Having very hard time excepting finality of break up

[Brokenheart1960]

I am having an extremely difficult time accepting the finality of our break up, which I initiated.

Even though I know I’m supposed to let go and move on with my life. Those words are not helping me very much. I still do love my former partner, and don’t know what to do with that feeling when I have no rational basis for believing that the relationship will ever be restored.

I know in my head that something big needed to change in the relationship and I had hoped that a therapeutic separation would enable this to happen, and create the opportunity for a breakthrough. I repeatedly try to ask for this separation that was met with overwhelming resistance.

Finally, my partner began to devalue me and call me an abuser. I couldn’t simply not continue to our relationship in which my partner   has an abuser. I could not not allow myself to hurt someone that I loved so deeply.

Even though I knew she had borderline personality disorder, she did consent to get treatment with dialectical behavior, therapy and individual counseling and couples counseling. But a series of life crises disrupted the treatment and her commitment to it. Once that happened their relationship went downhill fast.

I read a great deal about borderline while in the relationship and struggles to understand it, and The limits of what I could do to help it become more healthy. I still have his belief. It’s very difficult to get rid of that my partner may be the ex exception rather than the rule – that she could be that one in 1 million person who becomes enlightened enough to do the work on her self needed , and to revalue our relationship.

At the same time, I know I need to let go, or my ego needs to let go, at least. Part of me chooses not to let go that part of me, which is my true self cannot, and will not simply stop loving somebody or a slam the door, shut forever on anyone.

Is there an element of fantasy in all of this? Absolutely! I am trying to wrestle with a lot of complex and conflicting feelings, but I do know that my love for her was real, and I believe that her love for me was real— that we were both doing the best we could at the time.

I keep thinking that she will never find anyone as sympathetic and empathetic and understanding as me to be in a relationship with the fact, I truly believe it to be true. I can’t look over the fantasy of her one day, waking up and realizing this herself, and wanting to reconcile, to work together to create what could be an exceptional relationship. I know this is very rambling, but I am really do care about her and I know that that the best thing I can do right now is to give her space and not to cause additional harm.  

I am continuing to respect her boundaries as far as communication, and this will never change. I know there’s nothing I can say, or do to cause her to have an awakening. I know the only thing I can do is to grieve the loss of our intimate relationship, and Move on with my life without her as a major presence. In fact, the best thing for me is to not think about her at all even though I do care about and love her I know this is so rambling, but I just needed to Xpress some of these feelings to people who know what I’m going through , I don’t harbor any resentment or anger at this point about her behavior or condition.

I certainly have discovered that I have major issues of my own to work out. I don’t find fault or blame in either of us for what is happened. I am obviously having a very difficult time with all of this. I wouldn’t be writing this message.

I guess all I’m looking forward to some support and acknowledgment of the difficulty and help that I can get through this in one piece.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums. The emotions you're feeling right now are completely normal and it is easily the hardest part of letting go.  I'm 14 months out from a failed 24 year marriage and at times, it still weighs on me harder than I'd like to admit.

I think the problem here, at least for me, is that I've always felt like I can "think my way" through any problem.  That's not always possible in relationships though and BPD makes it infinitely harder.

You posted in the "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup", so the advice you receive here will be geared towards reconciliation.  If that's not your immediate goal, then one of our admins can move the thread to a more appropriate section of the site. It was designed that way since different people are in different parts of their journey and it helps to keep the same type of advice in different sections.

Can I ask when you decided to break up?  That might help you decide where you're at in this journey and what your heart is telling you to do.

As you think about that, check out the sticky tabs at the top of this page to learn a little more about BPD and better communication tactics with your ex moving forward.  Also feel free to ask specific questions that members here can answer to give you a little more guidance.  Everyone is here to help since we're all on the same journey.

[Brokenheart1960]

Thanks for the very thoughtful response.  You ask some really good and important questions which I am actually having a hard time answering. I guess I’m a little confused about what I want. I decided to break up in April 2023. We have since maintained some contact, but at this point, it’s limited to necessary exchange of information no emotional content.  Early in our relationship, she would ask me with concern in her voice if she was sucking the life energy out of me. I usually try to reassure her that she wasn’t but there were times when I told her that yes she was anyway I don’t know if that’s relevant because she was willing to get individual counseling, couples, counseling, and DBT, I believe I had a reasonable, hope that the relationship might have a chance, but now I really have no idea I have had to except the fact that I do not know what she is thinking or feeling, and have no idea whatsoever what her thoughts are about our relationship if any. She made it very clear that she didn’t want to give me any reason for false hope.  I am totally respecting her boundaries and abiding by our communications agreement. What I’m trying to say is I’m confused about what I want. Part of me wants to definitely reconcile with her knowing that I have absolutely no power or control over whether that ever happens another part of me thinks , it would not be a good idea to resume the relationship because it really was so devastating. Whether reconciliation is possible or not, I think I’m doing the best thing I can do for either possibility bye simply being kind and honoring her boundaries and honoring my own boundaries , so I don’t know exactly which group I should be in can you help me maybe by asking further questions?

[Pook075]

Thanks for the very thoughtful response.  You ask some really good and important questions which I am actually having a hard time answering. I guess I’m a little confused about what I want.

Hey Broken, it's normal to be confused or conflicted about our feelings in any breakup, so don't think that you're the only one.  This thread would probably fit better in the "conflicted about continuing" category since you'd get advice on both sides- recommitting or walking away.

...I don’t know if that’s relevant because she was willing to get individual counseling, couples, counseling, and DBT...

That's encouraging since she saw there was a problem and was willing to get help working through it.  What happened next, did you guys ever get into counseling?  Or did she meet with a therapist?

I ask these questions because for someone with BPD, it is an incredibly long road before they have the self realization that they actually need help.  For her to share this with you, it means that she trusted you quite a bit. 

Think of this from the perspective of an alcoholic or drug addict, which is completely different from what your ex was going through, but it's the same type of healing journey.  Actively accepting there's a problem is a massive step that some people never reach in life.

I believe I had a reasonable, hope that the relationship might have a chance, but now I really have no idea I have had to except the fact that I do not know what she is thinking or feeling, and have no idea whatsoever what her thoughts are about our relationship if any.

In my experiences with multiple BPD's in my life, there's so much guilt, shame, self pity, and confusion just under the surface, they can't bring themselves to say how they really feel when the world doesn't make sense. So they suffer in silence because of their fears of rejection and as that turmoil builds, they begin to question the relationship and everyone's motives around them.  They think, "If I just change this in my life, things will be better."  But the part that has to actually change is themselves.

To know what she's feeling, you have to lovingly ask her after you've reached a certain level of trust, and it sounds like you had at one point. 

The same is true about restoring the relationship; it would start by rebuilding trust and openness.

She made it very clear that she didn’t want to give me any reason for false hope.  I am totally respecting her boundaries and abiding by our communications agreement.

A BPD's greatest fear is being abandoned, so they will push us away to avoid giving us the chance of abandoning them, which causes their greatest internal fears to come true.  I think of it as a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way because it happens so often.  If we're being honest, it is heartbreaking to imagine anyone living that way and sabotaging almost every relationship that they hold close to their hearts.

Respecting her boundaries is very important but at the same time, it would not be a mistake to reach out from time to time to gauge where she's at emotionally.  As I said earlier though, after six months the conversation wouldn't be "Hey, do you want to get back together and give this another shot?"  It would be, "I still care about you and want to see if we can find some mutual trust and friendship."

Part of me wants to definitely reconcile with her knowing that I have absolutely no power or control over whether that ever happens another part of me thinks , it would not be a good idea to resume the relationship because it really was so devastating.

That's good that you can see both sides of the coin here, and it may help to think about what would need to change in order for you to have a two-way relationship where you did have some say in the matter.  What would have to happen for that to become a reality?  Likewise, what would you have to do differently on your end to give the relationship a better chance of success?