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Author Topic: do they ALWAYS LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND  (Read 3911 times)
cali girl
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« on: March 03, 2010, 09:00:09 PM »

when they move?  WHYYYYYYYYY... .mine moved 2 hours away and the infamous call comes in today.  uuuuuuh, I left my fishing pole and chairs there, can I pick them up if I'm ever in the neighborhood?  YOU LIVE 2 HOURS AWAY why on earth would you ever just be in the neighborhood?

so predictable - they really have NO SHAME.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2010, 10:08:08 PM »

Sorry, I threw your pole and chairs to the curb, last week.
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cali girl
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« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 10:25:38 PM »

oh, but this "fishing pole" has sentimental value, his son bought it for him for xmas... .  yet he KNEW he left it here in the first place - nothing holds sentimental value to them, they just cling to survival mode.
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 11:14:59 PM »

Things were left the times she would show up unannounced, saying I invited her, and then turning into a 'bash me' Fest. Gloves, scarf, maybe something else (that I would never find, causing me to think nothing was left after all). I think her mind would overheat til she would be so discombobulated by the time she left. If she was naked, I think she'd walk out not noticing.  Weird stuff.
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 11:40:07 PM »

 ... .
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PrettyPatty
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2010, 11:40:49 PM »

  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  you guys are soo funny  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I may have left something back there at his house, but I refused to look back the moment I walked out the door.  I think I sent by mail a vehicle transponder that I had in my car which belonged to him, a week after, without a note.  I threw away one of his shoes that got packed in my boxes by mistake.  No looking back, really.  It hurt like hell the first couple of months, but it was all worth it, I have my sanity back.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2010, 11:58:52 PM »

Excerpt
I may have left something back there at his house, but I refused to look back the moment I walked out the door.  I think I sent by mail a vehicle transponder that I had in my car which belonged to him, a week after, without a note.  I threw away one of his shoes that got packed in my boxes by mistake.  No looking back, really.  It hurt like hell the first couple of months, but it was all worth it, I have my sanity back.



I left things behind when I left as well. SOme things that I wish I had but I simply forgot. I am finding out those things are nothing that I cannot do without or replace... .I wouldn't go back for them if he offered. No way!
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cali girl
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2010, 12:12:12 AM »

ha ha... .pretty funny stuff.  the irony is that he left his fishing pole here... .yeah he needs it back so he can fish around now and again to see if I'll take the bait  
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2010, 01:39:45 AM »

^^^^^   Smiling (click to insert in post)  ^^^^^

It's all just stuff. If I find anything, It goes to Goodwill. Turns something negative into two positives.
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Tippy
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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2010, 07:57:26 AM »

I would have it DHL`d over to him, might cost a bit but you have the last laugh! 
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2010, 10:11:29 AM »

Mine kept a guitar I had over there. She still has it. Wasn't worth much... .I'm guessing it will be used as some type of contact or bargaining chip in the future. I plan on telling her to smash it over her head, I don't want anything to do with her... .
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LynnLearner
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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2010, 11:13:13 AM »

I took something of his. A small, but favorite painting. I'm sure he noticed it, but I think I wanted it to be a reason to contact him. Or vice versa. I am thinking of sending it back with no note, no return address. Ya?
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2010, 11:35:52 AM »

Still wouldn't be a NC thing.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2010, 02:31:58 PM »

Yes, mine did leave things behind.

Mine came on Feb 7th with a huge truck and 3 guys to move the furniture. He left his bed, desk, lamp, frames, and other home decorations. Not sure why, but he did. I thought it was so stupid that he rented a huge truck to leave 50% of his things behind  ?.
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2010, 02:58:57 PM »

I just had a flashback.  Back when my wife and I were dating, she had her first "episode" where she just up and left to go back to her ex.  It was a red flag that I missed because she did come back and we did unfortunately get married.  Anyway, I remember how she left some of her stuff and would refuse to come pick it up.  She just had to have that anchor.
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sarah1234
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« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2010, 03:03:23 PM »

mine couldn't do that one because whatever I did find I did give back to him in one go

Instead he has taken some personal items of mine and thinks that I will contact him to get them back. He has mentioned them a few times now, and lets just say, its freaking weird to take those things from me, he has no use for them. I mean, I actually dread to think what he could do with them! And now I do not think I will be asking for them back!
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cali girl
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« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2010, 08:51:56 PM »

Sarah, would you chalk this up to his sense of entitlement or stealing - either way he's GONE  3
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Secretsister
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« Reply #17 on: March 04, 2010, 10:25:29 PM »

Mine has tried 3 times to come get his things.  He always creates a problem that prevents him from getting his things.  Finally, last weekend, he came with a truck and got "most" of it.  I had actually packed his things for him and put it all in one place in the garage so he could easily get it ALL.  He still refused to take some things.  He also said I "packed some of my children's pictures in his things" and he brought them back to me even though I told him not to.  I certainly did NOT pack those things in his stuff.  In fact, he brought back 3 boxes of my things.  He did not know, but every box I had packed for him had a neon sticker on it (to avoid mistakes when I had my friends helping move them all to the garage).  The boxes he "returned" to me did NOT have the stickers, so I know he took them intentionally so he had a reason to contact me again.

My lawyer says I can't get rid of the things he left behind, so at some point, I have to do it a 4th time.  So ridiculous!

Secretsister
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Metta
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« Reply #18 on: March 04, 2010, 10:31:33 PM »

Interesting.

My ex is so far away he can't just stop by to retrieve an item.

But when we were a long-distance couple and he'd fly out to be with me, he'd always always always make a point of leaving an item behind.

I asked why and he replied he just had a funny "thing" about wanting to leave something of his in my apartment.

Later, I see this impulse in a scary and negative way: he won't completely leave my life and let me heal. He keeps reinserting himself.

I think this is connected with the "forgetting" of items.
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2010, 10:46:47 PM »

Excerpt
Later, I see this impulse in a scary and negative way: he won't completely leave my life and let me heal. He keeps reinserting himself.

Interesting choice of words. Definitely conjures up scary and even evil.
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cali girl
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« Reply #20 on: March 04, 2010, 10:52:51 PM »

yes, and when thinking back to when we first met Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  he would drive out to see me on the weekends and would LEAVE HIS WATCH on my dresser everytime - at the time I thought it was cute - fast forward to now and he's still leaving his crap behind.  its so bizarre that they all have the same behaviors and tendancies  PD traits
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PrettyPatty
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« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2010, 12:30:56 AM »

Hey CG, I just thought of something really constructive you can do with that fishing pole of his... .If you are anywhere near Long Beach, take yourself and that pole to the convention center to the Fred Hall's Fishing Show this weekend.

Walk around with that pole in your hand and you will fish yourself more than twelve men before the day is over, I assure you of that.  More men gather at that show than at any other men gathering event... .

If I had a fishing pole, I'd do it.  Too bad my exBPD is going to be there... .Don't worry, you wouldn't pick him up, he is ugly as heck, but if you want to be sure, I can tell you where is going to be and what he looks like, just in case... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    x
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2010
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« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2010, 02:50:31 AM »

Excerpt
YOU LIVE 2 HOURS AWAY why on earth would you ever just be in the neighborhood?

It's called a re-engagement. Now that you've been re-engaged, you need to make a decision. Simple blocking of telephone numbers would have solved it a long time ago, but if there is some reason why you cant do this (such as shared custody) then you need to draw a boundary- either returning the items by agreement or being firm in agreed time and place. You do not have to be there- ask a friend to hand them over. Then it's done.
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Tivo8MyNeighbors
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« Reply #23 on: March 05, 2010, 04:09:42 AM »

I'm thinking this isn't behavior confined to BPDs.  My ex was Passive Aggressive, but he pulled the, "You left some junk over here, I'll just mosey over to return it to you, despite your clear message that you don't want it, or me, back," routine.  Sure, when I left him, I was forced by necessity to abandon some belongings (some of it I was even pretty attached to), but frankly, I counted them as a nuisance fee.  If getting rid of him meant I lost some stuff, it was a small price to pay, believe me.

Maybe to them, it's a way of keeping that last little tentacle wrapped around your legs... .or neck.

*big hugs*

Tivo
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jag02006
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« Reply #24 on: March 05, 2010, 02:35:47 PM »

When my ex left me for the last time (abruptly, of course) she left some horrible things behind in the apartment that we shared. When I came back to the apartment with my dad to move my stuff out as well (after I found out she had left, I decided to move home) I found her personal diary (no way this wasn't intentional). Of course I opened it up to find all sorts of depressing poems about her cutting herself. She also must have been smoking when she moved out as she left behind a few butts (she hid her off and on smoking from me for most of our three year relationship). It wasn't enough just to leave me I guess... .she also had to screw with my mind.
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TonyC
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« Reply #25 on: March 05, 2010, 03:01:33 PM »

the number one answer

my boyfriend is using them right now and he likes them... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

just kidding...


ship them... .send them to him its worth the price of shipping...

it also sends a strong message... .
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #26 on: March 05, 2010, 05:48:58 PM »

the number one answer

my boyfriend is using them right now and he likes them... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

just kidding...


ship them... .send them to him its worth the price of shipping...

it also sends a strong message... .

In a reasonable, rational world it would send a strong message. But, then again, in a reasonable, rational world, this stuff probably wouldn't be happening.
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2010
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« Reply #27 on: March 05, 2010, 07:37:15 PM »

Excerpt
in a reasonable, rational world, this stuff probably wouldn't be happening.

Yea, but it is. Crazy people are everywhere in life. You cant deny that.

Crazy people only give their business to who they think *wants* their business. That's how crazy people work. Using willing partners justifies their own denial.

Close your doors for good to them and let them know that -they-can-*no-longer*-do-business-with you. They'll find somebody else, believe me. It's their way to deal with abandonment shame- by remora-ing on to another human being to carry them along.

If you cant shut your doors to a customer that gives you grief and exhausts your energy, then your business will fail. Set some bondaries and be good to yourself.

Life isnt fair. Begin with this one human being - treat them like a parasite- Deal with it as you would like to be treated. Be firm- Be final.  If you do, there will be no need to mop up the blood left behind from the slow bleed. Cauterize and be quick. Do it now.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #28 on: March 05, 2010, 07:46:11 PM »

2010  x

Love reading your posts. Like you I've realized what I got into and now I've been focusing on myself, on becoming a healthier person. I read self help books, I meditate, Yoga, and I'm also reading books that help you for future relationships.

We have to let them go, unfortunately some people find this harder to do than others. Instead they cling to hope that things will change and unfortunately things don't. This is a very serious mental illnes. But the only way they (pwBPD) can do damage is if YOU let them, and still after this is explained, people don't understand it and continue to play the victim role. The victim role will continue unless they choose to stop it.
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cali girl
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« Reply #29 on: March 05, 2010, 08:02:05 PM »

He emailed me today asking for me to "put his fishing pole in the carport" and he will come by "while I'm at work" next week - his intentions are either just a weak re-engagement, or him just coming to snoop around.  Either way he is satisfying some NEED of his... .WHATEVER.  And I believe he "left the fishing pole his son bought him for xmas" cause he knows I won't get rid of it due to sentimental reasons and I'm damn sure not mailing it to him.  Oh well, he can spend the gas money to come pick it up, I'll be working.  He has nothing better to do with his unemployed ass but drive around and waste gas.

You think maybe he will DROP something on his way out and need to return next week?

  
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #30 on: March 05, 2010, 08:04:45 PM »

Excerpt
It's their way to deal with abandonment shame- by remora-ing on to another human being to carry them along.

I was thinking more along the lines of a lamprey, a leech, or a vampire ... .maybe a lampire?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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LifesaDance
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« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2010, 08:12:35 PM »

Excerpt
You think maybe he will DROP something on his way out and need to return next week?

Me thinks he will show up at your place closer to the time you return home to be sure to 'accidentally run into you' Idea
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2010, 08:20:48 PM »

Excerpt
Me thinks he will show up at your place closer to the time you return home to be sure to 'accidentally run into you'

I completely agree!

Mine pulled that one on me on Feb 7th when he came to pick up his things. He sent me a text at 10:15AM to please leave because he was going to be at my house at 10:30AM, I thought  ?. I sent him a text back that it wasn't enough time and that it would have been nice if he would have told me this the night before so that I could have gotten the kids and I ready sooner. We would have been out of the house at 9:00AM! But anywho there is only so much you can do. Now my xBPDbf left a lot of his stuff behind, but this time I sent him a text telling him the next time he comes to pick up the rest of his belongings he needs to notify me in ADVANCE.
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confused01

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« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2010, 08:25:05 PM »

Mine comes for her stuff and takes half of it, and leaves other things.

I can't go total nc for another six weeks because of a business. After that I will then load everything into a truck and take it to her - my final goodbye. She wanted to stay friends I now know it cannot work, she doesn't know how to be a friend. Friends don't use and abuse other friends. Six months ago we were going to get married, now I am an on call friend.  I so look forward to total nc, because this isn't working. I'm not making any headway with healing.
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Metta
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« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2010, 09:37:21 PM »

Interesting choice of words. Definitely conjures up scary and even evil.

Yes. Thanks for the nice reply/acknowledgement.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

As an aside to anyone who cares to comment: could it be related to the supposed BPD lack of object constancy? They cannot feel connected to you when you're out of sight and so leaving some trinket with you is their remedy.

Just some armchair psychologizing on my part here... .
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anker
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« Reply #35 on: March 05, 2010, 10:53:15 PM »

When I told my best friend how depressed I was about him leaving she said "there's plenty of leeches in the puddle and if you stick your leg out another will latch on soon enough"

It made me laugh!
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PrettyPatty
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« Reply #36 on: March 05, 2010, 11:04:12 PM »

And there goes Anker again... .    Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

What are you, a Stand-Up Comedian or something?   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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anker
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« Reply #37 on: March 05, 2010, 11:08:42 PM »

I sit down mostly
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sarah1234
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« Reply #38 on: March 08, 2010, 05:05:29 PM »

Sarah, would you chalk this up to his sense of entitlement or stealing - either way he's GONE  3

I dont know if I can put this on the boards, but its my vibrator. I wouldn't want it back!
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lostinkansas
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« Reply #39 on: March 08, 2010, 05:22:45 PM »

My BPD exgf left behind many things including presents from me from birthdays and xmas' past, "journal type" writings in various places which I discovered over months and other sexual type things which I never saw in the relationship. I believe it was all done on purpose by her. Some of it was out of cruelty and some has been used for re-engagement attempts.

On the other side... .she also took some of my items which really baffles me. About 80% of my socks went with her? I believe this may be from lack of object constancy. She actually took to wearing my socks a few months before she dumped me. Very odd, then she just took most with her when she left. After changing the lock, I had to go buy some socks!
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cali girl
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« Reply #40 on: March 08, 2010, 05:36:33 PM »

locks and socks are better than the alternative 

my ex emailed me a "list" of things he "still needs to come pick up" - when I move from somewhere, I normally take EVERYTHING so I don't have to drive 2 hours to pick up stupid stuff.  I'm sure he will bring things to plant on the property, its an acre I'm sure he'll have to pick up something he left in the shed next week    I think he's doing it so he can snoop around while I'm at work. 

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!


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goldenblunder
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« Reply #41 on: March 09, 2010, 02:59:48 PM »

So what do I do with her cat?  In truth, I like the cat and would miss it, but it's hers and I don't care to keep a meowing reminder of her.
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lostinkansas
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« Reply #42 on: March 09, 2010, 03:13:39 PM »

AAAHHH!

Mine tried to leave her cat too. It has got to go with her. This is a re-engagement attempt. It was really hard for because I liked the cat, but I made her take it. Otherwise, I knew she would be back weekly to torture me. My ex BPD gf claimed she wanted to leave it because the cat loved me and hated her! (she owned the cat way before she met me since it was a kitten)
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NHBeachBum
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« Reply #43 on: March 09, 2010, 08:05:44 PM »

I think it really comes down to their selfishness & constant need for control. If they leave something then they have an "excuse" to contact us non's again when they need something (they're horny, lonely, bored, or just want to stir up the pot again).

In my situation my exBPDgf tried to leave a tv at my place. I told her to take her tv but she argued with me about it. She said she didn't want it & that I should donate it to charity. I packed up all her things & all the stuff she gave me as gifts & the tv & drove over to one of her friends & asked her if she could take care of them until my exBPDgf could pick them up. Problem solved. My exBPDgf was PISSED! If I would have donated it to charity, months later my exBPDgf would have called me up asking for it back for her new "soul mate". Then she most likely would have screamed at me for being selfish for donating it. If I still had it, she could call me up to hook up... .then she could tell me all about her latest "soul mates". How fun for me... .not really so much. I'm glad I closed the doors. Seeing her try to re-engagement me at my gym just solidifies that we're not compatible.

I think your best move would be to pack up the fishing rod & any other of his stuff & mail it to him... .then de-friend him on facebook.

-NHBB
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cali girl
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« Reply #44 on: March 09, 2010, 10:12:50 PM »

Hey BeachBum, long time no see!  Hope things are staying well with you... .

He already befriended me on Facebook before he moved out, then he comes at me with the classic email asking why we can't remain friends  ?, why I'm so cold, etc, etc, etc.  a friend that requires that much work... .one minute they are your friend, the next... .well you know   

The fishing pole is in the carport, he has one last chance to come get his stuff - I won't be here.  I do know that it has to do with control, he retains a certain amount of it as long as he has something here.  I think it also gives him a feeling that he still "belongs" here?  Again, WHATEVER! 

Although, this could just be us non's overthinking everything  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2010, 06:12:08 AM »

Hey BeachBum, long time no see!  Hope things are staying well with you... .

He already befriended me on Facebook before he moved out, then he comes at me with the classic email asking why we can't remain friends  ?, why I'm so cold, etc, etc, etc.  a friend that requires that much work... .one minute they are your friend, the next... .well you know   

The fishing pole is in the carport, he has one last chance to come get his stuff - I won't be here.  I do know that it has to do with control, he retains a certain amount of it as long as he has something here.  I think it also gives him a feeling that he still "belongs" here?  Again, WHATEVER! 

Although, this could just be us non's overthinking everything  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Hey Cali,

It has been a while. Is this the same guy from a few years ago? I'm hoping you didn't go a find a new BPD? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Things are very well for me these days... .just visited the nook to get some feedback on how to keep things well. Send me a pm or find me on FB & I'll fill you in on the last couple years.

My advice for you would be to unfriend him & send him a very brief to-the-point note stating why. Something like "we tried to remain friends in the past but it seems that we cannot seem to be respectful & courteous to each other so I'd rather not be connected to you on FB. Please do not send me a friend request in the future. Take Care." I'd keep it generic & word it so that it's "us" & not "him" so he won't take it too personally & go off on you.

Regarding his belongings - you now know it's all about control. For you to take control back, you simply send him an e-mail and give him a date & time to pick up all his things. Let him know that they will be left out in a box in the driveway (if you have a driveway). If they are not picked up or he cannot be there at the time you specify, let him know that you will ship them to his new place. Send it out & close that door for good. If you call then he can debate you or argue or try to control the day & the time.

Us non's do tend to over think things, dwell in the past, think about what could we have done differently, what should we have done, maybe it really was us (after hearing over & over rages about how we "trigger" our BPD). Once the dust settles & peace & clarity set in, the fog lifts & reality becomes apparent again. Keep it simple. Give your exBPD no reason or opportunity to contact you if you wish to go no contact.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

-NHBB
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