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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: not trying to judge but there is more hostility here than I expected  (Read 7202 times)
veryconcerned47
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« on: March 31, 2010, 09:49:48 PM »

I am not trying to be judgmental, but there is more hostility here than I expected towards our BPD ex's. I am sure everyone here has their own unique story. Some knew their BPD partner for a short time, some a long time, some married, some dated.

I was a typical story. I met a woman and had the most amazing experience. I really believed that after all these years my time had come and this was going to be an amazing happy ending. We shared so much love, intimacy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams. We made grand plans for the future and were living together 3-5 days a week. Then a month ago she started to turn on me over very petty things and started to act different, but would always recover and get back to her sweet disposition. Then 2 weeks ago I called her from the grocery store to confirm a few items that she had already explained she wanted. She went off the deep end and to my amazement, throw everything we had away and became very hostile. I tried to reach out to her, sent her letters, flowers, etc. Nothing worked and after 2 weeks of little contact I met her to exchange a few things and again she went off the deep end at me. She had been married and engaged quite a few times and it each case I was told the guy turned out to be some kind of monster. .There is more to it but when a friend of the family heard the story I was told to look up BPD and some of the stories of BPD relationships sound exactly like they were describing my story.

Did she break my heart? Yes, worse than ever, I thought I could trust her, it was so wonderful. On top of that I loaned her money to pay her taxes and I doubt I will see it again. So I hurt bad and I can't believe I ignored signs and let everything happen so fast. It will not be easy, But in time I will get over this and move on. It will be a distant memory. I still think the more tragic thing is she will most likely continue in this cycle of falling madly in love, all the passion, and then dumping the guy before the process repeats itself again. Having to live her life like that is a terrible punishment. Shame is her family isn't stupid but I doubt they will ever intervene. I can't help but feel compassion for this incredibly lovely woman that made my heart sing. She really blew it. I would have cherished her for the rest of our lives.
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Runningasfastasican
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2010, 10:42:00 PM »

What you are writing about in regards to your Ex sounds really healthy and sweet... so I would respectfully say "kudos" to you... .but different people on here have had far ranging and sometimes very different interactions with some BPD sufferers, that unforunately can leave deep and long healing scars, sometimes it can vary depending on how horrific the treatment they endured... .some may have only encountered unexplainable break-ups and rage prior to a period of no-contact and the BPDSO leaving... .others have endured  domestic violence on a regularly occuring schedule as well as demeaning verbal and emotional abuse for years at the hands of the BPDSOs... .so I think that it is only human and to be expected that some could feel hostile towards their Exs... .for some of the most extreme cases, it is the hostile attitude that enables a person to break free from a truly debilitating and dysfunctional relationship... .to be honest, hostile attitudes can fade with time away from the traumatic events, and the BPDSO, however, I can honestly say that at times it can be very difficult not to feel some anger towards an individual that was chasing you around the house with murder in their eyes either days or hours prior to a post that you might put up on these boards... .take care
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Chazz
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« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2010, 10:48:46 PM »

What you are writing about in regards to your Ex sounds really healthy and sweet... so I would respectfully say "kudos" to you... .but different people on here have had far ranging and sometimes very different interactions with some BPD sufferers, that unforunately can leave deep and long healing scars, sometimes it can vary depending on how horrific the treatment they endured... .some may have only encountered unexplainable break-ups and rage prior to a period of no-contact and the BPDSO leaving... .others have endured  domestic violence on a regularly occuring schedule as well as demeaning verbal and emotional abuse for years at the hands of the BPDSOs... .so I think that it is only human and to be expected that some could feel hostile towards their Exs... .for some of the most extreme cases, it is the hostile attitude that enables a person to break free from a truly debilitating and dysfunctional relationship... .to be honest, hostile attitudes can fade with time away from the traumatic events, and the BPDSO, however, I can honestly say that at times it can be very difficult not to feel some anger towards an individual that was chasing you around the house with murder in their eyes either days or hours prior to a post that you might put up on these boards... .take care

Good post... .Anger and hostility are legitimate feelings when you've been mistreated, exploited and dumped.
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veryconcerned47
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« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2010, 11:18:44 PM »

Thanks for your reply. It was insightful. There is much more to this then I imagined. While my head is still spinning from what happened to me, to keep things in perspective what I went though doesn't compare to what you describe in your reply. I am still hurting really bad. I still keep waiting to wake up and find this was a crazy long nightmare. We all have our own stories about why we are here. While I am also angry as hell at what she did to me, the thought of her repeating this over and over without getting help evokes pity and sorrow for her. What a tragedy for all of us. I really appreciate the fact that this site exists. Good night.
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« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2010, 11:20:13 PM »

Misdirected anger is the unfortunate folly of many. It's usefulness can be measured by the grip that people hold on to it. It's easier to be angry at something you cannot change than something you can. Unfortunately there are people that stay permanently angry and dont see the wisdom of their philosophy.  

When you are really hurt, anger serves as a catapult to get away from harm. But it can also be addicting- serving as an emotional reminder of what we suffered in childhood in the spin cycle of dysfunction.  Some people dont know any other way- they haven't been taught to get out of the spin cycle. Their anger is refreshing, cleansing, purifying, cathartic. The result is they continue purging it and never really seeing how it owns them.

It's difficult to break out of an old habit that's past it's usefulness.  Sometimes it takes an independent observation to say- hey-what else can we do with this? Have you given it any thought? If not, why?  Idea Everyone has their reasons to suffering, everyone has their timeline for dumping on other people. Some people never find release from anger. Eventually, those are the people that suffer the most. Can we do anything about it? No.  We can only remind them that their philosophy becomes fact.  The facts are: this particular person is BAD for you. Move on. Deal with it. Protect yourself.

Given time, most people come out and through and begin to process their SO as BOTH good and bad. They remember what it was they liked in the person and what it was that they didn't -and then pocket away that info until the next time they begin to let down their guard with a new person. Beneficial, perhaps, in finding out more about themselves than ever before... .Anger should be temporary, not pathological.

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veryconcerned47
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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2010, 01:32:22 AM »

This post really hits a raw nerve for me that I need to admit to myself in order to get this all behind me. Unlike the people who were abused and suffered at the hands of the person with BPD that they opened their hearts to, most of our time together was spent loving each other, trying to please each other, doing the little things that would bring a smile to each others faces and other positive experiences. Yes, she hurt me bad by suddenly going off the deep end about some petty things and dumping me. This relationship didn't have time to burn out or get to the point where it didn't feel right anymore, instead it feels like this sweet wonderful woman has become possessed and our relationship died an unnatural   cause. I just called my companies EAP and I am going to discuss this with someone who could help me move on. I need to figure out the best way to get this behind me, but one thing is certain, distain or anger towards this woman is not going to be the answer.

They remember what it was they liked in the person and what it was that they didn't -and then pocket away that info until the next time they begin to let down their guard with a new person. Beneficial, perhaps, in finding out more about themselves than ever before... .Anger should be temporary, not pathological.

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« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2010, 02:42:57 AM »

Yes very concerned... .

I relate to this. I am devastated that the man I truly love cannot be helped by me. Infact the more I try to help him - the more he would resent me and blame me. He didn't even know why he was so angry with me towards the end. He said he just was...

I find it all very sad indeed. And I am a natural people pleaser and problem solver so this went down very badly with me.

However, he was emotionally abusing me. He probably couldn't help it but he wouldn't look into the traits he was diagnosed with and I was and am at rock bottom so had to save myself and my children before I went under.

x





[quote author=veryconcerned47 We all have our own stories about why we are here. While I am also angry as hell at what she did to me, the thought of her repeating this over and over without getting help evokes pity and sorrow for her. What a tragedy for all of us. I really appreciate the fact that this site exists. Good night. [/quote]
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2010, 04:01:18 AM »

Mine hit me and hurt me, so if I am hostile towards him, you can't blame me. He was amazing and lovely when he was not raging, but he hurt me so much when he did. You sounded lucky veryconcerned to have a non violent exBPD. Some of us were not so lucky. I still find it hard to let go of someone who abused me and sent my self confidence lower than he was. Compassion has now died along with most of the feelings I ever had for him.
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2010, 04:10:35 AM »

Misdirected anger is the unfortunate folly of many. It's usefulness can be measured by the grip that people hold on to it. It's easier to be angry at something you cannot change than something you can. Unfortunately there are people that stay permanently angry and dont see the wisdom of their philosophy.  

Anger should be temporary, not pathological.

Excellent point 2010.
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2010, 04:54:16 AM »

What you are writing about in regards to your Ex sounds really healthy and sweet... so I would respectfully say "kudos" to you... .but different people on here have had far ranging and sometimes very different interactions with some BPD sufferers, that unforunately can leave deep and long healing scars, sometimes it can vary depending on how horrific the treatment they endured... .some may have only encountered unexplainable break-ups and rage prior to a period of no-contact and the BPDSO leaving... .others have endured  domestic violence on a regularly occuring schedule as well as demeaning verbal and emotional abuse for years at the hands of the BPDSOs... .so I think that it is only human and to be expected that some could feel hostile towards their Exs... .for some of the most extreme cases, it is the hostile attitude that enables a person to break free from a truly debilitating and dysfunctional relationship... .to be honest, hostile attitudes can fade with time away from the traumatic events, and the BPDSO, however, I can honestly say that at times it can be very difficult not to feel some anger towards an individual that was chasing you around the house with murder in their eyes either days or hours prior to a post that you might put up on these boards... .take care

Good post runningasfastasIcan (your name always makes me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post) for a good while. Classic!)

Excerpt
This relationship didn't have time to burn out or get to the point where it didn't feel right anymore, instead it feels like this sweet wonderful woman has become possessed and our relationship died an unnatural   cause. I just called my companies EAP and I am going to discuss this with someone who could help me move on. I need to figure out the best way to get this behind me, but one thing is certain, distain or anger towards this woman is not going to be the answer.

Veryconcerned47, your relationship was going along sweetly before your ex suddenly changed and ended the relationship. However, in that short time you developed such feelings that when it ended the devastation was so great that you had to call your company's EAP to help you move on. Not the usual action for the end of a relationship but understandable given the type of dynamic that you were involved it and the natural devastation given that you appear to have been involved with a BPD.

You said disdain and anger towards your ex is not going to be the answer. Perhaps not, in your situation. However there are some people who were at the same point as you and lacked the disdain and anger at how they had been treated and in fact felt more sorry for their BPD than they did for themselves and the way they had been treated by the BPD. This allowed the BPD to be gratefully embraced fully back into their lives, when the BPD chose to return, to be treated 'abusively' again (yes, the way the BPD has acted is 'abusive' despite the sweetness that appeared to exist) and to be treated worse than the previous time. Sometimes this abusive dynamic has gone on for months and years until the person didn't know their left from their right. 

Think of how you feel NOW. Imagine how you would feel if the same thing that you have experienced happened to you 2 or 3,4,5,6 times? If you didn't have any disdain or anger against such treatment, you would be perpetually in a cycle of pain and dysfunction because you would be feeling sorry for the BPD, listening to her excuses of why she did what she did - which would portray her as the victim who you needed to take care of, you would  be remembering the good times and you would see her as 'sweet'. Until the next time you would be left devastated by her.

Some people went through hell and back with their BPD and the moment they invoked their disdain and anger, it allowed the cycle of abuse to stop.

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little doggy
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2010, 05:33:15 AM »

These have been very good posts. However I must say I have not really noticed too much hostility in the boards. Many of the stories are frightening and horrific. Yet the posts are usually incredibly supportive and reassuring. Even amidst the pain and distress, many posts are full of humour (anyone read the creative writing post - classic !). Every once in a while there's a good vent but I have been quite amazed at the sense of support and companionship of the boards.
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« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2010, 05:48:48 AM »

I think its difficult when you've been lied to, cheated on, hit. I think the difference here is that you left and walked away when you saw the direction of the wind. Many of us here, me included, have and are working on codependency problems that were highlighted in this relationship. I am quite resentful of my ex, promising me the world, lying behind my back, the rages, you know the drill, she pretty much broke me over 2 years and I left that relationship feeling brainwashed and disguarded (even though I left her - it took way too long).

A lot of the anger is with ourselves for staying so long, returning so many times, believing she meant it when she said she would make efforts and just none of that coming through. I didn't know people acted like this, I didn't know such unempathetic people existed who could use others like objects, so Im angry. Of course I know this woman is pretty much doomed in relationships, and mine is actually not just close to pshycotic, but really sometimes coco-bananas and has so many problem spin offs (job losses, friend losses, times in mental homes) that I do feel sorry for her, its just hard when you've been beaten black and blue emotionally to have that much care for her. It'll come so at the moment I am allowing myself to be angry with her, it also helps me fuel NC.

There is a big sense of injustice for me, I tried so hard to be her friend and her lover, I bent over backwards and forgave so much but that was entirely the wrong approach, im mad at her and im mad at me. You sound healthy, probably you are not a codependent, just a guy who got messed up with a girl, saw she was BPD and left, many guys like that don't even make it to these boards.
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« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2010, 05:56:08 AM »

I think anger is good and healthy... .also quite a normal reaction given the various circumstances.  However... .holding onto that anger can become unhealthy after a period of time.   YOU will feel anger as well... .mark my word.  Maybe not now... .but it will come... .it is part of this process... .kind of like grieving a loss.  I went through it... .just did not hold onto it for long.   'hostility'?... .I don't really see that. (on some posts I do)... .but overall people are just venting and talking about their experiences.  Some,  I might add... .are horrific.  I am just happy my experience did not evenn compare.  Everyone is different and has dealt with different levels of the BPD... .although one thing in common is that it is impossible to be in a relationship with someone who is not seeking treatment... .and even worse, has no idea they have it.  That is a fact... .tough one to swallow... .but a fact. 
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little doggy
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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2010, 06:06:33 AM »

Turtle soup, you're stuff is so familiar to me. Our x's were dementors sucking out our souls. I'm almost 3 years past separation (after 24 year relationship with psycho bp - my scars are very deep). Even today I've come from the T feeling trashed and emotionally drained (sorting out issues with kids). Its really tough and I read your pain (and others) and feel my own but man you say stuff that makes me laugh. And that's a very good thing. Not sure this answers the point of this topic but thought I'd say it anyway.
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2010, 06:30:07 AM »

These have been very good posts. However I must say I have not really noticed too much hostility in the boards. Many of the stories are frightening and horrific. Yet the posts are usually incredibly supportive and reassuring. Even amidst the pain and distress, many posts are full of humour (anyone read the creative writing post - classic !). Every once in a while there's a good vent but I have been quite amazed at the sense of support and companionship of the boards.

I agree with you... .

I suppose it depends where you are and what support you feel you need. Some people want to remember and talk about how great their xBPD made them 'feel', how fantastic their xBPD was, how their xBPD was the best person that they have ever met in their lives and will ever meet, etc... .Unfortunately, not everyone on this board will be at that point or share this idealised view.

Sometimes to hear something other than what you are thinking or holding on to, can be harsh. It can be a 'REALITY CHECK'. That can seem hostile when you are in a certain place and not ready for that.

To others, it will be welcome enlightenment and/or validation for their horrific experiences and a place that they can legitimately say what they went through, how they feel... .if they feel angry about what they went through and express it... .so be it... .

Anger is a natural part of the 'process' of healing. Some people have had to repress all that they felt until they came here. Ask any psychologist the consequences of people that repress negative emotions. It is not the best thing to do for anyone who wants to deal with something and move on... .healthily!

Little Doggy, I have had some good belly-ache laughs from the humour on these boards  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Turlesoup, I still remember the 'charm school' comment you made. It cracks me up everytime I think of it!... .




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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2010, 06:31:33 AM »

Turtle soup, you're stuff is so familiar to me. Our x's were dementors sucking out our souls. I'm almost 3 years past separation (after 24 year relationship with psycho bp - my scars are very deep). Even today I've come from the T feeling trashed and emotionally drained (sorting out issues with kids). Its really tough and I read your pain (and others) and feel my own but man you say stuff that makes me laugh. And that's a very good thing. Not sure this answers the point of this topic but thought I'd say it anyway.

If I spent 24 years with that woman, and im not saying it for dramatic effect, Im being serious, I imagine I would be a gibbering vegetable or dead. So well done for getting out!
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« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2010, 06:34:27 AM »

Turtle soup, you're stuff is so familiar to me. Our x's were dementors sucking out our souls. I'm almost 3 years past separation (after 24 year relationship with psycho bp - my scars are very deep). Even today I've come from the T feeling trashed and emotionally drained (sorting out issues with kids). Its really tough and I read your pain (and others) and feel my own but man you say stuff that makes me laugh. And that's a very good thing. Not sure this answers the point of this topic but thought I'd say it anyway.

Little doggy, glad you can still laugh ... .despite all that has happened/is happening. Good for you!  Smiling (click to insert in post) May it long continue!
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« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2010, 06:52:13 AM »

I read most of these posts quickly, but found parts in all that are true to me.

I think if you are fortunate enough to get out early ( as much as it may hurt to be " dumped" by the BPD) you have been spared ALOT of what us others end up going through.

I have been physically, verbally, mentally , emotionally abused as well as threatened ( my life, my finances, my job , my reputation my children to name a few things that have been threatened to be " ruined"

I have been punched, slapped, grabbed, pushed, had my wallet taken, my personal belongings gone through, my children been called the worst names imaginable, my tiny dog threatened - all this adds up to a wee bit of anger.

And yes, it is mainly at myself, as I kick myself for not seeing the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and letting her leave the first time she stormed out, I should have said A dios, and considered myself saved.

Now I am in limbo, as I am too scared to tell her to leave, and have on the other hand come to the realization that any future with her- is impossible, due to her lack of insight, and refusal to stick by her word to get help, and do DBT.

I am mad at myself for the time I spend running to therapists, running to talk to abuse councellors making exit strategies- using MY vacations hours from work to do so !

I know that once she is gone ( however that plays out) I will be angry for awhile, but it will pass... .
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« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2010, 06:53:50 AM »

A lot of the anger is with ourselves for staying so long, returning so many times, believing she meant it when she said she would make efforts and just none of that coming through. I didn't know people acted like this, I didn't know such unempathetic people existed who could use others like objects, so Im angry.

Yes... .naturally.

Excerpt
I do feel sorry for her, its just hard when you've been beaten black and blue emotionally to have that much care for her. It'll come so at the moment I am allowing myself to be angry with her, it also helps me fuel NC.

Absolutely... .

Excerpt
There is a big sense of injustice for me, I tried so hard to be her friend and her lover, I bent over backwards and forgave so much but that was entirely the wrong approach, im mad at her and im mad at me. You sound healthy, probably you are not a codependent, just a guy who got messed up with a girl, saw she was BPD and left, many guys like that don't even make it to these boards.

Turtlesoup, if you are talking about veryconcerned47, he did not leave... .

Yes, she hurt me bad by suddenly going off the deep end about some petty things and dumping me. This relationship didn't have time to burn out or get to the point where it didn't feel right anymore, instead it feels like this sweet wonderful woman has become possessed and our relationship died an unnatural cause. I just called my companies EAP and I am going to discuss this with someone who could help me move on.

In fact, veryconcerned47 admits that he has not gone on the BPD merry-go-round and/or rollercoaster (the BPD cut the relationship off in it's 'honeymoon stage' but it has still had a devastating effect, naturally. Imagine how he would feel if he had? And it was long past the idealised honeymoon phase? Even if you didn't want to be angry... .you absolutely would.

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« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2010, 06:59:25 AM »

I know that once she is gone ( however that plays out) I will be angry for awhile, but it will pass... .

Absolutely... .and you have every right to be angry. And yes... .the anger will pass.

Don't abandon your exit strategies and keep taking care of you and your children  x

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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2010, 07:06:17 AM »

Ahh sorry, didn't see the replies. OK if she left you and it was in the honeymoon phase and you're not overly hostile then I'm surprised, my empathy for her ran long dry, I've had periods (that last about as long as it takes me to have the thought and then go "naaaah) where I feel sorry for her but I'm still in hostile mode. If you're not then you're a better man than me!
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« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2010, 07:17:27 AM »

I think its difficult when you've been lied to, cheated on, hit.

Saw this thread right away today and I'm glad I did.  I woke up pretty much in a rage today.  It isn't because my wife did anything new, I haven't even talked to her.  But I woke up angry just thinking about my situation.  The hostility is off the charts.

I married her before I knew she was so crazy and BP.  I did everything for her for 3.5 years.  I basically resigned myself to dealing with her for the rest of my life because that is what I promised when I married her.  I took my vows seriously even though it would have been very easy for me to just walk away within a few months of the wedding, when I figured out what was wrong with her.  But I didn't.  I stuck with it.  I gave up major parts of my life for 3.5 years.  I was beat up.  I was berated.  I walked a tightrope every day.

And then, SHE leaves me for some jackass?

Damn right there is a lot of hostility here.
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« Reply #22 on: April 01, 2010, 07:34:32 AM »

I am trying to stay angry so I can stay away from him... .

I have been emotionally, physically, and verbally TERRORIZED.  Yes we had sweet and loving times... .in face most of our time was spend mostly happy (as happy as he could be)... .But the other side of him is what I need to remember... .

It's only been a week and I still love him... .I miss him so much, I hate being in our home alone...

I can't help but remember when he held me, loved me, kissed me softly, told me how special i was, how he would never cherish anyone the way he cherished me... .I can't forget the broken dreams... .promises of forever... . 

But then I have to remember the Rages, name calling... Lying about black eyes and busted lips... .hiding bruises, all the tears I have cryed... .the list can go on... .

Maybe it's because I am only 7 days out... .but YES... .I am hostile... .I am ANGRY and if I wasn't I'd be crazy... .We have to hold on to anger until we heal... .or they will trap us in their chaos again... .(at least in my case)...   :'(
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« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2010, 07:48:48 AM »

I am trying to stay angry so I can stay away from him... .

I have been emotionally, physically, and verbally TERRORIZED.  Yes we had sweet and loving times... .in face most of our time was spend mostly happy (as happy as he could be)... .But the other side of him is what I need to remember... .

It's only been a week and I still love him... .I miss him so much, I hate being in our home alone...

I can't help but remember when he held me, loved me, kissed me softly, told me how special i was, how he would never cherish anyone the way he cherished me... .I can't forget the broken dreams... .promises of forever... . 

But then I have to remember the Rages, name calling... Lying about black eyes and busted lips... .hiding bruises, all the tears I have cryed... .the list can go on... .

Maybe it's because I am only 7 days out... .but YES... .I am hostile... .I am ANGRY and if I wasn't I'd be crazy... .We have to hold on to anger until we heal... .or they will trap us in their chaos again... .(at least in my case)...   :'(

Lostinwonderland, that is exactly how I feel.    It does get better. I promise. I am past anger, I am at that 'couldn't give a s**t stage!
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amyt
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« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2010, 07:50:42 AM »

Good for you, Vacuum_boots! How long did that take, may I ask?  x


I am trying to stay angry so I can stay away from him... .

I have been emotionally, physically, and verbally TERRORIZED.  Yes we had sweet and loving times... .in face most of our time was spend mostly happy (as happy as he could be)... .But the other side of him is what I need to remember... .

It's only been a week and I still love him... .I miss him so much, I hate being in our home alone...

I can't help but remember when he held me, loved me, kissed me softly, told me how special i was, how he would never cherish anyone the way he cherished me... .I can't forget the broken dreams... .promises of forever... . 

But then I have to remember the Rages, name calling... Lying about black eyes and busted lips... .hiding bruises, all the tears I have cryed... .the list can go on... .

Maybe it's because I am only 7 days out... .but YES... .I am hostile... .I am ANGRY and if I wasn't I'd be crazy... .We have to hold on to anger until we heal... .or they will trap us in their chaos again... .(at least in my case)...   :'(

Lostinwonderland, that is exactly how I feel.    It does get better. I promise. I am past anger, I am at that 'couldn't give a s**t stage!

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« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2010, 07:57:03 AM »

Turtlesoup is right in that a lot of anger here is really inward facing.  

People here are grieving the loss of relationships and hopes and trust.  And psychology maintains that there are stages to grief, including anger.  This is a natural course of events.

I've seen more pity than anger among the "secondary nons" - those of us involved with someone who was hurt by a pwBPD.  Maybe because we've been less directly affected and haven't experienced that sense of hope and loss.  But I also see more pity than anger among people who want to attribute all the BPD actions to an "illness" rather than intentional behavior by a person who refuses to be held accountable.  So I think there's also a different mindset here among people who hold their ex loved ones to a standard of human behavior that they have failed versus those who believe that because the ex has a disorder that both people are responsible for modifying their behavior and expectations.  The people in the second camp can tend to take more of the disappointment in the ex's behavior onto their own shoulders.

In short, there are a lot of different emotions here, felt by a lot of different people, who experienced a lot of different things in a lot of different relationships.  On top of that, they are all moving through it at different paces and see it in different ways.  So while so many of the individual stories, like rages and infidelities, sound the same, each of these situations truly is unique and must be accepted as such by the other members.
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« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2010, 08:00:20 AM »

I think its difficult when you've been lied to, cheated on, hit.

Saw this thread right away today and I'm glad I did.  I woke up pretty much in a rage today.  It isn't because my wife did anything new, I haven't even talked to her.  But I woke up angry just thinking about my situation.  The hostility is off the charts.

I married her before I knew she was so crazy and BP.  I did everything for her for 3.5 years.  I basically resigned myself to dealing with her for the rest of my life because that is what I promised when I married her.  I took my vows seriously even though it would have been very easy for me to just walk away within a few months of the wedding, when I figured out what was wrong with her.  But I didn't.  I stuck with it.  I gave up major parts of my life for 3.5 years.  I was beat up.  I was berated.  I walked a tightrope every day.

And then, SHE leaves me for some jackass?

Damn right there is a lot of hostility here.

I'm sorry you went through this... .

This goes to show that one should NEVER put one's own life on hold to rescue and further

someone else's. They won't appreciate the sacrifice to any real extent because they were not

the one's that sacrificed.

It also goes to emphasise the advice 'Take care of YOU'.

Unfortunately, it appears the resentment and hostility is about your choices.

Your wife simply benefitted from your choices. Who doesn't enjoy a benefit?

When one makes the decision to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, it is NEVER going to be a mutual

and equal relationship. You will always be the rescuer/forgiver of some 'BPD crisis' with little or no gain for you.

That is the nature of the beast.

Hence, the reason why some utilise their anger, resentment and hostility

to THEIR advantage and make the 'choice' to leave.







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turtlesoup
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« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2010, 08:01:28 AM »

Correct KHat, Im straddling these two positions, I have a tiptoe on "oh its a disorder and we both had a role to play" but most of my weight, including my kaboose is sat on "how dare you treat me like this", but like others said, it needs to be, if I went at this point a bit soft on that, I can imagine I wouldnt have processed the fact that this woman is kryptonite to me and would think "she's ill - i should help".

So its a process like you say, I want to arrive at that second position but fully confident in the knowledge there is nothing i can do about her illness and have that emotional distance so I am also not tempted to. I can't afford to go soft half way thru... .LOL, im sorry, sometimes i just gotta chuckle.
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VB
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« Reply #28 on: April 01, 2010, 08:12:47 AM »

Hi amyt, it took me about 3 months to disengaged and a futher month to get to the stage of not caring anymore. It really was like this: Woke up last Sunday, realised I didn't care anymore.

I can think about the good times without wanting him back. The thought of his touch makes me flinch now. I don't have tears in my eyes anymore. He hurt me so much, both mentally and physically, why should I give me one more second of my time? I am the powerful one now. Not him!
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amyt
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« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2010, 08:16:46 AM »





YAY!


That is great news. I didn't have physical abuse. How long were you with him again? Sorry if you already said... .I get a bit muddled! xx x

Hi amyt, it took me about 3 months to disengaged and a futher month to get to the stage of not caring anymore. It really was like this: Woke up last Sunday, realised I didn't care anymore.

I can think about the good times without wanting him back. The thought of his touch makes me flinch now. I don't have tears in my eyes anymore. He hurt me so much, both mentally and physically, why should I give me one more second of my time? I am the powerful one now. Not him!

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