Help: BPD partner ignoring me? Am I about to be discarded?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Hey everyone... I've been really struggling the last couple days. My boyfriend went to a doctor a couple weeks ago and it seemed to help, he was put on mood stabilizers-- we were able to have health conversations. However we recently tried to revisit a very painful topic for both of us, an incident where he cheated on me with his ex. It wasn't physical, he explained it as they were talking on the phone and there were 'sexual elements' to the conversation. This was a little over a year ago it happened, I wanted to talk to him specifically about him still texting this ex on holidays, as he puts it a 'innocent text to say happy holidays'. Obviously, this upsets me. The conversation was actually healthy, we didn't resolve the problem because we had to take a break from it because we both were too emotional-- but it was a good step. It was the next day things went down the toilet, he was very sensitive in the morning and got triggered over something very small(me suggesting using bananas in cooking, which he thought was very 'weird') and he then proceeded to not to speak to me for awhile. I reacted badly after a certain point, I think I cracked-- not my proudest moment, but I was very emotionally frayed by that point. I didn't yell or anything like that, but I grew anxious and pushed him a little too hard to talk to me about what was happening with him. He immediately shut down completely, and said he had to get ready for work and hung up. Ever since (2 days ago) he has been ignoring me and hasn't said a word, won't reply to my messages, won't even open the app to look at them.

I don't know what to do. I want to make up with him-- I'm afraid for what action to take. This hasn't been the first time something like this has happened, usually he doesn't ignore me/avoid me for this long. I'm lost as to what I should do-- should I call him? I've texted him a handful of times, mostly to say good morning/good night because this seems to have helped us in the past even though he never responds, it seems to soften him a little. I've texted him twice for other things, the first requesting to talk which he completely ignored and earlier this morning to say that I cared about him, I was sorry for my actions, that I wanted to stay by his side and support, and finished with that I was here for when he was ready to talk. I tried to be as validating as possible, I told him I missed him. I know that this is the point where I should detach and just give him time to come back, this is what I've been told to do by a therapist.

Does anyone else have any experience with this? I know I should follow the therapist, but I feel like he's waiting for me to push hard enough for him, like he wants me to make him feel like I really want him by calling him. What should I do? Does it help to push? Is that what I should do? He's told me in the past that when he is angry, what he really needs is for someone to face him without fear. That deep down he is afraid of people, and giving in isn't the solution for him. What do I do?

I genuinely love this person, as everyone on these boards love their pw BPD. I just want to support him.

[yeethedonut]

 

Hey everyone... I've been really struggling the last couple days. My boyfriend went to a doctor a couple weeks ago and it seemed to help, he was put on mood stabilizers-- we were able to have health conversations. However we recently tried to revisit a very painful topic for both of us, an incident where he cheated on me with his ex. It wasn't physical, he explained it as they were talking on the phone and there were 'sexual elements' to the conversation. This was a little over a year ago it happened, I wanted to talk to him specifically about him still texting this ex on holidays, as he puts it a 'innocent text to say happy holidays'. Obviously, this upsets me. The conversation was actually healthy, we didn't resolve the problem because we had to take a break from it because we both were too emotional-- but it was a good step. It was the next day things went down the toilet, he was very sensitive in the morning and got triggered over something very small(me suggesting using bananas in cooking, which he thought was very 'weird') and he then proceeded to not to speak to me for awhile. I reacted badly after a certain point, I think I cracked-- not my proudest moment, but I was very emotionally frayed by that point. I didn't yell or anything like that, but I grew anxious and pushed him a little too hard to talk to me about what was happening with him. He immediately shut down completely, and said he had to get ready for work and hung up. Ever since (2 days ago) he has been ignoring me and hasn't said a word, won't reply to my messages, won't even open the app to look at them.

I don't know what to do. I want to make up with him-- I'm afraid for what action to take. This hasn't been the first time something like this has happened, usually he doesn't ignore me/avoid me for this long. I'm lost as to what I should do-- should I call him? I've texted him a handful of times, mostly to say good morning/good night because this seems to have helped us in the past even though he never responds, it seems to soften him a little. I've texted him twice for other things, the first requesting to talk which he completely ignored and earlier this morning to say that I cared about him, I was sorry for my actions, that I wanted to stay by his side and support, and finished with that I was here for when he was ready to talk. I tried to be as validating as possible, I told him I missed him. I know that this is the point where I should detach and just give him time to come back, this is what I've been told to do by a therapist.

Does anyone else have any experience with this? I know I should follow the therapist, but I feel like he's waiting for me to push hard enough for him, like he wants me to make him feel like I really want him by calling him. What should I do? Does it help to push? Is that what I should do? He's told me in the past that when he is angry, what he really needs is for someone to face him without fear. That deep down he is afraid of people, and giving in isn't the solution for him. What do I do?

I genuinely love this person, as everyone on these boards love their pw BPD. I just want to support him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the most important thing to do is often the hardest.

give him space. dont push.

doing so will only push him away, and likely, make you even more anxious.

for now, dont text. dont call. try to let things be.

work the anxiety out seperately - here, with your support in real life, and with your therapist.

[yeethedonut]

the most important thing to do is often the hardest.

give him space. dont push.

doing so will only push him away, and likely, make you even more anxious.

for now, dont text. dont call. try to let things be.

work the anxiety out seperately - here, with your support in real life, and with your therapist.

That's very true, thank you for your input. You are right; I will leave him be until he comes back to me in his own time. It's going to be difficult, but I will do my best to endure. 

[yeethedonut]

I felt confident after writing my last reply to this thread-- I'm not quite so confident now. I stick by the resolution to just wait it out and not push, I know that that is the best strategy-- I'm just here to express frustration I suppose. I don't have much time either to process my feelings, so I'll have to just be brief.

My partner keeps splitting on me; since we had that major argument three days ago, I have respected his space. He is going through a great deal of stress in his life, the argument also had to do with a major event in our relationship history that he is going through a great deal of shame over. I think part of it is a lot of internal conflict; he wants to blame me, but he knows he can't because I had no involvement at all in the decisions he made. It doesn't make sense to blame me, but he hates to blame himself because he then has self-hate obsessive thoughts-- he's stuck.

I'm frustrated because I felt like we were making progress yesterday, he spoke to me for the first time in two days. He was somewhat around for a bit online with me. It seemed like an overall positive step forward. He was even on a video call server with our friends for a little while after I went to bed(a good sign, it means he's starting to come out of his shell again). We had a positive interaction, and yet this morning when I logged onto Facebook I find that he's hidden his status from me again (always a sign that he is withdrawing/splitting). I understand he's going through a lot of emotional turmoil and making impulsive decisions to express his displeasure with me, but it just felt like stepping away from the progress we were making. I'm being patient and trying to understand that he's going through a lot of emotional processing-- it's a little hurtful and causes a bit of frustration because of that. I'll keep trying my best to just keep going and hope that he comes back eventually.

[bugwaterguy]

Good for you in sticking to your plan.

Have you thought about how you will react if/when he comes back?  It might be helpful to think about what he might say, and how you will respond.

[bugwaterguy]

Have you read "Stop Walking On Eggshells", "Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook", and/or "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder"?  That will be very helpful.

The tools will be helpful for relationships even where someone does not have BPD.