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Author Topic: not trying to judge but there is more hostility here than I expected  (Read 7167 times)
VB
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« Reply #30 on: April 01, 2010, 08:45:39 AM »

Hi Amy,

I was with him for nearly 3 years. I always thought that there wouldn't be a next time... .but there was. Again and again!
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« Reply #31 on: April 01, 2010, 09:28:18 AM »

Hey Vaccum,

Im also in that stage atm, the contact last weekend actually was a good thing for me as it only highlighted the rubbish I'd left behind, over the past two days I really dont have any feeling towards her or crave any contact but Im still quite attached to this board and still feel quite PO'ed about what went down, but as for feeling "urgh" in the stomach and upset, that's gone. Im 3 months out in 4 days... .so i would say 3 months is a pretty good indicator to those who were in upto around 2 years.
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« Reply #32 on: April 01, 2010, 09:45:05 AM »

Im 3 months out in 4 days... .so i would say 3 months is a pretty good indicator to those who were in upto around 2 years.

I read once that it takes about half the length of a relationship to recover from it fully.  I wonder how that applies to relationships with people with BPD and all the coming and going and searches for closure?  I guess that depends largely on therapy and to what extent the person who is freeing themselves of the relationship focuses on introspection.  I always find that diving headfirst into a new relationship without any reflection or therapy regarding the old is a red flag.  One of the major reasons I've tried to set a very slow pace with the reconnection with my boyfriend, and encourage his independent therapy.  But as long as I remain involved with him on any level I have to make an attempt to see the world through his POV - which has been colored by BPD (or something remarkably like it) for so long thanks to the STBXw.
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« Reply #33 on: April 01, 2010, 10:21:08 AM »

Oh, it will take me a lot longer to fully recover from the fleas and the memories. I just feel as I have reached my emotional plateau now. I can see him and feel nothing. I think that my brain has finally overtaken my heart. The way I was treated by him, well I wouldn't accept that off anyone, so why him? You have to put this all into perspective! It's weird, I look at him and I feel nothing. Blank. Nada. Nowt (as they say in Yorkshire, UK!). Your time will come people!
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« Reply #34 on: April 01, 2010, 10:37:09 AM »

Oh, it will take me a lot longer to fully recover from the fleas and the memories. I just feel as I have reached my emotional plateau now. I can see him and feel nothing. I think that my brain has finally overtaken my heart. The way I was treated by him, well I wouldn't accept that off anyone, so why him? You have to put this all into perspective! It's weird, I look at him and I feel nothing. Blank. Nada. Nowt (as they say in Yorkshire, UK!). Your time will come people!

Yeah! One for the team. Well, im claiming it anyway. Go Vaccum boots, well done! Please for you.  x
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« Reply #35 on: April 01, 2010, 11:05:04 AM »

Yeah! One for the team. Well, im claiming it anyway. Go Vaccum boots, well done! Please for you.  x

Thank you!    I decided I had suffered enough. Got to be cruel to be kind! 
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« Reply #36 on: April 01, 2010, 11:08:08 AM »

I guess I will bring the vote to 2 about the hostility level on this board.  It bothers me, too.

For sure, anger  is a response to the awful state of affairs that went on for so long, too long.  Failure to get angry in return is part of the non's syndrome.  Etc etc.  But - many of us left because we got angry about living with so much anger.  The anger was the ironic final motivator, but a big goal was to live a life not so immersed in anger.

It's OK to vent under these circumstances, especially initially after break-up.  But I do get concerned when I read participants lashing back harshly six months and more after separation.  To me, that in itself is pathological.  And it is not helpful to me to read that stuff.  Here's a suggestion: somehow allowing room for threads or space for those who want to cope by going beyond anger.  I actually read participants lashing out at those who want to approach the issues beyond anger - as if we should be angry at the non-angry for not being angry!  So please, when some of us want to deal with issues in other than angry contexts, just let us go on in our private madness.  You can have your own space for the other path, too.
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« Reply #37 on: April 01, 2010, 11:16:16 AM »

I am not angry. I just feel disgust. I feel no apathy towards him. I am not angry, just amused at myself to be honest that I took it for long. I actually like reading about how angry people are. If you were punched, kicked, had a gun pulled to your head, would you not be angry? I know I would. I would be angry at how someone could do that to someone that they are supposed to love. People deal with things in different way and I feel that is what this board is. It is a release, if our feelings were censored and moved to another location on here, then it is almost like saying what we are feeling is wrong, and it is not. Reading about  how angry some people were made me take stock. If they were saying less harsh things I might have even been tempted to stay. I want the cold hard facts and the cold hard feelings. We are only human after all. I have a right to feel hostile towards the hit_ and what he did and said to me.
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« Reply #38 on: April 01, 2010, 11:21:57 AM »

I think maybe it appears shocking to some also because those who are not angry in that way on the most part ... .they've left haven't they, sorted out their issues, learnt their BPD lesson and gone away.

When every so often we get an oldie come back and say "hey just wanted to let you know its all fine now", well we get that rarely so the balance is skewed to people coming from L2, who are really quite invested still and others who are in the angry phase and there is a place for discussing BPD, your relationship and stuff in level 5 and 6 no?

I don't think you can hold people's hostility against them or even be surprised, some here have gone through actual real trauma and some have been robbed of 20 years or more, that's how they see it.

I also see a lot of humour on these boards, even when people are going hell for leather and name calling their BPD quite often they go  Smiling (click to insert in post) after it because they know they are just releasing.
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« Reply #39 on: April 01, 2010, 11:27:38 AM »

I agree with Turtle. If it hadn't been for these boards I would have gone mad. Before I found them I thought I was mad. I didn't realize that others were going through the same pain as me. I have learned so much from these boards and they  have built my confidence up. I am so glad that I can help others on here now and still have a rant. I am not out of the woods yet, and I am glad I can come here on L3 and release it all when I need to!
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« Reply #40 on: April 01, 2010, 11:35:16 AM »

Thanks for your reply. I agree with your points. You are correct, I would never have imagined that I would reach out to my companies EAP for a relationship gone bad, but this was different. We went from one extreme to another and it left my head spinning. The I also need help in disengaging my son who misses her and her son. Normally in the past when a relationship didn't work out, I was fine. Until now I never had an issue when it came to moving on. I guess it just doesn't feel natural. You are right that I only experienced 1 cycle. I could not imagine going back and forth multiple times and if I did, maybe some distain would enter the picture. Thanks again


What you are writing about in regards to your Ex sounds really healthy and sweet... so I would respectfully say "kudos" to you... .but different people on here have had far ranging and sometimes very different interactions with some BPD sufferers, that unforunately can leave deep and long healing scars, sometimes it can vary depending on how horrific the treatment they endured... .some may have only encountered unexplainable break-ups and rage prior to a period of no-contact and the BPDSO leaving... .others have endured  domestic violence on a regularly occuring schedule as well as demeaning verbal and emotional abuse for years at the hands of the BPDSOs... .so I think that it is only human and to be expected that some could feel hostile towards their Exs... .for some of the most extreme cases, it is the hostile attitude that enables a person to break free from a truly debilitating and dysfunctional relationship... .to be honest, hostile attitudes can fade with time away from the traumatic events, and the BPDSO, however, I can honestly say that at times it can be very difficult not to feel some anger towards an individual that was chasing you around the house with murder in their eyes either days or hours prior to a post that you might put up on these boards... .take care

Good post runningasfastasIcan (your name always makes me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post) for a good while. Classic!)

Excerpt
This relationship didn't have time to burn out or get to the point where it didn't feel right anymore, instead it feels like this sweet wonderful woman has become possessed and our relationship died an unnatural   cause. I just called my companies EAP and I am going to discuss this with someone who could help me move on. I need to figure out the best way to get this behind me, but one thing is certain, distain or anger towards this woman is not going to be the answer.

Veryconcerned47, your relationship was going along sweetly before your ex suddenly changed and ended the relationship. However, in that short time you developed such feelings that when it ended the devastation was so great that you had to call your company's EAP to help you move on. Not the usual action for the end of a relationship but understandable given the type of dynamic that you were involved it and the natural devastation given that you appear to have been involved with a BPD.

You said disdain and anger towards your ex is not going to be the answer. Perhaps not, in your situation. However there are some people who were at the same point as you and lacked the disdain and anger at how they had been treated and in fact felt more sorry for their BPD than they did for themselves and the way they had been treated by the BPD. This allowed the BPD to be gratefully embraced fully back into their lives, when the BPD chose to return, to be treated 'abusively' again (yes, the way the BPD has acted is 'abusive' despite the sweetness that appeared to exist) and to be treated worse than the previous time. Sometimes this abusive dynamic has gone on for months and years until the person didn't know their left from their right. 

Think of how you feel NOW. Imagine how you would feel if the same thing that you have experienced happened to you 2 or 3,4,5,6 times? If you didn't have any disdain or anger against such treatment, you would be perpetually in a cycle of pain and dysfunction because you would be feeling sorry for the BPD, listening to her excuses of why she did what she did - which would portray her as the victim who you needed to take care of, you would  be remembering the good times and you would see her as 'sweet'. Until the next time you would be left devastated by her.

Some people went through hell and back with their BPD and the moment they invoked their disdain and anger, it allowed the cycle of abuse to stop.

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« Reply #41 on: April 01, 2010, 11:36:01 AM »

What you are writing about in regards to your Ex sounds really healthy and sweet... so I would respectfully say "kudos" to you... .but different people on here have had far ranging and sometimes very different interactions with some BPD sufferers, that unforunately can leave deep and long healing scars, sometimes it can vary depending on how horrific the treatment they endured... .some may have only encountered unexplainable break-ups and rage prior to a period of no-contact and the BPDSO leaving... .others have endured  domestic violence on a regularly occuring schedule as well as demeaning verbal and emotional abuse for years at the hands of the BPDSOs... .so I think that it is only human and to be expected that some could feel hostile towards their Exs... .for some of the most extreme cases, it is the hostile attitude that enables a person to break free from a truly debilitating and dysfunctional relationship... .to be honest, hostile attitudes can fade with time away from the traumatic events, and the BPDSO, however, I can honestly say that at times it can be very difficult not to feel some anger towards an individual that was chasing you around the house with murder in their eyes either days or hours prior to a post that you might put up on these boards... .take care

Good post... .Anger and hostility are legitimate feelings when you've been mistreated, exploited and dumped.

Here Here!

I for one can easily see its going to take a long time and some good steady counselling/therapy for me to get over the way I feel at this time because of being constantly battered in every way, shape and form, if I even am ever able to... .
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« Reply #42 on: April 01, 2010, 11:43:11 AM »

Thanks for your reply. I totally relate to your comment about injustice. I remember her brother once telling me that my sister is very special, she has made some bad choices and just love her and everything will be wonderful. I kept my part of the deal and then got tossed away like I was garbage. She could not care less for how she made me feel. So in the spirit of keeping the facts straight, I did not leave her, she dumped me, and this wasn't the first time I had what my friend who is a counselor called a 'broken winged woman' that I wanted to fix. Only difference is there were no extremes and the 2 other woman who had issues scared me off and did not leave me feeling this way.

There is a big sense of injustice for me, I tried so hard to be her friend and her lover, I bent over backwards and forgave so much but that was entirely the wrong approach, im mad at her and im mad at me. You sound healthy, probably you are not a codependent, just a guy who got messed up with a girl, saw she was BPD and left, many guys like that don't even make it to these boards.

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« Reply #43 on: April 01, 2010, 11:51:31 AM »

When I step back and look at the big picture, the good we shared still outweighed the bad. Over time I am sure that would have changed. I am just trying to be honest with this community and myself when I say that part of me still misses her bad and loves her, at the same time another part of me understands that since she is in denial and would not go for help (she is a medical professional, OR Nurse), that she will do nothing but hurt me and my emotional well being , so there can not be a future with her. On another note it seems that she has no intention of letting get some things (a laptop, cam corder, TV, plus money I loaned her to pay her taxes back). when I asked her she went into a rage.

Ahh sorry, didn't see the replies. OK if she left you and it was in the honeymoon phase and you're not overly hostile then I'm surprised, my empathy for her ran long dry, I've had periods (that last about as long as it takes me to have the thought and then go "naaaah) where I feel sorry for her but I'm still in hostile mode. If you're not then you're a better man than me!

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« Reply #44 on: April 01, 2010, 01:11:37 PM »

I am just trying to be honest with this community and myself when I say that part of me still misses her bad and loves her,

Veryconcerned47, there is nothing wrong in you loving her and feeling the way you do and stating it here. Most people will absolutely empathise completely with how you feel. We have all been there. That is part of the pain that we are/were feeling... .the loss of what we felt we had. Missing the person and feeling that we loved the person, they loved us... .and not initially quite understanding what happened? What went wrong? Where is the person I met? Hoping and praying that they will come back in the original form that we met them.

Because you met most of us at a different stage of the process, maybe you felt that you couldn't express how you felt because rather than meeting lots of people saying 'they love and miss their xBPD' you met a lot of people saying 'good riddance to bad rubbish!'  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post) In a way that can be intimidating... .so I understand.

Please don't feel bad or apologise for loving and missing you exBPD. Your feelings will be as legitimate and 'supported' as everyone else's  x



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« Reply #45 on: April 01, 2010, 01:20:12 PM »

Excerpt
Please don't feel bad or apologise for loving and missing you exBPD. Your feelings will be as legitimate and 'supported' as everyone else's 



 
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« Reply #46 on: April 01, 2010, 04:00:26 PM »

I am finally at a place of compassion, but it's taken me 13 years to get there.  Doesn't mean I'm not clear-eyed about exactly how toxic he is, and doesn't mean that I'm not blunt about saying so and protecting my son and myself from him.  But it does mean that I no longer get panicked and angry on those rare occasions when I have to deal with him.
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« Reply #47 on: April 01, 2010, 04:06:15 PM »

Are you sure she is truly a borderline? The way you described your relationship as “most of our time together was spent loving each other, trying to please each other, doing the little things that would bring a smile to each others faces and other positive experiences.” That does NOT sound like a person with BPD! A person with BPD has a cruel cycle pattern of destructive abuse.

Maybe your relationship just ended badly. A true borderline has a long pattern of “push you away and pull you back”…“love you one minute and rage the next minute”.  A person with BPD will keep you in a cycle of confusing abuse. You mentioned that your girlfriend “turned on you at the end”…well, maybe she was just over the relationship and wanted it over. Maybe she in NOT a borderline. You should not label someone with a mental disorder just because she was rude to you at the end of a relationship. You think people here are too judgmental? If you suffered the abuse of TRUE borderline, you might have a very different opinion.
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« Reply #48 on: April 01, 2010, 04:29:14 PM »

If you suffered the abuse of TRUE borderline, you might have a very different opinion.

Amen.
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« Reply #49 on: April 01, 2010, 04:40:14 PM »

There is much more to it than your post states. I didn't think that every time I posted and added a few points that I had to retell the entire story and pass a validation test.

There is an article on this site that a close long time friend of the family  sent to me who is a mental health professional (teaches psychology) and teacher. It is called HOW A BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER LOVE RELATIONSHIP EVOLVEs by Roger Melton MA. . If I take what I experienced and compare it to that article, it's almost like that article is telling my experience.  All the failed marriages, engagements and relationships where it was always the other persons fault. The Love phase, the fact that others betrayed her and were insensitive, feeling constantly adored immediately, the mirroring, me always being the center of attention, then the clinger phase where things started to change, the transformation, the way she started to exert control, the pains the aches, feeling like I am on a rescue mission, the black hole of emotional hunger, then the hater phase and the sudden rage and the ending with all the attacks on petty things I have done. I do not feel the need to justify why I am here to you. If the people that control this site thought based on my intro that it was not BPD, they would have told me. Instead they said my story is a common one. Plus there were some aspects of her past that I choose not to share for my own reasons. Even though it doesn't match your definition of BPD. So I have enough to contend with in dealing with my sudden lose and my very disappointed son. I don't need to spend any more time and energy passing your tests.

Finally, I never said anyone here was too judgmental. I shared my feelings because I still felt lots of compassion for this woman and because of all of the constructive non-judgemetal replies, I was able to understand that many people here had it worse than me.

Are you sure she is truly a borderline? The way you described your relationship as “most of our time together was spent loving each other, trying to please each other, doing the little things that would bring a smile to each others faces and other positive experiences.” That does NOT sound like a person with BPD! A person with BPD has a cruel cycle pattern of destructive abuse.

Maybe your relationship just ended badly. A true borderline has a long pattern of “push you away and pull you back”…“love you one minute and rage the next minute”.  A person with BPD will keep you in a cycle of confusing abuse. You mentioned that your girlfriend “turned on you at the end”…well, maybe she was just over the relationship and wanted it over. Maybe she in NOT a borderline. You should not label someone with a mental disorder just because she was rude to you at the end of a relationship. You think people here are too judgmental? If you suffered the abuse of TRUE borderline, you might have a very different opinion.

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« Reply #50 on: April 01, 2010, 04:42:56 PM »

If this site or forum is for people that were only seriously abused  or in long term relationships with someone that has BPD, let me know and I will stop posting and participating.

If you suffered the abuse of TRUE borderline, you might have a very different opinion.

Amen.

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« Reply #51 on: April 01, 2010, 04:46:47 PM »

If this site or forum is for people that were only seriously abused  or in long term relationships with someone that has BPD, let me know and I will stop posting and participating.

If you suffered the abuse of TRUE borderline, you might have a very different opinion.

Amen.


Naaah cmon. I think the title and the opener did hit a bit of a nerve not just because many of us took a real beating out there but also, by our natures (thats why the BPDs dated us at all) we are all very compassionate and deeply feeling people, it kinda insinuated that the bitterness sometimes expressed is unfounded and that maybe some are a bit heartless cos the BPDers are ill and the nons are not.

Kinda like walking into an army hospital and telling folk to stop feeling so badly on the opposing factor. Anyone who is hurting or been hurt or tried to have a rel. with a BPD is welcome here as I understand it.
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« Reply #52 on: April 01, 2010, 04:53:52 PM »

To Interestedparty, I really appreciated your reply earlier and common sense would state that we all have unique experiences and have had to deal with this at different degrees. Regarding your words about my feelings being as legitimate and supported as everyone else's, there may be some on this site who because of the duration of our relationship and the fact that I was simply dumped without being abused, they are trying to suggest that maybe this is not even BPD. On a site like this there is no problem sharing experiences and opinions, but to take a small subset of what someone wrote, that is not the same as what you yourself went through, and then challenge the persons reasons for being here, IMO crosses a bad boundary and could set a bad precedent. If you look at at the bottom of page 3 you will see what prompted me to write this. Thanks

I am just trying to be honest with this community and myself when I say that part of me still misses her bad and loves her,

Veryconcerned47, there is nothing wrong in you loving her and feeling the way you do and stating it here. Most people will absolutely empathise completely with how you feel. We have all been there. That is part of the pain that we are/were feeling... .the loss of what we felt we had. Missing the person and feeling that we loved the person, they loved us... .and not initially quite understanding what happened? What went wrong? Where is the person I met? Hoping and praying that they will come back in the original form that we met them.

Because you met most of us at a different stage of the process, maybe you felt that you couldn't express how you felt because rather than meeting lots of people saying 'they love and miss their xBPD' you met a lot of people saying 'good riddance to bad rubbish!'  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post) In a way that can be intimidating... .so I understand.

Please don't feel bad or apologise for loving and missing you exBPD. Your feelings will be as legitimate and 'supported' as everyone else's  x


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« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2010, 04:59:11 PM »

 In defence here I reckon Honeymoon or not, I don’t think it matters. You def don’t need to be in it for years to qualify being here. I found that first rage episode one of the most devastating relationship experiences I had ever had – never seen anything like it, nothing to compare or compute, so the best of days – a hot sunny day on our first holiday together, became the worst. Unfortunately I took it as something so unusual it could not possibly happen again, but now I know that was when she properly unclothed herself emotionally and I not only saw, but actually experienced how it felt to be her under that gloss exterior. Man, I felt so bad I wanted to run and jump off a roof.

From that point on, fear was present, but I never fully understood why, and I thought this indicated some deficiency in me, something to be mastered. Instead, for me the long term consequences of sticking around were mental and emotional resources depleted, friends falling away, finances dwindling, kids and job not getting a fair deal - there is a big price to pay for hanging in there for all of us.
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« Reply #54 on: April 01, 2010, 05:09:37 PM »

Thanks so much for your posting. You are exactly right. That first major episode when decided to dump me when I called to discuss the food shopping list blew me away. At first I thought there was something else wrong and it would pass, but in fact she went from the love of my life (we had a loving evening before) to someone who could not stand the site of me overnight, still has my head spinning. I can't imagine how bad it would have been to go back and forth like this over and over. I understand why you use the word depleted.

In defence here I reckon Honeymoon or not, I don’t think it matters. You def don’t need to be in it for years to qualify being here. I found that first rage episode one of the most devastating relationship experiences I had ever had – never seen anything like it, nothing to compare or compute, so the best of days – a hot sunny day on our first holiday together, became the worst. Unfortunately I took it as something so unusual it could not possibly happen again, but now I know that was when she properly unclothed herself emotionally and I not only saw, but actually experienced how it felt to be her under that gloss exterior. Man, I felt so bad I wanted to run and jump off a roof.

From that point on, fear was present, but I never fully understood why, and I thought this indicated some deficiency in me, something to be mastered. Instead, for me the long term consequences of sticking around were mental and emotional resources depleted, friends falling away, finances dwindling, kids and job not getting a fair deal - there is a big price to pay for hanging in there for all of us.

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« Reply #55 on: April 01, 2010, 05:13:05 PM »

Maybe we all need to take a deep breath and chill for a bit  Being cool (click to insert in post)

No one's judging anyone, AFAICT.  We've all been through what we've been through, and we're talking about.  All our reactions are perfectly OK, no matter what they are.

x

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« Reply #56 on: April 01, 2010, 06:09:37 PM »

Just to weigh in with my own experiences... .the first rage episode for me (14 years ago now) was also one of the worst. It was so frightening, I felt so hopeless and alone. Then he was back, kind, loving, apologetic, etc. etc. and the cycle continued for over a decade. Finally I realized what was wrong, my SO was diagnosed, we went to T (together and individually).

But I also agree with what vacuumboots said (I think it was vacuumboots) that the disease and its resulting abuse has killed all the loving feelings I once had for my dBPDstbx. I am working on separating and ultimately divorce. We still live together now and it is very, very difficult.

I find myself somewhat jealously reading the posts of people whose SOs left them... .I have been asking my dBPDstbx to leave for over a year now and he still refuses to move out. As I have already emotionally disengaged from him I would love it if he left me! I am also often jealous of the younger people (I am 40) who are out of their BPD relationships before marriage and children, or after a few months instead of many years.

HOWEVER: that's not to say that their pain isn't as bad or that their feelings are less valid than mine. We all belong here if we had a relationship with a BPD, but just acknowledge that some of us have been more damaged than others by those relationships.

But anger and hostility? Yes, I feel that a lot. Then again, I have given up nearly a decade and a half of my life (and most of my youth) to this person who has given me back mostly abuse and pain. So, yeah, I think it's legitimate to feel that way.

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Aluna
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« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2010, 07:42:33 PM »

For a decade and a half, my DH was abused physically, emotionally, intellectually, financially, and judicially by his BPD now-ex-wife. She did everything from systematically depriving him of sleep, to ignoring him after he was hit by a car, to accusing his crippled father of raping her, to alleging that he had molested his toddler daughter when all he did was toilet train her. He honestly thought she would kill him and was just hanging in there to protect his daughter.

If he wasn't still angry from time to time, it just plain wouldn't be healthy. In fact, it took him two full years to even BEGIN to feel the anger - before that, he was deeply in shock. It doesn't consume him, but it's not healthy for him to suppress his feelings any more, and if anger is one of them, then that's something that needs to come out.
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squaredots
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Relationship status: Divorced 2005. Met BPGF2006.
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« Reply #58 on: April 01, 2010, 08:32:58 PM »

I remember reading about the effect of horrific images - they shock, transfix and anaesthetise. So it is with our beloved BP's. That first real contact is seismic. Then we get obsessive and stuck until the waves subside sufficiently for us to move on. It is a truly mortifying and horrific experience. How on earth, in fair world, are we to be prepared for such an event. Just reminded of an old quote 'evil prevails when good men do nothing'. In BP land I would simply say 'evil prevails'. It appears there is no salvation for our lost loved ones, and neither do they want saving. They truly belong to the dark side. Best  you can do for you and those you love is run - sooner the better, so well done if you got out after one cycle. You are probably better adjusted than those who stayed for the ride - IMHO - all disclaimers apply . . . shoot me  ;p
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veryconcerned47
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« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2010, 09:11:20 PM »

Wow, the more I am learning about this the luckier I am feeling that she dumped me. This evening I received a call from the friend of my families who is a counselor and teacher. When we spoke the other day she showed me the Roger Melton article about BPD and relationships and that is how I found this site. At that point I only understood BPD in terms of falling in love, and winding up getting dumped. And in that context I had no clue about what many of you have gone through. I am the OP of this thread, I hope the title of the thread did not appear insensitive to what many of you have been through.

Tonight when we spoke, she had a conversation with an associate who was knowledgeable about BPD. His message to me was, I am lucky that I am out of this relationship and do not do anything foolish like ever even considering getting back with her. I understand that now. Plus, I doubt I will have that option. We still have some things at each others homes that I hope to get back. In my other posts I mentioned I loaned her money to pay her taxes. I guess I made a very big mistake trusting her. To the person who posted this thread, I think I will pass on the ride either way... .

I remember reading about the effect of horrific images - they shock, transfix and anaesthetise. So it is with our beloved BP's. That first real contact is seismic. Then we get obsessive and stuck until the waves subside sufficiently for us to move on. It is a truly mortifying and horrific experience. How on earth, in fair world, are we to be prepared for such an event. Just reminded of an old quote 'evil prevails when good men do nothing'. In BP land I would simply say 'evil prevails'. It appears there is no salvation for our lost loved ones, and neither do they want saving. They truly belong to the dark side. Best  you can do for you and those you love is run - sooner the better, so well done if you got out after one cycle. You are probably better adjusted than those who stayed for the ride - IMHO - all disclaimers apply . . . shoot me  ;p

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