It can be exhausting being in a relationship with a pwBPD

[Cat Familiar]

YES.  This is what started the most recent crisis.  It was date night and, once again, he started complaining about how he walked in on his exW "f " his best friend.  They have been divorced for 22 years. 

Obviously this is a very sore point with him. It’s amazing that he’s so oblivious about how his repeated story affects you. Does he want you to sympathize with him? Or is he trying to use you as his therapist?

Undoubtedly this will occur again. Have you a plan for dealing with it, should he once again begin telling the story?

[Borderlined]

"How about y'all? Do you ever feel rundown just being around your loved one?"

Rundown might be the word on a good day.  As of late I feel a pit of nerves in my stomach and a feeling of overwhelming anxiety that kills any bit of ambition I can muster. This phase of life has been one of the roughest yet.
 

[Dry Bones]

Rundown? Absolutely. Just yesterday, I passed out on the couch for a bit after work. This was just thrown in my face later that night as evidence of how "lazy" I am. Her mood continued this morning and she took her rage out on the piano which I've had since I was a kid, destroying one of the keys. I suppose I should be more angry than I am, but I know full well that no objects are safe in this home regardless of any emotional connection.

Thing is, she was in a relatively good mood yesterday morning and afternoon, as her mother was over for a visit. Once the visit was over, it was just a matter of time before the mask came off.

[Wulphesse]

Yes, Cat, that's exactly what I've tried to do with my H: view him as an abused animal. A meditation teacher I listen to, Tara Brach, uses the analogy of a dog with it's leg caught in a trap. You see the dog, start to approach, and it responds fiercely. While the initial reaction might be aversion and "bad dog," once you see it's leg is in the trap your approach softens to compassion.

This works for me and prevents me from attempting to figure out who placed the trap, how he got stuck, etc. I find my brain likes to look for a "cause" for the BPD, and I suspect it's because I'm not free of blame, so I'm looking for another donkey on whom to pin that tail.

Even in the analogy, the person might still be very careful and discerning about whether or how to approach that particular animal.

I think this is part of why I too feel rundown -- or even RUN OVER -- by the end of most days. This TOTALLY captures my experience right now: 

As of late I feel a pit of nerves in my stomach and a feeling of overwhelming anxiety that kills any bit of ambition I can muster. This phase of life has been one of the roughest yet.

And the "phase" has lasted about 8 years, during which uBPDH's dysregulation has spiraled until it has basically become his steady state.

I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of an ocean. At one point I thought it was temporary. Then I started trying to swim to shore. Now I'm just ... exhausted.

[Ozzie101]

That's what I fear: a more extended dysregulation. H and I have only been married for three years. Last year, he had a period that lasted several months. I'm afraid he slipping into another now. (Which I detailed in another thread.)

I'm trying to be mindful. Trying to validate. Trying to be empathetic and supportive. Ignoring it when he makes comments that feel blaming towards me. And I'm doing much better than last year but still falling short.

It's exhausting and lonely.

[Wulphesse]

Ooof! I'm sorry, Ozzie. Exhausting and lonely hits the nail on the head. But that doesn't mean you're "falling short," by any means! The fact that you can see you are doing better than a year ago is TREMENDOUS! 

I think overwhelm/exhaustion/loneliness are reasonable responses for folks in our situation. I mean, it is a LOT of work to take good emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual care of myself; and that would be true if I wasn't living with someone whose ST is only broken by logistical negotiations, verbal attacks and rage.

It's only recently (last several months) that T (x3) ALL raised BPD and I started learning more about it. Before that, I was trying to make sense of my experience based on H's other diagnoses (BiPD and addiction). While there are some very important overlaps -- as other places on this site discuss -- what I'm seeing and learning now has helped me realize why I still didn't feel I was making any progress in my own attitude and approach to living. Recognizing the BPD part helps me accept acknowledge how very hard I've been working and why all the work I'm doing on myself hasn't lightened the dysregulation at all (I'm still not always in acceptance about it).

I can watch another driver spin out on ice, but I can't stop their car. I can only take actions to steer my own vehicle out of the way, and try to help D do the same.

Sometimes I get stuck, pulled over on the side and staring at the patch of ice and the approaching vehicle trying to predict or avoid disaster. Other times, I'm stuck, but at least I'm sitting in a warm car with a latte. 

I'm so glad you're here, because you and the other members of this site have already really lightened the burden for me.

[Ozzie101]

This site really is a Godsend. The fact that we can support and help each other is so vital for all of us. And, as my grandmother always taught me, when you help others, you also help yourself.

[I Am Redeemed]

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