Accident Non ... how to get out completely?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think one of the reasons we end up with these BPDs is because we have traits of humanity they lack. Is that narcissistic and/or codependent or is it having a heart that may be a little bigger than some?

If I were Mother Theresa then my heart would be a little bigger than some. I am expressing love and concern to EVERYONE, not a SO who's been abusing me.

When your SO is lying, cheating, manipulating, and hurting you. And, you continue to have a big heart (?), it's called self harm. There is a very thin line between being compassionate with someone and allowing abuse. Theses relationships are abusive, we allow it, we need to figure out what keeps us there. For a lot of people it's easier to feel that they have a big heart, then face the fact that there could be something wrong with them as well.

Emotionally healthy adults simply don't get sucked into these relationships. Take me for example, my xBPDbf would call me nonstop and text me 1000 times a day, needed my constant attention. My friend (healthy adult) told me "This isn't healthy, something is wrong with him. Let him go now before it gets more complicated". Did I listen? NO. I thought he had just been alone for too long. That I was the closest thing he had. That's what I told myself, but the real reason was becuase I needed his attention, because I had been alone for a long time and I had a big void he filled. The stories here are no different, they praise, cling, and then hate. This story repeats its self over and over again on these boards. Other emotionally healthy adults don't understand us, why? Because to them there is no reason why that relationship should of lasted more than a few dates.

Self realization takes a toll on your ego. But that's a journey each individual needs to be willing to make.

[Colombian Chick]

I think one of the reasons we end up with these BPDs is because we have traits of humanity they lack. Is that narcissistic and/or codependent or is it having a heart that may be a little bigger than some?

If I were Mother Theresa then my heart would be a little bigger than some. I am expressing love and concern to EVERYONE, not a SO who's been abusing me.

When your SO is lying, cheating, manipulating, and hurting you. And, you continue to have a big heart (?), it's called self harm. There is a very thin line between being compassionate with someone and allowing abuse. Theses relationships are abusive, we allow it, we need to figure out what keeps us there. For a lot of people it's easier to feel that they have a big heart, then face the fact that there could be something wrong with them as well.

Emotionally healthy adults simply don't get sucked into these relationships. Take me for example, my xBPDbf would call me nonstop and text me 1000 times a day, needed my constant attention. My friend (healthy adult) told me "This isn't healthy, something is wrong with him. Let him go now before it gets more complicated". Did I listen? NO. I thought he had just been alone for too long. That I was the closest thing he had. That's what I told myself, but the real reason was becuase I needed his attention, because I had been alone for a long time and I had a big void he filled. The stories here are no different, they praise, cling, and then hate. This story repeats its self over and over again on these boards. Other emotionally healthy adults don't understand us, why? Because to them there is no reason why that relationship should of lasted more than a few dates.

Self realization takes a toll on your ego. But that's a journey each individual needs to be willing to make.

[accidentalnon]

Thank you everybody for the input!  I really appreciate it, and I’m not offended by any of the questions concerning my motivations.  The name ‘accidentalnon’ is quite apropos.  I’m 37 years old and I’ve been the dumper and dumpee in plenty of relationships over the years, so I’m familiar with the post-break-up routine.  You communicate fairly regularly over the first couple weeks (out of habit I guess), which slowly dwindles to a trickle.  Eventually both people move on.  That was the m.o. I was following with my BPDexgf and it followed the script at first, but subtlety & insidiously it morphed to what it is today.

After a month, things had gotten really bad and I concluded my presence was more a detriment, so I cut off all communication which lasted for 4 days.  That was when things went from really bad to absolutely terrible, and it marked the first suicide threat.  When it came in, I was frantic & desperate and pretty much made whatever concessions she wanted regarding communication & spending time with her.  Of course it marked the beginning of a pattern that has repeated itself ever since.

... .continued

[accidentalnon]

I attended a therapy session with her and her shrink, because I wanted to know how I could best help her.  Regarding the cessation of communication, he basically said I am free to do that if I so choose, but from a clinical perspective it would be very damaging to her.  And so I’ve remained, trying to help but the assurances, validations & promises keep getting more extreme.  I sent an email to her therapist last week in which I said that things have changed from what is best for her, to what is best for me.

I called an attorney last night (cousin), and he said it’s clear-cut harassment.  At the very least I should export all the communiqués from her, and file an incident report with the police.  I should notify her and her therapist of this, and provide them with the report and all exported docs.  From there it can either end, or proceed through legal and law enforcement channels.

Once again thank you for the input, EVERYBODY.  I am so very grateful!

[GCD145]

Slow down, friend, hes not attacking him, just giving him his observations.

I have a hard time with the word "Narcissism" and even more of a hard time with the word "Codependent." I have seen people in these types of relationships - Narc/BPD , CoDep/BPD and a lot of the times they are much different than your average NonBPD/BPD. Hell, BPDs can usually elicit codependent/narcissistic responses from anyone - take away the borderline - the issue vanishes.

I like the point you've made here.  In my relationship with my pwBPD, I became a classic codependent.  I don't think that I am outside of the relationship. I don't seek out others to control, and my self image isn't bound up in "helping" another, although, as I said, it was in the relationship.

They say that black holes generate gravitational fields that are strong enough to warp space-time itself. That's the way I view the effect that pwBPD can have on us.

GCD145

[turtlesoup]

I attended a therapy session with her and her shrink, because I wanted to know how I could best help her.  Regarding the cessation of communication, he basically said I am free to do that if I so choose, but from a clinical perspective it would be very damaging to her. 

This is shocking. If she has BPD the therapist should be refering her where she needs to go and encouraging healthy behaviours for you. Im guessing the therapist is not thinking she has BPD. Even if she hasn't this is still some strange advice from a therapist?  ?

[accidentalnon]

If she has BPD the therapist should be refering her where she needs to go and encouraging healthy behaviours for you. Im guessing the therapist is not thinking she has BPD. Even if she hasn't this is still some strange advice from a therapist?

The therapist is the one who concluded that she's not bi-polar (apparently a diagnosis from a few years ago), and tested her for BPD.  I did counseling with this same therapist 10+ years ago for my own personal reasons, and I had high regard for him which is why I recommended him to my exgf.  That said, I've been perplexed by his actions (and lack of action) regarding my exgf.

The shared session between the three of us was my idea.  At the time I was convinced that my continued presence in her life (at her insistence that it was the only way she could get better) was actually making things worse for her, and I sought the Dr's guidance.  I went in hoping he would say that as the object of how her BPD was manifesting itself, it would be best if I limit contact dramatically.  Unfortunately, he went the opposite way.  He was abundantly clear that if I stopped all communication, it would be very damaging for her.  And so I remained.

I sought his advice for me, and he said in protecting her rights, all he could recommend is independent counseling (therapy) for me.

[kly]

Accidental Non --

Pppfffttt !  What?  I can't even conceive of a therapist pinning a patient's mental health on a different person, who wants nothing to do with said patient!  Esp as it pertains to her threats of suicide in front of your young son.  Did you bring that up?

Maybe a follow up letter or e-mail to the therapist to let him know how she is essentially holding you hostage is in line--with a cc to the State licensing board.  Be sure to reference therapists initial recommendation.

Let them decide whether or not the therapist has acted appropriately. 

In the meantime, maybe a call to a suicide hotline asking to speak with a mental health professional is in order (if, because of the T's recommendation you still hesitate to dial 911) and get some advice.  Please let us know if their directions are to hang up and dial 911.

Best wishes.

[2010]

AN, Try a new therapist. In the meantime, take a look at this essay written by staff at bpdfamily.com

"Put some distance between you. Disengaging is hard. Whether you were together for a long time or the relationship was very intense, your dreams, values, and emotions are tied to the other person - that's normal. If you were/have some codependent or narcissistic traits , or are insecure - then you are even more entwined. This is why it is hard to let go.  The longer you stay connected, the longer it will take to disengage, heal, and move forward."

This is a point of view article written by the volunteer staff at bpdfamily.com. The opinions expressed are those of the authors and based on personal experience, an informal monitoring of 750,000 comments posted on the bpdfamily support group message board, as well as review of the books and article published in the field.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner - no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It's roots emanate from the deep central wounds of the disorder. You can't begin to answer to this.

You also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about your own survival instincts - you're injured, in ways you may not fully even grasp, and it's important to attend to your own wounds before you are capable of helping anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival.

If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

At the end of any relationship there can be a series of break-ups and make-ups - disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a BP relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don't be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

(And your child's life deserves better)

[JoannaK]

I added this note above and I'm repeating it here:




2010, thank you for your apology.  I will say that the use of the term "narcisissm" can be very triggering here, no matter how it is used.  It is best to avoid such terminology when talking to a fellow member, no matter how positive your intent.

To everybody participating on this thread, please review this excerpt from our guidelines:

Divisive or Abusive Exchanges: All members should feel safe in their expressions; we are all here to heal from abuse. Please keep in mind that the membership is comprised of diverse experiences and backgrounds; this is a great strength of our community. Debate is healthy discourse when conducted in a respectful, and tolerant manner. Members shall not engage in divisive or abusive exchanges or be judgemental of other members. If a member has divisive or abusive behavior directed toward them, they shall not engage it, but rather try to defuse the situation, or ignore the behavior, or contact a moderator for assistance. Members shall not respond to an abusive exchange in kind. All members should feel safe in their expressions; we are all here to heal from abuse.

... .Jo