Question for fellow scapegoats

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In ending my relationship with my parents last week, an eruption of memories from the past have come forth and I’m sorting through them. 

I’ve been cast as a lifelong scapegoat. One of themes I'm seeing from all these flooding memories is the kinder I was to my parents, the more they responded as though I was doing something truly horrible. It’s nearly a diametrically opposed match in effort.

Just an example includes inviting them out for my b-school graduation and separately for parents’ weekend.  Even got them t-shirts that said <my college> Mom and <my college> Dad.  My other golden child sibling had forbade then from attending hers.  During their visit, I was met with harsh stories from the past of how ungrateful I was for all their sacrifices and how all they had done had led to the great moment like my getting into the school and my graduation was. Basically, it was an attempt to take credit for the moment and denigrate my participation in getting into the school or obtaining my degree.

My question to fellow scapegoats out there is this: when you tried to make things better with your BPD family member, did you find it helped or did you find the response was even harsher than usual interactions?

[HopinAndPrayin]

In ending my relationship with my parents last week, an eruption of memories from the past have come forth and I’m sorting through them. 

I’ve been cast as a lifelong scapegoat. One of themes I'm seeing from all these flooding memories is the kinder I was to my parents, the more they responded as though I was doing something truly horrible. It’s nearly a diametrically opposed match in effort.

Just an example includes inviting them out for my b-school graduation and separately for parents’ weekend.  Even got them t-shirts that said <my college> Mom and <my college> Dad.  My other golden child sibling had forbade then from attending hers.  During their visit, I was met with harsh stories from the past of how ungrateful I was for all their sacrifices and how all they had done had led to the great moment like my getting into the school and my graduation was. Basically, it was an attempt to take credit for the moment and denigrate my participation in getting into the school or obtaining my degree.

My question to fellow scapegoats out there is this: when you tried to make things better with your BPD family member, did you find it helped or did you find the response was even harsher than usual interactions?

[hope2727]

I found it made them more willing to attack me even more severely later. Never again. I am not willing to be anyone's scape goat anymore.

[Notwendy]

It may not have made things worse, but it didn't help.

I think I may have figured out why.

It's not about me. It's about my BPD mother's need to be a victim. As the scapegoat child, I had a role in filling that need.

I was a good kid and wanted my parent's approval. As I got older, I stepped in as "rescuer" to BPDmom. She would be upset about something or want something and when I tried to help, it seems she would sabotage it, or try to micromanage it, or keep pushing me until I had to say no- then -- she'd be in victim mode.

Or, if I simply refused to do something she asked, or made a mistake, or misbehaved, she'd go into victim mode.

When I think about it this way, it seems to explain her response to me to just about any attempts I have made to do something nice for her or help her. I can think of several examples. Her car was in the shop and I offered to take her to get it. She refused to call the shop to see if it was ready. She complained that nobody would help her clean some stuff out of the house but when I went to help, she "changed her mind" and wouldn't let me touch it. If she asks me to do something and I say yes, then she asks again for me to do something else and keeps asking until I say no to something, and so the original thing I said yes to is now forgotten and she is "hurt".

I think that my role as scapegoat fills some emotionally dysfunctional need for her and no matter how I respond to her requests or try to be helpful - her interactions with me are about filling that need.

[JNChell]

Hey there, HopinandPrayin. First off, congratulations on your academic success. Well done!

To answer your question directly, no, it didn’t help anything when I tried to make things better with my parents. My experience with this is different than yours as I tried to hold my parents accountable for their actions. It only caused more pain as they gaslighted me and denied everything. I left the exchange once again doubting my reality and stuffed it all for a long time, and that didn’t turn out well for me. I didn’t know about all of this stuff back then. That was 2 decades ago. What I have learned since becoming aware and choosing to look inward is that I was forced to live and believe in a false reality. I’m coming out of that now.

I’m sorry that your parents have been so invalidating towards you. They may be a bit jealous and possibly experiencing a bit of an extinction burst as you continue to succeed. They may be viewing this as you pulling away from them. Many disordered parents view their children as extensions of themselves. Actual physical parts of themselves and can dysregulate when the child attempts to pull away and become independent. Do you feel like any of this might be taking place? Best wishes on your journey!

[Notwendy]

Yes, congratulations on graduation. However your parents acted didn't take away from this accomplishment. You graduated, not them, and you have earned the degree.

JNChell, I can relate to the gaslighting and having to live in an alternate reality. Mom would trash the house in a rage and the next day pretend nothing happened. Neither of my parents took accountability for her behavior. They maintained a front" mother is wonderful" and we didn't dare say otherwise. However, it was pretty obvious something was going on with her.

[LeneLu]

@HopinandPrayin, As my husband has observed, "Everytime you have tried to do something to get closer to your BPDsis, it has backfired."  And now that you ask the question, I would say "yes", each subsequent rage has been more intense.

@notWendy,  I have had a hard time putting it into words, but you are exactly right about the first time you say "no" to something, everything you said "yes" to before gets forgotten. What is that about? I am guessing it is a manipulation tactic so you never say "no".   They aren't really asking (even if it is in the form of a question) because "no" isn't an acceptable response...you really don't have a choice or they'll "get mad" or "hurt" or whatever it is they do.

[Notwendy]

I recently spent a weekend visiting with BPD mom and watched this play out. Despite the fact that we invited her for dinner, she made it so hard. This seems to be the sequence of events. She makes one sort of reasonable request, which alters the plans. I say yes. Then she steps in and begins micromanaging. It's this way...ok then it is this way...ok, until it becomes one big mess and I say that's enough.

Then, I'm the villain. I am "depriving her" of the nice dinner she wants with her grandchildren. Forget that I invited her in the first place and then, she took over the whole thing and messed it up.

But we go back to square one and invite her to dinner. At dinner, she starts to boss the grandkids around until I intervene and tell her that's enough.

Then she says "nobody has ever done anything nice for me".

But this is how it works, for her to be the victim, she needs it to go this way and she micromanages it to go this way.

I think you are correct- "no" isn't an acceptable response. She wants people to say yes all the time. I have done that many times. I was afraid to say no when my father was alive as I wanted his approval ( and to get that, I had to comply with her ) but her requests are not always reasonable ones and saying yes doesn't really work at making her happy for long.

[RavenWatcher]

Not sure how much I can contribute, as I have rarely been the scapegoat. I was usually assigned the classic 'good child' role while my brother was the 'bad child/scapegoat'. But when I haven't been very communicative and I start to again, there is usually a coldness from her. I find the only time that I renew more contact with my uBPD mother and she seems happier, better, is when she is actively scapegoating my brother. But her happiness never feels true to me, especially when I hear from my brother that she over exaggerates/lies about our closeness to my brother who recently decided to stop being NC with her.

What I have started to wonder is if the denial of love/escalation of anger whenever we try and reach out is a way of manipulating us to want it more. To want the love/acceptance of the parent. To make us more contrite and supplicant to them?

[Notwendy]

What I have started to wonder is if the denial of love/escalation of anger whenever we try and reach out is a way of manipulating us to want it more. To want the love/acceptance of the parent. To make us more contrite and supplicant to them?

Yes, it worked that way with me. I so wanted her approval and also because it led to Dad's approval. I became a people pleaser, which is not a good trait in the long run.

But what we are seeking from our parents is unconditional love. This is conditional "love". It's manipulative. It isn't love and even when we get it we do't get the love we truly need. I don't think they with hold unconditional love, I think they are not capable of that. Perhaps they didn't get it as a child. But I do think they use conditional love to their benefit.

I don't think the golden child has it better. In my family it is worse. For the scapegoat, we have little to lose by taking our own path. The GC has experienced the "love" from the parent and yet, isn't really getting the kind of love that is good for them. In my family, the GC is more enmeshed and has struggled with that.

[LeneLu]

Funny...I think I have had both roles.  I was a very compliant kid/daughter/sister, also the youngest.  I was GC because I was easy and became a people pleaser.  But, once I had my own kid and my priorities changed, I wasn't compliant and then became the scapegoat.

[Notwendy]

I wasn't compliant

I think that's part of it. Scapegoat has been my main role. However I have also been compliant. Once the grandkids came along, I got a bit of reprieve. My sibling is still the GC but I became less of a scapegoat and I was compliant. Once I stopped being compliant, I was back in scapegoat position. GC is way more compliant than I am but is starting to stand up to BPD mom more.

[madeline7]

No matter how much you give; it will never be enough. This is true in my family, no matter what "role" you play. It's all about my Mom, and she will never be happy. Now she is trying to use her advanced age as an "excuse" for her behavior, but she has been like this for as long as I can remember. I used to be the rescuer, now I am the scapegoat. But she is always the victim.

[Notwendy]

I agree. My mother has not changed in her needs or demands but her age now normalizes this in a way. People are willing to do things for this "sweet little old lady" but she was just as needy and demanding at 30 as she is now.

It makes me cringe to say no to an elderly parent. This is not what I wanted. But no matter what I do, it isn't ever enough and when she ignores my boundaries and the kids' boundaries and makes unreasonable requests, we say no.

I think this is what she wants as it sends her into victim mode. After a very nice visit she says "nobody has ever done anything for me that I have asked them to". How does one respond to this? The whole visit was about her and we did plenty of nice things for her.

The sad thing I realized is- after all this time- she has no idea who I am. We are as if we were strangers. She has shown no interest in me beyond information that she can use to brag or talk to others about. She fishes for information, doesn't ask out of interest.

Her friends see a different side of her, but it's her false side. When she's in her false self, I don't know this person at all. I don't even know what her real self is, she lies so much I don't know what is real.

This is my mother, and she's in her 80's and all this time, our relationship is about as close as if we just met at a party.

When I do something nice for her, it's entirely on the basis of my own ethics, I choose to do it ,but I think it doesn't register with her as something nice.

[madeline7]

When I do something nice for my Mom, she will still take the credit. When she was in the hospital, I brought her over a care package with reading materials, snacks, etc. When she saw the bag of goodies, she did not say thank you. She said, "I must have been a good mother, I must have done something right" Another time, at a milestone birthday party for me, she told several of my friends that if it weren't for her, they wouldn't be at the party (meaning I wouldn't have been born). Unbelievable, but that's her reality. Narcissistic is an understatement!

[zachira]

In response to your question: Most of the time standing up to the family has made it worse, though now my siblings with BPD and other extended family members seem at times to be afraid of me, as some of them seem to have realized they can't disrespect me like in the past. I have been very determined to no longer accept the mistreatment when it is very damaging, and I have learned to not make a big deal out of the less important issues.The family continues to fight me, somewhat less than before, though they abused me beyond belief when they found out after years of therapy, that I had become quietly self confident. I will be abused again, as this is the nature of the beast when dealing with the many people with obvious signs of BPD and NPD from the immediate and extended family. People with BPD and NPD will periodically have their melt downs and rages that come out of nowhere. I am now in a place, where I can better deal with the their behaviors, though of course, it is frustrating and hurtful.
I come from a family in which there are many generations of scapegoats, at least four generations that I have had regular contact with. I am the scapegoat of my family. I spent hundreds of hours while growing up listening to both my parents say terrible mostly untrue things about my aunts and uncle who were chosen scapegoats. I know of one family scapegoat that was chosen several years before he was even conceived. In my opinion, all the scapegoating is about some very insecure people needing to be the victim, avoiding facing themselves and how they are human (capable of making mistakes) just like the rest of us.
Knowing at an intellectual level that you are scapegoat, is terribly painful. It feels terrible to be mistreated by your own parents, especially when you have done everything to please them and make them proud. Congratulations on your degree and doing your best despite being so badly treated by your parents. Now is the time to begin healing from all the mistreatment. Going no contact with your parents will bring up a lot of pain and regret, about all the mistreatment you have had to endure. We are here to support you and help you heal in the coming months and years, for as long as you need us. There are many people on this site who are family scapegoats, and can understand how much it hurts and impacts your life.