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Author Topic: Painted white but insanity remains  (Read 8210 times)
Beast98
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« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2010, 12:42:44 PM »

I'm sorry you felt the questions were condescending. I'm asking questions from what you wrote on your posts. You stated that she told you she is attracted to 'torned' or 'unzipped' individuals. I assume that if she is attracted to these type of men and was attracted to you, that maybe there is something in you that she saw 'torned' or 'unzipped'.

She was referring to herself as unzipped, and him as torn. (My translation was my best guess based on all I know)

I got a lovely Easter card from her yesterday. Still painted white, still don't know why.
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Beast98
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« Reply #61 on: April 02, 2010, 01:00:08 PM »

Excerpt
Hope that answers your condescending questions, saint that I'm sure you are.

My nickname is Mother Theresa  Smiling (click to insert in post).

I'm sorry you felt the questions were condescending. I'm asking questions from what you wrote on your posts. You stated that she told you she is attracted to 'torned' or 'unzipped' individuals. I assume that if she is attracted to these type of men and was attracted to you, that maybe there is something in you that she saw 'torned' or 'unzipped'.

Excerpt
Like I said. I know how to get her back, if I wanted to. She's jumped back and forth between us several times and the only way to stop the cycle is when one of us won't take her back.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't have someone who jumps back and forth between guys. This time is this guy, then it would have been another. She will always try to find in someone else what she can't get from herself or from you. Unfortunately the cycle still continues and she still goes back and forth between both of you.

Excerpt
I stimulated a lot within her, including her insecurities. She thought that every woman in the world wanted me, and that I was destined to leave her at any moment for someone better.

It's not that you stimulated these insecurities, this type insecurity is always present in a pwBPD no matter who they are with. You could be a Brad Pitt or a Danny DeVito, she will feel the same insecurities.

Excerpt
So, in true borderline fashion, she always had a back-up, waiting in the wings. In him she found the opposite of me... .A much older man with no friends, never been married, no kids, few relatives (that don't like him either), no looks and no charm.

It's not that she is finding your opposite, she is just finding anyone. This time she found someone not that charming, next she will, then she will again, then she won't, then she will, then she won't, then she won't, then she will. You see the patern? None of her actions have anything to do with the person she finds. The person is just a replacement, nothing special unfortunately.

Excerpt
Her delusioned mind convinced her that I was only at the Mayo clinic to boink my exw, and my dying daughter was secondary... .Merely a convenient excuse. Even though my exw lived 3 blocks away from me.

Again, it has nothing to do with you. They are just fears that emerge out of nowhere because she's mentally unstable. You could of been at a Vet's office with your dog and she would have said you're boiking the Vet. You see what I mean? You still believe her actions have something to do with you. But they are not. She is mentally unstable, nothing she does has anything to do with real emotions towards someone. She is just full of fear that has been there since way before you got there. You are just the new outlet.

Excerpt
It was the lowest point of my life and for the next few months my social drinking became very unsociable. Had I not had the responsibilities I do, I would have checked myself in to a mental facility.

It's great that you have the drinking out of cotrol. You are going through enough alrady.

CC, I've read all there is to read on BPD, including medical school textbooks and with what I know, I have an issue with your posts. You seem to have it in your mind that all borderlines do exactly the same things, for exactly the same reasons, at exactly the same times. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They may have common symptoms caused by similar traumas, but they are individuals as diverse as you and me. They function on many different levels. You don't know this person from Jesus, so I find it a tad disturbing that you profess to know exactly what she's done and why she's done it. I watch it manifest itself on a daily basis and can say with reasonable certainty that you really don't know what you're talking about. Rash generalities are the root of all prejudice.

Maybe I'm wrong and perhaps you are an all-knowing sage with wisdom that transcends the realm of mere mortals. But I doubt it. 
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Manon46
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« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2010, 01:04:13 PM »

I got a lovely Easter card from her yesterday. Still painted white, still don't know why.

By tomorrow you will be painted black and you also don't know why.

I still think you are wasting your good parts,and your good side, by giving it to her.

Don't you think that if you keep doing that, that any other woman won't notice.

If you need some one new, and you just left your exBPD and gave her your goods, would you notice her? Or is it possible that when you had a good time, you are not looking around,still cherishing the memories of what you came from earlier that day ?

Just a thought because you want to meet a nice,loving woman... .x
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Beast98
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« Reply #63 on: April 02, 2010, 01:16:23 PM »

Thanks manon, and I understand what you say. I do have feelings for this person, there's no questioning that fact. And I truly enjoy spening time with her. But it's very limited time, under circumstances that I control. I don't want her to be my gf ever again. I want someone else to be that. I just haven't found that person yet. But I am looking.

Til that time, I just don't understand why it's such a problem that I get some good from her without the bad. I leave that for the other guy. I spend next to no money on her and I have plenty of free time. And if the bad comes in to the picture (which by the way, I figure will at some point) then I stay away. My T, who has treated us both, seems to think that the BPD 'need' in this case is that she just likes spending time with me. And frankly, I don't have much else to do.
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Mousse
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« Reply #64 on: April 02, 2010, 01:17:44 PM »

I'm glad you are doing so well, Beast.  I can remember when she had you over a barrel, and it looks like you are doing well with keeping the FOG at bay, while maintaining a relationship with someone you like on terms you can live with.

My only concern is the same as manon's... ."replacing her" isn't really an option.  No healthy woman would want to be a "replacement" for a sick one, and even if one stepped up, you probably would not appreciate her under those terms.  If I were a woman interested in you, I would have serious misgivings about the drama that is still going on, if not in your bedroom, then certainly in your bathroom.  It's all too gamey.   If I were codependent, I might venture forth anyway, to prove what a "good woman" is like, but I would wonder how much you could love me for me, vs for being a viable replacement.  And at some point, crazy ex would have to stop being a regular part of your life (taking her places, having her in the house) - let's face it, she's not like a normal female friend I could accept.  Would you be able to distance yourself further for the sake of a new relationship?  If so, maybe you could start that before the new relationship as a prep step?  Maybe the reason you can't connect intimately with the women you have recently been intimate with has to do with the fact that you are still too close to her.

There's a place between NC and where you are... .maybe you want to explore it a bit?  Like - she can't come into the house since she messes it up and snoops?  She can take the car to the mechanic by herself?  Long discussions about love and sex could be replaced by how the 49'ers are doing?  

Still painted white, still don't know why.

You don't know why?  Is claiming to not know why part of the game?  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Because of the past that you've shared with us, I think it's pretty clear she is courting you.  This is all part of the power play.  She's back in pull mode.  Only difference is you aren't quite so pull-able this time around, so she'll work harder for longer... .until you cave or until she finds a new guy who might adore her as much as you and BF did at first.   I don't know her either, but I know your posts about her    

You sound great, Beast.  Stay strong, and stay focused on your happiness.

  Mousse

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Beast98
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« Reply #65 on: April 02, 2010, 01:35:52 PM »

Thank you Mousse my friend. 

I'm sure this is a little wacky, though not by the standards I've come to know. Each woman I go out with, I get a little better at keeping the ex factor out of the equation. There are and have been lots of choices. And really the only way I see the next as a 'replacement' is in the sense of a companion I share my (and her) world with.

My progress has been slow not because I'm looking for the equivalent of the white side of ex, but because of a promise I made to myself... .That being that I refuse to hook up with a woman I wouldn't otherwise just to avoid being alone. My son left for the service in August, ex moved in from September through November and when she left it started a period in my life where I'm alone for the first time ever. I'm working at teaching myself how to do this. I started off hating it. Now I just dislike it. But it's tolerable and getting better all the time. If I'm patient, I believe that the universe will send me somebody... The right woman. Not just the RIGHT NOW woman. God knows they are everywhere. So for now, ex's limited (and positive) presence is welcome.
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Mousse
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« Reply #66 on: April 02, 2010, 01:37:14 PM »

And frankly, I don't have much else to do.

Why not focus more on the other lady (or ladies)?
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« Reply #67 on: April 02, 2010, 01:39:57 PM »

I see... .and I get where you are coming from  x

How do platonic relationships (or at least non-dating ones) with other women or even just friendships with guys pan out?  :)o you have people like that?  Can you cultivate them just by hanging out at some cool places or doing some activities?

There's got to be an alternative to a woman who thinks she can root around in your trash and leave her crap lying around to mark you as hers.  Like I said, I know you like her.  :)o you thing you could try another steps back from her, though, and see what happens?  I really think it impedes your chances of meeting a nice woman who will love you well.

  Mousse
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Beast98
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« Reply #68 on: April 02, 2010, 01:51:52 PM »

And frankly, I don't have much else to do.

Why not focus more on the other lady (or ladies)?

Each woman gets a level of focus that I'm comfortable with. I've entered an 'all about me' stage in my life for the very first time. But I can say that nothing I have between me and anyone else is affected one bit by ex. Those days are behind me.

I see... .and I get where you are coming from  x

How do platonic relationships (or at least non-dating ones) with other women or even just friendships with guys pan out?  Do you have people like that?  Can you cultivate them just by hanging out at some cool places or doing some activities?

There's got to be an alternative to a woman who thinks she can root around in your trash and leave her crap lying around to mark you as hers.  Like I said, I know you like her.  Could you try a couple more steps back from her, though?  I really think it impedes your chances of meeting a nice woman who will love you well.

  Mousse

Maybe I am a little twisted by being so entertained by her antics, such as the bathroom thing. I do have good platonic women friends and a few close buddies that I hang with from time to time. I also have a little restaurant/bar I frequent 'where everybody knows my name'. Truth is that much of my spare time is devoted to my show car and my dogs. I now have 4 of them, though only one by my choosing. Ex abandoned 2 with me and when my daughter moved from her house to an apartment, I got hers too. It's lots of work, but I love them all. And I work a lot. I have a home theater for my movies so over the top that I could charge admission, and I'm a musician.

It's a pretty full life. The small part that ex inhabits just happens to be the only thing I write about here. (and perhaps the most entertaining) 
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« Reply #69 on: April 02, 2010, 01:57:27 PM »

Good  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Manon46
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« Reply #70 on: April 02, 2010, 02:13:57 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Okay Beast, i ll rest my case... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

I asume you know the best what is good for you, we are only expressing our concern,as we are also woman, when i was trying to date you i would certainly say, well Beast everything cool, but work it out with you ex gf who is in your bathroom, house,depends on you for the car etc...

Than we ll meet again... .see what i mean?... .To some one else it might look as if you didn't completely took off, and do you know what she will do when you say over and done...

I am sure if you are seeing a nice woman, you dont want your BPDexgf messing things up because she is seeing your taillights... .

But it is only concern and not judgement or doubting your mental health Smiling (click to insert in post)

Take good care of yourself and your dogs... .
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« Reply #71 on: April 02, 2010, 02:24:30 PM »

"Still painted white. Still don't know why."

I think you can expect the same "good" behavior from her at least as long as the man she lives with is battling late-stage colon cancer. (She's not inheriting from him, is she?)

I'm with the other women here who think you probably need to conclude your business with your ex, completely, before you can move on. And my guess is ex is going to do her best to make sure that doesn't happen.

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Beast98
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« Reply #72 on: April 02, 2010, 02:47:01 PM »

"Still painted white. Still don't know why."

I think you can expect the same "good" behavior from her at least as long as the man she lives with is battling late-stage colon cancer. (She's not inheriting from him, is she?)

I'm with the other women here who think you probably need to conclude your business with your ex, completely, before you can move on. And my guess is ex is going to do her best to make sure that doesn't happen.

Hard to say, but you're probably right.

fugly has just finished his chemo, has a new job and I guess is doing better. Dunno the prognosis and really don't care. I saw him at church last week and he looks 15 years older than when I met him in Oct, 2008. And the only thing she would stand to inherit from him is debt. The two of them seem to have a good thing going (in BPD) terms. Very low expectations on both sides.   

I would never tell a woman I was dating that I see her, ever. And I'm confident that if I do decide to get serious with anyone that I'll be able to walk away from her. I've done it before.
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« Reply #73 on: April 02, 2010, 02:53:48 PM »

I'm not an oncologist, but I'd give fugly 18 months. Just be aware.
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Beast98
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« Reply #74 on: April 02, 2010, 03:00:48 PM »

I'm not an oncologist, but I'd give fugly 18 months. Just be aware.

Oh I'd agree his days are numbered. They said in the surgery they could only get 30 of 34 nodes. Not my problem.

The thing is, she still looks good, is quite the seductress and can pretty much get any man she wants. She doesn't need me. My expectations in a woman are well beyond her capabilities.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #75 on: April 02, 2010, 04:39:41 PM »

Excerpt
Maybe I'm wrong and perhaps you are an all-knowing sage with wisdom that transcends the realm of mere mortals. But I doubt it.   


No I'm not all-knowing  Smiling (click to insert in post). But, I at least now I can tell the difference between sick people and healthy people  .

Excerpt
CC, I've read all there is to read on BPD, including medical school textbooks and with what I know, I have an issue with your posts. You seem to have it in your mind that all borderlines do exactly the same things, for exactly the same reasons, at exactly the same times. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They may have common symptoms caused by similar traumas, but they are individuals as diverse as you and me. They function on many different levels. You don't know this person from Jesus, so I find it a tad disturbing that you profess to know exactly what she's done and why she's done it. I watch it manifest itself on a daily basis and can say with reasonable certainty that you really don't know what you're talking about. Rash generalities are the root of all prejudice.

All borderlines are different and unique, just like everyone else. My xBPDbf is a high functioning borderline, Bachelors Degree, Masters Degree, Behavioral Certification, and an incredibly articulate man. He comes from a well rounded family, his father is a lawyer and CEO for a major corporation, and 90% of his family have Masters Degrees and are respectable professionals. He is definately different from the low functioning borderline who can't keep a job, don't have a car, don't have a place to live, and some even self injure. Yes they are all different, to think they are all the exact same is ridiculous. But, their root cause is the same, fear.

Your BPDgf hasn't done much different from many of the other BPD's in this site. They cheat, lie, push/pull, and leave. Sometimes for someone new like in your case. Yes, your BPDgf is different from a lot of others to some extent. But at the end she's done the exact thing, left you devestated to the point where you began to drink. This is not what I assume, this is what you posted.

I've also done a lot of research and reading about this condition, from speaking with someone who's BPD and recovered to the spycholgist who's treated a pwBPD. I also do a lot of reading from spychologists, therapists, MFT, Counselors, and here. The man I loved suffered from this and I needed to understand what I was dealing with. I also had to learn a lot about myself so I do a lot of reading  on self help books, I've also gone to counseling, do yoga, and just focus on me and on what helps me feel good. So believe when I tell you that when I write a post 90% of the time I have a book next to me on the subject or a website on my computer. I don't write out of emotions or what I think, I write out of research and personal experience.

What you do or don't do with your BPDgf is your business. But when you come here and share it, be prepared for the opinions that come your way. They won't always be what you wanted to hear.
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Beast98
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« Reply #76 on: April 02, 2010, 06:15:33 PM »

Not many take adverse criticism as well as I do. But at the same time I have just as much a right to disagree with OPINIONS expressed. If I were to have any issue with you (which I really don't), it would be your tendancy to express your opinions, informed or otherwise, as fact.

Plus, I like a good occasional text joust with a well armed opponent. (That was meant as a compliment)
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« Reply #77 on: April 02, 2010, 06:27:01 PM »

You could be a Brad Pitt or a Danny DeVito, she will feel the same insecurities.

And, while we should never read the Hollywood gossip rags, if ever we did, we would probably hear that Mr. Pitt is regularly rumored to have drunk from the same concoction that put you on the floor.  

I don't see how it's really possible to reach a different conclusion than the one C C has posted here. And those "torn" or "unzipped" men who are most vulnerable to borderline women--the men who return for round after round of punishment and exploitation--often have a particular weakness, which seems to be the need to be special.

I've noticed that the men posting on this site who really are detaching from their borderline former partners seem accepting of the type of analysis C C gives here and do not usually feel that it is a personal criticism of them.

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Beast98
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« Reply #78 on: April 02, 2010, 06:45:28 PM »

I agree Kate, and with most of what CC says. However, I don't believe that I am or have ever been torn (unzipped was how she refers to herself), nor was I miserable at anytime before I met her.

And I certainly don't consider her sane. She's extremely damaged and dangerous to me. It's a risky undertaking... .Trying to experience her white side while protecting myself from the black. Can I say without a doubt that I know what I'm doing? Of course not. But other things I've tried didn't work either.

I don't need to FEEL special... .I already know that I am.  ;p

Nearly every woman I've ever known has treated me that way... .Except of course exBPDgf in her 'zone'. I just don't buy in to the premise that just because I was unlucky enough to have hooked up with one of these freaks, that I suddenly become a freak myself. And that only NC will defreakify me.

But then again I could be wrong.
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« Reply #79 on: April 02, 2010, 06:49:12 PM »

Defreakify  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What a word ! Hillarious... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Beast98
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« Reply #80 on: April 02, 2010, 06:52:29 PM »

Thanks manon. I have my moments.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Manon46
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« Reply #81 on: April 02, 2010, 06:57:19 PM »

I bet you do... .made me  really Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .can go to sleep now with a big smile on my face... .thanks

from here... wast just about to sign out, middle of the night here... .glad i read this one... .Defreakify... hahaha... .great Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #82 on: April 02, 2010, 07:15:24 PM »

Beast,

I have a final question about your continued involvement in a relationship that you maintain has no real future. Is it fair to her (minor) children, who do not see much of their mother I think, to take up any of her time? I know you have real feelings for these children and wanted to be in their lives. What now?

Is it a moral issue at all? Does it simply not matter because the mom spends most of her time with men anyway, so why not you too?
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« Reply #83 on: April 02, 2010, 07:21:35 PM »

beast... .with all due respect, just reading through these posts... .you come off as very defensive.  You are going to get different opinions when you post on an open forum... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).   Just say thank you and if you disagree with their opinion so be it.  If you want to vent with out anyone's insight, then write in your freakin diary.  Now... on to my opinion in this open forum... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). YOU need to move on and be able to be alone instead of playing around with your ex.  Using terms like "i control"  is ridiculous.  Who are you kidding... .knock the tough guy crap... .you are still in love with her or you are desperate enough to latch on... .to what?  Friendship? ... .sounds like a lovely friendship.   To fill a void?... .don't know.  But what I do know is that what you are doing is not healthy and to be honest... .it is odd. 
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Beast98
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« Reply #84 on: April 02, 2010, 07:33:53 PM »

LOL... .I never said I wasn't odd. I just don't think an occasional afternoon a couple of times a month is harming me or anyone else. She's nuts of course, and I like to share that stuff on here. Perhaps I do get a tad defensive when people read more into it than it really is, and imply that there's something terribly wrong with me because of it.

I've said it many times, sure I love her but have no interest in being with her. Has no one here ever spent time with someone knowing it's going nowhere? I sure have, and still do. So what?

Kate, her S13 lives in Mexico with his dad and she has scheduled visitations that I never interfere with. He provides a grounding influence for her that nobody else does. Why do you think I go out of my way to make sure her car is fully functional? NO, it's not at all my responsibility, but again, so what? I do things for reasons. But at this time I've made it clear to her that getting back together isn't nor ever will be one of them.
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« Reply #85 on: April 02, 2010, 08:59:52 PM »

Excerpt
Painted white but insanity remains

Remind yourself that insanity is to paint you white... .not to mention black and all the other accompanied craziness and territory marking.  I know you know this already but sometimes it gets forgotten because being painted white is the carrot that is just so orange and tasty to go after but not quite in reach...  If only to figure out the right amount of distance to maximize her white splitting duration for you and black splitting duration for fugly.     

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« Reply #86 on: April 02, 2010, 09:45:24 PM »

FF... .I like the way you think. Maybe that's where I am.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #87 on: April 02, 2010, 09:48:31 PM »

Excerpt
I don't see how it's really possible to reach a different conclusion than the one C C has posted here. And those "torn" or "unzipped" men who are most vulnerable to borderline women--the men who return for round after round of punishment and exploitation--often have a particular weakness, which seems to be the need to be special.

The particular weakness a pwBPD is attracted to is hard to define. Like beast mentioned before, each pwBPD is different and unique in their own illness. Some pwBPD may be attracted to someone who needs to feel speacial because of low selfesteem, another can be attracted to someone who needs to feel in control because of codependence issues, another can be attracted to someone who's afraid of being alone because of age or because they never had someone give them so much attention before, the reasons could be endless. I think the key here is figuring out why WE need to be in the relationship. What makes us want to stay. Once we figure that out, we will know what the pwBPD was attracted to. In my experience, what my BPDbf was attracted to was my need for a family, to belong. I divorced more than four years ago and I wanted to have a family, someone who I could come home too. I felt half empty without a partner. But that was my mistake, I let myself get to that point. I did nothing to feel complete on my own, how can I give my whole self to someone if I'm not whole to begin with. My BPDbf fed into my need for a family and chaos followed.

An emotionally healthy adult will not last more than a few months with a pwBPD. They will end the relationship early and not allow it to become dysfunctional. They will detach, they will be hurt, but they will move on. An emotionally unhealthy person will not move on, instead, they will come back round after round.
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« Reply #88 on: April 02, 2010, 10:03:17 PM »

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