SUCCESS STORIES

[Notwendy]

Tina- This is a success story! A goal is to examine our own behavior- gain better boundaries and feel more secure with ourselves. We may be in a relationship with someone else or not be in one, but also we are in a relationship with ourselves.

Having overcome a way of being that wasn't serving me!

Yes, we are always in a state of progress not perfection. This is progress and success. Celebrate it!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I want to join Notwendy in celebrating with you.  I was particularly pleased that you were able to identify the anxious feeling and realize that your email and actions were an attempt to quickly "make those feelings stop".

Keep up the hard work and keep posting about your journey.  We're all benefiting from your insight!

Best,

FF

[2020]

Hello Tina,

It is good to hear you are trying to cope differently this time. I have noticed myself shifting in this way too. I don’t know whether I will have any further contact from my partner either. I do not intend emailing again, where in the past I would have been daily.

I have to say though, that the success stories I read about, are few and far between. And the change we see is only something within ourselves, not our partners. I have noticed the best advice on this website, the most valuable wisdom, is often coming from people with ex partners. It seems to me that there are some caring, beautiful souls on this planet, dispersed among the community. It is a tragedy that they are treated so poorly by some, or allow themselves to be.

These are very difficult relationships. I wish you luck and happiness.

[formflier]

I know I have more work to do, whether my ex reappears or not. I chose to take a moment to cherish this recognition of having overcome a way of being that wasn't serving me

This is so well said!  Regardless of the outcome of this particular relationship, I would look forward to more updates on "your journey" to  a different "way of being". 

And hopefully you won't mind if I use that phrase "way of being"...   

Best,

FF

[olafinski]

Hi,
not sure whether my story applies to anyone else's situation, but I did not encounter anything similar so perhaps it is worth something.
I am married to my wife for 15 years now. From the start it was odd but I only realised what is going on after bumping onto this forum some 4 years ago. She almost certainly has a highly functioning form of BPD but is completely unaware of it, and there is little hope that she will ever become aware. Her father is a retired MD (oncologist) and does not believe in psychology which he successfully transferred to her.
She is now 48 and after a series of events that occurred in last couple of years in a row (major earthquake, covid, starting a heart therapy) her episodes started to occur got much much less often. It was once in a month on average before, and it started to come to an episode in 3-4 months or even half a year.
I see two main possible reasons for this. I am not an expert so I of course might be missing something here. Please correct and add if you can.

1) She started to experience strong fear which put her in a more feminine role in our relationship. I felt much more than before that she needs me to look after her. This somehow helped her stay in balance most of the time. And even when she started to go "up" she would manage to control herself. Our general quality of relationship and life in general greatly improved because of this, and especially helped our little one (now 12 yo) who just started being aware that "something is odd with mom".

2) She started taking therapy for her heart palpitations. This has been bothering her for a long time, but after having a frightening episode where she felt that she could have died, she did a new, thorough exam and got beta blocker therapy which lowered her heart rate for apx 10%. This seems to have calmed her a lot. It introduced a completely new set of issues in our life, off course, because now she has a "solid reason" to be isolated and be even mora of a "victim" in a "vicious circle" (I can no exercise because of my heart and thallasemia minor -> I am getting fat because I am getting old -> people that knew me before say that I am fat so I don't want to go out (she was really skinny all of her life, way too skinny) -> because I don't got out I am getting even fatter).

I am writing this today because today she had the first episode after quite a while (6+months) and before it to be honest I was not sure if perhaps "she got over it" (ha ha what an optimist here). But I can say for sure that it is much much better.

Life writes incredible dramas... our 12yo son really likes to travel but because of COVID we were basically stuck. When it opened a bit we went with him to Vienna (5 hour drive) and he was totally freaking out of joy! He said that he would like to see "other european imperial cities" (he is into history a lot), meaning London, Paris and Rome. My wife of course hates travelling because of this and that (basically, she hates crowds and people in general, more or less). She likes other cultures and visiting new places, but hates everything else associated with it (flying, discomfort, crowds, cues etc). But she loves our son soo very much that she knows she must get over that for him. So we found a nice 4-day London arrangement during winter vacation and today I got the offer for it which must be payed tomorrow! But in the meantime I am the one guilty of everything, she hates me from the first day because I planned to completely take our son away from her, make him dependable on me, did everything wrong in his upbringing, never listened to her although she is a an ex special education teacher in school and now a special education specialist in kindergarten and is competent etc etc. I sent her the offer but no reply, she won't speak to me.
We'll see what tomorrow brings... hope she will get over it till tomorrow.
But the reason for her flip is not going to just vanish so it just might be that she will be "in it" for a couple of days. We heard today from our son's main teacher that she got the results of a socio-metric test from start of the school year, and it turned out that 17 out or 20 kids in his class had something negative to say about him. Teacher was really confused because she knows him as a really good pupil and a nice kid, well behaved, has all A's, doesn't create any problems.
The thing is that he is in a really really bad class, composed of almost a third of pupils with "important" entitled parents, that raise their kids to always feel "above" others, and our son is not the kind to kiss-ass and be sleazy to get someones acceptance. Also, when he was in kindergarten, he had a rough phase with a lot of tantrums and during that phase he got "labeled" by parents that hanged out together and later all came to his class. I am the one that always goes with him outside to play because I am a freelancer and can work from the bar on a laptop. So I know all the kids and I know how they behave. And I am aware that some of them are that sort of kids that behave really badly and then have those angel eyes and point to others for guilt. And off course it all pours down on our little one because we did not raise him like this (we are not like that) and he didn't have well developed social skills that would help him in this respect. He has no siblings other than his 11 y older step-brother who is more like an uncle, and we moved 3 times till he was 7, so he never had a real chance to "learn the tricks". We are aware of this, but were not prepared for what happened in the school, where he started being bullied by couple of kids and could not stand for himself because he was afraid he would snap like he did when he was younger, so basically he got into a victim role. We managed to get through this last year and this year he is totally happy in his class, everything seemed to have popped at it's place, but he remained on bad terms with a couple of "alpha girls" that basically turned all girls in the class (even a couple of his friends) against him, to the point that they commanded everyone else not to invite him to their birthdays because "the girls will not come"! Three of his good friends, crying, told him that they can not invite him because they were ordered not too! This shocked us totally, together with their parents, but the final shock came with that results because it became obvious that the girls turned almost everyone against him, though he normally plays and communicates with all of the boys in his class!
So my wife, as an educational worker, was totally shocked that her beloved son is the most unloved pupil in class! This triggered a strong episode, and, as he was with us while we discussed this, I could not just go the usual "yes, yes, you are right bla bla" because he expected us to stand behind him, because his behaviour is immaculate, which his teacher confirmed.
But somehow BPD turned over my wife from a mother that fights for her child into a mother ashamed of him! Even though she constantly repeated "even if the kids lied in the tests, and even if he behaves properly, it doesn't matter because now he will be treated like a problem". Which I just could not believe! To say something like that in front of a child that has really accomplished so much in last couple of years. I was heartbroken so I just could not make myself go the needed "you are totally right" road as I normally do.
Thanks for reading... hope you got something out of this. If you have anything to say or add, please do.