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Author Topic: I always wanted to know...  (Read 1947 times)
Healingheart.
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« on: March 04, 2010, 07:37:21 PM »

Is there a non here who has never been contacted back by their BPD ex?

A veteran here who has not received a re-engagement or an attempt from their ex?

Because honestly I been hearing a lot about people who has given in to to their ex for many reasons but I think it's time we hear from those who have remained NC and have not been re-engaged. Is it really a blessing like people claim or is it harder as time goes on because they it felt like threw us away like trash? ?

The reasons I ask is because I am feeling a bit weak being her birthday is coming up and I want to at least wish her a happy birthday with out breaking NC.
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francienolan
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2010, 07:56:44 PM »

I've been NC since December 2009, which doesn't make me a veteran by any means but I can tell you I feel like I've been thrown out like trash most of the time. Don't want to be re-engaged, but at the same time would like to know that I meant SOMETHING to SOMEONE. Even though I "get it"--he's disordered, has the emotions of a 3 year-old, may feel remorse at times, blah, blah, blah, I wish someone could explain it to my heart. Life sucks today. And forget you and your InternalServer 505 errror, bpdfamily!
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KMTTP
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2010, 09:02:03 PM »

I have been NC since January 2, 2010... .and I have days where it is so hard and then days where I am so happy to not be stressed out by being in the relationship.

I completely understand why you want to wish her a happy birthday... .BUT... .I wouldn't do it.  My ex did not even say happy birthday to me back in October... .(we were broken up... .but we were still trying to detach).  I wished her a happy birthday (hers was in december). 

I kind of regret it... .to be honest.  There is no reason to feel guilt if you don't wish her a happy birthday.  You know what you can do?... .maybe have a nice big cupcake on the day of her birthday and say a prayer that she get help.  That may help you get through the day... .hope that helps.
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Healingheart.
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2010, 09:40:58 PM »

I have been NC since January 2, 2010... .and I have days where it is so hard and then days where I am so happy to not be stressed out by being in the relationship.

I completely understand why you want to wish her a happy birthday... .BUT... .I wouldn't do it.  My ex did not even say happy birthday to me back in October... .(we were broken up... .but we were still trying to detach).  I wished her a happy birthday (hers was in december). 

I kind of regret it... .to be honest.  There is no reason to feel guilt if you don't wish her a happy birthday.  You know what you can do?... .maybe have a nice big cupcake on the day of her birthday and say a prayer that she get help.  That may help you get through the day... .hope that helps.

thank you for the suggestion KMTTP and Francienolan I can feel your pain I wish I could tell my heart what I my brain knows but my heart is stubborn.
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cali girl
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2010, 09:48:24 PM »

If you need to question whether or not to wish her a happy birthday, than skip it.  It would mean more to you than her anyway, remember you are disposable and your kind thoughts and gracious gestures are never appreciated... .try staying no contact and REWARD YOURSELF instead... .

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Healingheart.
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2010, 10:56:56 PM »

Appreciate your advice Cali girl.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2010, 04:04:38 AM »

but at the same time would like to know that I meant SOMETHING to SOMEONE.

This is many of our joint collective problems. It's like that analogy from yesterday about the clown. The clown beat us black and blue time and again but we want to know those beatings meant something to our abuser!

To a person who is not BPD and not non... .that's a very freaky sentiment. What about your friends and family, people who (hopefully!) dont abuse you, why are you looking for signs of care from someone who (i assume) didnt show you real care originally.

I wanted a re-engagement, I spent a month wanting it, I got it this week and it set me back a little because it was cold and searching to protect her fragile ego.

What is it you really want her/him to say. If you're not going back what can they really say to make this better. What you want... .probably... is an apology, they can't give that in my exp. It took me a long time to accept that, but all this is within me, its got nothing to do with her.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2010, 06:52:21 AM »

I've been NC since September, with my own little guilt-induced self re-engagement blip in early November, and absolutely NC since then.

I anticipate that I will never hear from him again.

In the end, I had suggested counseling to him (before I even knew about BPD, I didn't have a name for it but I knew he was dealing with some serious demons).  When I checked on him a couple of months later, he wanted to continue contact, despite having moved the new woman (aka victim) in to his apartment and I told him no way, no how, and asked him how he thought SHE would feel about him being in touch with ME.

I think that he realized I no longer idolized him, that I was becoming more and more willing to confront him with his hurtful actions, and I'm pretty sure I'm permanently painted black.

Which is okay with me.

I do struggle with desperate curiosity about how he's doing, if his relationship is still going on, etc.   I stop by an online bulletin board he participates on for little clues, but no re-engagement from him and he will damned sure not get one from me.  For any reason.

NC is a gift.  The longer you are away, the more clarity you get, no matter how painful it is.  Tincture of time and all of that, and you gradually start to realize you are BETTER off with them out of your life entirely.  Sure wish it was a linear process (it wasn't for me) but I can damned sure tell you I am in a better place than I was last month, or the month before, etc.

Hang in there.  Everyone has their own path, and they need to follow it, but my advice would be to stay NC.

For you.  Why not be a little selfish at this point?  Listen to the brain instead of the broken heart ... .

x

VanessaG
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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2010, 07:09:04 AM »

I've been strict NC for over a year and 1/2. I did get re-engaged about 5 or 6 times. I resisted and did not reply once ... whether i was broken hearted or not. 

NC is an effective and proven method of breaking free and staying free.  At this point i would NEVER wish for anything in my life that i had 1.5 years ago and i do not miss a thing. You don't need BPD craziness in your life. There are many opportunities for a great and a happy life with normal people that will treat you right.

Unless of course what you wish for in your life is insecurity, lying, un-faithfullness, emotional abuse, dishonesty, raging, marathon silent treatments, emotional roller coaster ride, "she loves me - she loves me not", distancing, instability, distrust, anxiety, inconsistency, never knowing when the shoe will drop and a general feeling of "WTH?" 

If that is what you wish for yourself ... .go ahead and give her a call !   

ION
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Healingheart.
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« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2010, 11:25:51 AM »

Thank you guy Im.Okay.now, VanessaG, I enjoy reading the replies. Just hope I stay as strong as you both are.
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Indigo Sky
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« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2010, 01:04:25 PM »

I agree! If NC is working for you... .dont slow down.

I have read that NPD have BPD traits. NPD's have a higher incidence of not contacting their exes.

I also think this depends on your BPD, some are more fragile than others, some continue to contact, others may not contact for years... .the key of when they contact depends solely on their needs... .if they need you... .they contact you... .

I dont think they throw us NONs away like trash... .I look at it quite differently... .I see them unable to handle life... .they enter a new relationship... .and for them... .in order for the relationship to succeed... .they need no stress... .no hastles, no problems and everything their own way... .they have no coping mechanisms... .unable to really work out problems... .so eventually the problems and stress builds to where they have to run away and hide... .its their way of coping with life... .by running... .

When I discovered my ex was BPD... .I stopped taking it personally... .I knew she would and will act the same with every partner she is with... .

Best wishes
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Harker
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« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2010, 01:19:03 PM »

The 'happy birthday' thing is a tough one to get your head around.  There's a healthy dose of Obligation and Guilt involved.

The gauge for me is... .why am I doing it and what response do I expect?  Is it because I simply genuinely want her to know that someone is thinking about her on her birthday and I expect no response, or do I want her to recognize that I'm a good person because I remembered and wished her a happy birthday (i.e. I expect a response).  

If it's door #2 I'm looking for validation, which is an exercise in futility, as we all know.  If it's door #1 and I'm fine with getting no response, then there's no problem doing it.

But since we're on here espousing NC and detachment and all that, it seems prudent to me to simply not bother.  The key to that is to not feel guilty about it.
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PrettyPatty
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« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2010, 10:57:31 PM »

Excerpt
Is there a non here who has never been contacted back by their BPD ex?

I have not been contacted by BPD since November, 2009, but it largely has to do with the fact that I went strictly NC right after I left his house.  When the NON leaves, it validates the BPD's false beliefs that they will be abandoned sooner or later, so this really disturbs them, perhaps wounds them further.  I am by no means a veteran, but I can tell you with certainty NC works wonders.

My exBPD's birthday was in December.  I wanted so bad to acknowledge it and let him know I was still thinking of him, but I knew that any move I made would completely take my message of walking out that door and my power away.  He did not acknowledge my February's birthday either.  I struggled for 3 months with this immense internal conflict of wanting him to know I loved him and telling myself I would survive this too, since I knew for a fact there was no going back.

Excerpt
Is it really a blessing like people claim or is it harder as time goes on because they it felt like threw us away like trash? huh

First of all, you are not trash, non of us are.  If we feel like we are, in the worse of our moments, it's because we have a primitive sense of being abandoned and want our connection with the person we loved back.  But you are not a babe anymore, you can look around and realize that love is really all around you, and you can actually profit from it by reaching out and enjoying all the love and blessings that are given onto us everyday.  Through friends, family, posting boards like Ftf, even a stranger's smile can fill your soul if you allow it to shine through you.

Think of your BPD's birthday, relish it in your mind, have a cupcake, a birthday song, but let your thoughts be like birds that the wind takes away, never more to be heard of, so you can be safe, and happy at the same time, yet with NC.  And keep coming back... .Post your thoughts, your feelings, because we can all learn a little from each other, all the time... . 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    x   
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anker
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« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2010, 11:19:59 PM »

We first dated years ago.

I didn't talk to him much for something like five years. Not really NC but no contact really.

Last Jan he called me and asked to take another run at it.


I don't care if he shows up twenty years from now. In through with this crap.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2010, 04:05:06 AM »

We first dated years ago.

I didn't talk to him much for something like five years. Not really NC but no contact really.

Last Jan he called me and asked to take another run at it.


I don't care if he shows up twenty years from now. In through with this crap.

Weird! Who does that out of nowhere! They dont have the first clue how they hurt people.
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2010
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« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2010, 06:00:48 AM »

Excerpt
The 'happy birthday' thing is a tough one to get your head around.  There's a healthy dose of Obligation and Guilt involved.

The gauge for me is... .why am I doing it and what response do I expect?  Is it because I simply genuinely want her to know that someone is thinking about her on her birthday and I expect no response, or do I want her to recognize that I'm a good person because I remembered and wished her a happy birthday (i.e. I expect a response). 

If it's door #2 I'm looking for validation, which is an exercise in futility, as we all know.  If it's door #1 and I'm fine with getting no response, then there's no problem doing it.

But since we're on here espousing NC and detachment and all that, it seems prudent to me to simply not bother.  The key to that is to not feel guilty about it.

Brilliant post, Harker. If I could add anything, it's my interpretation of a Birthday celebration. While it might be different from yours, I get by with thinking that a Birthday is a way to give thanks to someone for being in your life. A little gift, a card- these things show appreciation.

But this board is about detaching- and disengaging from an abusive partner.

You may still love this person and hope for their happiness- but you've got to understand that they have used you in the past. That is nothing to be thankful for unless you become a better person for it. And becoming a better person means respecting yourself.

If you still want to celebrate the ex's birthday: Buy a red balloon and one slice of cake. Take it to a park and speak your peace to the sky. Release the balloon. Watch it fly away. Have a bite of cake. Cry if you feel like it.

The end result will be similar to having had that person there. Because after the celebration, you're left with yourself. And that's what would happen the day after the ex's Birthday anyway... .  Idea

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francienolan
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« Reply #16 on: March 06, 2010, 07:05:38 AM »

First of all, you are not trash, non of us are.  If we feel like we are, in the worse of our moments, it's because we have a primitive sense of being abandoned and want our connection with the person we loved back.  But you are not a babe anymore, you can look around and realize that love is really all around you, and you can actually profit from it by reaching out and enjoying all the love and blessings that are given onto us everyday.  Through friends, family, posting boards like Ftf, even a stranger's smile can fill your soul if you allow it to shine through you.

Thanks for this, PrettyPatty. I think I needed to hear this today.
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sandyb
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« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2010, 07:36:58 AM »



I have been no contact since August 2008, but that was at the point I realised it was futile and a lesson in pain to try or hope to gain any coherence over our split.  I was never really re-engaged although the last time she contacted me was just prior to her birthday some 3 months out to tell me how messed up she was, foolishly I responded to it and wished her a happy birthday. Guess what? I was expecting a response and some acknowledgement from her, not a chance in hell was that going to happen. I have never heard a word since, difficult but in many ways a blessing.

In the real outside world wishing a happy birthday would be fine and a reasonable sentiment, here though if you have any hope beyond just wishing a happy birthday as well to put your hand in the wasp nest for the 9th time to see if it still results in ouch! It is in my opinion another no win scenario for you, tread carefully.

Sandyb
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2010, 08:09:46 AM »

I have been no contact since August 2008, but that was at the point I realised it was futile and a lesson in pain to try or hope to gain any coherence over our split.  I was never really re-engaged although the last time she contacted me was just prior to her birthday some 3 months out to tell me how messed up she was, foolishly I responded to it and wished her a happy birthday. Guess what? I was expecting a response and some acknowledgement from her, not a chance in hell was that going to happen. I have never heard a word since, difficult but in many ways a blessing.

In the real outside world wishing a happy birthday would be fine and a reasonable sentiment, here though if you have any hope beyond just wishing a happy birthday as well to put your hand in the wasp nest for the 9th time to see if it still results in ouch! It is in my opinion another no win scenario for you, tread carefully.

Sandyb

ugh!

Thats exactly why I don't reply. Its so typical of re-engaging even if you have recently broken up or longer, they look for your attention, you think they are really reaching out for you but they just want to see if you are still in their pockets. I am like the Terminator with this woman now, she gets no sympathy, she gets no reply, softness or anything, one of the only times I ever saw her upset was her saying "you haven't said one nice word to me all day" (keep in mind, this was the day I found her cheating emails! WTH)!

She deserves no ounce of love nor sympathy. *oozziiiie 9mm* - I wont be back.
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phoebe

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« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2010, 09:12:02 AM »

Okay well I am so new here but I just want to add a comment to this because I just recently went through the same thing. She was my best friend and she cut me out of her life completely in Jan 7th 2010. So NC since that day and there was no blow up or temper tantrum... .just follow up emails that were so harsh it about killed my soul. Fast forward to her birthday Feb 16... .a big one too... .her 50th

Now up until the time she cut me out of her life I was going to fly out to wear she lives... .gather all her friends together and surprise her... .well needless to say that got shot down. On her birthday I agonized over weather to call her... .I had already bought 2 birthday cards prior to the Jan 7th incident and the proceeding events that occured after that. So I sat here that day and thought to myself... .what is it that I expect from calling her and wishing her a Happy Birthday? Well we all have delusions of "oh they will be so appreciative" or at least I have done the loving thing and she will still know I care... .WRONG! People with BPD it seems from what I have read can not regulate their emotional responses to things in what we as NONs see in normal ways... .so you just never know what you are going to get. So if you get what you expect, being the type of people we are, we fall right back into the confines of their up and down roller coaster emotional ride... .and if we get some other off the wall emotion we feel like trash again... .FOR WHAT. You have to know in your heart that you still love this person but in saying that... .love yourself enough to not subject yourself to the unknown. Chances are it will not be viewed the way you expect and you will once again be left holding this emotional pile of crap. NC weather you like it or not is the only way to keep surviving through this pain... .and if contact is made by them... .and you choose to become involved again... .set boundaries... .The ball should stay in their court until they get some therapy for sure
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