She wasn't so unique afterall

[Dorian]

I've been missing the exBPDw a lot in the last 6 weeks - what have I been missing? The lies? The raging and psychological games?  Uh, there must have been something more basic. Maybe it was just the drama. Or something chemical. I used to think my ex was so unique but I recently had an experience that taught me otherwise.

So, about a week ago I went to a dance night at a local bar (80's music night).  There was this girl there who really reminded me of my ex on the first night I met her. This chick was dancing crazy and bumping asses with all the guys. She had big wide set eyes, a vivacious body and bleach blonde hair that looked like she dyed it too often. She was throwing back drinks. I felt such a strong attraction to her, stronger than I had felt towards any woman since meeting my ex 4 years ago. I danced with her and practically felt drunk off of the energy coming off of her. She was flirting and after she had sat down I caught her eyes and she kind of rolled them to the side in a way that was very similar to what my ex had done on the night I met her. It took a lot of will power to avoid going over to talk to her. From past experience I know that any woman who I feel that kind of strong instant attraction to is bad news and very likely a borderline. I was bargaining with myself: Just for a night? One date? It was too risky. I got my jacket and left.

But here's the interesting part. I kept thinking about this girl from the bar for a few days. But during that time I hardly thought of the ex at all and I didn't miss her one bit. It makes me feel shallow and stupid, but it also highlights a fact for me. My ex wasn't unique. She was just sick in the way that fits my own illness (whatever it is, I'm still trying to figure it out).  There are thousands of women that could be a substitute for her.

[innerspirit]

Hi Dorian -- interesting post.

You know, there have been times in my recovery that I've felt so many coincidences, powerful ones -- I don't know if there's some element of Fate in that or whether I've just been in such an acutely aware stage emotionally that I've picked up on things I'd typically ignore.

The good news is that your internal radar is sensing the red flags and you're fetching your jacket and leaving, rather than being drawn in magnetically.  Must have been quite a temptation, like discovering a clone.  It almost sounds like a Stephen King story -- but you chose to disengage, to avoid the Drama and the moral of the dark tale.

Maybe there are 1000's of women who could fill the void right now -- and maybe it's more because of the void inside than the women themselves.  It sounds to me like you're processing that sort of discovery rather than pursuing her.  BPD or no, you sensed what would have been a sort of trap for you personally --- whew, dodged that bullet!

Meanwhile, while in such a sensitive spot, let the shared experiences of this cyberworld be a comfort.  I don't know quite how I stumbled onto this website, but I can tell you for sure that it's changed my life, finding those who have been thru such similar relationships, those on the road to recovery, those who have healed and are so ready to lend support.

x

Take care --

I.S.

[2010]

My ex wasn't unique. She was just sick in the way that fits my own illness (whatever it is, I'm still trying to figure it out).  There are thousands of women that could be a substitute for her.

O Dorian! That's a good post!  

"Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong.

How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Phil McGraw

[Dorian]

I.S., 2010 - Thanks so much for your responses. This forum has been an amazing support and I would still be reeling from the break-up without it. I shudder to think where I would still be if I hadn't learned more about BPD and the extent to which my ex's behavior is a product of her mental illness. I might have blamed it all on myself.

[lostinkansas]

  I now realize the instant attraction thing that I've read about and can see how mine was with my ex BPD gf. I also realize how it happens to me out in public. Thank you for an excellent post!

I need a straight answer here, please. Sometimes in public I catch girls checking me out and feel an attraction and see that eye thing... .does this mean they may be BPD? Is this a trait or  ?

[Koro]

I feel this thread, and I hate girls I met hanging out, since I hate these kind of things, but hey, an energetic, young beautiful woman who is dancing her ass off and flirting doesn't mean she is borderline. Although, yea, it can be a 

[poppybb]

I now realize the instant attraction thing that I've read about and can see how mine was with my ex BPD gf. I also realize how it happens to me out in public. Thank you for an excellent post!

I need a straight answer here, please. Sometimes in public I catch girls checking me out and feel an attraction and see that eye thing... .does this mean they may be BPD? Is this a trait or  ?

I think the wild eye thing is a sign of something unstable going on ... .sometimes we are attracted to people who seem 'familiar' to us  , and we mistake that for attraction and something meaningful . The familiar can be a danger , I try and use the 'familiar' as a gut instinct now ... .and walk from it if it looks like it may hurt or damage me ... .your instincts become much much better as you recover .

[ashlawn]

I need a straight answer here, please. Sometimes in public I catch girls checking me out and feel an attraction and see that eye thing... .does this mean they may be BPD? Is this a trait or  ?

No, it's not a red flag - it's a flag they are attracted to you.  Healthy people do this exact same thing.  Girls are checking you out because they are attracted to you. 

The only conceivable problem here is that you might have difficulty believing you are attractive to them, and perhaps that's why you're prey for BPDs.  You might consider that instead you are simply a nice looking guy and feel good about that. 

[innerspirit]

Should we have a green flag icon?

(And a yellow one too - to indicate caution or just the need to slow down?)

Interesting that we Nons can become as bulls -- that a waving fabric may be perceived as red.

[goldenblunder]

I don't know.  Mine is pretty unique.  I suppose if I met your ex, Dorian, I would probably find her to be similar to mine, and vica versa.  But there aren't too many of these crazy fun women out there.  I have to say that I find most other women really boring.

So I guess that's the choice, go find another crazy party girl, who will probably be every bit as destructive as the last, or find a way to get over missing that crazy fun.

[Harker]

I gotta disagree... .crazy chicks are a dime a dozen.  I think I'm more like this guy:

www.theonion.com/content/node/34124


(Note to female readers: I've posted this humourous article before and I will again point out that all my viewpoints should be taken as gender-neutral... .I believe there are just as many crazy guys.  Furthermore, even my use of the word 'crazy' is simply meant to bring levity to the situation.)   x

[snappybrowneyes]

I gotta disagree... .crazy chicks are a dime a dozen.  I think I'm more like this guy:

www.theonion.com/content/node/34124


(Note to female readers: I've posted this humourous article before and I will again point out that all my viewpoints should be taken as gender-neutral... .I believe there are just as many crazy guys.  Furthermore, even my use of the word 'crazy' is simply meant to bring levity to the situation.)   x

That was hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh tonight!

[2010]

I gotta disagree... .crazy chicks are a dime a dozen.  I think I'm more like this guy:

"It's been this way my whole life. When I was 14, I got lucky with a classmate's mom. It's just the way it is: Deranged dolls dig me.

I don't even have to try. These women can tell I'm afflicted with a complementary set of psychiatric disorders and their ___ed-up-female intuition just can't resist. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining."

Harker, the Onion website is SATIRE. The reason this article is funny is because the Author is the proverbial pot calling the kettle black... .He seeks to blame his need for dysfunction and drama on others.  If you feel this way (more comfortable with crazy than normal- start to seek wise counsel. You'll uncover allot more about yourself than just accepting that "its just the way it is." It's not.

You hold the key- not the crazy people you give attention to. Try to find out why you are more comfortable going to these ___ed up people rather than getting away.

[Dorian]

I need a straight answer here, please. Sometimes in public I catch girls checking me out and feel an attraction and see that eye thing... .does this mean they may be BPD? Is this a trait or  Red Flag?

No, I think that's probably just attraction. Enjoy it - it's a nice ego boost.

For me, I get this all the time and there's no way I'd consider it a flag for BPD.  I'm talking about the fairly rare case (probably less than once a year) where I feel almost like I'll die if I don't get this woman. That's how it was with my ex. And that's how I perceived my reaction to this girl out dancing. I was obsessively thinking about her for days. I still feel a chill up my spine (adrenaline) just thinking of her.  I have to exercise will just to avoid going out looking for her around town. That's not normal. That's why I say she's probably borderline, because only borderline women have given me. In fact, my past dating was dominated by this tendency. I would simply stay single until I ran into one, then BAM!  I've dated 4 and married 2 borderline women. It's getting old.

Shiro - her dancing and acting crazy had little or nothing to do with it. I've fallen for these kind of women while they coyly sipped tea and read a book next to me in a cafe. It's the near-violent physical attraction that's an indicator which I now know is "probably BPD".

I want to emphasize that my key lesson from this experience is that I don't have to try to pursue a woman just because I feel this intense attraction. On the contrary, it's probably a reason to not pursue her, or at the very least, to take it really slow.  In the past I just said, "I'm in love. Gotta have it." I've spent up to a year courting and pursuing this type of woman before she relented and got with me.  It's obsession.

[Harker]

In case it wasn't obvious, I know The Onion is satire. 

Laughter is the best medicine, as they say.   

[NHBeachBum]

In my situation, when my exBPDgf had her infatuation stage with me, I noticed a gnawing feeling in my stomach. I could never put my finger on it. When I casually mentioned it to my T, he almost fell off his chair. He pointed out that it was my gut instinct! We all have some inner sense & it can get triggered. In my case, it was trying to tell me to pay attention to all the stupidly enormous glaring red flags! When I was younger I met many wild dancing flirty girls at bars... .some had issues, some were just blowing off steam with their girl friends on a random Fri/Sat night. Point is, we all should now be much more educated about mental illness & listening to our gut feeling about new people when we meet them.

Nothing wrong with a little dancing & flirting - just don't move in & marry them if they propose on the 3rd date and want to have your baby! That just may be a TINY little red flag! LMAO.

-NHBB

[Dorian]

NHBeachBum wrote:

In my situation, when my exBPDgf had her infatuation stage with me, I noticed a gnawing feeling in my stomach. I could never put my finger on it. When I casually mentioned it to my T, he almost fell off his chair. He pointed out that it was my gut instinct!

I experienced this with the last ex for about the first year we were dating. Upset stomch, feeling dizzy around her.  I told myself I was just love sick. Somewhere deep down I knew that I was throwing myself headlong into trouble. I remember the first time she raged at me over a minor thing. I thought, "I've got to dump her", but I didn't.

Nothing wrong with a little dancing & flirting - just don't move in & marry them if they propose on the 3rd date and want to have your baby!

Ummm... yeah.  That was sort of the plan when I met my ex. But one thing leads to another... .it was 2 years before I proposed to her. By that point I couldn't imagine being without her.  I guess I don't trust myself to put the brakes on when the red flags start showing up.

[trax]

Good job identifying and avoiding!  We all know that even just "one night" with a pwBPD can turn into a lifelong regret.

[CVA]

yes i had that gut feeling too,

[Auspicious]

I experienced this with the last ex for about the first year we were dating. Upset stomch, feeling dizzy around her.  I told myself I was just love sick. Somewhere deep down I knew that I was throwing myself headlong into trouble. I remember the first time she raged at me over a minor thing. I thought, "I've got to dump her", but I didn't.

It's easy to mistake danger for excitement ... .especially if we're not sure why we feel the vague sensations that we do.

[innerspirit]

It's easy to mistake danger for excitement ... .especially if we're not sure why we feel the vague sensations that we do.

Great point -- really REALLY intense butterflies in the stomach.

Maybe the involvement in High Drama attracts the lonely co-dependent in some of us -- crazy-making attention being much more magnetic than the lack of any romantic attention?  

I mean, it's a roller coaster but we're so damn "important!" --  I wonder to how many of us that was kind of energizing at first.

Not on a conscious level, but I think that's a big part of what drew me in.   I learned early on how extreme things were -- that I could apparently make or break his day, without realizing it.   That gives me a dizzy, upset-stomach, sad, exhausted feeling now.