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What is the biology of the break-up... The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to do just about anything to make the hurt go away -- and that includes a host of unhealthy things ranging from demonizing their ex-partner, to excessive anger, to bashing whole groups of people.
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Author Topic: do they ever admit to cheating ?  (Read 17194 times)
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Posts: 93

« on: March 05, 2010, 05:51:20 AM »

do they ever admit to cheating ?

if they did why dont they just admit it
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Gender: Male
Posts: 808

« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2010, 06:00:46 AM »

Think of it this way. It's a compulsion, not a one time "mistake."

When people are empty inside, they use others to feel better. They are like empty buckets that need filling up. The only problem is that there are holes in their bucket. Whatever they use to fill up the bucket doesn't stay with them because it's not the love contents- it's the container.

To ask why they cheat or to get them to admit to it isnt as important as finding out why they thought the cheating would make them feel better. Half the battle is in getting them to understand the compulsion that doesn't solve or provide a solution to their pain.
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Posts: 93

« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2010, 06:10:58 AM »

but do they not admit it because if they do you are lost to them forever ?
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Posts: 26353

« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2010, 07:16:51 AM »

infamous, it is terribly painful when we suspect our s.o.'s of cheating...  It's a horrible thing to do to any relationship.

As to why they do't admit it...  there are as many reasons why they won't say "I did it." as there are reasons that people cheat.  Most people won't admit that they cheated, and that's true of people without BPD.  They fear their partner's anger; they fear violence; they don't want the relationship to end.  Maybe it's "just" a flirtation and there wasn't any physical cheating. 

But admitting vs. not admitting... I don't think that has anything to do with BPD.

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« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2010, 07:30:11 AM »

I always thought there was another factor for my BPDex.  I think if he admitted he was cheating it would mean he was admitting he was doing something "bad" and that he was therefore also "bad."

Everything is so black and white for them that I think it's a huge leap to admit wrong-doing.

Just my thoughts on it.


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Posts: 39

« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2010, 07:45:19 AM »

Mine admitted to me that she cheated.  She was advised by her family no to tell me, but she said that she had to if we were ever going to make a go of our relationship again.  All it did was rip me apart.  She could care less about me.  It's all about her feelings.  I wish I never knew.  It has been killing me.
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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2010, 09:09:39 AM »

mine admitted it but in a roundabout way.

She denied that she was "involved" with anyone else before it happened(the plan to cheat was set in motion) and then denied it for a short time afterwards. But would leave little hints all the time. Suddenly started taking birth control pills and have me pick up her "prescriptions" for her. The way I eventually found out was through a conversation she had on skype that she left open for me to read. After I read it she never denied the affair- other than to refer to it as an "encounter" vs affair- for whatever thats worth. Her specialty was leaving things out in the open for me to read or "discover." I never understood this behavior. It was some crazy way for her to communicate with me but then go crazy on me for snooping.

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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2010, 11:04:45 AM »

Mine liked to "throw it at me" during those brief periods of tedium where I was painted black... (ok, so most of the time that we were married).  When she "raged," one of her favorite things to do was to "gloat" about her self-destructive behavior, knowing how it made me feel.  Painting me black wasn't bad enough, she tried to tie her choices to my actions.  She cheated because of XYZ I DID.  She used drugs because of PDQ.  If I had done better at ABC, she wouldn't have had sex with so-and-so while I was out of town.

After her "final rage" (see my very first thread in 2007 where she attempted suicide), and the subsequent boundary setting by JR (go me!), she did it just to lash out after "failed re-engagement attempts."  It was almost like a yo-yo.  I love you, can't live without you, blah, blah, etc... followed by "you were going to leave me anyway," "you never loved me," "BTW, I slept with every male neighbor we ever had... " etc.

I would suspect that the number of BPDs who haven't cheated at all is pretty low, but then, I am basing that on my own experiences.
joe bfxlk
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Posts: 64

« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2010, 03:10:17 PM »

This is a fascinating set of postings.  I agree that the first cut must be, "Why do people in general cheat?"  And some good general suggestions are here.  It seems to me that the thought especially pertinent to BPD's is the desire to actually flaunt the infidelity and to consciously use it as a hurt toward a faithful partner.  Further,  I would say the BPD is more likely than most to shift blame for the affair onto the partner, as part of the generalized tendency toward non-accountability.

Finally, I'd suggest that there is the role that the necessary secondary untruthfullness plays.  The BPD seems oblivious to the meaning and social consequences of truth itself.  After all, for him or her, the only truth is her truth, or worse yet, his truth at that particular moment.  This is closely tied to nonexistence of the personhood of the partner they are associated with, which also leads to the gaslight effect.  It is OK to lie to the partner, because the partner does not have the constancy of personhood that necessitates enough respect to require truthfullness. This is a self-reinforcing feedback system, too.  Lying increases as the partner seems increasingly deserving of less and less respect.  After a while, the lying simply becomes habitual.  The partner is even seen as deserving the deceit! Redirecting Mark Twain:  It isn't that they lie, it's just that there are so many reasons that prevent them from getting together with the truth at the same time and place.
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« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2010, 03:16:29 PM »

but do they not admit it because if they do you are lost to them forever ?

mine went both ways... she would do it and lie about it.  or do it and admit it to test my boundaries. 
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