Reconciling marriage with my BPD Husband

[RubyC@t22]

I have currently been separated for 4 weeks, moved out, and am just now speaking to my husband. His depression got completely out of hand - he is diagnosed BPD. However until almost 4 months ago, was in treatment and everything was fine. Since December, he stopped taking meds and picked fights. I could do nothing right. He even went to his 16 year old son to discuss our marital issues. I have no relationship with the teen now, and I feel used and taken advantage of. I literally was forced out of my home - either my mental health was at risk or my self respect was being challenged, he told me to leave. I literally felt worthless, I signed the dissolution papers, packed my things up, and haven't been back since. Now he has reached out to guilt me into counseling which I already agreed to 2 month ago. I love my husband and I know there are tools and boundaries I can set to ensure I don't exhaust myself when he is painted me black. Anyone else have a similar situation or some suggestions? I know this is very vague, but I am just looking for any information I can find at this time. TIA

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello RubyC@t22 and a warm welcome to the site 

Comorbid mental health issues can be so challenging. I'm sorry that BPD plus depression have impacted your marriage so severely.

It's OK to share as much or as little as you're comfortable with. We'll work with what you share, and while we may ask more questions for more details, it's up to you to decide what's OK with you.

I do have a few questions if you're comfortable answering them -- just to get a better picture of your situation:

how long have you been married? Do you share any children, or have any of your own (I hear he has one S16)?

Did your H receive the BPD diagnosis before or after you married? As far as you know, how did he take the diagnosis (accepting of it, in denial, relieved, angry...)? Does he also have a diagnosis for depression?

Have you been in any individual counseling for yourself? This is really difficult stuff.

...

It's good that you realize this:

I know there are tools and boundaries I can set to ensure I don't exhaust myself when he is painted me black. Anyone else have a similar situation or some suggestions? I know this is very vague, but I am just looking for any information I can find at this time. TIA

We can't rely on pwBPD (persons with BPD) to provide reliable, nondistorted, predictable, rational support for us -- how could they, when the disorder impairs their ability to manage their own emotions healthily? So it's great to hear that you are interested in taking care of your own energy levels and managing your own feelings when he dysregulates.

When you have a moment, take a look at our workshop on What does it mean to take care of yourself? -- what stands out to you, or seems do-able?

Fill us in, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[RubyC@t22]

We have been married since this past September, his 3rd marriage, my first. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship (I am 41) and he (40 yrs) has 3 kids, 16, 19, and 21. We met by introduction from a mutual friend a few months after the passing of my father. I ended the relationship after a month because it felt too much at the time, and then we reconciled last July and married in September.
He was upfront with his diagnosis (I believe he was in his teens/early 20's at the time when diagnosed) and has been managing his depression with various anti-depressants prescribed by his dr. He currently isn't on anything, and doesn't think he needs to be. During the last few months I was living with him, he would stay in bed all day, our sex life was next to nothing, and consistent arguing. I know from reading all kinds of books that there is a very good chance I am codependent, however I am a level headed lady with a therapist for a mother. This isn't my first intro to BPD, however I never have felt more at home with anyone else. I am currently in counseling and we are considering marriage counseling as well.

[G2thaFree]

Hi there, can you update us on your situation?
I too have only been married a short time to my hwBPD, the splits are getting longer each time and more frequent. His last split is going on two months now. He is going to therapy sporadically but taking Lexapro every day for past 3 months. His anger and rage has calmed down due to Lexapro (anti-depressant) but his splitting has only gotten worse.

In the past I've always done my codependent dance with him(because I fear abandonment), get him to come out of his split and be blissfully happy for about 30 days. BUT, this current split, I didn't placate him, I let him be, went no contact....and it ESCALATED his paranoia to no end! He ramped up his silence and stopped talking to my teen kids.

I'm realizing how I have contributed to this cycle of idealization and devaluation! He gets reinforced every time I chase him down and reassure him that I'm here and I love him vs. FOLLOWING up that care with "YOU HAVE TO SEE A THERAPIST or we will need to be apart until things get better!"

Thoughts?