Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:16:31 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What is with food and kitchens in children of uBPDm?  (Read 1344 times)
Nutts45
formerly "dsnutt45 "
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: theraputic separation - 2/2011
Posts: 1217



« Reply #30 on: March 31, 2010, 11:59:54 AM »

 ? Food... depends if it is a BPD trigger or if it is related to the BPD     (I didn't have the energy to go into it but have had my share)

New meaning to food fight.
Logged
justjen
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 394


« Reply #31 on: March 31, 2010, 12:03:49 PM »

Wow, I had no idea others had food issues too!  Someone at the end said something about just snacking and not sitting down for a full meal... .and wow, that's how I am!  I never thought about it being connected to meal time trauma.  We have a kitchen table, but I use it to sew at, or s6 builds Legos there.  We NEVER eat at it.  We always ate at the table growing up, and it gave la diabla a chance to lord over us and force us to eat something disgusting she cooked (she is and was a TERRIBLE cook... .like, a starving person would have a hard time choking down that crap... .my dad took over cooking when I was 13 about the same time I became a vegetarian so I'd never have to eat another pork chop again and chew until my jaw felt like it would fall off).  She used to yell at me because we don't make our kids sit at the table.  We eat on the floor in the living room, usually with the tv on.  :)h likes it.  I like it.  The kids are mortally scarred... .what's the big deal?  Her and my enmeshed dad both get all up in arms though when they occasionally eat over here because the only thing we offer them to eat on is the coffee table.  Oh well.

And gosh, any cleaning just makes me  :'(    sick to my stomach.  I do it because I love my dh and my kids and I want them to have a clean home, but it's hard.  I don't dust though, la diabla made us dust her stupid knick-knacks every Saturday and I hated it.  I don't mind vacuuming.  :)oing dishes I usually put off until we have no more clean dishes though.  And cleaning the bathroom... .using cleaners makes me want to scrub my skin off.  She was the cleaning nazi on the weekends and would scream at us all morning on Saturdays for it.  And she's even screamed at me in my own house-in front of my kids-for the cleanliness of my house.  My house isn't a pig stye... .it looks like a house with 3 small kids and a busy mommy who does her best.  It's not like there is poop on the floor, or cracked eggs, or bugs.  She actually screamed at me 24 hours after I gave birth to d3 because my house was destroyed and she was embarrassed and ashamed.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #32 on: March 31, 2010, 06:34:20 PM »

Jenjen we are so alike. I was the one who never eats real meals or uses a table. Additionally I became a vegetarian about the same age as you specifically so I wouldn't have to eat pork chops.

When I went to Morocco when I was 16 I was like WOW, people here sit on the floor and eat off of coffee tables, I love this! It was a freedom I had never had.Just jen, I've only been on this board for 2 weeks and before that I had never heard of BPD. So many of my mannerisms that I and my friends thought were odd seem quite 'normal' here. I'm learning how to set boundries and I'm sure if you only met you parents in a neutral place that would take a lot of stress off you.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really had to laugh about the pork chops. My dad used to insist we drink 4 cups of milk which I hate. I remember swallowing pieces of pork chops down with milk and feeling ill. As soon as I learned there was a word that would get me out of eating it I was so happy when I was told to eat it that I could say "I can't, I'm a vegetarian!" Smart thinking on our part  
Logged
justjen
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 394


« Reply #33 on: March 31, 2010, 06:53:20 PM »

That's too funny about the pork chops.  Yeah... .I'm all done seeing my parents.  There's no working it out with la diabla.  If endad ever pulls his head out of her butt we'll see about reconciling there... .but I doubt it.  Yay.  It all makes me   
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #34 on: March 31, 2010, 08:01:23 PM »

My endad (they are divorced but close) recently sent me an email that he is on vacation from relating to me until at least june 1 and then only if Ive been to a psychiatrist. I need one! But he is just doing it to protect my mother from me asking him what he said to her that got her upset enough to be so mean to begin with and kick my out after getting me to come home to help her with health issues.  ( I think it was that I said I would be willing to go to therapy with my mother to try to find a way to communicate more effectively.) Not a peep about it from either my sis or bro though its been 10 weeks. Not even a hows Rwanda . They are all deluded. And before I thought it was just me. My life is normal w/o them in it but it is still hard. Someone wrote its hard to get over the death of the idea of a nurturing parent and I think that is so true.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #35 on: March 31, 2010, 08:12:41 PM »

btw justjen what are the abreviations at the bottom of your posts? I think it is something to do with your brother? I'm no contact with my brother at the moment because there is no point. ?
Logged
justjen
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 394


« Reply #36 on: April 01, 2010, 10:13:58 AM »

Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Antisocial Personality Disorder.  Dh has been researching the way my brother acts and before we knew about NPD/APD was thinking that my brother is a sociopath.  He often talks about how much better the world would be if he was in charge and killed everyone off.  He hates Christians (uh, that would be me), breeders (also me), little kids (um, yep I have 3 of those), other races, anyone who thinks he should work for a living-he's perfectly contented to sponge off my parents, and anyone who has a different opinion than him.  I have to do more reading on NPD/APD but the little I read seemed to fit him.  Oh, and he completely agrees with my parents and thinks that I have the mental defect.  His words pretty much exactly.

I forgot to add that my parents both always wanted to have control over how many dishes dh and I have.  They kept giving us dishes and giving us dishes because we didn't have enough coffee cups, or we didn't have enough bowls... .in THEIR opinion.  We had enough in OUR opinion... .you know, the people who actually live in the house and use the dishes and wash them?  We ended up throwing out one entire set a few years ago that they gave us.  I think I purposefully broke a few of the dishes first.  Then we threw out some more stragglers here and there.  We have less than half the dishes that they thought we needed... .well, actually, they tried to give us more but we refused.  Which caused a lovely stink.  Fun stuff.  I want to go through my whole house right now and clear out everything they ever gave us that we didn't want.  Which is a lot of stuff because they tried to maintain control by giving.  Blah.  They make me sick... .and it really feels good to know that it's OK for me to feel that way.  And it's nice (although horribly sad) to know that others have the same issues.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #37 on: April 01, 2010, 01:15:36 PM »

   Gosh Jen how awful to have a brother like that and scary. I looked up NPD and that definitely describes my brother. I just thought he took after my dad who has it due to being bi-polar. It makes sanse because some of the things he says made  none. I remember one time he was sorting things when he was visiting mothers house and I was living there. He looked up as his stuff was all over the living room floor and said, you're just jelouse because you can't do this . I didn't say anything but was like What the heck?

  Thinking others are jelouse of you is a sign. I was always amazed by his behaviour. Also he does (really bad) solo experimental theater performances that he thinks are great that few people come to. Some of his insensitivity and sense of entitlement has been mind boggling . He's also been banned from all my friends' places because of things he has said.  My mother feeds into that. She loved her dad but not her mom and definitely gets along better with men. being the youngest my brother always got a lot and got away with a lot.

  But your brother sounds scary and I am sorry that on top of your mom you have to deal with that. Sounds like you found a good husband who is supportive and I am happy for that.
Logged
GoldenLover

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 19


« Reply #38 on: April 01, 2010, 03:05:38 PM »

Growing up I had issues with the kitchen too.

uBPDm had to have everything a specific way in the kitchen.  If I did dishes, she berated me.  If I didn't do dishes, she hit_ed to my dad that I never helped.  So I just ignored him and refused to help with dishes. 

And when it came to meals... .my mom LOVED impressing people with her cooking skills and would go all out if people were coming over for dinner.  My friends would tell me that my mom was such an awesome cook and that I was lucky!  However... .most nights she "forgot" to cook or she was too drunk to cook dinner.  My sisters and I would go to bed hungry.  My dad would yell at me because I didn't cook.  I refused to cook dinner on those nights because if I even tried to cook something my mom would just BLOW UP at me and take over and then burn it or something and blame it on me.  So it took me a LONG time to feel comfortable with cooking (and even now I still have issues with it at times) 

And as far as snacks... .we did have food but if I ate something... .my mom would tell me I owed her or that I had to pay her back for stuff I ate.  When I started working, I had to pay rent to live there and give her money for food or I couldn't eat.  I started buying snacks and stashing them in my room only for her to find them and hit_ about me not sharing with everyone else... .WTH... .it was HER who told me I couldn't eat food in the house unless I paid for it! So there was always drama surrounding food or cooking or dishes.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #39 on: April 01, 2010, 04:02:09 PM »

Food... .cooking... .dishes... .

No wonder I have had issues with this all my life. I remember thinking when I was a kid if I could just swallow a pill and not have to eat I would be happier. I have somehow also lost the ability to feel hungry. I can only remember a few times in my life when I was hungry even if I didn't eat all day . I used to be jelous of people when they would wait for their food and get excited becuase they were hungry. Even when working as a diving instructor and exercising all day I wouldn't feel hungry. I always thought that was strange. I'm not anorexic or anything but maybe now I realize it was because of the stress associated with food. There was always food around. I could get what I wanted. Interesting so many have so similiar experiences here.
Logged
Tivo8MyNeighbors
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 146


« Reply #40 on: April 03, 2010, 03:02:26 AM »

Just thought you guys might find the humor in this letter, which has by now been widely circulated on the Web, in which a woman dictates precise instructions (BPD style) to her family members how Thanksgiving will go down at her house. 

www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/comment-page-14/

My husband and I always giggle about "regulation-size casserole dishes" and "serving spoons" Smiling (click to insert in post)  Hope this brightens your day.

Tivo
Logged
Greeneyed Girl
a.k.a. Cherry Sky
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1043


« Reply #41 on: April 03, 2010, 10:01:19 AM »

Hi All,

Well, Mother of course does not cook now.  She is too "disabled".  But I still, still get PTSD when she goes into the kitchen at all.  Why? When I was growing up, Mother was a good cook but she hated every moment of cooking and constantly let me and Dadster know it.  Dadster used to say, "The kitchen demon is on her again!" when she was cooking as she would bang pots and pans, curse, scream, stomp-oh, how she would stomp!- slam cabinets and both scream that no one would help her and attack when anyone (Dadster or I) tried.  Of course she held herself together before relatives and other company, but as she prepared big meals for any and every company that came her way hell was sure to happen in the preparation process.  She had her own system for cleaning the kitchen, though I was usually expected to do it.  If I did not follow her system- and even when I did as, sloppy as I can be, I can clean a kitchen better than Mother- there was again hell to pay.

To this day each time she wanders into the kitchen- on her way to the bathroom or get a bag of chips (about the most she will do for herself) she will find a crumb here, a smudge there, something amiss or, worse yet, meander over to the washer where something is always amiss in her eyes.  She inevitably begins a tirade after crying, "Oh, ohh! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Mama!"

I shake, go numb, have a suddenly pounding heart and the urge to run like hell everytime I hear her feet, the rolling of the walker ( believe me, she doesn't need the walker) on the kitchen floor. I am sorry for everyone who endured kitchen chaos.  I think it is yet another trait of B.P.D and abuse.
Logged
joiesophie
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1286


« Reply #42 on: April 03, 2010, 05:57:42 PM »

Hi all,

When I first posted on the board, some moons ago, I thought I was the only one with foo food issues!

I do the 'don't eat' eating disorder. It's lots better now, but it's really hard to explain to the uninitiated.  You all know the drill - why would you want to eat when it reminds you of everything that is scary. 

I went to a cooking lesson that someone from church did - and I happened to say that my father (uBPD - didn't tell 'em that) didn't like the smell of anything, so my mother didn't cook.  Now, how did I know that they'd figure it out?  Someone asked - didn't your father realize that you couldn't eat if you didn't cook?   AAARRRGGHH!

Then I wound up with the pity vote from one person 'letting' me grease the pan... .

I'm eating a wee bit better now that I'm No Contact... .

js   
Logged
sollycat
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Happily Married for almost 10 years
Posts: 191


WWW
« Reply #43 on: April 04, 2010, 08:49:10 AM »

Greeneyedgirl, we had this too... .

Excerpt
She had her own system for cleaning the kitchen, though I was usually expected to do it.

We were expected to help, but *had* to follow the system. Dirty dishes on the LEFT (always), clean ones on the RIGHT. But you had to scrub the right side of the counter first, before you started the dishes so that the clean dishes didn't get laid onto a dirty counter (as if ANY of her countertops were dirty, she washed them several times/day).

One C'mas, I started to hand-wash a few of the larger items that were already done being used (the things that wouldn't fit into the dishwasher). I started to wash one of them while she was still working in the kitchen (trying to be helpful, get things out of the way early, etc.) and she FLIPPED her lid (duh, of course, I was not following the beloved system).

She went off about how the counter was still dirty, I was in the way (I really wasn't, her kitchen is huge and she didn't need the sink at all at the time). I calmly explained that I would hand-wash the big dish and not even put it down on the counter, I could just dry it immediately and put it away. Nope, she wasn't going to have it. How could she possibly observe and critique my cleaning if she was busy doing something else?

I don't know, I just got fed up, threw the pot into the sink making a big loud bang, walked out of the room, and refused to help clean anything up that night. In fact, I tried to make things as dirty as possible, spilling gravy on purpose  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). That was the immature, emotionally charged me. I'm a different person now, thankfully  Smiling (click to insert in post)





Logged
LOAnnie
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 1678


« Reply #44 on: April 04, 2010, 01:22:58 PM »

Yes: my BPD/NPD mom also had and has a rigidity about her thinking.  There was only one way to do anything: the right way, which was her way.  Variations or creative alternative solutions were not permitted.  Its a kind of super-control-freakism, this squelching of alternative thoughts, and I think that somehow its based in fear.  Probably fear of losing control.

In organizations its important to have the big-picture guys (or gals) in leadership positions, the ones who are able to think abstractly and visualize long-term goals.  Its also important to have in the organization those who think in terms of detail, who can think of practical ways of achieving the long-term goals by achieving shorter-term goals. 

But my BPD/NPD mom was/is apparently only able to think in terms of excruciating, microscopic detail, losing the big picture,  that:

A. the goal is getting the kitchen cleaned up, and B. consistently treating her children like retarded servants creates long-term psychological damage. The only thing she could focus on was (for example) that that dish wasn't in the right place in the dishwasher (in her opinion) and getting upset about it and turning and attacking us about it and making us feel like we were bad, was an OK way to deal with it.

Its.  A.  Dish.   ... .And it will get clean whether its in this row or that row.

Its like, my BPD/NPD mom had no capability of prioritizing things in terms of importance, either.  Everything that was not done perfectly or the way she wanted was equally bad and equally upsetting to her.  Me accidentally spilling some Koolaid was just as horrible and would upset mom and get me punished just as much as me being deliberately mean to my little Sister.   

My mom was just not temperamentally, emotionally, intellectually or philosophically suited to be a mother, is what it boils down to.  The BPD/NPD was just the cherry on top.

-LOAnnie

Logged
HeartAndSoul
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 50



« Reply #45 on: April 05, 2010, 05:13:00 AM »

my mother thinks I cant cook. Infront of every guy she tells them I hope they like Chef Boyardee. Woman is clueless. Keep it that way. Her kitchen anyone gets in it shes in it. Right behind you. My brother cooks but she still shadows him. She has big issues with even a plate in the sink. For years if she knew a dish was in the sink she would get up and clean it. She would yell at me. I learned to tell her its her OCD trip and I wanted to eat first then I would clean the pot. I still tell her your trip no one asked you to wash it. Its your choice so deal with it cause Im not listening. Yeah Easter she cooked today no one asked her too so she could bash all day. I told her to keep her food not worth it I went to Panda Express. She hates me. Thats fine. Tomorrow she will be making me leftovers. Isnt it joyous dealing with this crap. Funny thing one last thing cant have a pot or a fork in sink but heaven forbid she even knows how to turn the vacuum cleaner on she doesnt. Dust dont think she knows what it is. LOLOLOLO I just asked her if she is waiting for Cinderella to clean. I told her I fired her thats me. I love to clean but Im moving and she can live in her own filth Ill be sure to leave a whole sink full that should send her for a loop.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
HeartAndSoul
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 50



« Reply #46 on: April 05, 2010, 05:23:45 AM »

Oh wait I forgot the topper. About 7 months ago she started to monitor the size of the trash that went into the kitchen trash. Depending on the size she would tell you to take it out to the trash and she didnt want it in the kitchen trash. To that I said then I suggest you put your shoes on and take it out yourself. Earplugs are wonderful things. She has since gone to the other extreme and lets the kitchen trash over flow. Now she asks me to pull the trash from the trash because its too fool. No way. I told her dont give me the crap you cant pull it arthritis crap I saw her do it. Man she pulls out everything she can. I am just learning to call her on her own crap. Depends on if I want to hear her spew for the next hour or not. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
HeartAndSoul
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 50



« Reply #47 on: April 05, 2010, 05:39:21 AM »

I forgot the biggest rule of all in the kitchen. No one can eat after 9:30. I used to get home after that. Then there is the ice cube issue. Thats a big one. It makes to much noise and disturbs her while she watches TV. My answer. Lifes a hit_. Her answer Im mentally ill because I like ice in my soda and I do it to torment her. I think we all deserve medals.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
sollycat
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Happily Married for almost 10 years
Posts: 191


WWW
« Reply #48 on: April 05, 2010, 08:22:23 AM »

The trash thing is big with my mother too. Her area just went to "co-mingled recycling", meaning that you can put EVERYTHING into ONE BIN (paper, cardboard, glass, alumninum, plastic, etc.). So easy, right? NOO! She was absolutely IRATE that her county did this (the area I live in has been doing this for a while and it's fantastic).

This co-mingled was going to mess up her ENTIRE system, and now she'd have to do things totally different, and get different bins, and she couldn't afford it, blah blah blah.

I explained to her calmly that a) the recycle bins are FREE from the county, b) it's actually CHEAPER now b/c you don't have to purchase those blue recycle bags for your bins, c) it's SO much easier b/c you don't have to have several different bins in different areas of your house.

Nope, she wouldn't hear any of the positives. She is still irate that she now has one bin and everything goes into the same one.

Logged
Penguinectomy
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 992



WWW
« Reply #49 on: April 05, 2010, 12:02:50 PM »

Reading this thread has felt really strange, and unpleasantly familiar.  I have huge issues around the kitchen - it's the one area of my house that I really have always struggled with and felt uncomfortable in - and I rarely set foot in the kitchen when I was a kid, but it wasn't really because of my mother.  She struggled in the kitchen too, and it was always a mess, but not an emotionally-charged mess. She'd get uncomfortable with me doing dishes, but not because I did them "wrong," - me doing dishes made her feel like she wasn't doing her job properly.  (And yeah, I did grow up not knowing how to do anything.  Thank goodness for Flylady, or I'd still not know how to do anything.)   Cooking did have an emotional charge, but that was because of how picky, critical, belittling and abusive my father could be about it.  Everything had to be just so, but he couldn't be bothered to tell you specifics.  It was either a noncommittal grunt (which meant it was ok), or a tirade (if it wasn't ok).  And "ok" had more to do with his mood than anything else.  I still don't like cooking for other people, even though my mother was the one who bore the brunt of his criticism around food.  (With me, he used the "you're a selfish pig and eat too much"/"here, honey, have some more to eat - it's your favorite" double bind.  No wonder I'm 100 pounds overweight and get angry every time I think of being thinner - being thin was a symbol of winning his approval, and it's like staying fat allows me to rebel on some level.  He's been dead for 12 years - am I ever going to get free?)
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #50 on: April 05, 2010, 01:01:45 PM »

Reading the comments about the trash had me cracking up. Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   I mean, it's sad for us and them but seeing so many people with the same experiences and seeing them written here when I'm far away from the mother... .it is pretty funny. I am glad that I am not the only one who is scared of kitchens. There really wasn't anything bad about mealtimes or food that I can put my finger on but obviously most people here share similiar feelings even if we all got there in different ways. It feels nice to meet kindred spirits because I don't think I have ever met someone who is afraid of the kitchen in my life. I guess some of my fears came from that there were things you could break. Not that I was clumsy I've hardly broken anything in my life, but just this feeling that I wasn't to be trusted. I only at 46 used a dishwasher. I was like wow! This is easy, you just put the soap in the little container, push the buttons... .wow, they come out clean! I know that sounds naive  I was led to believe it was something I wasn't capable of!

Thanks everyone for reading this thread and to those of you whp have shared your experiences. Together we will help eachother to be stronger! x  Yeah!   
Logged
anker
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a good relationship now with a kind fellow
Posts: 631


« Reply #51 on: April 05, 2010, 02:02:49 PM »

This thread makes me feel very supported. Thanks

Kitchenphobia! Coming soon to a theater near you!
Logged
HeartAndSoul
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 50



« Reply #52 on: April 05, 2010, 03:53:13 PM »

bonding together over like crazy antics of the BP's in our lives as a whole when you read some experiences one cannot help but laugh and understand why we cant tell anybody else, cause we then become the crazy ones. Oh I love reading some of these. There are days when she is raging and I just want away now. She lives with me I cant just split because I tried that Charlie Manson took the place of Doris Day. My pet nicknames for her.  Just know whenever the mother or whomever starts to send you over that edge you can always find humorl, comfort, and more than anything validation and reassurance that we are not crazy. Its helped me so much I would be lost without kindred spirits living in the BP zone. Like I always said I wanted to win the lottery nice I hit the Mega Jackpot Super Lotta of disorders. My mother is 5 rolled in one. When momma manson shows up thats my exit cell phone off destination none of her business. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) and dont forget to leave a dish or two lying around so she can stew until I get back. Childish yes, guilty yes feels good to give her some hell back priceless. Just once in a while Im human and I know its wrong but there are times... .
Logged
Lemlover
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married
Posts: 819


« Reply #53 on: April 05, 2010, 08:56:19 PM »

After reading all posts and reflecting--dBPDh has kitchen/food issues also.  He wouldn't "allow" me to use the dishwasher in our home when we were first married.  That lasted all of five minutes  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). His brother (whom I suspect is also BPD and aspd still doesn't allow my SIL to use dishwasher after 10 years of marriage). 

Thanks for the enlightening post.
Logged
fleurhart

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 21


« Reply #54 on: April 06, 2010, 11:37:31 PM »

Hey everyone,

I haven't been here for a while, but thought I'd just pop in on this one.

I'll tell you something horrible my uBPDmother did to her step kids. (They are about 20 years younger than me). She used to have 2 kinds of ice cream. One expensive, one budget. She would bring them both out after dinner, and the stepkids would have the budget, the rest of us the expensive stuff. This was after I had left home, had my own babies, and was just staying for a few days. I am sorry that I didn't say or do anything about it. Not on the same level as being violent, but just a way of sending a message about who was important in the house. The step kids would've been young teenagers, old enough to like nice ice cream.

My mum has been scarey and mean to me in my life, but she was so much worse to her stepkids.

On the cooking thing, mum wouldn't teach us to cook, but expected us to cook anyway. Then be really mean about the disgusting food we cooked. Sometimes I get a bit sad and resentful thinking about all this, but mostly I am over it, I love to cook, and I have learned how on my own.

Some of the things in this discussion about yelling about cleanliness remind me of my dad, not my mum. Something to ponder, as Saturday mornings were always a yell-fest about cleaning at our place.

Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #55 on: April 10, 2010, 06:58:01 PM »

Mother always told me never to mention her to my stepdad or stepsisters and I never did. Later I thought "hey , I can do what I want" and I talked to them a bit. A few weeks ago after mothers latest round of Illogical anger and my departure I asked my stepsister what she remembered. She mentioned that she always felt like the mistreated cinderella. Her and her sister were forbidden to speak Swedish despite not knowing much English. I realize now mother was so insecure that she trully believed that they were talking about her. To this day if I speak Swedish she goes into a fit, avoids me, tries to get me to hang up the phone etc even if I am just talking to a friend. She speaks Swedish so she can understand what I am talking about and it has nothing to do with her.

I am so ashamed at her actions and my stepsister recently said she felt so sorry for us to have to be taken aside in a room and yelled at for a long time when we had no idea what we had done. The more I read posts the meaner I am coming to realize mother really is. It has taken me some reality checks from outside friends for me to actually realize that its not my fault and she is nutso.

As a kid when others would doodle I would write the word sorry over and over again. I never knew what I was sorry for but just that somehow I'd done something wrong in the kitchen, in my behaviour etc. Even when I moved away at 15 she used to call and yell at me long distance on the phone.

All this yelling, it's really sad. When I think of how many wonderful experiences could have been had but which were miserable. I am just trying to not follow her example and I still get scared in kitchens that I won't be clean enough, thorough enough etc. It's one reason I think I lived in Thailand so long, having a gas cooker outside and eating in restraunts. Interestingly here in Rwanda I spent the night at a friends house the other day and we were talking about how great it was just to have a gas cooker. I don't know why seeing a stove makes me anxious but it still does.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #56 on: April 17, 2010, 11:34:00 PM »

I still marvel that there are people who enjoy working in a commercial kitchen. Was just talking about it the other day. Here in Rwanda I have been cooking a bit more. Maybe it is also because we have a house keeper so I don't have to feel I messed up the kitchen but know it will look great soon if I missed something!
Logged
LOAnnie
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 1678


« Reply #57 on: April 17, 2010, 11:51:28 PM »

Children have no choice but to accept that how they are treated by their parents is "normal",  and its "OK" for parents to do that.  When I was very little I thought that all mommys were nice to their children in public, but screamed at their children and slapped them around and hit them with belts at home.  That was my "normal."   So children develop coping mechanisms to survive the stress and anxiety and outright fear of living with a parent they can't trust to be in a good mood most of the time, a parent who gets angry for little or no reason and lets their anger escalate into emotional and physical abuse.

Kids use various coping mechanisms to deal with this.  They may shut off their memories of their scary, traumatic abusive environment, or they'll retain the memories but shut off their emotions, or they'll do both to help them survive.    Some develop multiple or alternate identities to escape the stress and trauma, and some go the Stockholm Syndrome route: they bond strongly with/identify with their abusive parent in order to (hopefully) reduce the intensity and frequency of the abuse.   Some kids develop self-soothing behaviors that are somewhat self-harmful or socially inappropriate, some kids seem to just vanish into the woodwork, trying to become invisible to avoid abuse, other kids become bullies and act out their rage and pain on others.  Some kids discover that if they become the "parent", there is some semblance or illusion of control that they can maintain for brief periods.

Bottom line is, its all bad; the child's normal emotional development gets derailed from having to endure abnormal, abusive parenting.  Kids should not have to develop coping mechanisms to deal with emotional, physical or sexual abuse from mentally ill parents in the first place.

There, that's my vent for the evening.

-LOAnnie



Mother always told me never to mention her to my stepdad or stepsisters and I never did. Later I thought "hey , I can do what I want" and I talked to them a bit. A few weeks ago after mothers latest round of Illogical anger and my departure I asked my stepsister what she remembered. She mentioned that she always felt like the mistreated cinderella. Her and her sister were forbidden to speak Swedish despite not knowing much English. I realize now mother was so insecure that she trully believed that they were talking about her. To this day if I speak Swedish she goes into a fit, avoids me, tries to get me to hang up the phone etc even if I am just talking to a friend. She speaks Swedish so she can understand what I am talking about and it has nothing to do with her.

I am so ashamed at her actions and my stepsister recently said she felt so sorry for us to have to be taken aside in a room and yelled at for a long time when we had no idea what we had done. The more I read posts the meaner I am coming to realize mother really is. It has taken me some reality checks from outside friends for me to actually realize that its not my fault and she is nutso.

As a kid when others would doodle I would write the word sorry over and over again. I never knew what I was sorry for but just that somehow I'd done something wrong in the kitchen, in my behaviour etc. Even when I moved away at 15 she used to call and yell at me long distance on the phone.

All this yelling, it's really sad. When I think of how many wonderful experiences could have been had but which were miserable. I am just trying to not follow her example and I still get scared in kitchens that I won't be clean enough, thorough enough etc. It's one reason I think I lived in Thailand so long, having a gas cooker outside and eating in restraunts. Interestingly here in Rwanda I spent the night at a friends house the other day and we were talking about how great it was just to have a gas cooker. I don't know why seeing a stove makes me anxious but it still does.

Logged
methinkso
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6057


« Reply #58 on: April 18, 2010, 12:02:08 AM »

I am chuckling over this thread. Days ago I was thinking about sil. She insisted that her children rinse out their empty soda cans before putting them in the container that later goes to the recycling bin for the curb pickup.

Actually for years I have laughed about this. She seems to think a roach blocks away can hone in on her house having an unrinsed soda can inside.  I'm sure they can find a lot of sh__ before they reach her home that will distract them

I consider myself a very good housekeeper, but I see this as nothing but another form of control. NOTHING can be in sil's home without her permission (gifts, purchases by family members, etc).

I think the 'hostess' with her thanksgiving demands for her guest orders of  'food by specific requests' must have a very lazy day. She thinks it, they painstakingly cook and deliver. It used to drive me nuts to try to trasnsport many dishes to mother's ten miles away on Thanksgiving. It would have been easier to pack for a camping trip.
Logged
Bsane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 78


« Reply #59 on: April 18, 2010, 03:10:41 PM »

The soda thing is funny. Mother is exactly the same! And also about what is in her house. Even more irritating is that even if it is stuff she wants, if I dusted or moved anything she would ALWAYS rearrange it even if I had put it back in exactly the same position it was in before!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!