Possible quiet BPD

[Garred27]

I’m not sure if I have bpd. I haven’t been diagnosed or even talked to my therapist about it yet. But I had some questions about it. I’ve heard a lot about splitting, but what I’ve heard doesn’t seem to fit me. I don’t think I really split on other people. But, for example, if I text a friend and they don’t text me back right away I’ll start to think that they hate me and are pretending to be my friend to be nice. I’ll start to attack myself and start to tell myself I’m stupid for believing someone would care about me. Is it possible to split this way? On oneself? Once the person replies I’ll usually be fine. This also happens more with the person I suspect to be my FP. It doesn’t usually happen with family. When this person replies to me, I’m usually very happy and calm. Once the conversation stops I kind of feel down again, and the feelings build until I talk to this person again. Another thing is that I have OCD and a fear of throwing up. I tend to self medicate with alcohol when things get tough, but I usually don’t drink enough to where I get sick because of the fears associated with OCD. In addition to drinking I also impulsively eat, drive recklessly, and self-harm. Although usually when I self-harm in the back of mind I’m thinking that I have an excuse to talk to my FP. I tend to hold off as long as possible before texting this person because I’m afraid of bothering them. When I think a year into the future, I can’t see myself friends with this person because I ‘know’ they’ll forget about me. Also, I have no idea if I have a pattern of intense relationships because I tend to isolate myself. The last intense relationship I had was a few years ago. Since then I’ve had acquaintances that I’ve kept at arms length even though I’ve longed to get closer to them. It’s a struggle to be myself around people and I never really seem like I’m fully myself. I also go through these periods where I have no idea who I’m actually supposed to be. I have no idea what my personality is or how I’m supposed to act around people. A lot of the time I’ll feel like God has forgotten about me and I’m not meant to have meaningful relationships. I’ll also go from hobby to hobby looking to fill this empty feeling of loneliness I have. I’ve gone from woodworking, to soap making, to knitting, to reading, to learning different instruments. I’ve tried arts and crafts, I have bought parts of book series that I’ve forgotten about, I have unopened packages of seeds from a garden I planned to start a year ago, I know bits and pieces of different languages because I’ve been on kicks to learn them. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Does this sound like BPD to you? I’d appreciate any insight. Thanks!

[Harri]

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer or a suspected sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking.  Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you well on your journey.

Take good care,

Harri