy that he'd have some miraculous breakthrough and call me and say he was getting his life together, he was getting better, and he wanted to be with me and that things would be different.
After posting about my struggles with NC on another thread, I had made the decision to tell him this past weekend. Well, for me that was made much easier by what transpired before I told him. (Sorry, this will be a bit lengthy.)

He had tried to call me a few times but I didn't answer. Then he texted saying we needed to talk. He went on to say that because a couple of months ago I had called 911 (because he told me he had taken pills to kill himself), his ex-wife got a copy of the police report and would use it to take away his rights to his child. He told me he hated me, that he wished he'd never met me, and other more abusive things. I remained calm and told him that he had given me no choice but to call 911 by telling me he was killing himself, and that he needed take responsibility for his own actions. He continued to say hurtful things and say I had set out to cause him to lose his child. I told him I would feel no guilt for trying to save his life. I said I couldn't control his reactions or feelings, but that our contact needed to end and that I was going to block him. I told him that despite his horrible words, I wished him well. (All of this conversation occurred via text.)

I felt shaky and in shock, but it was an illustration to me of how emotionally unstable he is to react in such an extreme way. A few hours later he sent me an email apologizing for what he said, telling me he'd always love me but he agreed we needed to go completely NC, and that he hoped I'd be able to forgive him for what he said. That will be our last contact as far as I'm concerned.  I felt good about the fact that I didn't apologize and beg his forgiveness (as I might have done in the past).

The past few months have been very difficult, but what I've done to cope has been to journal, to exercise, see a therapist, and pour out my feelings on these boards. I wish I'd gone NC sooner, as all LC did was to prolong the healing process and add additional pain. I think NC is vital to being able to put the relationship in the past and process through your emotions and work toward your own healing. It is a process and everyone has to come to the decision in their own time. The physical withdrawal is horrible in the beginning, but if you just hang in there, it eases. I am only a few months out, so I still have sad days and lonely times, but I know I'll get through it and that this is just part of the process. Your self-esteem starts to come back, you start to remember who you are, what you enjoy, what you want in life for yourself, instead of focusing on another's needs and wants. NC will help you reclaim your life.

[mama-wolf]

I'm in a similar situation to Mutt with co-parenting and being unable to go totally NC.  But I have drastically reduced/adjusted my responses to anything she sends that's not specifically related to the kids.  And even with anything related to the kids, I keep very clear boundaries and refer to our custody agreement if I have to.

When there is contact, I tend to get what feels like this buzzing/shaky feeling under my skin.  Especially when I get a message from her that's clearly intended to 1) provoke an angry or defensive response, 2) make me feel bad for leaving the marriage and how it left her in the financially disadvantaged position she's in, or 3) coerce me into seeing or doing things her way with regards to the kids.  It feels equally odd when I reply back using BIFF and it actually shuts her up.

It's still really hard to picture any kind of a future without her in it (or at least being a factor in some way).  I also still find myself worrying almost daily about what biting remarks she'll make when she learns I did something or visited with certain friends, etc.  I know I don't owe her any explanations and don't have to take whatever she dishes out anymore.  I just don't even want to have that worrisome thought in the first place--and don't want to have to actually hear/read whatever she has to say either.

I know I'm gaining more control over my life with each day, even with the co-parenting.  Actually feeling more in control will be more pronounced once all of her things are moved out as of this Friday and I don't have to interact with her about any of that anymore.  I just need these last few logistical pieces taken care of before I can really feel free of her (or, as free as I can be with the kids we share).

mw

[Starfire]

I'm fortunate in that I didn't have any blockers to total no contact.  We weren't married. No shared children, pets, or assets.  We never lived together, so there was nothing to move.  Obviously that helped a lot, and I feel great relief for it.

Literally, no contact for me was saying goodbye for the last time and never saying another word.  That was on 23 Feb, so I'm coming up on 5 months of maintaining that boundary.  At first he would call and text, but get no answer.  Then he stopped calling and texts became fewer and farther between.  Still with no response from me.  Most recently he had gone 2 months without texting but sent me a "wave" via FB messenger.  I did not respond.

I've been asked why I didn't block his number to avoid the calls and texts.  Experience shows that when I do so, he resorts to one or both of two options.  1) Calling/texting from an alternate number that he can and will easily change with his service provider.  I have 45 blocked numbers in my phone.  2) Showing up on my doorstep.

Neither of the two above situations are sustainable.  They're even more crazy-making than just maintaining my boundary of not responding.  That said, not responding is hard.  Someone already likened it to drug withdrawal.  So, so true.  Just yesterday I opened FB messenger and thought to myself, it's just one little single tap to wave back and get that rush of excitement and horror and anticipation.

It's sometimes frightening that I'm wired that way - to be so in need of that.  Good news is that it gets easier as time passes.

[Harley Quinn]

The physical withdrawal is horrible in the beginning, but if you just hang in there, it eases. I am only a few months out, so I still have sad days and lonely times, but I know I'll get through it and that this is just part of the process. Your self-esteem starts to come back, you start to remember who you are, what you enjoy, what you want in life for yourself, instead of focusing on another's needs and wants. NC will help you reclaim your life.

Amen to that.  I think I'd have cut the LC out and gone to NC sooner had I read your post at the time WindofChange.  I like what you say about remembering who you are.  At around 5 weeks of NC I got my sense of humour back and it was like a light came on.  I had a glimpse of myself again and wanted to find her once more.  It has been for the most part uphill from there emotionally, with the odd backslide of course. 

How do you manage the feelings when you have the sad and lonely times?  Do you have a strategy that helps the feelings to pass naturally? 

When I was overwhelmed with my emotions after I left him, I had to keep busy a lot or I sank deeper into depression, but I found that NC allowed me the space to actually sit with these feelings and just be sad and lonely.  I wasn't heaping more new raw feelings on top of others, by keeping the wound open and poking at it, as I was when we were still in contact.  There was no chance I was going to heal like that.

Love and light x   

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you for the refresher with the article!

with co-parenting and being unable to go totally NC

Very similar to Mutt and mama-wolf with co-parenting (more like parallel parenting), I couldn't go completely NC because of the kids. I felt I had to read every message in case it was important and about the kids. So my fiance now reads every message my ex sends me and lets me know if it's about the kids or the usual abusive rants. We then come up with a reply (if warranted) together which he will write and send for me. My ex tends to trigger me a lot with what he writes and how he writes it (even if he's not trying to be mean). So having someone else read and send the messages for me really helps me a LOT.

drastically reduced/adjusted my responses to anything she sends that's not specifically related to the kids

I'm so happy for you! It's not easy. I'm still working on this. I have made a lot of progress with this, though. In the beginning it was really tough to not respond to all his baiting. It took time, support, and therapy for me to make progress on this. I even wrote a one-time disclaimer to him that I would only respond to messages about the kids and when I don't reply to any other message (non-kid related), it does not mean I agree with him and to assume my answer is "I disagree" unless I write otherwise.

The more I tried to disengage, the more he held on. Post divorce, he seemed to expect me to invite him along when I went somewhere with the kids. I had tried several times to talk nicely with him about leaving me alone. The marriage counselors did as well. He refused. He would even drop by the house unannounced after he moved out. There were also many times he harassed me online. So I ended up blocking him from all my social media, especially when the marriage counselor and my own therapist both encouraged me to do so after I showed them the awful stuff he wrote about me.

By the time I filed for divorce, I had already emotionally detached from him. Looking back, any good feelings I had for him had long disappeared by the time I filed. By that point I was just going through the motions which wasn't fair to anyone.

Post divorce, sometimes it felt like trying to untangle spaghetti. He tries to stay enmeshed with me and I am trying to disentangle myself from it all. It's a process and I'm still working on it.

[WindofChange]

I feel for those of you with children together who can't completely go NC. I'm sure it must be so incredibly difficult! I admire your strategies for coping with it and focusing solely on the children.

 

How do you manage the feelings when you have the sad and lonely times?  Do you have a strategy that helps the feelings to pass naturally? 

When I was overwhelmed with my emotions after I left him, I had to keep busy a lot or I sank deeper into depression, but I found that NC allowed me the space to actually sit with these feelings and just be sad and lonely.  I wasn't heaping more new raw feelings on top of others, by keeping the wound open and poking at it, as I was when we were still in contact.  There was no chance I was going to heal like that.

HQ, as far as managing the feelings, I try to keep busy. I spend time with family and friends. I exercise, even when I'm tired, because it helps me so much mentally. I journal. I pray. I spend time in nature (although not as much as I'd like). I remind myself that this is part of the process and that it will pass. Sometimes I try to distract myself because I don't want to think about being sad, and I am frustrated because I want to move forward and just be happy. Other times, I just let the tears come and feel the loneliness and grief. But it seems like it's of shorter duration these days, and I feel better afterward. (After months and months before and immediately after the breakup of crying almost every night, this is definitely progress.) 

I agree with you that NC prevents more raw feelings from being piled on. Staying in contact for me definitely kept the wound open and delayed the healing process. What else worked for you? 

[WindofChange]

I wanted to add that I've also read many of the articles on here about BPD, relationship issues, codependence, setting boundaries, etc. (located under the Insights tab on the home page). They're very helpful. I'm glad this site exists because I think it helps many people. It's been a lifesaver for me.

[Jeffree]

What do you do with you're time when you're not responding to your expwBPD?


I just do me... .live my life - work, golf, garden, clean and tend to my house. This winter I re-painted the whole inside of the house. As soon as it cools down, I am going to have to do some outside projects to get it ready for sale.

Why do we do no contact? When is it appropriate?


I did it because absolutely NONE of what I said mattered, was heard, made a difference, or the like and was met with nothing useful to me in return. It was like talking to a wall. Rather than beat my head against that wall, I just removed it from my life.

I think it was appropriate to go strict NC when all hope was lost and I wanted to stop the cycle of abuse.

What do you find challenging?

Not much. She abused me to the point of no return. About the only challenge is for me to thank my lucky stars this isn't going on anymore. I don't miss the abuse. I miss the better times.

J

[Mutt]

coerce me into seeing or doing things her way with regards to the kids

I get this as well it's not a discussion it has to be her way. I know that it's tough.

I've been asked why I didn't block his number to avoid the calls and texts.  Experience shows that when I do so, he resorts to one or both of two options.  1) Calling/texting from an alternate number that he can and will easily change with his service provider.  I have 45 blocked numbers in my phone.  2) Showing up on my doorstep.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

So having someone else read and send the messages for me really helps me a LOT.

I found that whatever works for you, I can relate with how hard it can be when you get abusive emails, a pwBPD can't self sooth if you're out of the picture then you're not his soother.
 

I wanted to add that I've also read many of the articles on here about BPD, relationship issues, codependence, setting boundaries, etc. (located under the Insights tab on the home page). They're very helpful. I'm glad this site exists because I think it helps many people. It's been a lifesaver for me.

It's been a lifesave for me too that's why I volunteer to give back.

I don't miss the abuse. I miss the better times.

With time you won't miss the good times Jeffree

[heartandwhole]

NC really helped me to give myself (and my heart) space to rebalance after a relationship and breakup that almost crushed me. It’s not for everyone, but I’m the kind of person who needs that distance in order to recover, and thankfully, I was in a position (no ties, lived in different places) that made using NC an easy option.

I told pwBPD that I needed that space and asked him to respect it, which he for the most part did. I found a therapist, joined this community, and started to feel the effects of what I had been through, giving myself time to grieve.

It was tough, but NC was ultimately one of the best things I did for myself.

heartandwhole