I don’t know where things are my fault and where things are her fault

[CPTSDGuy]

I call myself a CPTSDGuy.  I got chronic post Trumatic stress disorder from my parents, who are alcoholics. I did not have the best growing up. There was a lot of screaming all over the place and a lot of bullying. I was a pretty fat kid and a lot of the kids didn’t like me. So I was pretty bold over by my NPD/NPD girlfriend.

What I see is the problem right now is that I have a lot of issues. And these aren’t fake, the person is blaming me issues. I think she’s probably blaming me more than needs to be, but I do have issues. I have bipolar too and have been hospitalized for it. At one point my therapist thought I had borderline disorder, but I’ve read about it and I think that is completely wrong. But she calls me borderline all the time like it’s a swearword.

 I have made some suicide attempts. I don’t think I really wanted to die as much as I just wanted things to stop. That was both before I met my girlfriend and after. She has had to deal with a lot of things. But I think that she takes these things and uses them to maximum affect to blot out the fact that she has problems too. She is depressed all the time. She has no self-esteem. Literally less than I have. She has more family issues Then I do, but she will never talk about them and only talk about mine.

She doesn’t deny this when I bring it up. But she won’t talk about it either. She won’t talk about it in counseling. When I have feedback when I want things to be different one, when I want her to do something differently, she has a very bad reaction both in counseling and out. She simply has said that she cannot take bad feedback. I know that counseling is not supposed to work. But it’s the only place she will really talk to me.

Here is what I would really like feedback on. I feel like I don’t have clean hands. I know I’m not easy to live with. A partner who tries to kill themselves and has bipolar disorder and complex posttraumatic stress disorder cannot be easy to live with. I don’t know where things are my fault and where things are her fault. I know I shouldn’t be talking in terms of fault . But I keep going back to my background, my screwed up background, and feeling not good enough.

We have been together for five years. We bought a house together. I’ve never met anybody as intelligent and is knowledgeable about so many subjects. She makes me laugh all the time. I care for her because she has a physical illness that is difficult for her to manage along. I genuinely enjoy her company so much I would rather be with her then go out with friends. There is so much to love about her. Otherwise I wouldn’t put up with this. I’m just looking for some direction

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi CPTSD guy,

Welcome to BPD family! I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad you found us.

It sounds like you are struggling with your own issues and dealing with your partner's issues as well. That must be very difficult and exhausting for you. We do have a lot of great information and articles here regarding tools that can help you better relate to your partner. I encourage you also to read the posts of other members here. I think you will find that you are not alone, and there is hope.

Some other members here are struggling with CPTSD as well, myself included. It is a tough journey, but we support each other here.

Do you see a counselor individually now, or just in couples therapy?

Please keep posting, we're here to listen.

Redeemed

[Purplex]

Hi CPTSDGuy, let me join Redeemed and welcome you to the family 

It seems like you are putting a lot of effort into getting better and keeping your mental issues under control. You sound self aware and empathetic towards your girlfriend and the influence your illness might have on her, you mention that you were (are?) in therapy and that you are open to talk about your issues in counceling. You care and you are trying, that's more then good enough in my book.

As I see it, blame is never a good approach to any problem or conflict. It puts the focus on the negative side of things, it offers no solution, no proposal how to change the situation. It just puts the accused party on the defensive and hardens the fronts.

She simply has said that she cannot take bad feedback.

This sounds incredibly difficult and stressful and puts a lot of responsibility on you. What about positive feedback? Do you adress things that went well, happy moments, etc. too?   

[Harri]

Hi!  I want to join the others in saying welcome to the board.

I too have the diagnosis of PTSD (though my T and I know it is c-PTSD) and have had a lot of my own behaviors that I needed to change.  I work on that in therapy but also over on the PSI (Parent, Sibling and In-Law) board here.  It is a board for people who grew up with mentally ill parents/family members and while many of us had parents with BPD, not all of us do.  We just had difficult childhoods.  Anyway, I just wanted to mention that so you can check it out when or if you want to. 

In the meantime, posting here on the Bettering board is excellent as you will get feedback about your own behaviors and suggestions on how to improve things at your end.  We can also help you move from a place of trying to place blame (I get stuck there sometimes too) to a place where being right is not as important as working through the issues.  Things can improve and we have seen many situations turn around even a few of the worst. 

So settle in, read, post and jump into other threads.

[CPTSDGuy]

 I’m sorry this is a little late, but I wanted to thank all three of you for your thoughtful responses. Yes, I am still in therapy myself. I had a borderline mother as well and that is where I got my complex PTSD. I can’t remember if I said that. I don’t know if that means I should go on the other board. She is dead now. Thank you and I will keep posting.

[Harri]

Hi.  I think for now, posting here on bettering board is the best place to be as you will be posting with people who are trying to improve things by learning communication tools and strategies and coping skills that will help you manage your own behaviors as well as when you interact with your girlfriend.

 

[hope2727]

Welcome you are not alone. There are many of us here with C-PTSD diagnoses. Keep reading and keep posting. There are wonderful people here with a wealth of experience. You are among friends.