I look back now and I am shocked

[Invested]

Hi All, Invested here. Pearl, RJ47, Wentworth, TeaPay, and Once Removed,


I hope you are all well.

It has been a year since my last postings, needed to reconnect. Enjoyed rereading our chain below. Alas, my marriage is over. BPDSO announced a month ago that she has met with attorneys 6 months prior, rented an apartment, got CC and bank account and taking the kids to see her family coming up. All behind my back. Having been 100% transparent throughout our 24 years together, needless to say this was abandoning! Still, I handled it well... lots of good coaching with the DBT skills. Still hurt beyond anything I could imagine. Felt very betraying. For all I know, probably a boyfriend thrown in.

Still, done lots of reading and feeling. Thinking I am OK.  What I find absolutely staggering is the coldness of it all. It was like I'm a piece of furniture to her that has outlasted its use - being discarded. Literrally. I shared with her that this is something I would never have done secretly, which she knows, I would have informed her in process. Her repsonse, needed to protect herself. Seeing there has never been anything but love her way and certainly no threats either physical, mental, or emotional, just commtiment that I am where I want to be, I wonder where this is coming from... her need for complete separation ASAP is my guess. Didn't want to talk about it. Why would she, that is too painful.

At the end of the day, I beleive me becoming more present, not allowing the abuse (verbal/mental) toward me over the past few years, was the end. That, and calling her unlce out for threatening with sleeping with our then 12 yearold son, recreating opening old wounds was the end - none of her family even acknolwledgin my concerns.


Oh well, sad, however, know I must take care of me. Trying to think through just how I could have missed all the early signs prior to kids. I look back now and am shocked as to what I permitted her to do... my own dysfunction here.


Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I will be in touch.

Invested.

[once removed]

All behind my back.

wow. this is a real shock.

im glad you came back to your support system, and its good to see you again. i just wish it were under better circumstances. weve got your back.

have you made any legal arrangements? how are the kids holding up?

[Invested]

Hi Once Removed. I neglected to share in my post that she backed off the nuclear option and we met with a collaborative divorce coach. I believe the process will be collaborative. As mentioned, she said she went behind my back for her safety. I ask her today, where this fear was coming from, and how, even though it was a legitimate fear, it never materialized. Even though she went about it in such a secretive way, there simply was no eruption, from me. In my worst, feeling abandoned, I was calm and measured in my response, completely present. Not liking the content being shared, however, strong and present.

I offer her my acceptance of her decision, along with the comment that with treatment there is hope (perhaps in offering that it indicates me not having radical acceptance of the decision she has made) because this is who I am, transparent and honest. So that's where it is.

We are scheduled to share this with the boys next Wednesday when they return from a visit to her family. I think it OK to have "hope", however slim, providing there is acceptance of what will be and the hope is kept in prospective.

I just dropped them at the airport... hugs and kisses... my "I Love you" was reciprocated. with similar. Gosh how I hang on to any little glimmer of hope. Still, I accept next Wednesday's conversation and will help facilitate a smooth and quikc process if this is where she stays.

Thanks Once Removed.