4.10 | Positive Entitlement - Taking The Initiative To Share In Life's Riches

[blackandwhite]

Step 15 of the Survivors' Guide (found on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law Board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0) says:

I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.

A simple statement, yet for many who were raised in a BPD environment, one that is hard to take to heart. In this workshop, we will discuss:

• Positive entitlement--what is it?

• How being raised in a BPD environment can impact our self-esteem

• How to evaluate areas of self-esteem to work on

• Tools to help us embrace and act on positive entitlement

[/list]

This topic is very personal, as it gets at how we measure our own self-worth--and how the way we live reflects that measure. This is an action-oriented workshop and participants are encouraged to post results of exercises or share responses and action plans, and to support others doing the same. The workshop is also a place to discuss larger issues related to the impact of being raised in a BPD environment on self-esteem.

What's your definition of "positive entitlement"? How might "positive entitlement" relate to your life?

[anker]

positive entitlement would mean that my needs are respected of not met, that I feel safe asking for things whether emotional or physical. This would make a huge difference in my relationships, I'd feel much more relaxed with myself and others

[joiesophie]

This is really hard for me.  I want to give the 'right' answer, but I know that this is not a quiz.  And there isn't a 'right' answer  - just the definition I have for me.  All you asked for was what positive entitlement means to me.

The concept is SO important and was so long denied, that I'm actually anxious about posting my response.  My stomach is doing loop de loops - wow.      

Positive entitlement means that I deserve to have good things happen because I'm on the planet. 

Here's the loop de loop : I'm worried that you're going to pick on this definition because it could sound selfish.   


First, I need to define what it's not :

It means I don't have to be at the end of the line, I don't have to take the piece of cake with the frosting that is smushed and give the 'good' piece to someone else (unless I smushed the cake), I don't have to put everyone else's wants needs and desires before my own all the time.

Now, here's what I think it is:

I get to be in line - where ever that may be - but I don't have to let everyone else go first 'just because'.  I can take a piece of cake and choose a 'good' whole piece, I can seek my own way and not expect to be denied.

I'm posting before I lose my gumption.

js

[blackandwhite]

Joiesophie--for you:

positive entitlement would mean that my needs are respected of not met, that I feel safe asking for things whether emotional or physical. This would make a huge difference in my relationships, I'd feel much more relaxed with myself and others

Great point, anker! Lacking positive entitlement perhaps us puts on edge in our relationships. Can you explain a bit more about why you think this happens?

B&W

[anker]

I think I've been shown that my needs are outlandish. Even though they're actually normal. I've been around disorder so much that I feel like I have to do evwrything and expecting anything in return just... .like rather than meet my needs they'd rather just be rid of me. I've begun to think withholding and the silent treatment is just... .what I have to deal with to have a relationship. With my parents this was the case for a long time and in most of my love relationships its been the case. I do the talking and giving and compromising... .and when I ask for something in return it starts to go sour

[methinkso]

For me, positive entitlement can be very important.

Positive entitlement:

A life free of slander.

A life free of suspicion.

A life free of being 'projected 'upon''.

A life where who I am is not played with or distorted.

A life where sharing and giving is reciprocated and mutually appreciated.

A life that is free of psychological bills that don't belong to me; a life free of toxic people.

[pollystupidanna]

One thing I noticed but have not yet fully explored is this:

My uBPDh feels unworthy of all that he is given (love, admiration, etc)

Yet he feels ENTITLED to the things he doesn't deserve (money for stupid things when we can't even make rent-because his condition makes him so physically sick he can't work)

Yet, I am worthy of much that is NOT given to me (Amen)

But feel I am not entitled to what I deserve... .

Go figure.

Food for thought, my therapist and I are chewing on this one... .

[blackandwhite]

Great stuff! Interesting thoughts on entitlement versus worthiness, pollystupidanna.

We have some working definitions going here (and absolutely, no single right answer  ):

Positive entitlement means that I deserve to have good things happen because I'm on the planet. 

positive entitlement would mean that my needs are respected of not met, that I feel safe asking for things whether emotional or physical.

A life free of slander.

A life free of suspicion.

A life free of being 'projected 'upon''.

A life where who I am is not played with or distorted.

A life where sharing and giving is reciprocated and mutually appreciated.

A life that is free of psychological bills that don't belong to me; a life free of toxic people.

I feel that when I accomplish something or do something that boost my self esteem then that is the postive entitlement.  I deserve to feel good about what I have accomplished or what I have over come.

I tend to think of this in terms of what I did NOT feel entitled to growing up, and turn it around.

I felt I did not deserve to take up space in this world.

I felt I did not deserve to have my voice heard.

I felt I did not deserve to have needs, much less wants.

I felt I did not deserve to stand out for my unique talents.

I felt I did not deserve to seek my own happiness.

I felt I did not deserve to be loved for who I am rather than what I could do for someone else.

Turning it around... .

Positive entitlement for me means I believe I deserve to take up space, have my voice heard, have needs and wants, stand out for my unique talents, seek my own happiness, and be loved for who I am.

[blackandwhite]

Excerpt from Surviving the Borderline Parent, by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

A Sense of Entitlement

The term sense of entitlement often has a negative connotation, as when someone has the audacity to believe they deserve something that they don't. But particularly where happiness and contentment are concerned, some amount of feeling entitled is healthy. If your self-esteem is low, however, it may be hard to feel entitled to anything.

Jaime recalls how, because of her low self-esteem, she felt undeserving. "It came out in material ways--I wouldn't hesitate to buy nice gifts for friends and family and make donations to all kinds of organizations, but when it came to spending money on myself, I was a real miser. Most of my wardrobe was outdated, but it didn't seem worthwhile to replace my clothes. My furniture was from graduate school (ten years earlier), but that seemed passable too. My desk was a folding table and thrift shop bargain, and they were also adequate. But I had the money to replace all of these things. Slowly, after working on feeling better about myself, I realize that it was worthwhile to replace this stuff with things I would enjoy. I didn't have to settle for adequate and passable--I could have a closet, living room, and office that I actually love to walk into."

Exercise:

Take an inventory of your life. Where does your lack of entitlement show? It might be in material things, like clothes or items around the house as in Jaime's example. It might be in how you care for yourself. It might be in your expectations of others or your behavior at work when it comes to pursuing a raise or opportunity.

Focus on one area that reveals a lack of entitlement. Wipe that slate clean in your mind for moment.

Now visualize what that area would look like if you truly believed you deserved something wonderful. Picture it in detail. Write about it if possible. What's changed?

[joiesophie]

Exercise:

Take an inventory of your life. Where does your lack of entitlement show? It might be in material things, like clothes or items around the house as in Jaime's example. It might be in how you care for yourself. It might be in your expectations of others or your behavior at work when it comes to pursuing a raise or opportunity.

Focus on one area that reveals a lack of entitlement. Wipe that slate clean in your mind for moment.

Now visualize what that area would look like if you truly believed you deserved something wonderful. Picture it in detail. Write about it if possible. What's changed?

Okay, the gumption 's here - the cake helped a lot!

This is actually something I'm working on - I wanted to be an artist.  But I didn't get a chance.  Once I hit middle school - I changed schools and art was either painful in school or didn't exist at all.  And so I didn't either.  Tried an art class a couple years ago - but my skills and my world is still back in 6th grade and frozen in time and terror.  

Just a couple days ago, I actually fell asleep thinking of something I WANTED to do - that would make me happy  - a major change from replaying the frustrations of the day... . I want to have an art studio in my house!   My house is set up is similar to what my parents' house was - and my sister had the run of the 'upstairs'.  (oh that 'word' just strikes   in me.   So, I don't use my 'upstairs'.  Even though it's mine and I'm ENTITLED TO IT.  

So, now, I'm in the process of finding an art therapist - (with my T's supprt ) to help me start on what I want to do.  Even went looking at art suppplies - and got a wee bit panicky - but that's okay.  That's why I need/want an art therapist to help me.  

This is gonna take time... .

js

[tryintogetby]

This is so appropriate for me right now.     I do the same thing with material goods (not expecting the best for me) and now that I really want to accomplish something with my career/art, I'm SCARED TO DEATH! FREAKING TERRIFIED!   I need help with this.  Badly.  I'm glad I have a T. appt next week. 

An example of negative entitlement: This is TWO YEARS after I discovered BPD in my mother.  I was napping after the birth of my second child (also something I had given myself permission to do!) and the sheets were bunched up in an uncomfortable way under my shoulder.  I thought, "It's no big deal--you can handle it."  WTHeck?  It's my house, my bed, and I can sleep on soft, comfy sheets! 

It took me 2 years to get up the nerve to replace an old, ratty comforter with a new, pretty bed set. 

Anyway, please pray for me today, and as many days as you remember, as I try to deal with these issues and take a new step in my art. 

Sincerely,

TTGB 

[justhere]

I think my problems with positive entitlement have to do with having anything for myself that goes right from basic health issues to the finer things of life.  I know that at one time I had everything I wanted and had a good job, property, vacations, but I felt guilty like I didn't deserve to have those things. 

Then I got divorced and used whatever money I had to give my children what I could.  It really hurt me that I couldn't give them more of the things I could have if things would have been different. I felt so guilty for being a single mom of 3+1 as we went right from an upper middle class life in a good area of the suburbs to a life of poverty in the slum areas of town and all the problems that came out of that.

I've recently realized that I have big issues with money, in the past and now.  I really don't like money or want it as I don't trust it anymore and if I get any I get rid of it as soon as I can.  Even if I have a few dollars in my bank account, it bothers me and I feel guilty that I'm not giving it to my children or Haiti or what ever.

Sometimes I think of what it would be like if I just just feel normal about this and allow myself to have the security that money could give me even with my limited income. I really don't understand this as I haven't thought it through yet but maybe it stems from my mom's views and growing up poor but I'm starting to see how this all fits together and would love to be able to have a few pennies in the bank without feeling guilty.

As for my health, I've been forced lately to pay attention and I'm making some progress but it's something that I have to stay on top of as it doesn't come easy.

justhere

[random]

Justthere, being a single mom to several kids is a huge job! I just want to encourage you to feel proud for doing it, especially under financial pressure.

For me, positive entitlement is a huge area to work on. I feel the opposite of that. I feel that I don't deserve anything and don't have any rights, that I better have a good explanation for why I am hanging about having any needs at all. I have never felt like a legitimate person for whom it is OK to exist. Now that I have been facing major financial issues and job-hunting, that sense of being wrong for just being there has been particularly strong.

I think this "negative unentitlement" has been such a core part of me for such a long time, that it has definitely contributed to my entering and staying in abusive situations, because when people attack or exploit me, I experience it as a natural response, as something I must have done something to deserve.

So how in god's name do I start? What can I do to change this deeply embedded belief that I have no right to anything, from physical safety and having the most basic needs met to pursuing better things for myself in career and relationships?

[methinkso]

I'm wondering how much being 'brought down' in youth by the Borderline parent when the Non achieved something or displayed pleasure plays into not feeling entitled?

[blackandwhite]

Joiesophie and TryingtoGetBy, as scary as it might feel sometimes, how fantastic that you're both pursuing dreams in art!  You are entitled to comfy sheets, beautiful things, and the flow of creativity!

justhere, random, mts... .you're all raising really great points and questions. Let me add in some information and see if we can move our thinking on this forward. I will also include some strategies to get started in the daunting but incredibly necessary task random described, to "change this deeply embedded belief that I have no right to anything, from physical safety and having the most basic needs met to pursuing better things for myself in career and relationships."

Information from The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.

In a section called "What Trauma Does to People," Carnes describes common lingering after effects for those who have experienced significant trauma:

*Trauma reactions--experiencing current reactions to trauma events in the past, e.g., "I have recurring memories of painful experiences."

*Trauma repetition--repeating behaviors or situations that parallel early trauma experiences, e.g., "I repeat painful experiences over and over." (repetition compulsion)

*Trauma bonds--being connected (loyal, helpful, supportive) to people who are dangerous, shaming or exploitative, e.g., "I try to be understood by those who are incapable or don't care for me."

*Trauma shame--feeling unworthy and having self-hate because of trauma experience, e.g., "I feel bad about myself at times because of shameful experiences I believe were my fault."

*Trauma pleasure--finding pleasure in the presence of extreme danger, violence, risk, or shame, e.g, "I engage in high-risk behaviors."

*Trauma blocking--a pattern exists to numb, block out, or overwhelm feelings that stem from trauma in your life, e.g., "At times, I have difficulty staying awake" (or I eat compulsively or drink too much).

*Trauma splitting--ignoring traumatic realities by dissociating or "splitting" off experiences or parts of self, e.g., "I avoid thoughts or feelings associated with my trauma experiences."

*Trauma abstinence--depriving yourself of things you need or deserve because of traumatic acts, e.g., "I will hoard money and not spend money on legitimate needs."

All are worthy of discussion, but the last item, trauma abstinence, is very relevant to this discussion of positive entitlement. Carnes says that sometimes survivors "experience a bottleneck in their lives by their commitment to deprivation."

Compulsive deprivation or abstinence occurs especially around memories of success, high stress, shame or anxiety,. Most importantly, deprivation is driven by terror and fear, which we know have a powerful impact on our brains. In deprivation, survivors may:

• deny themselves basic needs like groceries, shoes, books, medical care, rent, or heat



• avoid any sexual pleasure or feel extreme remorse over any sexual activity



• hoard money and avoid spending money on legitimate needs



• perform "underachieving" jobs compulsively and make consistently extreme or unwarranted sacrifices for work
  
  spoil success opportunities



• have periods of no interest in eating and attempt diets repeatedly



• see comfort, luxuries, and play activities as frivolous



• routinely skip vacations because of dedication to an unrewarding task



• avoid normal activities because of fears



• have difficulties with play



• be underemployed



• vomit food or use diuretics to avoid weight gain

Sound familiar?

[anker]

So what can I do to change this? Its apt to my situation to how I feel and behave... .where to start changing this stuff?

Mine is mostly emotional. And intimate. Not so much material things... .I am broke more often than not but I do try to have good things. Its with relationships that I have the problem with lovers and with my family

[Cordelia]

I've recently realized that I have big issues with money, in the past and now.  I really don't like money or want it as I don't trust it anymore and if I get any I get rid of it as soon as I can.  Even if I have a few dollars in my bank account, it bothers me and I feel guilty that I'm not giving it to my children or Haiti or what ever.

Wow.  Thanks for writing this.  I think I now understand where my mom's money issues are coming from!  I (and others in my family) have always been frustrated with my mom for not taking better care of her money, just spending it on whatever random items catch her fancy until it's gone and she's desperate for help again.  I thought it was the opposite - a sense of over-entitlement - but this makes much more sense with the rest of her personality and behavior patterns.   

As for myself, it's complicated - I'm very ambitious in certain ways, and expect a lot out of life, but when it comes to relationships, I have a harder time.  I absolutely do not expect to have my voice heard, and so I often do not really think about the implications or effect my words will have on others, which is not so great when they *are* actually listening!  (I wish there were an emoticon for blushing!)  I express myself for my own satisfaction - which is good in some ways, but limiting in others.  I have a hard time with "taking up space" too - it's hard for me to tell others I have a problem with something if that will inconvenience them in any way, even if it's in a situation where it's actually their job to make sure I am comfortable. 

This is a great conversation!

[blackandwhite]

So what can I do to change this? Its apt to my situation to how I feel and behave... .where to start changing this stuff?

Good question. I think it starts with two things--identifying beliefs and identifying behaviors. The self-esteem checklist (from Surviving the Borderline Parent) below helps to get at beliefs that may be behind your lack of positive entitlement.

Participants are welcome to post their responses or a summary and we can work together on your plan to improve your scores.

Self-Esteem Self-Assessment

On a scale of 0 to 10, rate how closely you agree with each of the following statements, which are adapted from an exercise in The Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn Schiraldi (2001). Zero indicates you don't agree at all; 10 indicates you agree completely. As you do the exercise, don't analyze each statement; simply respond with the number that best represents your gut-level reaction.

1. I am a valuable person. __

2. I possess the qualities I need to live a fulfilling life. __

3. When I look in the mirror, I feel good. __

4. I think of myself as a success. __

5. I'm able to laugh at myself. __

6. I'm happy being me. __

7. Given a choice, I'd choose to be me over someone else. __

8. I treat myself with respect. __

9. I continue to believe in myself, even when others don't. __

10. Overall, I'm satisfied with the person I am. __

Take note of any responses for which you answered with a 5 or lower. Consider how your thoughts and feelings in these areas may be impacting your self-esteem. Write about your reactions here or in your journal. What are some ways you can improve your scores in those areas?

[methinkso]

This was very interesting. My only 5 (and lowest score), was answered to:

"I posess the qualities I need to live a fulfilling life". Only 5 points on this.

My impulse is to explain that I have been going through a rough time these last months while being forced to 'un-count' the few family members whom I thought I could count on when the chips are down, or in my old age. That in our old age we few would be able to count on each other in our last years. What a joke.

[justhere]

I think I have most/all those examples of 'Trauma behavior' as well as the 'Compulsive deprivation or abstinence' and even reading this information is difficult as I realize that I'm holding my breath while reading and then I had to stop just to breathe. It seems that I feel sad about this too.

I didn't do too well on the 'self-esteem self-assessment' test not getting any higher then a 5 or 6 on any of the questions. This surprised me as overall I thought that I was fine with my life. I know that I have had to deal with some pretty tough stuff but I also know that it has taken it's toll on me both physically and mentally. I guess as long as I was strong enough to keep going, I was fine but now that I've stopped it's like I can't even move at all anymore.

I think I have two things happening here at the same time... .one is, I'm ok with things and myself and the other is that I feel that I really screwed up. I can make amends to a point but I still feel that... .what's done is done. Even though I know I did the best I could and feel a sense of accomplishment by surviving there is this part of me that says... .'it really didn't matter what I did.  No one in my family seems to care at all and they just want to go on pretending so I put myself on the line and gave up everything for nothing'. Then I question what, if anything did I accomplish?

I wonder too if these are even my beliefs and not those of my mother and I was being true to the thoughts and ideals that she put in my head and I have wasted my energies chasing a lie or some fragment of her twisted thinking?  I'm just looking for some peace with this and don't know how to find it.

justhere

[random]

I got 5 or below on most of it:

Given a choice, I'd choose to be me over someone else. 2

I continue to believe in myself, even when others don't. 2

I think of myself as a success. 2

I treat myself with respect. 3

I'm happy being me. 3

Overall, I'm satisfied with the person I am. 3

When I look in the mirror, I feel good. 4

I possess the qualities I need to live a fulfilling life. 5

What can I do to raise the scores, i.e. to change my beliefs and feelings about myself? I kind of don't know. I'd love some ideas. Maybe a place to start is to look at why I have the beliefs and feelings I do now? What is my low self-assessment based on?

Food for thought.

[joiesophie]

This isn't as easy as it looks.  The list that included sacrificing at work, not knowing how to play blew me away.  On another thread about school - some of us posted about not knowing - literally 'how to play' at school.

Now I got the list - and I want to 'fix' the numbers - but I won't. The items that stood out, well, here's one I'm proud of and one that I definitely need help with!  Looking in the mirror is still a really big issue - does it mean that I don't exist? 

I am a valuable person. _10_  (I'm pretty proud of this one!)

When I look in the mirror, I feel good. _4.5_

js

[anker]

1,2 &8 are where I feel lowest. I am not happy with myself. I like my life just fine- I work in the arts and have amazing friends and travel a lot... .I just don't feel like I deserve the good things. I'm not conventionally attractive... .I'm lazy. I don't like to clean or cook and I can be really loud and annoying... .why would anyone want me? if someone responds and likes me as more than a friend I feel like I owe them. Like I haven't earned it.

I'm not happy with me. I've had incredible luck to have the life I have and... .yet I'm not happy and feel like I suck. Makes me feel worse because. I do have a good life and I must be terribly ungrateful to feel this way... .

I definitely have big issues with this stuff

[anker]

Somewhere along the line I learned that being stoic was more important than being happy.

[blackandwhite]

My impulse is to explain that I have been going through a rough time these last months while being forced to 'un-count' the few family members whom I thought I could count on when the chips are down, or in my old age. That in our old age we few would be able to count on each other in our last years.

MTS, I think it's very hard to hold on to self-esteem in the face of betrayal. But the fact that you scored well in general means you're pretty resilient, I bet, and you can move forward fairly smoothly?

I think I have two things happening here at the same time... .one is, I'm ok with things and myself and the other is that I feel that I really screwed up. I can make amends to a point but I still feel that... .what's done is done. Even though I know I did the best I could and feel a sense of accomplishment by surviving there is this part of me that says... .'it really didn't matter what I did.  No one in my family seems to care at all and they just want to go on pretending so I put myself on the line and gave up everything for nothing'. Then I question what, if anything did I accomplish?

This makes a lot of sense to me, justhere. You DID do something incredible by surviving, and by that measure (survival), you're "ok with things." But when you set your sights higher, even to... .gulp... .happiness, feelings of self-worth that come from you and NOT from your family, you feel a little stuck?

I am a valuable person. _10_  (I'm pretty proud of this one!)

When I look in the mirror, I feel good. _4.5_

js

on your 10, JS! My lowest score was the look in the mirror one too. 

Somewhere along the line I learned that being stoic was more important than being happy.

Oh, that really resonated with me, anker. Daring to shoot for happiness used to trigger shame in me.

Here's another exercise to try, also from The Betrayal Bond:

Write the Story

This assignment asks that you write your own story in your journal (or here), but write as if it happened to someone else. Use third person pronouns in your description: "Once there was a girl and she... ." It may help you to visualize it as a movie or a fairy tale. Limit yourself to 750 words or less (about three pages). Focus on how the character in the story is thinking and feeling. Yo may wish to draw a picture or two with crayons to illustrate the story. After you have finished, do the following:

1. With your therapist or group (if possible), read the story out loud and show the pictures.

2. If you think of this as happening to someone else, what feelings do you have for the character?

3. Write in your journal (or here) about the realities you have not been willing to examine.

4. Record any patterns you see emerging throughout your life.

5. Record any common profiles of persons you recognize. For example, do you keep getting involved with the same kind of romantic partner or friend, even if this sort of person is not good for you?

Feel free to share your story, your answers, and/or your reflections on both here.

[justhere]

I had a nice post written up about my thoughts on courage and repeating relationships but as I looked over the my words I saw that I left out something that was jumping off the page and that was this person who was living my life isn't who I am. I don't know whether I can explain this but I don't feel that my life reflects who I am at all.

What really stood out to me is that I was living my life by 'reacting' to others. I don't think I ever had an original idea or thought. I went right from 'reacting' to my mother to my partners to my children. I never took hold of life and created my own place but was always a visitor in the life of someone else even with my own family and I still feel like I'm 'just renting' and waiting for my life to start...

I'm basically very peaceful and abhor violence and just want a simple quiet life and when I look at where I've been and still am in some ways, I feel that it doesn't make any sense to me.  Even the other day I got this 'middle or the night call' from my daughter latest as she apparently ran out in a rage and he's so worried.  Good grief, I just can't deal with this any more and I'm so tired of running in to save the day.

I think that when I was younger I was more a part of it as this was all I knew and even my job had an element of danger and excitement but I always felt that I was in the wrong place and just biding my time till I could get away. I think that my adrenaline has been pumped up so many times that it's all used up as it just won't work anymore.  I just can't be that person anymore for anyone.

The one good thing that I accomplished is that I'm now living by myself, partner-free, so I'm able to be myself in my own place for the first time ever. 

Thank you blackandwhite as this thread has helped me see another part of the puzzle.

justhere

[BMama]

Wow, this is tough stuff.  I have avoided this thread for a while here, because I knew, I knew... .

  to all of you who have participated.  Thank each and every one of you!

I'm bad about having things for myself--personal things that no one else can get use from.  I actually get ill when I go to a store and my daughter says, MOM, lets pick you out a new pair of jeans or shirt or outfit.  She's just getting me to wear make up.  I don't mean lots, just foundation.  It's not that we're poor and I must sacrifice for my kids.  She wears all the label clothing, and my son, too.  The little ones grow too fast for that stuff, and while they don't care about labels, I don't worry.     I don't even enjoy clothes shopping at discount stores.  I LOVE to pick out stuff for my kids, though... .grocery shopping, neccessity shopping, don't mind that.  I will choose every time, something that at least one other person in the house can use or enjoy besides myself.

Playing is tough for me.  I have made a habit out of collecting board games for us to play as a family.  Although, I really have to stop and say... .is laundry THAT important that I don't have time for a few rounds of Yahtzee?  Getting the Wii last year was a big help.  I LOVE RockBand, so I'm trying to make a habit out of playing with my kids once a week, at least.  Pounding those drums is good therapy!

When my kids were born, I used to get upset that it seemed my hubby had replaced them for me... .they got all the love and hugs and kisses.  I realized recently, that I'd closed myself off to that.  That if he was taking time to show me his affection, it was taking away from the kids.  I honestly didn't think of this for 15 years... .I'd say, you don't have time to hug or kiss me anymore, but you do the kids.  Nice, projecting right?  I was giving him what he asked for, and then he got used to that as a new way of doing business.  Who wants to hug a porcupine, right?

I think that I am a good person, deserving of things, but to put that into action feels very uncomfortable... .almost selfish, yes.  That is still what I get told when I don't want to be around my FoO when there is all this drama.  Well, family is family and you take the good with the bad, so suck it up for the rest of us.  Obviously I'm standing up to them now, so hopefully that will rub off and I will stand up to myself eventually, too.

[anker]

I'm stewing in this.

I see that a pattern I have is to be involved with withdrawn and withholding people. They come on strong then stop. I have a compulsion to try to get from them what they can't or don't want to give.

Why ... .That's the question.

[minnares]

Where I struggle with this is finding healthy ways to teach my 3 teenaged sons gratitude without pulling the mind games my mother always played with me about how I wasn't deserving of anything and I was ungrateful. How do we teach gratitude and positive entitlement without doing so in an unhealthy way?

For example, my youngest son struggles with being an identical twin. His sense of self esteem is very tied up in being an individual and his sense of self, as is right and healthy. He gets VERY angry though if that's imposed on in any way. Last month, he has a huge melt down and was very rude and mouthy to me. I told him he wasn't being grateful for all the positive things in his life. He could be living on the street somewhere or have divorced parents or... .And then I caught myself sound like my mom. Yet, the point is still valid. My son needs to understand that he is not entitled to keep up with the Joneses or be better than other people or always have the newest gadget. I told him he always gets what he asks for in our house, and his response to me was, "No I don't. I asked for a laptop for Christmas and you ONLY gave me an iPod Touch."   Well, that did it for me. I thought what kind of totally ungrateful child have a raised? I told him to give me his iPod touch. He can have it back after he spends a month keeping a journal on the kitchen wipe board of what he's grateful for (big or small) each day. He's about three weeks in now. Some days he just writes "my bed" or "nice dinner," which is fine. I'm trying to make this a positive teachable moment. Is this unhealthy? I was very calm when he was freaking out and yelling at me last month.

But of course, I've always got my uBPD mother's spectre looming behind me, and I'm always second guessing if I'm going out parenting this child properly. So this entitlement workshop is very timely. I just thought I'd ask this from a different perspective.

minnares

[blackandwhite]

Wow, this is bringing out a lot of core questions and realizations. I'm so impressed by what you're all saying and asking and the issues touched by the lack of positive entitlement, including identity, pleasure, self-care, love, and parenting.

Justhere describes a lack of entitlement to living her own life, for herself, on her own terms, rather than reacting to others' needs:

I never took hold of life and created my own place but was always a visitor in the life of someone else even with my own family and I still feel like I'm 'just renting' and waiting for my life to start...

BMama describes a lack of entitlement to nice things for herself, her husband's affection, and play and enjoyment. Pleasure has been linked with "selfishness":

I think that I am a good person, deserving of things, but to put that into action feels very uncomfortable... .almost selfish, yes.  That is still what I get told when I don't want to be around my FoO when there is all this drama.  Well, family is family and you take the good with the bad, so suck it up for the rest of us.  Obviously I'm standing up to them now, so hopefully that will rub off and I will stand up to myself eventually, too.

Anker describes self-sabotage that leads to involvement with people who withhold... .a lack of entitlement to love, warmpth, a generous mutuality in a relationship:

I see that a pattern I have is to be involved with withdrawn and withholding people. They come on strong then stop. I have a compulsion to try to get from them what they can't or don't want to give.

minnares describes a struggle to teach to her children what was not taught to her, a grounded sense of positive entitlement... ."taking the initiative to pursue life's riches":

Where I struggle with this is finding healthy ways to teach my 3 teenaged sons gratitude without pulling the mind games my mother always played with me about how I wasn't deserving of anything and I was ungrateful. How do we teach gratitude and positive entitlement without doing so in an unhealthy way?

Okay, how about some examples of times when you HAVE embraced positive entitlement? I think we could use some success stories. 

B&W