How to leave a 30year marriage?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Briefly background: 30 years married and two children (18 & 14) we live in the UK .
I've always joked my husband was a Jekyll and Hyde, however, it is only recently I've realised that this is BPD he has a personality disorder (not diagnosed) and being able to read about this syndrome has been a revelation.
But how do you leave and break up with a BPD spouse who at this moment in time is not speaking - so is stonewalling  (or being verbally abusive) tbh I'm exhausted with this pattern of behaviour.
my question is :- How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to hear you?
I usually wait it out until this mood passes ? Also just to add he is still talking as normal to everyone else who comes into the house family/friends/workmen - we are in the middle of home renovation . Just to add I do believe we have only stayed together or I have resisted leaving because we are able to live sort of separate we have an extension - home office - to our house and my husband chooses to sleep in there . 
Any suggestions advice would be greatly appreciated from people who understand living in this situation many thanks.
 (btw I have never posted before anywhere )

[Bettyjoan]

Briefly background: 30 years married and two children (18 & 14) we live in the UK .
I've always joked my husband was a Jekyll and Hyde, however, it is only recently I've realised that this is BPD he has a personality disorder (not diagnosed) and being able to read about this syndrome has been a revelation.
But how do you leave and break up with a BPD spouse who at this moment in time is not speaking - so is stonewalling  (or being verbally abusive) tbh I'm exhausted with this pattern of behaviour.
my question is :- How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to hear you?
I usually wait it out until this mood passes ? Also just to add he is still talking as normal to everyone else who comes into the house family/friends/workmen - we are in the middle of home renovation . Just to add I do believe we have only stayed together or I have resisted leaving because we are able to live sort of separate we have an extension - home office - to our house and my husband chooses to sleep in there . 
Any suggestions advice would be greatly appreciated from people who understand living in this situation many thanks.
 (btw I have never posted before anywhere )

[EZEarache]

Have you ever tried family therapy?

A good couples therapist will tell you when it's time to throw in the towel. Then you can just say, "I'm following a professional's advice." That was what inadvertently happened in my case. However, there were some other extenuating circumstances.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bettyjoan, Welcome!  Jekyll and Hyde is the right analogy.  In my view, you don't need your BPD spouse's permission to part ways.  I suggest you do what's right for you.  Waiting for your BPDh to discuss it is likely to be a thankless vigil.  You could, for example, visit family or friends for a temporary separation to get yourself re-centered.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it: leaving a pwBPD is challenging, yet leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Bettyjoan]

Hi many thanks for replys , yes I've been and spoke to a therapist for about two years luckily just before lockdown and it was really helpful in raising my self esteem and she gave me useful tools & strategies on how to cope and handle difficult situations with my husband- this was therapy for me alone, my husband would not choose therapy he has a distrust for most things ... And in my head I know you are right when you say waiting for him to come out of his mood - which could be weeks / months - and discuss anything meaningful is highly unlikely - I will definitely take on board your suggestion of having some time away from the home and aim to make a plan of action, get some legal advice and a support network in place so I feel prepared as much as possible for what's next - I appreciate its not going to be plain sailing and I won't lie I'm nervous but one step at a time and this time at least I know in which direction I'm going forward - I'll keep you posted , thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated.