Glad it was helpful!
So, that's what I've always tried with him, and it never worked. Because this approach fails, I rarely ever felt heard, and it has contributed to feelings of unfairness even more as I always try to do my best to make him feel heard.
That's a good insight you had. You tried "generally normal" approaches (like most of us tried at some point) that were not effective, and so you felt unheard. You have a need to feel heard, like all of us, and it wasn't getting met with what you'd tried so far.
Fortunately, changing your approach to communication is 100% under your control. You do not need him to permit you to change, agree with it, think it's a good idea, or approve. You are allowed to try something new and you have the power to do so! It is fair to recognize that you had a valid need, you tried to get it met, it wasn't working, so you will try a different healthy approach.
That does not mean it is a guarantee that he will actually hear you. Again, pwBPD seem to be significantly emotionally impaired -- as a feature, not a bug. This can come across in situations that "should be" low intensity, "normal" disagreements. "Generally normal" couples can navigate something like "whose job is it to sweep the floor" at probably no more than a 4/10 intensity. For a pwBPD, who is on heightened alert looking for signs of abandonment, and who has a skills deficit in managing his highly intense and wildly varying emotions, "who should sweep the floor" becomes a referendum on "who is better and who is worse, who will be abandoned and who will abandon, how can I use this situation to meet my own huge emotional needs".
It is likely that he may become emotionally swamped and pivot to emotional self-preservation at any cost, at a threshold much lower than "generally normal" persons [I'm using "generally normal" as a broad term encompassing a wide range of behavior, but not PD behavior. It isn't about "generally normal" persons are good and pwPDs are bad -- just differentiating between mostly functional behaviors/persons and dysfunctional/disordered behaviors/persons].
So there are no magic wands of "if I just try a new approach, that guarantees he will respond better". However, using more effective tools can help stop making things worse.
Another thought comes to mind:
So, that's what I've always tried with him, and it never worked. Because this approach fails, I rarely ever felt heard, and it has contributed to feelings of unfairness even more as I always try to do my best to make him feel heard.
Just like we can try "normal" ways to
share, that aren't effective with pwBPD, we sometimes try "normal" ways to
listen, that also aren't effective with pwBPD.
Tell me more about what it looks like when you try to make him feel heard. Maybe we can dial in some new approaches there, too.
...
What most bothers me is him not seeing the unfairness. He did end up doing more, but the unfairness was just hinted. I was still bothered, I couldn't understand as to why because he was doing more, and he was saying I wasn't treating him well because he did end up doing more so what do I have to complain about.
OK, good to know.
To me, that sounds like a situation where I'd assume that isn't going to change (this goes back to the fundamental challenges of BPD). Because pwBPD are so wrapped up in their own internal and intense emotions, they can seem significantly impaired in empathy. Just like if your partner used a wheelchair, he would not be able to walk even when it might be really important to you, your partner also has a limitation -- it just isn't as visible.
While yes, pwBPD can improve and recover with meaningful therapy (while a person who has lost a leg cannot just grown them back), that depends on if the pwBPD chooses to engage. Absent that choice, it might be more helpful to treat the lack of empathy as a permanent characteristic or limitation, versus something to be surprised and bothered by when it shows up.
Accepting that he probably won't ever see the unfairness could be a good first step. You don't have to fight to make him see any more -- you can turn towards what you do have control over, which is your response to the situation.
It would hurt to be with a partner who didn't recognize the reality of all I did for him. I would feel invisible and unseen -- it would be painful.
Working with your own feelings may be critical here.
If you can't get what you need from him (being seen, having your work acknowledged, admission of fairness/unfairness), you may need to build the inner strength and sense of self to
give that to yourself. Maybe you can live with being in a partnership where your partner doesn't admit to the unfairness of the situation... as long as you have the strength inside yourself to know the truth, and not to hold it against him (not to nurture that feeling of resentment or martyrdom or "after all I do for us, this is what I get...")
I wonder if it might be helpful to cultivate a mindset that is less "this relationship is being done to me" and more "I'm choosing to be in this relationship with my eyes wide open about his limitations". (Not saying you're doing either one, more speculating about what mindset could be more helpful to decreasing resentment).
Anyway -- lots of food for thought.
Looking at this question:
Thank you for the resources! I'll keep looking into them. Is the next step here communicating how I feel unheard using the DEARMAN technique? If yes, then that seems very complicated to me, to apply in this situation.
I think it will depend on what your goal is.
If your goal is to get him to see the unfairness, I'm not sure that there is any communication tool or skill for that. We can't change someone else's perceptions, we can only change ourselves and how we navigate that.
If your goal is to
try to get agreement about a tangible task/plan/change, then yes, we could walk through DEARMAN together.
If your goal is to communicate a truth, or make a statement about what you are or aren't able to do (where agreement is not needed), then SET can be helpful.
If you have another goal, we can talk through that, too!
