Here goes...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I started dating C about 8 months ago.  The first month was euphoric... and then things took a plunge.  To make a long story short, I started going to therapy about a month in.  My therapist said my partner likely had BPD and slight narcissism and encouraged me to walk away (she is also an alcoholic).  It took a long time to do that.  She became emotionally abusive... I stayed.  She became physically abusive... I stayed.  So many red flags - and I knew I could not fix her... but I held onto something for some reason.  I hoped we could go back to like we started.  I vested so much.  By the end, she was telling me that we'd never be together and seeing other people some of the time... and other times, she was talking about "our" future.  After a couple incidents, I finally cut her off 8 days ago.  Since, I have been so depressed.  I have been working through the "stop walking on eggshells" workbook and it's really hard.  I recognize that I can't make things better on my own & that this is good that I have blocked her from everything... but I just miss her.  It's hard to work or sleep.  I can't go 20 minutes without thinking about it.  
How do I get over this hump and start the road to recovery?  Even when things were bad 95% of the time between us, it wasn't this hard.

[amk005]

I started dating C about 8 months ago.  The first month was euphoric... and then things took a plunge.  To make a long story short, I started going to therapy about a month in.  My therapist said my partner likely had BPD and slight narcissism and encouraged me to walk away (she is also an alcoholic).  It took a long time to do that.  She became emotionally abusive... I stayed.  She became physically abusive... I stayed.  So many red flags - and I knew I could not fix her... but I held onto something for some reason.  I hoped we could go back to like we started.  I vested so much.  By the end, she was telling me that we'd never be together and seeing other people some of the time... and other times, she was talking about "our" future.  After a couple incidents, I finally cut her off 8 days ago.  Since, I have been so depressed.  I have been working through the "stop walking on eggshells" workbook and it's really hard.  I recognize that I can't make things better on my own & that this is good that I have blocked her from everything... but I just miss her.  It's hard to work or sleep.  I can't go 20 minutes without thinking about it.  
How do I get over this hump and start the road to recovery?  Even when things were bad 95% of the time between us, it wasn't this hard.

[Mutt]

Hi amk500,



Id like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. Im sorry that you’re going through this a r/s break-up is really hard  the pain can be hard to put into words for people to understand but we get here because we’re going through it too.

I hoped we could go back to like we started

I hear you. I kept waiting for that person at the beginning to show herself again. It was so depressing when it kept geeeting words and and I kept wishing. The reality is that a pwBPD sees things in either all good or all bad and at the beginning we’re way up high on a pedestal and soon the cracks start to appear and that perfect image slowly turns into an image that yet again is not realistic because now we’re all bad.

You probably didn’t imagine that it would come to this one day someone that you loved so much is now someone that you have no contact with - it’s tough. I also hear you on always thinking about your ex there is no easy way. If you were still in touch with her it’s going to be more rough. Things have to get worse before they get better and they do get better but it’s hard to see right now.

Im glad that you decided to join the group. What helps  with healing for the wounds of a romantic r/s break up with a person with BPD traits is read as much as you can about the disorder so that you can separate  yourself from her behaviour and depersonalize it. Talking to a T concurrently with a support group is a huge part of recovery and no contact like you’re doing now so that you can give yourself the space and time that you need to heal because a pwBPD won’t give you that because they have poor boundaries and don’t understand other people’s boundaries.

Those incidents sound like deal breakers. Do you mind giving us the back story?

[hope2727]

Hello and welcome. I am sorry you had to experience that. I understand completely how that can't get them out of your head thing feels. All I can tell you is keep going. Its like an addiction. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. I gave myself "chips" like an AA chip. Well my friend started it actually. They were the little plastic liners from diet coke bottle caps of all things. She told me just get through the next hour and I'll come get you for lunch and then she gave me my first "chip". Many more followed until I had a jar on my window ledge.  It took a long long time but I finally found myself again and as much as I miss who he pretended to be I don't miss who he actually was. I also write out all the nasty things he did on a piece of paper and carried it in my wallet. When I missed him I read it (out loud if possible) and it reminded me of why I couldn't return. You will recover. It just takes time and a lot of support. Keep reading and keep posting.

Hugs

[amk005]

Thank you for your response!  
I have been reading about the disorder... and part of me just really feels bad for her - being that it's a disorder & she can't help it.  Not that she would ever admit to having a problem... but it's sad.

RE: backstory... we met online. She told me it had been about 6 months since her last relationship, but it was over before then.  I can relate to that.  When we met in person, we connected almost immediately.  I ended up staying over.  She told me that night that she was a "one-woman woman" and wanted to exclusively date me. I remember sitting with her on the couch the next day and she said something like "This is nice... my last gf, I couldn't stand to be this close to her...". I didn't think anything of it..She also made comments about how for the last 6 months of her previous relationship, her gf slept in the spare room.  Again,   I didn't think much of it... like it was just one of those relationships that didn't work out.  
Now - C is a HEAVY (binge) DRINKER. She'd often get drunk and just cry about various things.  I would try to cheer her up.  As time went on, that became more difficult.  I recall about a month in, sitting with her cuddled up on the couch and she said "you don't always have to be so close to me!".  this was strange, because it was almost always her getting close to me and saying "we really like eachother, don't we".  Anyway... after that incident, I noticed her on her phone a lot more.  Turns out she was texting the girl she dated before me (not her ex gf) telling her how she was in love with her, etc.  At that point, I left.  A few weeks later, she came back and said she was sorry and "that's not who i am.." and we started dating again.  That wouldn't be the last time that she reached out to other girls.  
The more time that passed, she became... cruel.  She'd make comments about my weight.  Even in front of me... at that neighborhood bar - she would tell everyone she was not attracted to me.  That's when the patrons at the bar pulled me aside and told me she was the same way with her last gf.  Other times, she would be so in love with me and talk about moving in and our future.  Eventually, the niceness got to be less and the cruelness became more.  At first I blamed it on the drinking, but then it got to where it wouldn't even matter whether she was drinking.  
A couple months ago, she started arguing with me about something (i don't even remember what) and I just thought it would be best to leave instead of having it escalate.  That's when she got physical.  She pinned me to the ground, pulled my hair... was punching and kicking me.  I was crying, begging her to stop... but she wouldn't.  
I left her alone for a bit after that - but she came back apologizing profusely.  We went back to hanging out, but it was not long before her temper set in again.  She was never again physical - but words...
Last weekend we had plans to go to a family event.  She blew it off, saying she had things to do.  Then, the next day told me she had company... she'd met someone really cool and I should be happy for her.  Never mind the fact that we have been sleeping with eachother and she had been leading me on thinking it meant something for a while... but she lied to me too.  That is when I blocked her from everything.  Now, I know I shouldn't think twice about it... but I had so much vested... I gave so much time, money, and energy... I waited for her to come around, it just never happened.  Part of me is still waiting... it eats me up inside.
I think back to how she talked about her gf before me... and I became just that.  I don't know how I could have been any different.  

[Mutt]

I have been reading about the disorder... and part of me just really feels bad for her - being that it's a disorder & she can't help it.  Not that she would ever admit to having a problem... but it's sad.

It’s suggested to read the material emotionally detached. You need more time behind you, the disorder will take less place in your life. You’ve probably already read that there are treatments for BPD? It would have been really sad 40-50 years ago but today it’s something different. Even if you’re mentally ill you still have a responsibility to take care of yourself so that means get help to treat your mental illness.

If you someone doesn’t want to get help then you have the right to protect yourself and keep your distance from that person.

I wanted to share some advice with you about waiting for that person to come back. It’s like Skip said you have to give up hope, the attachment to that past figure will cause you a lot of pain and a part of healing is letting go of that person, give up hope that she’ll not come back.

Think about it this way is it healthy to have a partner that idealized you all of the time?

[amk005]

Yes, thank you.  I understand I need to become detached... I am just having trouble with it.  That's sort of my reason for coming.  I have been in discussions with my therapist about this for months. He is the reason I now know about BPD and that she likely has the disorder. I'd told him before that I didn't want him to tell me to leave her - just how how to deal with her.  He compared it to a baker asking how to make a dish using poison... you just don't.  After the latest incident, I finally "cut the cord", so to speak, understanding the cycle of it all and not wanting to be a part of it. But - even so, detachment is so hard.  I hadn't been with her even a year and I feel worse now than I have after break-ups that have occurred after almost 10 years.  I don't want to work, I don't want to be around anyone, I don't feel like myself.  I find myself going through this workbook and seeing a different perspective at times... but it always comes back: she didn't choose this disorder. 
I like the idea referenced above about how to focus on the actual relationship and not romanticizing things to create distance... it's just not easy to do.
I don't want to fall back into it.  I know it won't turn out well.  I just do not know how I can keep this up before I cave.  I certainly do not want this to be merely a "silent treatment" to her... I just can't help but feel like she needs me.  She has burned so many bridges around her.

[amk005]

I can't stop listening to Dave Matthews song "Sleep to Dream Her"...
it's like this:
...I know I'll miss her later, Wish I could bend my love to hate her

but how? 

[Mutt]

You’re right detaching takes time I guess try to put your emotions to the side while reading the material.


Think of it this way are you looking at it objectionably?

Let’s take a look at both sides?

she didn’t choose this disorder

BPD is treatable and people can live a full life

What I’m trying to say is counter balance your thought by looking at both sides of something. If you lean too far on one side it can feel more hopeless or distressing than it should be.

just do not know how I can keep this up before I cave.  I

You’re not alone the group here is here to help you. I’d recommend if you feel the urge to contact join a discussion or create a new discussion on the board here.

[Lucky Jim]

She became emotionally abusive... I stayed.  She became physically abusive... I stayed.  So many red flags - and I knew I could not fix her... but I held onto something for some reason.  I hoped we could go back to like we started.

Hey amk, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Like you, I put up with emotional and physical abuse.  Due to my own low self-esteem, I felt embarrassed or ashamed to be the object of abuse.  Sad to say, on some level I thought that I deserved it!  That sounds crazy, but I was naive and lacked any experience with personality disorders.  Now I have a boundary: I will never again be the object of anyone's abuse.  That's a bright line that is easy to follow going forward.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi amk005,

i want to encourage you, that if you do return to the relationship, to post on the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board.

returning to the relationship is more the norm than the exception. if you do, you will need support, and a plan.

I don't want to work, I don't want to be around anyone, I don't feel like myself.  I find myself going through this workbook and seeing a different perspective at times

do you think you might be experiencing depression? over 70% of members arrive here depressed.

[amk005]

Thank you, once removed...

There was a cycle of me going back to the relationship, and I'm really trying to break that cycle.  So far, so good... it's been 13 days since I have seen her and 10 days since I told her not to contact me and cut her off from everything.  I even went to the extent of deleting our threads so that I wouldn't keep going back and pining over things she said that are sometimes nicer.

When all of this first started coming to a head, almost 7 months ago... I told my dr.  She put me in touch with a therapist... and they worked in tangent and put me on an antidepressant (it took a couple tries before I found one that worked).  Just yesterday, I realized I was likely slipping back into a depression and spoke to my dr and she doubled my dosage.  I just think I need to get over this hump, because I do recognize our experiences are cyclical and I've lost myself since I have been with her.  My friends tell me the antidepressant changes me into someone they don't recognize - so I don't want to be on it for long, but I really want to get through this.  I hadn't been able to function at work, and I go from sleeping 17 hours straight to staying awake for 36 hours...  it's rough.

To your point, Lucky Jim... I just got to the chapter "Brainwashing 101: How BPD Behavior Affects You" in the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook.  I'm beginning to realize that even though I thought I was taking her BPD pretty well, and able to brush off most of the negative... it's definitely sunken in over time. 

I've heard she's already moved on to someone else.  Part of me likes that because I feel like it gives me the ammunition I may need to stick to No Contact... but it really hurts too. Another part of me, I think deep under the surface, was hoping she missed me and would try to get help to make it work.  As far as she believes, she is not the problem, the alcohol is.

Are there any coping mechanisms that could be helpful?I'm sure you understand... my mind is a whirlwind.  I try to remember the way she's treated me and violated boundaries... but I keep coming back to how well it was going for a while, and how great it felt to be with her.  If I'm honest, I'm definitely broken right now - so I'm really craving that more than ever.  I've really enjoyed this site & all the boards and great information available.  I've also joined Al-Anon, because her drinking was a part of it too.  I'm just looking for anything.

There is someone else who is trying to woo me right now.  I tried to entertain that because I feel like it would be a good distraction, but I am not past this and I'm just not interested.
 

[Lucky Jim]

I've heard she's already moved on to someone else.  Part of me likes that because I feel like it gives me the ammunition I may need to stick to No Contact... but it really hurts too. Another part of me, I think deep under the surface, was hoping she missed me and would try to get help to make it work.  As far as she believes, she is not the problem, the alcohol is.

Hey amk, All your feelings and hopes, on different levels, are normal and to be expected, so I suggest you allow them.  I think it's helpful to focus on the here and now.  Is she currently getting help?  From what you are saying the answer is No.  So I think change is highly unlikely.  You don't need "ammunition" to stay NC; all you need is a desire to get off the roller coaster.  Only you know when it's time.  You're the Captain of your ship, my friend, and it's up to you to find the best course going forward.

Are there any coping mechanisms that could be helpful?I'm sure you understand... my mind is a whirlwind. 

I suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe, in a mindful way, without judging or trying to gain anything.  Spending time in nature is always a good idea, in my view.  Take a walk in the woods, or on a beach, and just be present, in the moment.

There is someone else who is trying to woo me right now.  I tried to entertain that because I feel like it would be a good distraction, but I am not past this and I'm just not interested.

Agree.  Your feelings are still too raw so I suggest you put this new friend on the back burner.

LJ