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Poll
Question: POLL: How would you describe your most recent "post break-up" communication with your exBPD? [select the highest one on the list that applies]
An attempt to rekindle the relationship - 43 (12.6%)
Continuation of the breakup dispute - 63 (18.5%)
Looking for validation/redemption (either party) - 54 (15.8%)
Keeping communication lines open - 88 (25.8%)
Necessary information exchange - 48 (14.1%)
Other (please explain) - 45 (13.2%)
Total Voters: 334

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Have you been in contact recently?  (Read 27461 times)
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Site Director
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« on: September 22, 2009, 08:19:31 AM »

Please Post and Vote
Contact with the exBPD in our life is often an emotional struggle. I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:
How long ago was the last contact?
What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?
What did I think the contact was all about?
How did I handle it?
If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?




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Tippy
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2009, 08:47:14 AM »

Last contact was a few hours ago.

He left a message to help him look for his dog who he says has been stolen (he knows how much I adored his great dane).

This purpose is validation, every 3 months he becomes dysfunctional paralleling the time he pulls away from his live-in girlfriend.

I have learnt to realise that its about him not me.  It has taken the year we have been apart to deal with it.  It sometimes makes me very sad and upset, sometimes I laugh my sox off... .a prior contact included his dead mother talking to him to tell him not to give up and we will marry one day!
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waylander
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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2009, 08:58:53 AM »

1st of june , walking between offices, there she was, a got a big helloo, i simply nodded my head , and kept moving forward, my other reaction to this is, why after 3 years does she want to talk to me now , we have walked past each other several times in the last 3 years  and sometimes she has avoided eye contact , then wham she wants to talk, i sent her emails when she tossed me aside they were all ignored , but then she had someone then even though he was long distance, then i hear she met someone else , get's engaged then calls it off, this i heard last xmas,i hear  nothing til this chance meeting in june , when she wants contact  . all about her when she wants to talk , not when i needed to talk ,just keep walking i hope i do this everytime
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Dani0613
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2009, 08:59:19 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

July 19th.

What was the contact

She called to tell me that she and her current gf had broken up. She apologized for everything she put me threw and said she needed to figure some things out.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I 'thought' she was having second thoughts and had realized some things about our relationship, for the better.

How did I handle it?

Foolishly. I started crying, she started crying. I was supportive of her break up and told her that she was wrong for going after unhealthy people to be with!

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

HELL YES. Why? Because I know better now. I know the truth to things that happened prior to this that I had no knowledge of originally. She doesnt deserve to stand in the same room as me, let alone have me answer her calls.
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sandyb
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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2009, 10:29:35 AM »

The last direct contact was August 2008.

Email, apologising for not contacting me sooner (3 months out) and to hope that I had met someone less cold hearted and crabby to have fun with. And hopefully end the "episode" as she termed it on a good note.

The email came just at the time I was starting to trawl through the drama, my t suggested that it wasn't really about me, and in fact it contained little regarding me or our relationship. My t felt that it was an attempt to justify her behaviour by adopting the coldhearted and crabby stance, seeking me to validate this or deny her opinion of herself. I really don't know.


I handled it rather less well than I would have liked, deliberated for a week whether to respond or not, my t I think was correct to say perhaps no response was required. I think for the best part of that 3 month silence I had craved the opportunity to have dialogue that I could understand and reconcile the unpleasant rift that had developed, I think I believed she would now at last be approachable and open with me about our split. In the end I responded, knowing full well I was damned either way but perhaps she had softened her stance a little. I had so many questions, confusion and emotion but I maintained that I respected her decision to end our relationship although I had no real undestanding of why, I asked her if she would be willing to talk and reconcile, to I suppose to validate me also. No response ever came.

As for handling it differently if a replay was offered? Toughie, at the time I simply didn't have the awareness and knowledge about the reality of the issues at hand. Hindsight allows me to believe that I would have had the clarity and confidence to express how unacceptable and indefensible I had found her conduct toward me and that the choice to treat me with appropriate respect, honesty and integrity was available to her. And I suppose that is why it's been such a difficult process in healing and recovery. I feel that adding to her already low opinion of herself would hardly make me happier. That was really how I got crushed in the first place, too mindful of her feelings and dismissive of my own, poor boundaries.

Pure no win.  
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bkay
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« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2009, 10:52:26 AM »

It wasn't recent (6 mos. ago), but it is something I still think about daily... .

He contacted my friend-seemed to be having a real epiphany- and professed this undying love for me and wants to see me, and hopes I feel the same.  It seemed very real.  This was 3 months after our "split"...

I handled it by booking him a ticket to come to my city (we were LD at the time, with plans of him moving to my city).  He said he was short on money, and had no access to a computer as he was in the mts.  He missed the plane from being hungover, rages the entire day on text,  tells me F you and never contact him again.  It was awful what he was saying, and I did not engage.  I only send one text back that day "that ticket was not refundable nor changeable."  He said "sorry, I was partying like a rockstar last night and missed my plane."  I wanted to vomit.  

The next day he says "guess you don't care about me" and a few days later says "are we done forever?"

And something about if I really loved him, or just did because he was good looking.  He had a bit of NPD in him.

I have been NC ever since.  Both sides.

If I had to do it over would I?  YES.  If I knew then what I know now about personality disorders, I would not have engaged him.  They were extreme words, but felt awful each time.  

The do over is I would have let me "be" and gone on with my life, and let him go on with his- a long long time ago.
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gary1958
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2009, 11:12:49 AM »

Received a blank email last Friday from her. No subject line, no body copy... .just a blank email with her law firms footer and her signature... .WTH... .Prior to that, lots of hangups... .Prior to this was an email ACCIDENTALLY sent to me last christmas with a follow up oops sorry wrong email address... .LOL

Incidentally... .Im 2 1/2 years out of the emotional rollercoaster ride!
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newlife3
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2009, 11:36:27 AM »

The contact was thru email re: divorce matters, ie: property settlement issues.

I was not contacted by ex-hubbie to recycle. His pattern is he does not "recycle"... .Once he's done out of sight, out of mind.
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elphaba
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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2009, 12:45:57 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? About 2 1/2 months ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  Text message and email, saying he wanted to get D14 something for her b-day.

What did I think the contact was all about?  Validation/control... .his need to contact a child that has shown no interest in staying in touch with him, but, somehow he still tries... .it was an attempt to make himself seem like "a good guy"

How did I handle it? no response whatsoever

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? Nope, I continue to refuse to respond in any way, planning on things staying that way.

Early on after our split I really let these kinds of things bother me, get me all tweaked out... .now, eh... .it really has no impact on my life, just an irritation in text/email/phone like spam or a telemarketer.  When we let it really affect us, we are still giving them power in our lives... .I've done too much of that with him, I took my power back permenantly.
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canadaguy98
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2009, 01:45:37 PM »



How long ago was the last contact?  5 days ago

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

her flipping out because i knew the telephone of her affair partner telling me to mind my own business

What did I think the contact was all about?

Her trying to keep me from calling him

How did I handle it?

Called him anyway, tried to 3-way her in on the call

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


I may not have actually made the call to the affair partner, we were broken up anyway in a way I perhaps should have just let a sleeping dog lie.  However I was compelled to find out something, anything that was true at that point so i'm not sure if I would have been able to do anything different.  Having her that angry I'm sure gave me a whole lot more anxiety though both the next day and when I got back from being out of town on Monday... .I realliy had no idea what i'd be walking into
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mindatrisk
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« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2009, 01:48:30 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

2 weeks ago yesterday.

What was the contact(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She rang - and I answered - and asked me if I had hacked into her Facebook account, since I had done previously attempting to find cause for getting rid of her, which I did, of course.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Well, I only connected this afterwards, but she rang on the day I ended a 23 day fast.  She knew the date I was ending because our previous contact had included me telling her that I didn't want any contact with her until I had started and completed my fast because I wanted the time to heal.  So I figure that she rang to see how I would respond - if I had picked up the phone and been, like 'HEY, Babes, soo good to hear from you!' then I reckon she'd have responded positively, but because I answered in shock and a little fear about talking to her and with no enthusiasm whatsoever I think she picked up on this and responded accordingly.  When I answered that I hadn't been in her Facebook (which I hadn't) and had had nothing to do with her for a few weeks she said 'good' and then said goodbye, and that was it, the last time she contacted me.

How did I handle it?

I'm not sure why I answered, although there was no intention at the time for long term NC, and I suppose I answered out of concern and maybe some curiousity.  I wasn't mean to her, I was just shocked she had rang and a little scared of having contact with her, I had also not eaten for 23 days and was feeling a little fragile, I guess.  Since then I haven't heard from her nor have I contacted her, in fact, I have allowed myself to feel and express (when talking to friends etc.) some of the hurt, anger and hatred I feel towards her at times, not because this is a path I want to continue down, but just to allow myself to be human and acknowledge what I feel without shrouding it in spiritual ideas that weren't doing a great job at times of resolving my feelings.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Not really, I behaved completely naturally, in fact probably more naturally and genuine with her than I have for a longtime, simply because I was caught offguard.  I wasn't deliberately cold or mean, I just answered her question honestly and went.  I'm not sure what else I could have done differently that would have been more appropriate.  Great questions, thanks for the opportunity to share this.  
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Desert
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« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2009, 04:19:45 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

Mid March of this year was the last time I heard from her, although I've since engaged in a handful (3 or 4) of indirect contacts with her sister and stepmother to inquire about her health as her pregnancy has progressed.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

It was a series of texts spaced mostly every other day.  The intensity of my stress and feelings of FOG increased with each subsequent message.

What did I think the contact was all about?

The first one seemed to be a simple effort to establish contact "Hi, I miss you and your string cheese l ol".  This was the first I'd heard from her after going NC about a month prior.  I ignored it and didn't think too much about it.  A week later I got "Miss you and want to see you".

Getting a second text so quickly got my attention.  I was temporarily stunned and felt the effects for the rest of the day and into the next.

Two days later "I miss you SO MUCH!  I want to come visit you"

Now THIS one pretty much paralyzed me for about twenty minutes, as I thought about how much I wanted to see her.  I suspect that it was a good thing that I was not home at the time.

I shall explain.  The ex lived in state "A", where I used to live.  I had moved to state "B" but at the moment of that text I was physically present in state "C" staying with my brother so I could visit my mother's grave.  I knew there was no way my brother would allow her into his home so even if I had been stupid enough to want to accede to her request, I couldn't have.

But I was affected deeply and was depressed for a couple of days.

Finally, two days after the previous text, "Miss you more than you know!  Please call me!  I'm having a boy."



The last one actually brought me to tears.  I SO wanted to call her!  It was a good thing I was driving on the interstate at the time, because I might very well have called her if I'd been idle.  I remember thinking seriously about calling her... .

How did I handle it?

In any event, I did not respond to any of these.

Looking back, I know that ignoring them was the right thing for me to do.  Even though the last one broke my heart, it was a "do or die" moment.  She had pulled out the BIG GUNS.

Some of you might recall that the baby's father abdicated his responsibility to my ex.  I remember when an older woman told her, "Tell him when you're getting your first sonogram.  He'll come, and once he sees it, he'll 'man up' "

I don't know what happened with that, but I KNOW she was using the same tactic on me.

And it came very close to working.

I'm sure that being pregnant took a major toll on my ex's income.  She had unwisely taken out a lease on a large, luxurious home that carried a $3,000 monthly rent.  Somewhere along the way she was evicted for non payment of rent.

I believe that her intention may have been to reestablish the relationship because (1) she was no doubt having trouble coping with her situation - being pregnant, alone, and having a reduced income to boot (and possibly without a place to live), and (2) as she'd so often told me, she always "felt so safe" with me.  

I recognize that there is supposed to be a lack of object constancy with them, and that would be inconsistent with this possibility, but I'll state it nevertheless.   I am virtually certain that I was the most accepting and supportive figure she'd ever had in her life and it would seem natural that she might be drawn back to what, for her, might have been the greatest sense of security she'd ever felt.
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Neal
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« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2009, 04:49:58 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

It was one year ago.

What was the contact?

It was an email requesting something related to the children that she was capable of obtaining on her own. She asked the same thing the year before.

What did I think the contact was all about?

It contained statements that appeared to be aimed at invoking feelings of obligation and guilt. She doesn't seem to want the item requested. It seems more like she wants to perpetuate her 'victim' role.

How did I handle it?

I did not respond.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would have put it out of my mind more and not focused so much on it. I allowed myself to ruminate ('What if?' 'Maybe I'm a horrible person.' to the point that I felt guilty, obligated, sad, and very tense/anxious.
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Matt
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WWW
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2009, 07:11:37 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

Today.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

(D12 becomes D13 today.)  ":)o you want me to bring over a cake and have a dinner for D tonight?"

Me:  "Uh, I can't do that but I can make her favorite stuff and bring it over there."

What did I think the contact was all about?

Pretending we are OK and all healthy and there are no problems.

How did I handle it?

OK.  By doing it this way I'm playing along with the pretending so that validates her, which is not ideal.  But it will be good for my daughter, and I won't have my ex in my house, so there is no risk of a blow-up.  (If she acts out I'll just leave.)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I should have proposed to have separate dinners before she suggested this.  I was caught unprepared with no plan.
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oneheadlight
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« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2009, 05:19:07 AM »

Last contact was a week ago. My exBPDgf and her new victim  parked in her car in front of my window at my work, sat there a few minutes then she gets out of the passenger side and does a quick spin, gets back in and they leave. I have no idea what this was about, perhaps harassment or was going for a face to face confrontation and lost the nerve. I just sat there calmly at my desk, framed the car in the video camera on my desk and hit zoom for a better close up. Perhaps she saw the camera and changed her game plan accordingly. I really don't think i could have done more or better, just document all occurrences. A week prior she changed her Email address and sent two messages. I have blocked the new E-address.
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« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2009, 06:25:03 AM »

How long ago?

Middle of August, almost exactly a month ago and a month after she walked. I had not attempted any contact whatsoever once the doorknob hit her where The Good Lord split her.

What was the contact?

Indirect voicemail Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 0330. Sounded like her phone may have been in her purse. It was garbled but she was

clearly having a grand old time with the fire water and hanging out with some guy. Twelve hours later, same thing. Lo and behold this happened, coincidentally (heh, heh), on the day we had planned to celebrate her B-Day.

What did I think it was about?

Not sure on that. Anger, hurtful, make me jealous, validate her? If anything she validated me with that little stunt. The night I let her walk I do believe she was bluffing to some extent. She asked me to take some clothes to her truck and bring up her backback. Almost like she was escalating her little show of packing/tantrum when I hadn't responded up to that point. I held my hand out in a "give me the keys" gesture. The look on her face and her fumbling for her keys told me she wasn't quite expecting that reaction. Rather than leave she went to bed while I cheated on her with the Boston Red Sox boxscore. It was almost like she was giving me more time, after her display, to stop her. Whether I could have talked her out of it she only knows. I was seriously considering letting that ship sail over the previous week, wasn't engaging the BS, so maybe she knew.

How handled?

Sent her a nice, heartfelt B-Day/goodbye e-mail the next day which was her actual B-Day. I made no mention of the v-mails from the day before and wished her well. She replied with an angry, hurtful e-mail that included some validation seeking comments. She also managed to gaslight the events from the day she left. I didn't bother to dignify that noise with any kind of response. Since then, I have gotten a couple of bursts of unavailable phone calls. Two weeks ago I got a hang-up from a cell# I didn't recognize that also had called (unanswered) 3 days after she left. Also got a spam like txt from a dating site two weeks ago. First txt I've ever gotten like that in the 5 years I've had that phone. Coincidence?

Do over?

No. My e-mail to her was my closure. When the airplane of love goes down there's one parachute. I took the chute while she was busy sabotaging the plane.

Race
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2009, 12:47:34 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? One month ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  He sent an email about some reservations we had made for an event in November, wanted to know about cancelling.  I responded via email and he called.  Wanted to talk about the house and getting "his" equity out.  Threatened a $50K lawsuit before hanging up

What did I think the contact was all about?  I'm really not sure!  One-third getting revenge and threatening; one-third trying to get me to take the bait and reengage; one-third dillusional that he has any equity in my house

How did I handle it? I was very calm and refused to internalize his abusive language

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  I would not have answered his call.  Anything on email can be saved as evidence, which is why he called I'm sure.  Or maybe I would have answered and starting screaming at HIM for a change. 

THe only way to win is not to play the game.
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jalk
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« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2009, 02:23:36 PM »

Last contact:  1 month ago

What did she say: Text "How are you doing"?

What do I think its about?: Her feeling alone and lonely (Smokey was out of town)

How did I respond: I didn't

What would I do different?: nothing
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numbr3
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« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2009, 05:28:12 PM »

How long ago?  1 1/2 months ago

What was the contact?  He called me.

What do I think it was about? Anger. Another lame attempt to cover his lies with more lies.  When I didn't believe him then he went into a rage about how sick I am, that I am a psychopath, a pathalogical liar, promiscuous, dangerous and on and on (an hour and a half)  Threatened me with a libel and slander suit, restraining order, I had better keep my mouth shut, he could lose his job because of me... .wanted to get together with another couple so I could apologize in front of them.

How did I handle it?  Badly!  Because I listened to it for an hour and a half.  I ended up drinking 3 beers while he was spouting this crap (unhealthy).  After I got off the phone I called a friend sobbing because he instills such doubt in myself that I am a horrible person.  In the morning I called the phone company and put a block on his number. 

What would I do different?  Hang up on him or not answer in the first place.  It shouldn't be an issue anymore.
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G.J.
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« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2009, 06:51:56 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

3 months ago

What was the contact?

He made up another fake profile on Facebook and tried to get me to add him as a friend so he could spy on me.  This is after I denied and blocked the first fake profile he made a month prior.  (Yes, I'm 100% sure it's him.)

What did I think the contact was all about?

General stalking.  He added several of his other ex-girlfriends after I blocked him.  Primarily, I think it's to find out if I (we) can be used as a Backup Girl in the event his current girlfriend dumps him.  I've since found out that he spied me through a mutual friend after our 1st break-up, and that's how he knew I would be vulnerable convincing me to give him a 2nd chance.

How did I handle it?

I denied the friend request and blocked the profile.  I then emailed one of the other ex-girlfriends that he had added to the original fake profile and let her know.  I also changed my phone number - he had been texting me too.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yeah, I'd get the cajones to email the rest of the girls as well.  Why?  Because I'm sick of watching this guy get away with all of this.  It's just wrong.  But I've been NC for 7 months now, and don't want to pop up on my ex's radar screen.
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trax
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« Reply #20 on: November 08, 2009, 10:16:52 AM »

I said contact - trying to keep me engaged, though I really think it was trying to HURT me.

How long ago was the last contact?  This week

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  Third party contact.

What did I think the contact was all about?  I filed for divorce when I found out he was trying to hook up with his best friends wife/my friend.  The message he sent along was that he had moved, and the address was this person's. 

Additional information on the situation: I found out yesterday that Husband still lives there too.  Wife works days, husband works nights, Xh does not work at all.  I should mention that Husband AND Wife have diagnosed PD's!  Volatile situation there.


How did I handle it?  Friend told me, I said "ok."  Then later I asked friend not to pass along any other messages from Xh.  (In my friend's defense, he did not know that xh had moved in with someone, it was just the address.  Of course, xh knew I would know exactly where/who that was.)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  No.
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« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2009, 11:17:01 AM »

Out of sight/out of mind.  I think she maybe had a moment of guilt.  Anyway, I really don't expect her to initiate any contact.  Our therapist (we are now each seeing individually) brought up the possibility of her trying to reconnect and continue, and he seemed surprised when I told him that I really don't expect that from her.

How long ago was the latest contact?



About three weeks ago (She ended it abruptly a month before).

What was the contact?

She sent an email that she had gotten my kids birthday presents and wanted to leave them while we weren't home.  She said she would do this at the end of the week, but I ran out to get something that morning and by the time I came back (two hours later), the gifts were already on the back patio.  All of them had "From XXXX" and "I love you" written all over them.  She also wrote personal letters to both kids saying how much she loved being in their lives (two years- lived with us for the past year) and that she wouldn't be seeing them anymore.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Honestly, I just thought that she felt guilty about the situation and knew that their birthdays were coming up.  She did really love them, which is also very ironic, because the biggest source of conflict between us was due to her need to try to control my relationship with my kids.  She could not handle the fact that they were not hers and she had to share any time with them and their schedules (I have 50% custody)  At one point during one of her less-than-sane moments, she demanded that I "treat her as if she were their mother."  At this point, its too early to tell what the presents are all about... whether it means something or not.  She vacillates between very giving to totally selfish.

How did I handle it?

At first, I answered her email with a quick "thank you for thinking of them," and told her that my daughter (age 6) had been asking about her a lot and drawing pictures of her "family," always including her in them.  I said that I wasn't sure what was best as far as any contact (phone) with the kids and that I might ask our T.  

She responded saying that just because "we couldn't make things work" that didn't mean that she didn't still love us and think about us every day.  Well, because of how things went down, with her leaving out of the blue, this phrase really rubbed me the wrong way.  I responded with a lengthy explanation of why things didn't "work out" using her own words she had written about how she has repeatedly left relationships and pushed people away due to her "personality."  I felt the need to try to set the record straight.  Not that it would actually stick with her very long.  I told her also that I felt she should have no more contact with the kids, as it would be confusing for them.  

If I got a "go over" would I do it differently?  Why?



Hmmm... .I just reread my last reply to her.  I thought that it might make me feel guilty, like I wasn't taking the high road, which was my intent all along.  But, no.  I actually feel very satisfied with what I wrote.  It wasn't mean, just very direct and very true.  It describes the truth of our relationship and its end in a way that I know she knows to be true deep down.  So I broke NC for it... .but it was the last contact we've had, and it feels as much like a source of closure as I'm likely to find.
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outofzone
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« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2009, 02:05:04 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

3 months ago

What was the contact?

A message on FB saying "Happy birthday - I hope you had a good birthday this year"

What did I think the contact was all about?

That was the first time I hear from her in 4 month after we had a big confrontation and she asked for NC. I really don't know what to think of it. she had just got married and got pregnant a couple of month before that contact. So I thought she just wanted to say happy birthday!

How did I handle it?

I thought about not responding but I figured I shouldn't let her dictate changes to how I usually behave. So I sent a message back saying "Thank you, I had a blast. I hope you are well"

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



Yes I probably should've just ignored her. It was her birthday a month after that contact and I sent her an email saying "Happy birthday, I hope you have a great year ahead" and she didn't respond. I don't want anything from her and i believe she doesn't want anything from me either. I was just trying to be civil. I guess i forgot for a second who I am dealing with. She is crazy!
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kevmo1967
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What is your relationship status with them: seperated
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« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2009, 02:32:49 PM »



How long ago was the last contact?

it was 2 days ago.

What was the contact?

She came over, unannounced. she said she wanted to talk to me about splitting some furniture up. She now has anew job in city an hours drive away ,and is looking to relocate.(she has Narcolepsy, so an hour is a long commute for her to handle)

What did i think the contact was all about?

I put the reason down in the poll as looking for validation, but she would see it as informational, only about picking up the furniture. i think she wanted me to acknowledge that she is doing OK now, getting a job and a place to stay. I am optimistic for her, but wary. She still needs to pass a credit check to get the apartment. This is unlikely, and if that falls through, she will probably be so depressed she will screw up the new job as well. new employers are not very forgiving on tardys and such in your first 90 days.

How did I handle it?

I was polite but kept my tone as optimistic for her, but totally disinterested . I also turned down an offer of sex. found out she is now sleeping with yet another guy, (even though she wanted to have sex with me when she first came in) this makes the 3rd guy since July, but she tells me ? she is not being promiscuous? I guess it doesn't count as being slutty if the men are not complete strangers but people you know? I tried to tell her she should probably try relating to new men in a non-sexual way for awhile... .She said she doesn't know how... .very sad :'( for her. meanwhile, she left, I'm still here, unfazed and not wanting to get back with her at all.


If i got a "do-over" would i handle it differently? Why?

I am happy with the way I handled it.

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lifeisgoodx10
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What is your relationship status with them: divorced
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« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2010, 09:01:43 AM »

Excerpt
Contact with the pwBPD in or life is often a huge struggle.

I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

Yesterday and everyday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

text message (Good Morning I love you)  I have since blocked the number and gotten a new iPhone

What did I think the contact was all about?

Keeping me engaged (I went NC Last Monday)

How did I handle it?

ignored it and blocked number

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would not have given in last september

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GodofNietzsche
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« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2010, 09:07:38 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

This past Friday and Saturday

What was the contact?

Text and the a phone call.

What did I think the contact was all about?

She wants to be friends.  She probably is going through a hard time and remembers all the times I was there for her (probably during one of the toughest periods of her life, at the end of which she threw me away like a piece of garbage).

How did I handle it?

Didn't answer.  Erased the text and the call log.

No.  Even though for the longest time I've waited for her to contact me to tell her off, and I knew it wasn't best for me, and I also just don't have it in me to be mean to her.  She's too pitiful.
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Satori1964
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« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2010, 09:58:15 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?  

12/17/2009.  She took me out for my 'birthday dinner'.  She had told me several months before hand that she wanted to take me out for my birthday.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Dinner, where she essentially dished out her perverse sense of justice.  Here are the gory details.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=109242.msg1071832#msg1071832


What did I think the contact was all about?

I think, better said, feel that it was her way of telling me that she is angry, frustrated and hurt that I have not been there when expected me to be there for her and that it was her way of punishing me for making her feel that way.  Mind you, last July she told me that she wanted to be "just friends".  She had planned this 'birthday dinner' all along and can not help but think that she felt that justice was done, that as per her words "... .you had to hear this... ."  


How did I handle it?

Oddly enough, I said very little that evening.  As much as it hurt, I took her emotional blows.  I kept thinking don't lower yourself to her level and that she is really sick.  Her rage that night confirmed what I suspected all along that she has extremely deep seeded emotional problems and that she very likely has BPD.  At then end I quietly turned around and walked out of her life.  There was no good-bye, see you later or anything else.  Nothing.  It was a bitter sweet ending to an emotional quagmire.  


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

As strange as it may sound I would not change anything.  She finally confirmed to me what I had suspected all along.  It was the moment of clarity that I finally needed.  It was my final breaking point and that is all good.  I went NC and will never look back.  I am so happy it is finally over.  
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vanilla_essence
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What is your relationship status with them: Single.
Posts: 332



« Reply #27 on: January 11, 2010, 10:29:41 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?  

It was today by email. We split over 3 weeks ago. It's been a mixed contact both good and bad. I always try and be nice but somehow like it did in the r/ship it seems to turn sour.

This is how it started (this is her first email):

"I hope one day we can wrap this up and say goodbye decently. I hope you understand that I couldn't go from it being over and not seeing you to a sudden mention of seeing you. It matters to me that things are settled rationally but I can't be jerked like that at the last minute for one thing and the break-up is too new and what if we hurt each other emotionally again at this point, I doubt we could take it. Today has been absolutely horrendous. I'm finding this sudden cutoff then emails then cutoff very confusing and hard. I know it's over and I'm lost in a jungle of feelings. I hope all of this dies down. Anyway I wanted to acknowledge all the things you said yesterday before the conversation went to hell. I'm sorry it went that way. And you aren't dead to me I'm just hurting. Well that's what I wanted to say."

I find this email very confusing



What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?


Email. She had tried to call me. I didn't answer on my mobile and she rang my place but I was out.


What did I think the contact was all about?

I don't really know. Just a way of staying in contact. There's a mixture of all sorts of messages coming from the contact. I clicked on "other" cos it could have been validation, blame, anger, regret... .or quite simply trying to understand.


How did I handle it?

Just tried to be as nice as I could. I gave her the chance to tell me exactly why I hurt her so much. I asked for specific details. She said she would compile a list. I'm curious to know what she'll come up with.


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

This could well an attempt at a future do-over. I would like to know what she really thinks I did that was hateful as she put it.
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SoMuchPain
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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WWW
« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2010, 12:22:59 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?  almost a week ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  she sent me some sort of FWD joke text, after 10 days of not hearing from her. 

What did I think the contact was all about?  i had no idea, i assumed she sent it to everyone in her phone

How did I handle it?  i of course replied, and told her i missed her (i had told her before but she hadnt responded).  this time she responded asking how i was, etc.  she got me talking again, like she always does, and then dropped the bomb that she fell back in love with her ex in the past 10 days.  im pretty sure this is the only reason she contacted me to begin with.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  i have no idea.  i have no idea what to do, how to handle anything at this point.  i am beyond hurt.  good for her.
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C12P21
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« Reply #29 on: February 02, 2010, 11:04:18 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? Yesterday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?email (thought it was blocked different email address) The email was about setting parameters around friendship

What did I think the contact was all about? To control me -I'll be your friend and leave a carrot dangling in front of you. 

How did I handle it? First email was to thank him for his honesty but this is hard for me.   Second email I sent-I am confused, please do not contact me again, it is in my best interest to decline your offer of friendship.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I tried to discuss the friendship aspect of the relationship and realized it was only confusing me more. Sending the goodbye and leave me alone makes me feel much better. I suspect I will never hear from him again. If I do, my clear "leave me alone" reduces the apprehension I would feel to not respond. I owe him nothing, I have been clear. It's over, no avenue for any kind of a relationship.
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